Disclaimer: I'm not even gonna bother this time...
A/N: Holy crap this story is way more successful than I had ever imagined. Right now the story has more than 800 hits, and that's amazing, considering that The Real Elemental Heroes has absolutely no storyline whatsoever. God this story has more hits than my website... So, because the Winter-een-mas season still lives on in my heart and I've been reinstated with holiday spirt(or maybe I'm getting second-hand high from my cat who smokes weed) I'd like to thank all of my loyal reader, reviewers, flamers, and basically anyone else who has read my story and managed to keep their sanity this long. So enough with the happy crappy, on to the very long overdue fifth chapter!
TV Announcer Guy: Last time on the Real Elemental Heroes, well I'm not so sure how to explain it, I was all too crazy!!! Dick Cheney showed up and almost killed our beloved heroes with a sulfur surprise played out his butt tuba! But Bubbleman saved the day by having a dance marathon with the Dancing Banana! Oh what a day that was! But now the Elemental Heroes prepare to take on their oldest nemesis shown in this story, President George W. Bush! Will the E-Heroes be able to best Bush at his own game finally? Will the idiot president triumph over the rag-tag group of weirdos once again? Will I be able to make it to the restroom before all this excitement makes me wet myself? Find out now, on this heavily anticipated chapter of The Real Elemental Heroes!!!
Deep within the labyrinth of Anime City, the E-Heroes and the three Neo-Spacians were standing around in a circle, staring at a long-unconscious Dick Cheney. Avian had begun to poke him with a stick, Sparkman had tried to bring him too by shocking him, and Bubbleman was off in the corner mourning the loss of the Dancing Banana.
"Dude, I think Bubbleman killed him," Avian said as he started to poke Cheney in the eye with his stick, still getting not response.
"Nahhhh, there's no way that idiot over there could ever kill anyone, even if you let him run loose in the city during rush hour with a cup of coffee and a toothpick," Burstinitrix stated plainly, pointing to the mentally challenged E-Hero, crying over a giant banana peel.
"Me still think he dead," Wildheart said.
Suddenly, a large, sorcery-style array appeared beneath Cheney's unmoving form and began to glow, teleporting the possibly dead Vice President to somewhere presumably safer.
"Oooooooh, pretty," said Clayman out of nowhere.
"So E-Heroes, I see you managed to defeat two of my subordininaments, but I'm afraid that I'm much more stronger than both of them combined!" a familiar southern voice said, and all the E-Heroes turned to face their arch-nemesis, George W. Bush in the flesh, standing on top of an overturned car.
"Bush! I knew you'd show your face here eventually!" Avian said.
"I know I know, I would've been here sooner but the traffic was terrible!" Bush replied rather friendly, which caused all the E-Heroes to sweatdrop. "Anyway, I'd stay longer, but I gosta go deliver another radio address that one of them interns wrote me lying and saying that we can win the war in Iraq. But before I go, I figgered I'd take along some souvenirs."
Bush turned to reveal his so-called souvenirs: the three Neo-Spacians, tied up and barely conscious.
"Blimey! He's kidnaping the Neo-Spacians!" Sparkman exclaimed in shock.
"How? How could we not have noticed that those weirdos had gone missing?!?" Bladedge questioned no one in particular.
'Well duh, it's kinda obvious, because the author hasn't been including them in the story much lately," Burstinitrix explained to her all-too-cliched companions.
"You dirty Texan hick! You'll never get away with this!" Neos angrily shouted at Bush for hogtying and kidnaping his closest friends.
"Sorry to say E-Hero, but I already have! Wahahahahaha!!!" manically laughed Bush, trying to fake a Don Kan'nonji pose but somehow failing, making the E-Heroes sweatdrop once again. He continued to laugh until he leaned too far backward and fell off the car he was standing on, hitting his head off of a fire hydrant. "Oww, I hope nobody saw that," Bush said, slightly embarrassed.
"Yeah, we all kinda did," Avian said in response to the idiot President's comment.
"Well, it don't matter, cause I still got your little buddies right here ehehe!" Bush happily exclaimed as he began to do a Texas jig and then teleported himself and the Neo-Spacians away to the Republicans' hideout, leaving the E-Heroes angry and slightly annoyed by his actions.
"That fiend! He's holding the Neo-Spacians hostage! This cannot be allowed!" Sparkman said in his usual British demeanor.
"We must rescue them, because they're my best friends and without them I won't be able to perform Contact Fusion!" Neos proclaimed. "Also because I left my car keys with Aqua Dolphin."
"But how the hell are we gonna find do that? We don't even know where the Republicans' Secret Hideout is!" Burstinitrix added. "Didn't you dumbasses ever think of that?"
"Well, kinda, not really, no," where the E-Heroes' replies.
"We do now!" Bladedge said as he held up a very simple and crudely drawn map showing exactly where the Republicans' HQ was. "That moron Bush must've dropped in when he fell!"
"Good work Bladedge!" Avian said as he carefully removed the map from Bladedge's hands so he wouldn't damage it on the many sharp and pointy things on his armor. "Now that we have discovered the location of the Republicans' Secret Base, let's go and rescue the Neo-Spacians and finally defeat Bush, so we can finally get paid!" Avian heroically shouted.
"So we can finally get paid!" the other E-Heroes shouted, except, you guessed it, Bubbleman, who stated something about an alpaca.
E-HEROES!!!
Two hours had passed, and now the E-Heroes had finally arrived at the Republicans' Secret Hideout; a large building with the words "Republicans' Secret Hideout" spray painted and terribly misspelled on the front.
Even though it was only a three block walk from where the E-Heroes had actually found the map, the journey had taken two hours because the E-Heroes had been going the wrong way for a half hour because Avian had been holding the map upside-down, Burstinitrix had taken 15 minutes to beat the stuffing out of Avian for being so stupid, Bubbleman had made a new friend in the form of a tree and had a very long and engaging conversation with it, another45 minutes to actually get to the Republicans' Secret Hideout, and a few potty breaks thrown in there for good measure.
"Okay, it's been a long and perilous journey, but we've finally reached our destination," Avian said, sounding exhausted.
"Perilous my ass, we got lost!!!" Burstinitrix shot back at Avian. "And Bubbleboy over there wouldn't stop talking to that tree back there, so I had to cremate it so we could get moving again!"
"Why did you have to kill my bestest friend ! Wahhh you're so mean Burstinitrix!!!" Bubbleman wailed, clutching an urn containing the remains of the tree he had become so attached to lately.
"Bubbleman, it was an inanimate object, you really weren't making much progress," Necroshade explained to Bubbleman, who was still crying over the tree.
"But I say Oakey wave at me!" Bubbleman said.
"That was the wind," Bladedge said, still not getting very far with Bubbleman.
"But..." Bubbleman started, but was interrupted by a very angry Burstinitrix.
"IT WAS A F—ING TREE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!!" she yelled. Every E-Hero was cowering in fear from this outburst. "Sigh, let's just go and in so I can beat the crap out of Bush so I don't have to take out my anger on you guys!" The E-Heroes eagerly agreed with this statement, not wanting to suffer yet another beating at the hands of the vengeful Burstinitrix.
E-HEROES!!!
The inside of the Republicans' Secret Hideout was strangely dark, and there wasn't enough light anywhere to see anything, not even your own colleague's hand slapping you in the face.
This didn't stop the E-Heroes, however. They where determined to rescue the Neo-Spacians, finally defeat Bush and remove the Republican Party from Anime City, because the Republicans where starting to get really annoying.
The E-Heroes moved around as best as the could in the inky blackness that surrounded them in the corridors of the Republicans' HQ, and that wasn't very well. Trust me, a drunken Irishman had a better chance of getting through the darkness than the bumbling band of superheroes did. As soon as they took their first step, chaos ensued. The E-Heroes began to trip over things, mostly each other, and within 5 seconds they where all face down on the floor in a giant pile.
Burstinitrix, who happened to get buried under every one of her teammates, got very mad and erupted. Literally. Flames spread out everywhere, knocking the rest of the E-Heroes off of her and making the whole corridor light up with all the intensity of Wal-Mart's fluorescent lighting.
Then it dawned on Burstinitrix: fire creates light. She quickly made a small fireball in the palm of her hand bright enough to light the way to wherever the hell they where going. It just goes to show you that even the smartest of E-Heroes can suffer from a case of second-hand stupidity.
After the E-Heroes recovered enough from their burns, they continued down the hallway aided by Burstinitrix's ingenious discovery until they reached a large room at the end. When they entered the room, they where greeted by a familiar yet unwanted face: Bush, standing under an overhead light, which strangely was the only light in the entire room.
"So Elemental Heroes, you've managed to find our secret hideout," Bush said upon the E-Heroes' arrival.
"Yeah, thanks to you. You dropped a map that led us right to it!" Avian replied triumphantly.
"So that's where my map went! I had a helluva time tryin' to get back here without it!" Bush exclaimed happily.
"Wait, you forgot where you lived?" Sparkman questioned the idiot president.
"Well duh! Why else would I be carryin' around a map like that?" Bush said, just making himself look like an even bigger moron. All the E-Heroes sweatdropped at this comment. "All directional issues aside, I'm afraid that you've fallen right into my trap, E-Heroes!" Bush said, instantaneously changing the mood of the conversation.
"Trap?!?" Bladedge exclaimed, following the usual superhero /anime cliches.
"Yes, a trap!" confirmed Bush. "And this trap is so great that you won't not stand a chance of survivin'! A trap know as..."
Bush clapped his hands twice, and all the lights turned on, revealing that they where all standing in an unfurnished and industrial looking room. The walls, floor and ceiling where plated with steel, and the room exerted and aura of uncertainty and dread that permeated into the very souls of our basket case heroes.
"...The Panic Room!"
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!!
A/N: Okay, you have just finished reading the alternate ending of Chapter 5. Hopefully it was a lot better than the previous one, because for some reason I was suffering from a strange case of writer's block because of the whole Dubya's Playhouse thing. Plus the story was looking more and more like a political satire that just happened to have the E-Heroes in it and less like a fanfiction. So from now on(or maybe at the end of the next chapter) I will not use this story as an outlet of my growing hate of the ignorance of the Republican Party, and it will become the random and nonsensical complication of idiocy that I wanted it to be in the first place! Yay!
Also, on the grounds of the amazingly long overdue sixth chapter, it's hopefully gonna be written and posted(Gasp!) By the end of next week, because by then hopefully most of everything I've had to deal with in school will be over and I'll have more time to myself, my stories, and Guitar Hero, so fret not, weary readers, your salvation of knowing what's going to happen next is coming!(Now that I have redone the chapter, maybe I'll get more reviews...)
TV Announcer Guy: The true horror of Bush's Ultimate Trap: aptly named "The Panic Room" will be reveled in the next chapter of The Real Elemental Heroes! By the looks of it, Bush has put a lot of work into his villainous plot, and unfortunately the E-Heroes have fallen right into it! Will Bush get his revenge on everyone's favorite dysfunctional band of crime fighters? Will the E-Heroes prevail over the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet against all odds? Will the romance between Burstinitrix and Avian blossom into true love? (Burstinitrix: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?) Ah don't hurt me! I was just trying to lighten the mood! Anyway, all questions will be answered...(Bubbleman: Does this mean I'll finally find out where babies come from?) No, Bubbleman, I meant all the questions I just said, except for that last one, will be answered. (Bubbleman: Ohh...) Anyway, don't miss the next exciting chapter of The Real Elemental Heroes!!!!!