Disclaimer: I own nothing aside from my Xbox, which probably owns me by now...
The Real Elemental Heroes
Chapter 6: D-Day
By Lazy Bastard(Fullmetal Shinobi)
A/N:...I've failed you all. I kept trying to write this damn chapter, but every time I'd start I'd either get a horrible case of writer's block, I'd lose track of where I put the rough draft, or more commonly, a new game for my Xbox 360 would come out. On top of this my school work has really been dragging me down lately, especially because I had to start my graduation project a freaking year early in 10th grade because I'm in advanced English(I really shouldn't have applied myself in my early years...). Plus, I'm obscenely lazy, and that definitely doesn't help my case any. So, after a god-awfully long waiting period, I reward those few fans that stayed with the story, and the few new ones I've picked up, with the sixth chapter/new story arc of The Elemental Heroes! Like anyone cares...
TV Announcer Guy:(TV Announcer Guy is currently bound and gagged, and stuffed in the studio's closet. Bush is standing at his mic, with a poorly-scribed recap held upside-down in his hands)Howdy Y'all! This here's George Dubya Bush, and I'm-a gonna tell y'all what dun happened in the last chapter. Y'know, since it's been so damn long since the author updated. I had cleverly tricked the Elemental Heroes into coming to my lair, and now they're-a gonna fell the wrath of my Panic Room! Finally, after like a year of waiting, I can exact my revenge on the E-Heroes fer what they dun to me in Chapter 2! YEEEEE HAWWWW! This is the best thing I've done in my presidency...
"The Panic Room?" Avian asked in confusion.
"Yes, E-Hero, it's called the Panic Room, fer the 500th frickin' time..." Bush said, annoyed at the extremely long lag between chapters.
"So, it's got a somewhat-intimidating name, what the hell does this "Ultimate Trap" do anyway?" Burstinitrix asked sarcastically.
"I wuz wonderin' how long it'd take fer y'all to ask that," Bush began. "My Panic Room excretes pure, unaltered, 100 cage-free fear from its walls; creating a horrible sense of terror in all who are caught within its grasp!"
"Pure fear, how'd you get a hold of pure fear?" Bladedge asked.
"And more importantly, how can I get some?" Burstinitrix inquired.
"Simple, I just had the IRS collect some around taxtime," Bush explained, proving the myths that the IRS is the most evil agency in the world.
"Blimey!" Sparkman gasped in his usual British tone. "It must've cost a bloody fortune to build this jolly-good show!"
"Yup, sure did!" Bush exclaimed happily, for some odd reason. "It wuz worth all 20 million of the taxpayers' dollars!"
"No wonder the U.S. has a deficit the size of Texas..." Necroshade said in disgust.
"Silence! Compared to Iraq this wuz a bargain!" Bush yelled in defense(kinda). "Now, fer your insolence and my humiliation at the hands of y'all, TREMBLE IN FEAR FROM THE MIGHT OF MY PANIC ROOM!!!!"
The moronic president pulled a large remote with one red button out of his back pocket, and proceeded to press that red button. Upon this pressing, several vents along the ceiling of the Panic Room opened up and emitted a strange fog that slowly trickled to the ground.
"Ooooooh, pretty!" Bubbleman said.
"Heh, it won't be pretty fer long, just take a look and see!" Bush exclaimed. Soon after, the gas had reached the E-Heroes' height, and as soon as they took one whiff of the stuff, something happened in their already-traumatized brains. All of a sudden, every one of the E-Heroes' emotions; from Burstinitrix's raging anger to Bubbleman's perpetual happiness where replaced with pure terror. Fear filled their heads faster than hot air filled a Congress meeting.
"GAHHHH! IT'S HORRIBLE!" Neos screamed in agony as he dropped to his knees.
"All my life I've been inflicting terror in my colleagues..." Burstinitrix started. "THIS IS SUCH A CRUEL IRONY!!!!"
"Mommy...please make it stop..." Clayman uttered sheepishly as he entered the fetal position.
"Meh, I've seen worse," Necroshade scoffed as leaned back against one of the steely walls of the Panic Room.
"Wait, why aren't you affected by this stuff?" Avian managed to ask between sobs or fear.
"The surgeon general dun said somethin' 'bout my IQ bein' too low," Bush pondered. "But, it don't matter, 'cause I'm immune and yer not! Now, it's time to end this..."
The soon-to-be-lame duck president pressed the shiny red button on his remote again, which caused the vents to release even larger amounts of fear gas.
"This here's enough pure terror to knock out my ol' pal Cheney, so you'll probably be dead in like a minute or so. See y'all in hell E-Heroes! YEEEE HAW!" Bush began to do a Texas-style jig in the middle of the Panic Room floor. All the never-mighty E-Heroes could do was watch and wait for an untimely death by a fear-related heart attack.
"I never thought it would end like this..." Bladedge began.
"Dying in a cloud of tax-related terror mist?" Necroshade asked rhetorically.
"No, being danced in front of by a Texas hick," Bladedge finished.
"Sparkman, before we die," Neos started as he began to cry, "I just wanted to say that I've always loved you with all my heart."
Sparkman's only reply was the cracking of his face shield in embarrassment.
"I really hope there's porno in the afterlife..." Avian mumbled as he began to feel the early stages of cardiac arrest.
And then all the E-Heroes died of massive heart attacks, while Bush lived out the rest of his presidency happy that he accomplished something in his eight years in office...
NOT!!!!!
It turns out, that just before the E-Heroes croaked from their hearts giving out, the happy dance dancing president suffered a heart attack of his own.
"Oh hell...Well, this was unexpected," the startled Bush said as he collapsed to the ground in a big Republican heap. "Remember me...fer the Texas Rangers...and forget all the other crap..." where the last words that Bush muttered before he defecated himself and kicked the bucket.
Meanwhile, in an apartment somewhere in Anime City...
"Heh heh, taste righteous justice, you dirty redneck," a preppy-looking boy said as wrote something in a morbid-looking notebook.
"So Light," a very large and creppy-looking creature behind him started, "You gonna take over the world by killing all the world's leaders?"
"No Ryuk," the boy replied, "Just the really evil and stupid ones, plus I really didn't like him. Who's next...Ah yes, Hillary Clinton..." With that, he continued to write names in his murderous notebook.
As soon as Bush died, by some mystical chance, the Panic Room's fear vents stopped spewing the terror gas, and the E-Heroes quickly became their old chemically-unbalanced selves.
"Well, that's something I never ever want ti go through ever again," Avian said in relief.
"Yeah, dying really sucks," Bladedge said, glad to still be breathing.
"Feh, amateurs," Necroshade said, seemingly indifferent to the fact that another 15 seconds of inhaling the fear mist would've made his cold, black heart explode.
"So, now that this fiasco is all over...wanna go back to the Hero Tower?" Avian asked, receiving a nearly unanimous response; except from Bubbleman, who shouted something involving a beaver and a pair of combat boots.
"Neos, ol'mate, did ya...you know, really mean all that stuff you said before?" Sparkman asked, wondering if his friend had a 'thing' for him.
"Uhhhhhhhhhh...," Neos stammered, beginning to blush. Quickly, he changed the subject to something substantially less homoerotic. "Hey guys, don't you get the feeling that we're forgetting something?"
A few moments of silent pondering where broken by Burstinitrix: "Whatever you're thinking about, forget it, because I really wanna get the hell outta this dump..."
With that, the Elemental Heroes left the Panic Room and wandered around the wasteland that was Anime City for five hours until they finally found the Hero Tower.
Meanwhile, in a dark room somewhere in the Republicans' Secret HQ...
"Hello? Neos? Anybody?..." Aqua Dolphin called out through the locked door.
"Forget it Dolphin, they've clearly forgotten about us," Dark Panther said, pessimistically. "Ungrateful bastards..."
"Hey guys, do you feel something rumbling?" Flare Scarab asked as the ground beneath them began to shake violently, knocking the three unwanted Neo-Spacians to their feet/paws/flippers, whatever they had. A hole opened up in the center of the small space the three where in, and another Neo-Spacian, Grand Mole popped out.
"Is this Reno? Or did I make another wrong turn at Yakima..." Grand Mole wondered out loud, scratching his head.
"Grand Mole! You came to rescue us!" the alien dolphin in Spandex exclaimed.
"I did?" the confused mole-thing asked himself. "I was just looking for some place to blow my money on slot machines and hookers."
"Well, you did now," Dark Panther interjected as he and Flare Scarab climbed into the hole that Grand Mole had dug. "C'mon, let's get outta here."
"Okay, but only if you help with directions," Grand Mole replied as he and Aqua Dolphin crawled out of the building.
Back with the E-Heroes...
"Ah, it feels so good to be home!" Bladedge exclaimed happily as he stood in front of the Hero Tower.
"Well, we would've gotten here sooner if we didn't leave Captain Birdbrain in charge of navigation," Burstinitrix spat. "Again..."
"Hey, you guys could've told me anytime that I was going the wrong direction, but no! We where halfway to Gotham City before someone spoke up," Avian retorted, though not doing a very good job of it.
"Cheer up, ol' chaps!" Sparkman said to lighten up the mood., "We beat that bloke Bush, and now we're back 'ome at last!"
"Yeah, after like a year in limbo..." Necroshade added.
"Yay! I missed you housey!" Bubbleman shouted has he glomp-tackled the Hero Tower.
"I hope my turtle's okay..." Clayman said softly as he and the other E-Heroes entered the Hero Tower, aside from Bubbleman, who was having an intimate moment with said building.
However, once they entered their dwelling, they were shocked to find the entire interior had been redecorated in a Neo-Gothic manner.
"Okay, who let Necroshade's friends in while we where gone?" Burstinitrix asked angrily.
"Burstinitrix! Behind you!" Neos shouted as a portal opened up behind her and a cloaked figure appeared out of it. Without hesitation, the angry fire-demoness spun around and clocked him in the face.
"Ouch, what was that for?" the figure, a black-clad man with intimidating talons on his hands and an entirely white head said in a monotone voice.
"Yo Doom Lord?" another figure, a muscular man with an untamed mass of orange hair and big claw-thingies wearing thigh-high boots and black underwear said, "You alright?"
"It seems as if the original owners of this property have returned, somehow," yet another person, a gentleman wearing a suit and a top hat with a fancy scarf and cane said.
"Okay, who are you guys, and why the hell are you in our tower?" Avian asked, very confused about the situation.
"Are you burglars? Cause the guy on TV said that burglars are bad," Bubbleman said, having recently returned from his hugging session with the Hero Tower.
"Ah, you must be the Elemental Heroes," a man with giant diamonds sprouting from all parts of his body said as he walked into the center of the fray, "We're the Destiny Heroes, another band of superheroes from another realm that Commissioner Komui hired to take your place, as he figured that you had died fighting the Republicans."
"Oh, so your story doesn't get updated for a few months and everyone assumes you're dead, how nice..." Necroshade said, sarcastic as ever.
"So, the Commissioner hired you to replace us?" Bladedge asked.
"Yeah, that makes us better than ya', so scram before we go East Joysey on yer asses!" a Destiny Hero wearing a mech suit and speaking with a thick Bronx accent shouted.
"Oh yeah? Well we aren't just gonna give up our home without a fight!" Burstinitrix shouted back.
"What my angry colleague said is right, this was our territory first, and since we kicked Bush's Texan ass..." Avian started
"Actually he died of a freak heart attack," Sparkman interjected.
"Shut up! I'm trying to prove a point!" Avian rebutted. "Anyway, we're not dead, so you guys aren't needed anymore. Adios, the door's that way," the leader of the E-Heroes said as he pointed to the front door.
"Well, we're not going to leave the best place we've ever stayed in without a fight, either!" a Destiny Hero who looked a lot like an Elite from Halo in black armor with wheels attached to his hands and feet said.
"I purpose a skirmish: a clash to determine which team of heroes is better," the gentleman D-Hero said, trying to resolve things as civilized as possible.
"Or, y'know, we could just let Dreadmaster go berserk on them," the half-naked D-Hero said.
"FIGHT?!? WRAAAAAAR!!!!! I WANNA SMASH SOME FACES!!!!!" an extremely large, muscular D-Hero wearing a metal mask and purple pants who was chained to the floor in the main room shouted.
"No, Captain Tenacious, let's try and accomplish something without destroying half a city this time," Doom Lord said as he got off the floor.
"Feh! Fine, have it your way, we'll still kick you to the curb, literally!" Captain Tenacious proudly exclaimed, taunting the E-Heroes.
"Well bring it on, 'cause the Elemental Heroes can defeat anyone!" Avian taunted back. "Even if it is by a freak accident that is no way connected to us!"
"Sigh, why Defender never get say in anything?" a large, stone-golem looking D-Hero said, sounding depressed.
TO BE CONTINUED
A/N: Well, after like a year of waiting, the sixth chapter of the Real E-Heroes is finally up! W00t! I really doubt it'll be worth the horribly long wait, but it's posted, so be happy for a short time. As you all can see, I've finally wrapped up the Republican story arc, which means this story will no longer be used to express my political views(Go Obama!), and will take on a more traditional fanfiction type of plot. As you also may have noticed, I've brought back the Destiny Heroes that made a brief cameo appearance in Chapter 2 for the new arc that I'm working on. Why? Because I like the D-Heroes and because I needed a new villain for the E-Heroes to triumphantly(or more like accidentally)defeat in mortal combat. I'm not going to make anymore promises about updates, because I suck at keeping them, but the wait for the next chapter shouldn't be as long as the one for this one...
TV Announcer Guy: Ahh, it's great to be free! Anyway, let's see what's going to happen on the next chapter of The Real Elemental Heroes!!!! Having returned from their Republican extermination excursion, the E-Heroes have discovered that the Destiny Heroes, a ne'er-do-well band of 'heroes' have invaded their beloved Hero Tower! Oh noes! Now the E-Heroes have challenged the D-Heroes to a clash of the heroes, to see who is more worthy of protecting Anime City; and more importantly who gets to stay in the Hero Tower. Who will prevail? Who will taste bitter defeat? Will the author update in a reasonable amount of time? Find out in Chapter 7 of The Real Elemental Heroes! Now if you'll excuse me, I've been tied for quite a while, and I have some bedsores to get checked out. Owie...