Chapter 3

"I'll have a… Number one… make that two number ones… with a Coke… and, uh… super-size it, please." Crane stared in shock as Batman placed his order.

"So much for a salad," he mumbled. Batman began to glare.

"On second thought…" Batman corrected, turning back to the startled cashier. "Make it a Diet Coke."

"Sure. That will prevent your arteries from plugging," Crane flipped, still looking over the menu.

"What do you want for food?" Batman asked.

Crane began to rub his chin pensively. "You know, I'm not that hungry anymore. Would it be possible for me to get a Happy Meal?"

"Crane!" Batman barked, humiliated.

"What? You think I'm not embarrassed to be seen with Batman while he's preparing to gorge himself on Big Macs?"

"I'm sure we could make allowances," the cashier broke in nervously.

"You see?" Crane said to Batman. "Thank you very much. I'd love the chicken nugget Happy Meal with… An Oreo McFlurry… Make that a Butterfinger."

"Would you like a small McFlurry? They're only a dollar," the cashier suggested.

"That's fine. Not that it matters. I'm not paying anyway." At this, Batman glared at him. "What? Do you meet many asylum inmates who carry their wallets with them?"

"The total will be $14.23. Are you paying with cash or a credit card?"

Batman gave her a critical stare. "If I said credit card, wouldn't you ask for ID?"

"Oh… Right," she mumbled sheepishly. Crane watched with interest as Batman struggled to pull out a small bag from an inner compartment in his left boot. He snapped open the bag and handed her a $20.

"Nice purse," Crane remarked dryly. Before Batman had the chance to reply, their order was placed on a tray in front of them. "Ok, I'll get us a table and you go find ketchup packets."

"I'm not leaving you alone!" Batman said, grasping onto Crane's arm. Several mothers and children throughout the restaurant began to stare.

"Will you please stop grasping onto me? People will definitely get the wrong impression about Batman." Batman immediately loosened his grip. "I'm not going anywhere, Bats. I have a Happy Meal to eat. Now go get ketchup before the fries get cold." Batman slowly backed towards the ketchup table, not wanting to take his eyes off of Crane.

He clumsily picked up a few little white paper cups, preparing to fill them. Unfortunately, the ketchup dispenser was clogged. He pushed on the level about twelve times and nothing came out. Eventually, Batman resorted to kicking it, which was quite the spectacle for anyone who was fortunate enough to be visiting McDonald's that day.

"Hey, Bats! Get me some sauce for my chicken nuggets!" Crane called out from the other side of the room.

Batman groaned to himself. Clearly Crane was giving him the nickname 'Bats' for the sole-purpose of annoying him. He would not give into it. "What type of sauce do you want?" he asked.

"I don't know. See if they have honey."

Batman quickly abandoned the ketchup dispenser and crossed to the cashier, his cape blowing behind him. "Excuse me, Ma'am." The cashier looked up, afraid. "May I have some honey mustard?" She shakily handed him several small containers. "By the way, you're out of ketchup." Batman finally crossed to the table to find Crane biting a fry.

"Took you long enough," Crane grumbled. Batman threw the honey mustard onto his tray.

"There. I got you honey mustard."

Crane made a nauseous expression. "Oh gross! What is that?! I asked for honey. Not honey mustard. Take it back!" he ordered, pelting the honey mustard at Batman.

"I am not going back to the counter," Batman declared, taking a big bite out of his Big Mac, covering his mask with special sauce.

"Fine," Crane mumbled, annoyed. "I guess I'll just eat dry chicken nuggets!" Batman continued chomping down his food guiltlessly. Crane watched in disgust. "You know, as long as you're going to be the great vigilante of Gotham, couldn't you at least try using one of these?" he asked, lifting a bright yellow napkin. Batman stared at it uncertainly. "Do it for the children's sakes," Crane entreated.

Batman took the napkin, wiped the Big Mac off his mouth and mashed the napkin into a little ball with his big-gloved hand. Crane proceeded to nibble at a chicken nugget. He peered into his Happy Meal's paper bag curiously. Suddenly his face beamed with delight.

"Oh! Look!" he exclaimed, lifting a little plastic bag containing a cheap toy. He ripped the bag open and pulled out the plastic figurine. "It's you! See?" Batman's mouth dropped open in surprise. For once, Crane was being serious. In his hand was a small action figure of Batman. When Crane pressed a little button on the utility belt, the little plastic fist would thrust forward.

"Hey, Bats… Look… I'm BATMAN!" Crane roared, imitating Batman's hoarse growl while lifting the figurine to Batman's eyes. Batman started in on his second Big Mac, refusing to acknowledge him. Crane viewed this as a challenge. "Na na na na na na na na…" Crane sang, high pitched, making the figure dance obnoxiously in Batman's face. "BATMAAAAN!" Batman's patience was at last beginning to wear. Before he realized it, he had smacked the action figure out of Crane's hands angrily. The figure crashed against the window, causing the little flexible arm to fall off. Crane stared after the toy, hurt. "Nice job."

Suddenly, a cry was heard coming from the children's play area.

"Heeeelp!" a little voice screamed. "I'm stuck!"

Batman and Crane looked up to see a little girl, situated in the top slide of the fun zone.

"Are you planning on helping her?" Crane asked.

Batman slurped down the last of his Diet Coke. "I can't. I have to watch you."

"Right," Crane whispered. "I can see the headline now. 'Batman Allows Little Child to Decompose in McDonald's Fun Tube Because He Was Helping Lunatic Enjoy a McFlurry'." Batman glared at him silently. "You're right. That would be a really long headline." Batman growled and lifted himself from the table. "Don't forget to take your shoes off," Crane reminded him cheerfully. At this, Batman snatched a handful of food from Crane's tray. "Hey! My McNuggets!" Crane exclaimed as Batman shoved the food into his mouth. "Pig."

"Hold on!" Batman called to the little girl with his usual roar. Somehow, this did not exactly pacify the small, shaking child. Uncertain as to how he should approach the situation, Batman at last dived into the ball pit and waded towards a large purple tunnel, preparing to crawl up the slide towards her. All of a sudden, something went terribly wrong. He shook and struggled, but it didn't help. Batman was officially stuck in a bright fuchsia tube. After a moment, Crane lifted himself and began to examine the situation from afar.

"Hmm… Well, Bats, I hope you've learned your lesson. When they say no one eleven or older in the fun zone…they mean it." Suddenly, a little girl skipped towards Crane and held out her hand greedily. Batman immediately recognized her as the little girl who had been trapped in the top tunnel. "Here you go," Crane said, handing her a $20. She ran away happily.

"Wait… Crane… What are you doing?"

"Well, Bats, I finally decided what I want to do for the day."

Batman struggled frantically. "I thought you said you didn't have any money."

"I snuck some money out of your boot. You know, this wouldn't be a problem if you hadn't stuffed yourself with fast food. Maybe you could have fit through the crazy tunnels!" Crane stepped towards the door, his McFlurry in one hand.

"You can't run, Crane."

"What? Are you going to send Mayor McCheese after me? Make yourself comfortable, Bats. Once I get to Europe, maybe I'll have the Hamburglar send you a postcard."

As much as he twisted and struggled, he knew it was pointless. Within seconds, Crane had disappeared. "Ugh," Batman groaned. "I knew I should have gotten a salad."