Chapter 9

Honesty

"This won't work."

Sam looked over at Dean's tense frame. The older brother was tightly gripping the steering wheel of the Impala and staring at the road ahead of them as they sped towards the church.

Sam could see the fatigue etched in Dean's face and couldn't help but worry. He had gone to bed when Dean had gone out for the soda and had already been asleep whenever Dean had returned. That morning, though, he had noticed that Dean had unusually quiet. Not talking about the case. Not making comments about the song on the radio. None of which would have been all that concerning considering the news he had received the previous night.

But then Dean didn't eat breakfast.

In all the years Sam had known Dean his brother had always been a breakfast person. Always. Eating in general had always been something Dean did and enjoyed. The only time he didn't eat was when something really bad was bothering him. Something that made him feel guilty.

So what the hell happened?

Sam sighed patiently. "We don't know it won't work, Dean. Besides, I don't see you coming up with any better suggestions."

"Knock him out and hide him somewhere until it's over and they can't break the seal anymore."

"Yeah, great idea. And give the old man a heart attack doing it. You really want to attack a 70-something year old man?"

Dean shrugged, not looking at him. "It'd work."

Sam rolled his eyes. "Tell you what. If this plan doesn't work we'll go to yours, OK?"

"Fine."

Sam looked at Dean for a minute while Dean continued to remain focused on the road. Finally, Sam decided he had enough.

"That's it. Do you mind filling me in on what the hell's wrong with you today?"

Dean shot him a confused glance. "What?"

"You know what! What's eating at you? You're acting weird and I want to know why before we get wrapped up in this case!"

Sam caught a glimpse of nervousness from Dean before it was quickly replaced with a blank look.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Bull shit, Dean! I know how you are and I know when something bothering you so you may as well just tell me because I'm not going to let it go until you do!"

"Dude, I'm fine."

"Is it Castiel still? Are you still upset about what he told you yesterday?"

He saw Dean's jaw clench and his grip become tighter on the steering wheel.

"I really don't want to talk about this right now, Sam."

Sam refused to back down.

"OK. So it is about Castiel. Look, Dean, we're going to find out who did it, OK? I know you love him-"

Dean suddenly slammed on the breaks and jerked the steering wheel so they pulled off the side of the road. Sam nearly fell over from the sudden stop.

"Dude! What the fuck…!?"

Dean whipped around to face him and Sam could see the startling raw emotion in his face.

"What did you say to me?" Dean asked in a low voice.

Sam swallowed nervously, never having seen Dean like this before.

"I… um… I said we would find out who hurt Cas…"

"After that."

"Um… I said I knew that you loved… oh…"

Crap.

For a moment Sam considered trying to muddle through some reason that Dean probably wouldn't really believe, but then decided against it. He decided that now was as good a time as any to have this out with his brother.

"OK, look. I know you're in love with Castiel, OK? And you can say you don't all you want, but I already know you do."

He saw the startled look on Dean's face. Dean opened his mouth to say something to deny Sam's words. To tell him he was out of his freaking mind.

He couldn't do it.

Dean's gaze dropped and he turned to look down at his hands resting on the steering wheel. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"So how do you know that?" Dean asked softly.

"I've seen how you look at him. How you act around him. The way you talk about him. But what really confirmed it was you moaning out his name during your sex-dream yesterday."

Dean felt his face become flushed. He glanced over at Sam who was studying him calmly. He swallowed hard and tried to control the nervousness in his voice.

"OK. Fine…. So let's hear it."

"Hear what?"

Dean gestured towards him.

"You giving me the lecture about how fucked up it is for me to be lusting after and angel… a guy angel at that…. How I should know better and that it would earn me a direct ticket back into the Pit…"

Sam sat there startled for a moment. Then he shook his head.

"Dude, you really think that's what I'd say?"

Dean looked at Sam, somewhat taken aback. "Isn't it?"

"Um, no, it isn't! Shit, Dean. So you're in love with an angel. Big fucking deal! After everything we've seen and dealt with, you and an angel is not that bad! And the fact that it's a guy, well, that really is the least of our worries! It's not fucked up to be in love with someone, especially someone who pulled you out of Hell and anyone who thinks otherwise can shove it. All I care about, Dean is you being happy. And from what I've seen, that's what Castiel does for you. So, yeah. Go ahead and be in love with him if he makes you happy. It doesn't bother me."

The brothers sat silently in the car as Dean absorbed Sam's words. Dean felt his throat tighten.

"Oh," he managed to whisper. "I… I didn't think you'd feel that way."

"Well, I do. And, personally, I think you should talk to Castiel about it. He deserves to know the truth.

Dean let out a bitter laughter.

"No! No, that will never happen."

"Why not? Come on, Dean. He deserves to know the truth!"

Dean closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the seat's headrest.

"Because, Sam, I fucked everything up last night."

Sam looked at Dean in confusion. "Why? What did you do?"

Dean moistened his drying lips and tried to swallow the lump that formed in his throat. He couldn't bring himself to look Sam in the eye. His guilt made his stomach turn.

"When I went out for the soda last night… I… I ran into Anna…"

Sam's eyes widened in surprise. "Anna? What was she doing there?"

"She said she wanted to see me… and… you know… I wanted pissed off and just… just wanted to not think about things…"

"OK. So… what does that mean?"

Dean took a deep breath. He forced himself to share the painful confession.

"We… we had sex."

Sam frowned at looked at Dean confused. "OK. But you've had sex with her before… right?"

Dean shook his head. "That's not it. Castiel… he caught us afterwards… and…" Dean felt the tears start to sing his eyes.

"Dean, Castiel knows how you are. He's not going to be pissed at you about that."

Dean gave a bitter laugh.

"Yeah, well… I found out who raped him."

Sam's looked became more confused. "Wait… you mean…"

Dean nodded. "That fucking bitch raped him."

Sam's jaw dropped. "Oh shit."

"And… and there's nothing I can do… I can't take it back… and I'd do anything to take it back… I would… it was so stupid… fuck, Sam! Why couldn't he have just told me it had been her?" He slammed his hands against the steering wheel in frustration.

"Dean… you didn't know! There was no way you could have known!"

"But why couldn't I have just not slept with her? Why the fuck did I have to be such a whore?"

"Dean! Come on! Don't say shit like that. You made a mistake. It happens. Yeah, Castiel might have been hurt by it, but he doesn't hate you for it. He's knows you didn't know what had happened."

Dean let Sam's words slowly sink in. Deep down, he knew Sam was right. He hadn't known and any other time it wouldn't have mattered.

But it did this time. And it hurt like hell.

"I know, Sam," Dean said softly. "I just can't see how I can fix this."

Sam sighed. "Look, how about we finish this case first? After that we can try to straighten things out with you and Cas, alright?"

With a sigh, Dean reluctantly nodded. Again, Sam was right. Dean started the car back up and pulled back out onto the road. He didn't know he would ever be able to make things right with him and Castiel. He also didn't know how he would ever forgive himself.