Chapter 16

The Course of True Love

Dean couldn't bring himself to meet Castiel's eyes when he went back into the motel room. He could sense Castiel's gaze on him as he walked back over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it, his stomach knotting with guilt. He felt Castiel sit on the bed with him, just a foot away.

"Why were you outside, Dean?" Castiel asked.

Dean cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice steady.

"I just needed to give Sam a call. I knew he'd be freaking out by now so I figured I'd let him know everything was fine."

"That's good. You should let him know. And he is fine as well?"

Dean nodded. He focused on flipping through screens on his cell phone in order to not have to look at Castiel. "Yup. He's good. Jacob should be going home later today. Docs wanted to watch him overnight I guess."

Dean was torn over what to do. He wanted to forget his conversation with Anna. Pretend it never happened. He wanted to enjoy being in Castiel's presence. Love him without guilt plaguing him at every turn.

But when had things ever been that simple?

Dean felt Castiel shift on the bed.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"Are… are you going to lie back down with me?"

Dean wanted to cry at the timid yet earnest request. He swallowed hard and pasted a smile on his face before turning to look at the angel.

"Yeah. Yeah, I will. Just wanted to check for any messages," Dean said quickly, setting his phone on the night stand.

Castiel smiled shyly at him as he settled himself back down on the bed. Dean forced himself to lie down next to him, his heart pounding in his chest. He desperately tried to ignore the gnawing feeling of guilt in his gut by picking up the remote and flipping through channels. Castiel watched him.

"Dean?"

"Yeah, Cas?"

"Is everything alright?"

Dean looked over at the angel. Castiel was looking at him with concern.

"I'm fine," Dean lied.

"You seem distracted."

Dean smiled, praying Castiel would just stop asking.

"I'm fine," he repeated. "Just have some stuff on my mind. Nothing new."

"Is it me?" Castiel questioned nervously. The fear was clearly written on his face.

This wasn't going the way he wanted it to.

"No! Castiel, I… just… just stop worrying, OK? Everything is fine. You don't need to worry."

Castiel looked at him, obviously uncertain, but he finally nodded.

"OK, Dean."

"Great," Dean said, relieved. "So go ahead and get some rest. I figured would could just relax and watch some TV. It's still early you know."

Castiel nodded again and shifted his gaze back to the TV. Dean closed his eyes in relief.

He didn't know what to do. This wasn't going to go away no matter how much he pretended. Any second Anna might betray them. Any second the angels could come bursting in, taking Castiel away with Dean unable to anything other than watch. And for what? All because he had some perverted urges and Castiel had doubts and was confused. That had to be it. Castiel had to just be confused. He was an angel for Christ sakes! Angels aren't supposed to appear and decide to fall in love with humans. That crap only happened in cheesy movies with Meg Ryan. In his reality, Dean Winchester's reality, angels were there to do a job. Just a job. Obviously what Anna did to Castiel got the angel all confused. It wasn't completely crazy considering everything Castiel had already been through. So Anna raped him. Castiel thought that sex equaled love. So he only thought he was in love with Dean. Maybe even felt like he was supposed to be because that was what Anna told him. Of course. That had to be it.

Dean felt his heart breaking. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair. Why couldn't they just be in love? Why couldn't be easy like in the damn movies? Why did everything have to be complicated in Dean Winchester's world?

"Dean? This is the third time you have gone through all the pictures."

Dean silently cursed himself for not paying attention.

"Yeah… I know… nothing on…"

Castiel looked at him with concern.

"Dean… what- "

Castiel reached over and covered Dean's hand with his. Dean reacted as if he had been touched with a hot coal. He jerked his hand away quickly before he had a chance to process what had happened. Castiel stared at him, bewildered and hurt. Dean jump off the bed and ran his hand through his hair in frustration.

"Damn it! Cas… you… you can't do that!"

Castiel sat frozen on the bed. The pain of Dean's words clearly etched on his face.

"What… what did I do?" He asked softly.

Dean covered his face with his hands, unable to bear looking at the angel any more. This was not what he had planned.

"Nothing! Just… I… you just can't, OK? This," Dean gestured towards himself and Castiel. "This… we just can't… I was wrong, alright? ... We just…"

Castiel sat on bed, stunned. Pain and confusion coursed through him.

"Why are you saying these things to me?" He asked desperately. "You… you said you were… in love with me…"

Tears had begun escaping Dean's eyes. This felt so wrong. The words he was saying felt forced and weak. He wanted to take them all back and tell Castiel the truth. Tell him he was lying and tell him the reason why. But the image of some Uriel-like heartless bastard coming and tearing out Castiel's grace wouldn't leave his head. He couldn't let that happen. He loved Castiel too much for that.

"I… I was wrong… I shouldn't have said that… I'm sorry…"

Tears had begun trickling down Castiel's cheeks now. He shook his head.

"But you weren't! You weren't lying! And I love you!"

Dean shook his head furiously.

"No! No you're not, Cas! You're confused! Anna just fucked with your head! She made you think that. It's not true!"

Castiel stood up, his grief slowly being replaced by anger.

"I'm not confused! Not about how I feel about you!"

"Damn it, Castiel! You don't love me!"

"Yes I do!" Castiel retorted back, stepping closer to him. "And you love me too! I know it!"

"Son of a bitch!" Dean yelled, kicking one of the duffle bags sitting on the floor in frustration. "No! Stop saying that! Just stop it! You can't be in love with me! I won't fucking let you! I won't let you get your grace ripped out! I won't let you suffer like that! I won't let you give up your grace and life in Heaven just to be with me! I won't let you throw that all away because of me! You deserve a hell of a lot better than being stuck here on this shitty world suffering with me!"

Castiel stopped as Dean's words sunk in. His face paled.

"How… how did you find out?"

Dean's shoulders sagged. He had already said too much, but he knew there was no point in lying any more.

"I saw Anna tonight," He said miserably. "She told me what would happen if anything happened between us."

"You saw Anna? And you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want to mention her and get you upset!"

"So… you lie to me and tell me you don't love me instead? That is supposed to be better?"

Dean inwardly cursed the angel's logic.

"Don't you understand, Cas? You can't be in love with me! They'll find out, even if Anna doesn't tell them! I won't let you lose your grace because of me! I ruined enough people's lives and I'll be damned if I ruin yours too!"

The room fell silent. Dean lowered his head and sat down at the nearby table, resting his face in his hands. This was almost as bad as any torture he had ever experienced. This was worse than when Cassie had broken up with him. The one person he could say he truly loved, that had come to mean more to him than almost anything, was someone he wasn't allowed to be with. His life was some sick, twisted joke. Everything always out of reach.

He waited to hear the flutter of wings, marking Castiel's departure. He was pretty sure the angel had gotten enough rest to be able to leave. The thought of never seeing Castiel ever again was like a knife cutting through him, but at least the angel would be safe. Safe from him...

Gentle hands forced Dean to look up. Castiel's blue eyes met Dean's green ones. Undisguised love filled them.

"I love you, Dean," Castiel said softly, but firmly. "I… I trust you… I want to stay with you… I believe… no… I know, deep down… we can keep this secret…"

"How?" Dean whispered, unable to resist turning into Castiel's touch. "It isn't possible…"

"Then I fall," Castiel replied simply. "But if I can spend my mortal time with you, then it will be worth it."

Dean covered the angel's hands with his own. He swallowed hard.

"I can't let you…"

"You don't get a choice."

"But Anna will tell… when they find her, she'll tell… we can't stop them from looking for her…"

Castiel tensed, but calmly nodded.

"Then… she must be stopped."

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Oh, you guys are so wonderful! Thank you so much for the ideas and suggestions! I have been inspired (as you can see!) and my writer's block has been lifted! : ) So more will be coming soon!