Not much to say... Hope you enjoy it!

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Edward POV

I was surprised that Jasper had tried to talk to me. He was pretty good at making me feel comfortable though. I think I may be able to grow to trust him, it was a very brave move on his part to tell me everything he did about himself; I would have never expected him to have done any of that stuff. Then again, we had never really spoken before. Which is why I am surprised he told me. I wonder if he was lying when he said that no-one else knew about it. I guess I would have to wait and see when they came up to talk to me again, as they would undoubtedly ask me about our conversation.

I had already made the decision not to tell anybody. Why would I? I knew what it was like to have your every move watched like a hawk, people not trusting anything you do because they find out one small, inconsequential fact about you. Even though Jasper had done it years ago, if anyone found out, for a while or at least until he managed to convince them he wasn't like that anymore, people would try to over-analyse every mark on his body.

It was surprising that he wanted to talk to me; I would have thought that everyone but my family would avoid me like the plague, just because I did something they couldn't understand. Jasper must be the exception, everyone else was sure to avoid me even more than what they had already done now.

At first I thought that I had been lucky, that he hadn't noticed the container of pills that I had been about to take. But what he said at the end made me realise that he had seen them, and guessed exactly what I was going to do with them. I would have to hide them again now. I had only promised to still be alive in the morning, after all. No-one said anything about still being stuck here after today.

I had been so close! And I was sure that this time I would be successful. If they walked in on me they would have thought I was just sleeping. It was a fool-proof plan, but Jasper just had to go walk in on me, didn't he. It wasn't fair.

Jasper had said that he understood how I felt, and I guess he did, but only a little bit. He had cut himself once, and he knew why he was doing it at the time. I had cut myself over a thousand times, easy. And I had no idea why I did it, only that it was the only thing that felt good, and different from numbness. He had said that I could talk to him. What would I tell him? That I don't know why I did it? That I didn't want to stop? He would look at me as if I were a freak, tell everybody everything I had told him and never talk to me again. I don't know why I had asked if we could talk again, only that when he was talking to me I felt slightly calmer, knowing that there was someone who could and would listen and maybe relate a tiny bit, but not go off and tell the world anything I told him.

I knew he wouldn't tell anyone anything I told him, because he had willingly given me private information on himself, that he knew if people found out he would be treated very differently. But did that mean I would be able to talk to him? I don't know... I was so used to not telling anybody anything, keeping it all bottled up inside me I don't think I could actually share anything. Would I be able to do it after getting to know him more, and learning to trust him? Would he think I was lying? I think most people would, if I told them that I don't know why I did it, but would he? He seemed different for some reason.

But why would I want to talk to him? I mean, it's not as though I want to get better. All I have wanted to do for years is to die. Maybe he would help? That would be good. How would he though? It would have to be in a way so that he had nothing really to do with it. I didn't want him to get into trouble for murder or anything like that. What if I got him to buy blades and pills for me? That could work. I know I have next to no chance of being able to get them myself, what with Carlisle cancelling my allowance and everything. I wouldn't be surprised if he told all my doctors that they weren't to prescribe me anything without his expressed permission, and they would have to give the form to him. With the way he was acting I think that he would have probably also cleared any medication out of the house as well.

He was over-reacting so much. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if he nailed my window shut as well as the bathroom window and removed my door. I also wouldn't be surprised if he attached a GPS tracking device if he thought of it, not that I'm going to give him any ideas. I mean, I only tried to kill myself; it's not that big of a deal. He doesn't seem to realise that I would be better off dead, and so would everyone else.

I would have to be more careful next time, be more aware of my surroundings. It wouldn't do for Carlisle to walk in when I had the pills in my hand, ready to take them, like Jasper did. Somehow I don't think Carlisle would blow it off quite as easily as Jasper. He would probably make good on his threat of trying me to the bed, or who knows, with his connections, he could probably get that darned bed from the hospital and keep me attached to that 24/7.

Jasper was a good person. I was glad Bella had him; he would be good for her once I finally get a chance to finish off the job and kill myself. I knew she would be upset for a week or two, and she could lean on Jasper for then, just like Carlisle and Esme would lean on each other. But they would all get over it pretty quickly. They would realise that they were better off without me around, and that I had got what I wanted.

It wouldn't take them long to forget about me altogether, after all, I wasn't a very big or good part of their lives. I was bad for them, a bad influence. I tainted their perfect lives with my imperfectness, and all I ever did for them was bring them pain and suffering. They would be better off without me. Maybe next time I would write a letter, and tell them all this, and order them to just let me die. But I don't think I will, it would just upset them. I would need to be dead for a week or so before they realised by themselves and accepted that, otherwise they would think that I was making things up or something.

I would do it when they left me alone, which they would have to do soon. Carlisle and Esme both had to work, and Bella had school. I had school as well, but they couldn't keep me ther, I would just leave how I normally do, and do it then. I would find a time.

I had so many questions, but no answers. Oh well, I wouldn't live, which was kinda the point.