Once Duo said my eyes were like fire. People have also told me that my eyes are sometimes cold and very unforgiving. An example of those people was my parents. My parents, the two main reasons for me being in this hellhole. It's not like I blame them for placing me in the clinic. It's the fact that they are the reason I started starving myself in the first place. They never seemed to care. Their "hired help" raised me as they called them. It always made me angry when they called them that instead of their names. I mean, they're human for God's sake. I look at some of the clinic's patient's families and I am often jealous.
For instance, Wufei has both his parents; they are a caring couple with strong traditional Chinese values. It's probably why Wufei is the way he is. Sometimes, I wish my parents had been as strict as his parents but they never were. I was never really disciplined. I mean I got a weekend of grounding before. But the person who gave me that punishment was my Nanny. I look at Quatre and his family. Two parents who care about each other deeply and about all their children. Quatre has 5 sisters! 4 of them are older and one is younger. I've only met Iria and his little sister Relena. They're nice but I often wonder why the other 3 don't come and visit Quat. Do they not care? Or are they embarrassed? I think about Quatre's sisters a lot. Wondering if I had siblings would they be like his? Would they not care enough to come visit me in the clinic?
Or would they be like Trowa; Catherine's brother. I think Trowa would be the best kind of brother to have. One that cared so much to make sure that you were okay every week. Trowa does that, he comes every week. Cathy's parents can't come on Saturdays because they have to work. Catherine's mother works as a waitress and always has to work on Saturday afternoons, their father is a factory worker and he works 7 days a week to support the family and pay for Cathy's medical bills. I know this clinic is a blessing but couldn't blessings be a little less expensive? Trowa always brings her something new every week, may it be trinkets or candy. Our room's shelves are filled with the little knick-knacks he brings. Trowa works too, but he spends his paycheck making sure Cathy is happy. He gives half his paycheck to his mom and then one fourth goes into a savings account and the rest goes into buying Cathy her presents, Seeing as their parents couldn't do it. Trowa, I think is the perfect big brother. He cares and is protective. I wish I had a brother like Trowa.
Duo is kind of like me; he really doesn't have a family. I mean, he has his aunt but that's it. And of course he has Heero. I can tell that Duo thinks Heero is the one and I mean…. THE ONE. He gets this starry look in his eyes when he talks about Heero and then he sighs and looks so sad when Saturday afternoon is over. I feel sorry for Duo, but he's the most like me that's probably why we're best friends. My family is a royal load of shit. I don't even think my parents match the definition in the dictionary at all. I mean, their country clubbers and too obsessed in their own lives to worry about their daughter. I bet the other club members don't even know that they have a kid. To have everyone know that your daughter had to be put into an institution to keep her from starving her self to death would be bad for the perfect A list life that my parents lead. I've always been in the background. I'm not number two on the list of things to care about. I think I'm number seven between the groomer and the older man that does the gardening.
To be honest, I feel my mom's drinking could be a root of my problem with self-image. She says she's a social drinker but when I look back at my memories I don't remember the time mom didn't have a martini in her hands. I mean even on Christmas morning. Sure, she wouldn't get up to see me open my presents from Santa, when I was little. My nanny would watch my face light up and when my parents got up at noon there were more presents. You know, I've thought about my childhood a lot while being in sessions with Dr. Kushrenada and I can only come to one conclusion. I hate my parents or at least I should but it seems I always want to crawl back to them. I want them to be here on visitor's day and yet they're not and I'm hurt. I'll never trust them but I'm always hoping that one day my parents will suddenly be like the perfect parents. The one's who cry with you, cry over you and most of all love you unconditionally. But they've never been that way and I'm the product of that relationship… Because I'll always have fire in my eyes; Wufei said I was full of the fire's rage. But I'm working to change that. I'm not fire….
I'm like Hot Grease. You need not get to close or you'll get burned…