Disclaimer: The plot and only the plot is mine. Don't sue.

A/N:

about the format:

flashbacks

'thoughts'

"speech"

normal

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All That I'm Living For

I'm dying inside and for what? All of these memories press upon me at night when I'm all alone. Nighttime is troubled, plagued by nightmares now.

As I feel it beginning, I feel so isolated from everything as I finally begin to understanding everything, putting all the pieces together, all I've seen, all I've done, all I am. I'm the closest thing to darkness in Kairi's heart… maybe that's why all my good intentions come to nothing. I look for words to make it all better only to find nothing, emptiness, I grasp yet again at empty air.

'Sora, Sora, SORA!' the thoughts rang insistently through my head. I tried desperately to push all thoughts of him from my mind but it was no use. He was the reason I existed, the reason why I was here right now, the reason I was in all this pain. Why'd it have to be him? He's my only reason for living, yet my only motivation for dying. All I wanted was a little more. I got greedy, taking what wasn't mine, caught up in his love. Because I wasn't who he'd thought. And now these ghosts, this past is coming for me at last. He's coming. I knew it from the beginning.

'Sora!' the thought ran through my head and I didn't want to know why. Then pain ran through me in waves like electricity running through my body as I began writhing under the agonizing feeling seizing up, instinctively curling up into a ball, unable to scream as I was still a part of Kairi and had no control over anything. 'Make it stop! Make it stop!' I begged internally, whimpering in pain, tears running down my face as I continued moving erratically, my limbs twitching. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard cries of pain from Kairi, but any pain she felt only faded as my own intensified until I thankfully blacked out.

When I came to I was in a strange world, one I did not recognize from Sora's memories. 'Where am I? What am I doing here?' I thought groggily my head spinning as I tried to stand and I winced, falling back down. I felt something dripping down my forehead and closed my eyes hoping it was sweat. Then noticing one part of my head throbbed more than all the rest I put my hand to it hoping to assess what was wrong and my hand met with something sticky and warm and I pulled it away. "Blood, how lovely, I just hope I don't have a concussion." I mumbled. Then the strangeness of it all caught up with me: I was moving, I could see and control my own body, I was conscious, and I saw and felt no signs of Kairi. I gulped, not knowing exactly what this meant. Then I noticed I felt… different I wasn't sure is this was a good or bad thing, probably bad I guessed. It took me a moment to register the pounding within my chest and then more moments to fully comprehend my observation. I had a heart but…. why? How?

It was after that the nightmares began. And they've continued since then. I always believed in the meaning of dreams perhaps out of meaning or longing for something. And these memories would not go away. My wildest dreams had come true and were now becoming nightmares. My obsession coming back to haunt me. I would learn my lesson, would learn not to interfere in the most painful way possible. So I wouldn't lose myself again in these fake memories and dreams anymore as these real ones faced me. They would be replaced by real ones, mockeries of everything I'd wanted as I'd quickly realized.

The implications of this monumental discovery sank in. I had a heart and that could only mean one thing… 'Oh God, no! No!' It came to me why my thoughts had suddenly been of him. 'I know I wanted more time with him but this is not what I meant!'

I nearly broke down sobbing brokenly right then. You see… my past was catching up to me. Sora remembered me now. I'd never thought the day would come. And I was now no longer a part of Kairi… and I knew why. For me to separate required two things: an attachment on my part to something or someone and for me to arouse strong feelings in someone else: love, hatred, envy, pain all were strong enough to cause this… but I figured Sora would never remember me, he'd forgotten me and no-one else knew me so I was safe from that. I would fade away another lost memory.

But my darkest fears came true. And now I've hurt him. He can't live in ignorance anymore. Oh God will I EVER learn? Dreams don't come true for Nobodies. I cause nothing but pain.

Sora came months later asking why? Why had I rewritten his memories? I couldn't tell him of the killing, crippling loneliness. So instead I told him other things: I told him truthfully that it was to make him see me I thought I had to change his memories to do so, I told him my first impulse when I'd realized he was looking for me was to flee but that I'd known he deserved answers and so I would give them. And how far and how long could I run without regret? I could have run on forever but at what cost? So instead I'd faced him.

I couldn't escape my love for him even though it was unrequited. This sweet torture. To have him so close and yet so far. Sheer agony. Which left me with so many questions: should it hurt like this to love him? And was it right for me to still feel this way about him? Because maybe this was my punishment. And because… I'd always known it was only a matter of time.

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A/N: very angsty and i'm dedicating this to gamet (hope u like it) cuz she seems to like sad stuff that seems tragic and 'cause she proofreads my stuff and likes this pairing and she's put up with soooo much of my other stuff so she deserves it and it's funny to spring these things on ppl when they're unsuspecting!

please r&r I appreciate it immensely. next chapter we'll see Sora... and more angst. next chapter should be longer I think.

oh psy you want any stuff dedicated to you? i'm only writing het pairings tho. just PM me if u have any left lol. oh and i'm good.

oh and this idea/some of this fic is loosely influenced by 'All that I'm Living for' by evanesence i just thought it fits. and it set the mood nicely. i suggest u listen. it's an awesome song and the story ties in pretty well. this is not a song fic though.

oh a link to the song is below:

http://www.

youtube

.com

/watch?v=xtcK4wleyu4

this version sorta fits my fic at parts... it was the closest so far but it doesn't really match. hey if ppl wanna make vids of this stuff or any of my fics for me i'd be honored... cuz that'd be pretty sweet i'd do it myself but i lack the clips and the skill to do so.

oh please vote in my poll. thx!