Blame It on Me

I was the moon trying to eclipse the sun and failing miserably. The outline remained; all I did was cast a shadow. I WAS a shadow and the sun, his sun, Kairi, shone through me; I paled beside her. I was only a copy, a cheap imitation of her anyway, I failed to measure up. I only hurt those around me. I'd put Sora's memories back together, hoping everything would go back to how it had been, that everything would be all right. But it wasn't—not anymore. Proof of that was my present state.

I was me again only not quite because now I was…whole. And I was made even more miserable by that fact because it meant he remembered me now, once again. And that changed everything, ruined everything. Because… I wanted to hold onto him, to pretend it was me he loved. But I couldn't. Not then and certainly not now. Because his new knowledge could only cause pain, it was only causing pain as I sensed in him the pain that had created me. Had I made the right choice? If so then why did my heart still break? Why couldn't he just be happy with her?

Because instead he kept feeling guilty, foolishly thinking that he had betrayed her, refusing to admit he was tricked. No matter how many times I tried to tell him, to convince him, he wouldn't listen. He sat outside, alone again. I shivered, watching as my own breath frosted, slowly drifting upwards in the frigid air. He sat in the dark with only a light turtleneck on; he had to be freezing and I could already see his body occasionally wracking with convulsive shivers. And still I bit my lip hesitating, internally debating the issue. Should I go out there to him? Would he freeze to death? I knew I had to be the last person he wanted to see right now so would he even listen if I tried to help? But guilt already weighed heavily on my conscience; I didn't need to add his death to it.

Grabbing a coat and taking a deep steadying breath I stepped outside. To him. My steps crunched gently across the moonlit snow. It was such a peaceful scene out here; nature does not reflect the trials experienced by those in it-- it only occasionally adds to them.

I continued my slow pace until I reached him, "Is this what you want?" I whispered and he jumped; he'd been too absorbed in his thoughts to notice my presence. I continued, "Is this what you want with your life? To sit here moping? I know you want… you want to be with her." I finally managed to get out the words as they kept catching in my throat, trying to keep the hurt from my voice and the tears from my eyes. He had done nothing wrong after all.

Turning to me eyes full of pain and confusion but none of the accusations I so richly deserved, he whispered, "I can't go back to her. I can't."

That was it; I finally had reached my limit and began nearly screaming at him, "It's all my fault all right?! It's all my fault! You know this!" Before continuing I calmed slightly, breathing deeply and then I remembered I had that jacket for him, handing it to him and wordlessly he accepted it and put it on. I began less forcefully now my voice soft now that I had less need to worry about him, "You can blame it all on me. I screwed your memories. Stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. NOTHING. The organization tricked you. I tricked you. I replaced your memories of H…of Kairi" I corrected myself, "with me; it was her all along. But it wasn't the same, you still remembered her underneath it all. The charm proves it." Then I began begging my voice soft and low, "So please… don't blame yourself. The choices and mistakes were not yours, they were never even yours to make, they were mine."

He stared at me then sadly shook his head, "I can't go back."

I was now annoyed again. Why could he not listen! I was trying to set everything right, to make everything go back to how it should and he couldn't listen! Did he want to be or act like some self-sacrificing martyr? When would he forgive himself?

So… I told him—the boy I didn't think I could live without, the boy who even as a Nobody I had come to care for so much I came to believe that maybe I had a heart after all, the boy I loved—told him "Nothing is stopping you now. She loves you I-I told her everything." And I still remembered her reaction. How could I not? The handprint clearly etched across my face had lasted at least a week—a week where I hid from Sora so he wouldn't know and feel guilty.

He gaped in shock at my revelation unquestioning and I led him inside—I couldn't let him die from exposure; I wouldn't have to worry about struggling with the guilt for she would kill me. I sighed quietly, wishing things had worked out differently.

But it's an old story the hero and his princess, their promise, his memories of her. It was an old tale. So predictable, comfortable. And then I'd come along, the witch, throwing everything, their perfect world for a loop. And now things were returning to normal, as if I had never interrupted, never existed.

I turned from these depressing thoughts… but they lingered. And I knew this time it would hurt worse than ever before when he left because now I finally had a heart. I still remembered before—the last time when he'd chosen her over me. I'd been hurt but I'd understood: who wants fake memories when he had such good REAL ones?

But… I'd never expected it to happen again. And here he was about to inflict a fresh wound, a new scar.

I knew this time it would hurt even more.

And it did. …But, I'd never expected it could hurt this much, ache this badly.

I waved, smiling cheerfully as he left and then ran into my room. I knew now without any doubts that I had a heart because it was broken. He was gone. Really, truly, forever gone to be with her. And it felt like he'd taken a piece of me with him and now I would never be whole again. It took a while for the reality to truly sink in and when it did I sobbed uncontrollably until no more tears came and exhausted I collapsed into a dreamless sleep.

With him gone things returned to normal; I was alone again. But this time it was more than ever before. Axel and Roxas were no longer there to comfort me. 'I can deal with being alone!' I insisted to myself but a small voice whispered: But at least then you were whole. What are you now? Now that he's been here and left you… twice. Knowing that you're not enough. Knowing that he's left a hole inside. I dissolved into tears.

It didn't help that I knew it was my fault and what else could I have expected? I wished him happiness, he deserved it, but WHY did it come at the cost of my own? Why couldn't I have a normal life? Why couldn't I be happy? Why did he have to leave?

Would he ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive myself?

Why had I even had such an ability? I didn't want it. I remembered how I'd tricked him; I tried so hard to change. But I couldn't. It was part of who I was. But at least I could never do it again. So, even though I wanted nothing more than for Sora to stay with me, I wouldn't do it again. I wouldn't lie to him. Never again. I guess… my love wasn't enough…

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A/N: i think this will have one more chapter.

i may make a sequal. the sequal (if i write one) will have some fluff and angst but much less and will be... maybe not all cheer and flowers but will be happier and fluffy and have more namora... maybe. or i might make one where it's a sokai and Nami has to deal with it that would be interesting too.

i will write a bit of a prequal to this that is definite.

please r&r.

roughly based/inspired by lacrymosa by evanesence if i find a good vid i'll post a link here.

so what do y'all think? too angsty? good amt? too much/overdone? sappy? (i surely hope not). good? bad? i wanna know.