Summary: One night makes all the difference for Hijikata when he lies on the
line of death and life with a broken heart.
Warnings: YAOI, Takasugi x Hijikata, Gintoki x Hijikata. Death Note spoilers.
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Sorachi Hideaki. I, sadly, don't own L or Death note either.
Beta: Lumi75, thanks for all your help, both as beta and a friend.
TOSHY-BOY & TAKASUGI
The hero is commonly the simplest and obscurest of men. ~Henry David Thoreau
"Who is it?" snapped Kondou at the mention of the uninvited guest. "Tell him I'm busy."
"Oi, is this how the Shinsengumi treat their guests? Telling them 'you are busy', after they made the effort of coming all the way here? Nasty style, Commander, and here I was thinking I'm the one with bad hospitality."
Gintoki didn't wait for any further invitation before pushing the door aside and entering the room on his own. Yamazaki's hissed from behind as he shut the door, but the free-lancer pretended that he didn't hear him. He went up to Hijikata's futon, gazing seriously at the wide blue eyes.
"Hello, danna," Shougo greeted the silver haired man with a small wave.
Gintoki nodded back shortly and returned his blank-looking eyes to Hijikata's face. He seated himself at the floor, and remained silently gazing at the Vice-Commander for a long while. Suddenly he reached out his hand, in it was a glass of water.
"How are you, Toshy-Boy?"
The black haired man blinked in amazement and his lips parted at the other samurai's sudden admission of open confidence. In just three seconds had the silver haired man caught everybody's attention, damn he was sure the lower ranked Shinsengumi must be currently gossiping and raving about albino's sudden arrival here!
Hijikata was aware that Gintoki had a sort of unique appeal that made him attractive to people of all kinds. The Vice-Commander was not the only one affected by it, far from it actually. He remembered that night when he had to make one of the toughest decisions in his life, and he still didn't know, even today, if he had made the right choice.
However, he finally decided during lunch break to send Yamazaki after Gintoki, the Joi he sheltered, and to kill both of them.
No way around it, Hijikata argued. Gintoki had only himself to blame for becoming mixed up with the Joi. But in the end … it didn't it matter since Yamazaki failed disastrously in his mission.
Yamazaki explained that the perm-head idiot had something, a sort of irresistible glow surrounding him that made people gather around him, be they friends or enemies.
He melted in the middle of his chest; to not admire the man was impossible...until suddenly his face turned as cold as stone, embittered by the flash of memories.
"As if I would want to be in the Shinsengumi-hiccup-I mean, just look at you for example," he pointed at Hijikata. "Do you think I want to be like you? Some dog of the state?" he waved his hand dismissively. "Tch. Give me a break Toshi."
Sorry, he was wrong, to not admire the man was actually possible…especially when he was a fucking dumb cow and just as much full of shit.
He replied a curt "Fine" and pointedly disregarded the glass of water. He shortly regretted his action though, since his throat felt as dry as sandpaper. But to take the glass, now, without the idiot offering him, would just make him look stupid.
"Oh really?" Gintoki wiggled his silver eyebrows in a teasing manner, his gaze slyly racked over the Vice-Commanders bandaged body shamelessly. Staying uncomfortably long at certain body parts.
Hijikata used his good hand to draw the blanket higher on his body, hiding it from unwanted eyes, or in other words, perverts.
He tried to look pissed off and bothered, but deep down he knew that it all was just an act. A big part of him liked the attention he got, however perverted it may be, and a flame of hope came to life in his soul.
Maybe he does like me...
"Yorozuya, I demand an explanation of your sudden appearance here or else will I arrest you for illegal infringement of our premises," interrupted Kondou, his sharp, otherwise soft and friendly, brown eyes drilling down on the free-lancer. The two black rings actually emphasized the intensity of his threat.
Gin noticed the Commader's shocking appearance and slackly blinked, then turned to the blonde haired boy by the wall. "What happen to the Gorilla?" he asked, jerking a thumb at the older man's direction.
"Starting a new lifestyle as insomniac, I guess," Shougo enlightened, carelessly shrugging his shoulder.
"Ahh, I see." There was a flicker of curiosity in Gintoki's pupils. "He looks a little like L."
"I know. Our goal is to make the Commander as intelligent as him actually," deadpanned Shougo. Said Commander furrowed his brow in confusion. "Oi, what do you mean by that, Shougo?"
The Captain pretended not to hear him.
"That won't work you idiot," snapped Gintoki, setting his glass down so that he could gesture freely. "Everybody knows that it was the sugar that did L smart."
"Really?" Shougo seemed astonished by the discovery. "Wow, and I thought all this time that the sugar just made his reasoning ability 40% higher."
"No, no, the secret was in his strange way of sitting," Gintoki corrected. "They even said so in the thirty-eight chapter."
"Whoa! You're really smart danna, you actually remembered all these unnecessary things." Yamazaki and Hijikata both sweatdropped, they seemed to be the only ones in the room cringing at the sarcasm in Shougo's words.
"Of course I am, never doubt it," Gintoki waved a scolding finger in the air before he pointed it to his chest in a proud fashion, his eyes closed. "I eat sweets daily, so I will soon become the smartest person in the world."
Hijikata covered his face with his and groaned loudly, what's stupider than the spot over 'i' was the idiot's tone sounding like he truly believed that sugar made one smarter. Good grief. Hijikata bit back his tongue. If he transformed his thoughts into words, it would start another senseless argument between them. Still, it was very tempting.
A loud roar burst their eardrums. "LAY OFF YOU TWO!!!"
Kondou mistook Hijikata's groan as horrible pain and anxiously screamed to silence their conversation. "You are disturbing Toshi!"
"You're disturbing him even more, Commander," mumbled Yamazaki but only the background heard him.
Gintoki scoffed, waved away Kondou's objection. "It's okay, he said he was fine a minute ago, right? Toshy-boy will be on his feet before we know it," he paused. "However I do need to give him a private message from someone, it is really important so could you...," he looked pointedly at the exit that Yamazaki was guarding.
"I'll not leave you alone here with Toshiiii!" Kondou screeched in falsetto, horrified by the idea. "He is still not completely recovered yet and he-"
"Mah, mah, it is okay, Commander," Shougo said as he pushed himself off the wall. He stretched his arms in the air, letting out a pleasured grunt when his back cracked. "Let danna chat with Hijikata-san a while. We can go and get some air, get some sleep and maybe fetch some more tea, you took the last of it a hour ago," he tilted his head a little to the right so that he openly looked at the several tea cups that still piled on the small table.
Kondou blushed faintly and become embarrassed when all people in the room, excluding Toshi, followed Shougo's gaze to the table. Luckily no one broached the subject but Kondou knew what they were thinking.
"And your presence is needed outside this room, Commander," reeled Yamazaki quickly, seeing the opportunity to finally get their Shinsengumi leader back on track. "We have several unchecked reports, important mail to be answered, some guy-I can't recall his name-searching for you on the telephone and Katsura is still on the lose!"
"And the tea, Kondou-san," Shougo reminded in a creepy voice as he stepped up behind Kondou's back, grasping his shoulder lightly. "Don't forget the tea~"
"God, Shougo, stop acting as if I was addicted to that thing!" Kondou hissed, brushing off Shougo as the boy gave him the creeps. He straightened out his tight leader's jacket to collect himself before he continued speaking.
"Okay. I will go, but only if Toshi wants me to," Kondou said, crossing his arm and looking very determinated but still childish. All turned to the black haired man for his answer. "Do what you want," came a muffled answer from under Hijikata's arm when he felt their gazes. He didn't care either way.
"Good, let's go, Commander," Yamazaki said as he opened the door eagerly. The loud bang echoed in the room, as well within Hijikata's skull. He clutched his eyes for a moment, growled in warning.
"Yamazaki."
"Sorry, V-Vice-Commander," Yamazaki said, his voice cracked by the natural fear that washed over him and he bowed quickly in apology.
Kondou seemed hesitant to rise to his feet, but he had to give Toshi some face, if he protested any further it would just seem like he didn't trust his second-in-command with taking care of himself. He sighed. "Fine, I'll rely on you to take care of Toshi while we are away, Yurozuya. If you need anything just come to me, clear?"
"Crystal clear, Commander," Gintoki answered, a little artificial smile appearing on his lips just to convince the Commander of his kindness.
Kondou and Shougo slowly begun to move to the door and Kondou just manage to cast one last worried look at his Vice-Commander before he left the room with Shougo. Yamazaki softly closed the door after them.
Gintoki let out a big breath of relief. I got rid of them-Finally! Geez, I thought that they would never leave, honestly...
He placed his hands on the floor behind him and leaned backwards. He nearly tripped the glass of water with his thumb, but it saved itself, the water in it only swinged sideways and little spilled over the edge.
"I thought that they would never leave," Gintoki confessed.
"Cut the crap and just tell me the message so I can get rid of you faster."
"Sheesh Toshy-Boy~, you are such a spoilsport," Gintoki complained loudly, lifting one of his hands when it itched in his nose. His eyes shifted to the black haired man's body again. The blanket that the man had drawn up earlier now slid down his chest unnoticed and stayed by his waist. He could see the start of a couple of boxers there, the stomach was flat, the waist slender, hot and s-.
Gintoki forced his eyes close and poked in his nose. "You owe someone money and she wishes to get it very soon since her business isn't going that well right now."
"Money?" Of all the subjects that Hijikata had expected, money wasn't even on the list.
"Yeah," Gintoki confirmed, concentratingon his pinkie finger. When he saw a bugger on it, he carelessly shot it away to an unknown destination. Hijikata gritted his teeth, feeling annoyed about the short reply and the damn perm-head's disgusting habits.
"And who is this someone?" Hijikata asked, laying heavy emphasis on 'someone'.
"Does the name Ikumatsu ring a bell, Toshy-Boy?" Gintoki's hand lowered itself down to the floor again. "Your dear Shinsengumi comrades tore down one of her walls when they-ahh, how did she put it? 'When they maltreated a giant white duck and later chased after one of her regulars'."
"Tch. And now that she has tried to get compensation from the Shinsengumi but failed," Hijikata continued. "Since you are such a good buddy of mine you offered to come here to pick up the cash, right?"
"Yeah, it was pretty much exactly what I said to her," Gintoki replied, unsurprised. Hijikata wasn't stupid after all. "She has sent many letters and mail here but you never seem to return them..."
"The Shinsengumi is bigger than you think, it could easily get lost here," Hijikata lied, in reality was he sure that one of the guys who handled the economy did not even care to stamp 'decline' with red paint on her compensation inquiry, but only threw it in the trash straight away. Hijikata never really liked blokes that made a living through dealing with money.
"Do you have any cigarettes on you?" All this talking made him wish for something between his fingers. Something to make the time worthwhile.
"Not really, I don't smoke, do you remember?" Gintoki ignored Hijikata's sigh of disappointment. "Anyway, she wants her money back, the wall was not cheap to build up again and her business would flow much better if-"
"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Hijikata grumbled tiredly, his eyes starting to close. "Just write down the number of the woman's bank account and I will fix it."
Gintoki seemed a little taken back by Hijikata's fast approval, but he didn't want to question it. He guessed that the Vice-Commander had his good sides.
He scavenged in his pocket for a piece of paper with a couple of numbers- Got it!And crawled over to the table and laid it there as Hijikata had instructed.
He turned curiously around to see if Hijikata looked at him, to check that he had followed his orders or perhaps to say something to him. For some reason become he little disappointed when both his beliefs was incorrect.
Is he planning to sleep with his arm over his face all day? Gin thought irked, as he crawled back to his original spot beside the resting raven.
"Oi, what is it with the Shinsengumi. Must you always treat your guest like crap, huh? The least you can do is simply to look at me-" Gintoki unexpectedly grasped Hijikata's broken hand and pulled it up sharply, trying to pull him forcefully to sit up.
Hijikata's blue eyes under the arm snapped open and he screamed in pain, accidentally biting his tongue. Warm blood flooded his mouth. He slapped away Gintoki's hand with his good arm before clutching his broken hand protectively to his chest.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Hijikata screamed furiously, spiting out blood straight to the silver haired samurai's face. "You idiot! Moron! Damnable permhead! Do you-"
"Hey, hey, calm down, I just tried to get you up. Sorry," Gintoki wiped away the blood before he raised his hands in surrender, showing that he didn't mean any harm by what he had just done.
However gave he the other a strange look, couldn't resist asking. "Or are you planning to actually stay lying in bed forever. Is this your plan, Toshy-Boy? Shall I move your mail box here too?"
"I would rather stay here than to be killed by a half-witted incompetent drunkard!"
"I was only trying to help you up," Gintoki rolled his eyes to the ceiling, what's the big deal? Toshy-Boy can be such a wuss sometimes. "No need to exaggerate Toshy-Boy, I said I was sorry so drop it."
"You fucking fucker!" Hijikata roared, nerves on edge. "Stop calling me Toshy-Boy, you idiot! How can anyone stand you when you are so damn stupid that you'd get killed by a even more damnable parked car!"
Gin's frowned thoughtfully. "...Can parked cars kill you?"
Hijikata paused and stared at the silver haired man in disbelief. No, he's got to be kidding. How much of the bastards brain died by the alcohol two nights ago?
"...I don't know you anymore," announced Hijkata flatly. He burrowed into his bed, turning his back to the other man.
Gin grinned teasingly now. "Are you implying that you did know me, are you, Toshy-Boy?" He poked Hijikata's tense back, unaware just how much his touch affected the other. "Were we best buddies before, huh? Did we play dirty games together and such?"
Hijikata wouldn't turn around and snap at the man, because it would be a pretty big chance that Gin would question the blush that graced his cheeks. He blew up his cheeks angrily, refusing to answer.
"Oi, what's wrong with you? Are you gonna sulk on me now, are you? Tch, as if I haven't enough of this at home with that S&M girl," Gintoki ran his hand through his silver hair, closing his eyes and mumbling. "Sometimes you can be such a girl, Toshy-Boy."
"You don't know anything, so just shut the fuck up!" Hijikata snarled. The 'Takasugi experience' made him very touchy about his manliness.
Gintoki opened one eye and peered at him, not the least bit impressed, "Yeah?" he challenged. "Then, maybe I would know anything if you told me something."
"Maybe I don't WANT to tell you something!"
"Then, maybe you can go with the anything."
"As if I will 'maybe' tell you about the anything!"
"Then, "Gintoki grinned in a sly way, his one closed eye and open suddenly looked like a wink. "How about maybe everything, ne, Toshy-Boy?"
"I will never tell anything to such an insensitive bastard as yourself!" Hissed a glaring Hijikata, his patience was rapidly dissolving.
"But maybe?" Gin tried.
"Never means never, when will it get through your thick head!? Geez, you are so dense!"
"Maybe don't want to understand because maybe...I care about you," Gin whispered tenderly, his big hand reached slowly out. Hijikata whole system crashed and he become white as a sheet when Gintoki touched his face, stroking the cheeks.
"So, all finished," Gintoki smiled, drawing away his hand. Hijikata noticed the blood on it and frowned confusingly until he understood. His own hand raised to his face, feeling after the blood that earlier had trailed from his mouth. There was none.
"...going soft on me won't make me talk to you, you know," muttered he unthankfully, wiping his hand roughly over his mouth. "And if you really care about me can you drag your sorry-worthless-ass home already and stay there because it would make me..."
In the Shinsengumi quarters he would live forever, lying in said cold bed and there, for just this night, cry alone in the darkness.
Because that was what he was destined to be.
Alone.
He could feel the sadness welling and the pain in his chest and he quickly turned his back to Gintoki again. He wanted to cry, more than he did that night, a lot more. Not because of his so-called destiny, but because he didn't want that. He didn't...
Hands clutched the thin blanket harder, making the knuckles white as he tried to stop sobs from escaping his mouth. He could feel himself tremble a little, and how breathing with the nose became more difficult by the second.
The tears were like a comfort to him, his only comfort.
"Oi, are you freezing? I can get you and thicker blanket if you want. The one you have can't be enough, no? You will get sick."
Hijikata couldn't help the snarl that seated on his lips, he told himself that it was a neutral reaction to the man he hated tried to play hero on his shift.
"Who would want help from you?" he managing saying without his voice cracking.
"Well I don't know," Gin said, scratching his chin as he pretended to think. "Hmm, maybe a stubborn Vice-Commmander...ne Toshy-Boy do you know any stubborn Vice-Commanders?"
"Haha, you are so funny," Hijikata said without any humour in his voice. He glared at the freelancer over his shoulder and at an offended-looking Gin. He snorted. "I can't understand that this is the guy I saved two days ago, god, if I didn't know better would I think that you were my grandmother that I haven't visited in years."
"You didn't save me you bastard, you're just thinking that --- but in reality you have destroyed my WHOLE life!" Hijikata snapped, turning fully around, but not before drawing his hand over his eyes so the bastard wouldn't see the beginning of his tears. He couldn't help acting like this, it was the bastard's fault, he didn't understand his feelings!
"HA! Don't make me laugh, Hijikata-KUN," Gintoki was very clear on drooping his pet name for Hijikata. He crossed his arms defensively. "I may have been drunk that night but I do remember you begging me not to let go of you, clinging to me like a damn koala!"
"I was drunk, okay?! And I never begged you to do anything but TO LEAVE me the hell alone! Can't you just do that huh?!"
"If I hadn't picked you up that night, surely some homeless person would have dragged you off and sold your organs, so show some fucking gratefulness."
"What? Is it what you want?" Hijikata didn't seem to believe it. He didn't want to believe it. "Are you saying that you 'saved' me that night just because you wanted a dumb thanks, not because you cared about me?"
"I never said that, did I?!" Gintoki snapped back, losing his temper. He hated pessimists who just assumed the worst of everything. "Stop imagining things already. Everything isn't about you, you know? All I want is you to stop acting like an ass to me!"
"Yeah right! Don't even try to lie to me! All you want is me to praise you as a fucking hero, nothing more," Hijikata now sat up on the futon, he refused to give Gin the privilege of avoiding the bloody anger in his eyes that he was famous for. "You want to be a damn hero, because it makes you feel good when people stand in debt in you, are indebted to you-!"
"I have never wanted that," Gin denied, staring straight in Hijikata's eyes."Do you think that I help people just because I want them to become indebted to me?! You can fucking talk to all the people I know if I forced them to say 'thank you' to me! Because as hell I didn't! Those people are just friendlier than you."
He paused suddenly and his face shifted from anger to smug comprehension. "Ahh, now I see…how could I not seen it earlier? You are jealous that people don't treat you that way, the people of Edo don't like the tax-taker as much as freelancers huh?"
"As if I care about what people think of us when we turn our backs. What matters is that we Shinsengumi get respect on the streets, and we do get a lot more of that, than certain freelancers that want to play hero. But let face it, you are no hero, because heroes only exist in fairy tales that mothers read to their children, that don't know a shit about the real world. And you were that child. But now, you know what you are now? Just a fucking, poor Yorozuya, so low that he will do anything for money."
"Of course I will do everything for money! I have two brats and a giant dog to feed what would you do?!" a loud bang was heard when Gintoki slammed his fist in the floor in anger.
"Don't even try to use the brats and mute as an excuse," Hijikata hissed, not giving the man the pleasure of acknowledging his show of anger, or more uncontrolled anger.
"I know that the kid who works for you and hasn't gotten one single yen from you in two years! The little money you earn, you waste on manga and sugar!"
"Maybe I do but I would rather live my life than be a fucking dog of the state that waste tax-payers money when all they do all day is sitting on their fat ass eating donuts, or in your case mayonnaise!" Gintoki backed off finally, seeming to realize that their screaming just went higher and higher. If this carried on, someone's going to burst in here and wonder what the hell is going on.
He resumed a normal conversational tone. "I will let you in on a secret, okay? To be honest have I no idea way I even bothered to show up here today, or why I even saved you that night."
"I know why, you wanted to be a hero. And you dragged your ass here to be showered by your so desired gratefulness," he snorted, wrinkling his nose. "Gratitude, gratitude, is it all you care for?! Have you ever thought about how you hurt people around you?"
"What? How I--Oh now I see!" Gin laughed loudly, sounding as a madman by his supposed discovery.
Hijikata gave him a suspicious glance and frowned at the twisted bastard, he didn't like the man's sudden change of mood. "What did your retarded brain see now?"
"Oh, Hijikata, Hijikata," Gintoki shook his head as if the black haired man was a naive grandchild. "This isn't about me or any other person. It is about you. Such a surprise there. Always about Toshi that and Toshi this. I said something to you didn't I, or maybe I did something to you. That's why you are mad, right?"
"...It isn't about me!" Hijikata denied. But now that he started to think about it Gintoki's claim made sense. He honestly didn't know if...No. This had nothing to do with him and his unrequited love. It was all Gin's fault, everything, he just want to play hero all the time, right? Why did it sound like he was trying to convince himself all of a sudden? He felt so confused.
"Get out of my room now," he said in a small voice. "I don't have the energy to deal with you right now."
"Sure, I am not gonna bother you anymore," Hijikata could hear Gin getting to his feet and moving to the door without turning back. "You can consider the little familiarity we had between each other as gone. Farewell and good luck--- stranger!"
Every hero becomes a bore at last. - Ralph Waldo Emerson