Summary: One night makes all the difference for Hijikata when he lies on the line of death and life with a broken heart.
Warnings: YAOI, Takasugi x Hijikata, Gintoki x Hijikata.
Disclaimer: All characters owned by Sorachi Hideaki.
Beta: Lumi75, thanks for all your help, both as beta and a friend.
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TOSHY-BOY & TAKASUGI
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Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.~Alanis Morissette
***
Hijikata's eyes were glazed and he stared blankly at the closed door, finally lowering his head wretchedly into his palm. "Moron," he mumbled, drawing his thin fingers through his hair. "You are such an idiotic moron."
He didn't honestly know what to do with himself any longer, his life was over. He had nothing, not even his dignity or pride for that matter. All because of Takasugi-fucking-Shinsuke, thought Hijikata darkly as he tightfisted his raven hair to the point of self torture. Unwanted memories flashed in front of his eyes that he quickly disposed of.
It was a shame for a Shinsengumi to be so weak, so weak that he could be dominated by a fucking criminal. No matter if the criminal was a legendary samurai, leader of the Joi rebellion and wrathful spirit of destruction. He could have done more resisting, done more than he did and then maybe, maybe Takasugi would be in his place instead of him lying in bed, injured and unable to move, not even permitted to move. He glared at the ceiling of the gloomy, windowless room, most likely a storage shed buried at the back of the Shinsengumi compound. It was so unnervingly quiet he couldn't even hear the chirp of birds or footsteps of men. He was completely cut from the outside…just like some caged animal.
The talking earlier in the day had worn him out. As soon as he closed his eyes he was swallowed up by a restless slumber echoing with nightmarish voices.
***
A few hours later, Shougo entered Hijikata's room humming cheerfully to himself. He didn't even bother to knock, just kicked the door with his foot, making Hijikata jump violently. He would have used his hands had they not been busily occupied holding his favourite cup and a slice of bread. For privacy reasons he shut the door behind him, maybe a tad harsher than needed.
Hijikata's face looked dreadful from sleep and even a little drool was visible. "Huh? Wha-" he swung his head left and right before spotting the teenager. "Shougo," he rubbed his eyes. "What the fuck are you doing here?"
Shougo strode over with lazy steps and took a seat at the low table. He blew calmly at the white cloud rising from his steaming cup, perfectly at peace. "Hijikata-san," he said thoughtfully, "Did you know that the position of Vice-Commander has been at the top of my list to Santa ever since I was six…" Shougo mumbled as he mildly frowned. "...But I still haven't got it..."
Hijikata wondered about the connections within Shougo's grey cells. Why is he talking about Santa? I wasn't asking about Santa, was I? It isn't even Christmas!
"Idiot, the Shinsengumi didn't even exist when you were six, much less the position of Vice-Commander." He grumbled, flipping under his blanket to face the wall.
"What did you say?" Shougo teased.
Hijikata just waved his hand dismissively.
"I'm not surprised that your wish didn't come true. You forgot that Santa's gifts are for good brats only," and you are the most evil person walking on the face of this earth, hell you're the Satan's nightmare in flesh.
"Are you really so naive Hijikata-san? That's only what they want you to believe..." Shougo said in an irksome tone and condescending little smile lit up his face as he raised the cup. "The reason my wish hasn't come true yet is because is it too expensive for Santa."
Hijikata couldn't help but notice the 'yet' in the sentence, but he decided not comment on it.
"Seriously Shougo, are you trying to tell me that Santa is poor? What do you know about Santa's finances, anyway? You can barely keep check on your o-"
Sluuuuuuuurpppp~
"-wn." He frowned. "And by the way Santa does not-
Sluuuuuuuurpppp!~
A little flame glowed in Hijikata's eye."...Exist. So maybe you need to stop wasting stamps sending those fucking letters to nobody, if it's anybody that needs to watch their finances it is it the Shins-"
CHEW! CHEW! CHEW!
"Good dammit, Shougo!"
"What?" Said teen blinked innocently, toast in his hand snowing breadcrumbs all over the table.
Hijikata opened his month to begin yet another rant, this time about Shougo's gross way of eating bread with open mouth but stopped himself in the last second. What is the point? he sighed again, anger level lowering drastically.
"Nevermind."
"Oh?" Shougo was surprised. Never had the demonic Vice-Commander wasted any opportunities to scream his head off at him, but today Hijikata had already declined the many openings to snap at him throughout their conversation. That wasn't normal. What happened to his spirit? Could he actually be dying?
Fortunately enough-or unfortunately for his part- he had ample proof that Hijikata was in good health, since he had acted very lively when Danna came by and...
Shougo placed his half-bitten toast on the table, and seated his finger under his lip in thinking position as a theory began to form in his mind like a puzzle or more like a equation.
A normal Hijikata added Danna equals weird Hijikata. Hmm, something isn't right here, what could have happened between them?
"Well, how did your talk with Danna go? Did he deliver the message he said he would?"
Hijikata's face paled at the mention of the albino samurai, his body tensed for a moment before answering,"...yes, he did...."
Shougo waited to hear more but Hijikta awkwardly started picking at his bandages and didn't show any sign of stopping anytime soon.
"Was it a good message?" Shougo interrupted.
"Does the bastard ever bring good messages?" Hijikata swore moodily, making Shougo frown in confusion.
"I thought you admired Danna, Hijikata-san?"
"Nooooo! What gave you the idea?" Hijikata grimaced and spat distastefully at the floor. "You know that we are enemies. I'm sure he's some kind of Joi member in disguise, I'm just waiting for the moment he slips up, I'll put him into the deepest of-"
"Because now when I think about it, you and Danna didn't seem to get along that well today," Shougo continued talking, not caring that it was crude to interrupt and not listen to people when they were talking.
"Oi. " Hijikata drilled his blue eyes at him. "Are you saying that I and the bas-"
"'The bastard and I' is the correct term Hijikata-san," Shougo deadpanned as he casually took out his bazooka and begun to polished it with a cloth.
'The bastard and I' …
'The bastard and I' …
Shougo's careless words roared like thunder in Hijikata's ears and his chest gave a thump. A deep blush spread uncontrollably over his skin. He became uncomfortably aware of Shougo's cloth slowly moving up the smooth metal and then down again. And then up… he was so light headed he was sure that he would faint had he not been lying down. "A-a-anyway, the bastard and I don't shoot each- I mean like each other! We have never got al-al-alon-a," Hijikata sputtered uncontrollably when he saw Shougo load the bazooka. "A-a-a-a-a."
"Yes?" Shougo turned his attention to him, his face as pure as a new born baby.
"And I hate him!" Hijikata hurled with unexpected power, eye clutched hard. He couldn't handle this pressure from the Captain in this state, he couldn't. "I hate him, I hate him. He deserves to die!"
Shougo raised both eyebrows, small lines appeared on his forehead and he stopped cleaning his weapon. "Why?" he asked simply in genuine curiosity. "Why do you hate him?"
"I-I...damn well don't know," confessed Hijikata defensively, voice cracking very out of character. He scratched the back of his head awkwardly, blinking repeatedly as his gaze dodged the other.
Shougo was starting to see the pattern in Hijikata's behaviour. He over-reacted every time a certain man was mentioned. You don't need to be an expert to see that Hijikata was lying his pants off.
Why does he suddenly hate Danna?
"Ehh~you don't know, well that's funny." Shougo sighed and pretended to put on a dreamy expression. "I just can't understand why you would hate such a great guy as Danna-sama, he's so cool and fantastic. I wouldn't mind working for such a hero."
Hijikata ground his teeth furiously. Hero.Oh he hated that word so much, he would love nothing more than to tear out that word from every fucking dictionary in the world and stuff it up in the mouth of the idiot that invented the word.
Stupid heroes. They don't exist, when will people get it?!
"Hero? Or Zero? You wouldn't be so happy if you actually knew how it's like to work with him, Shougo. I have and believe me it's an impossible task in itself."
"Oh?" Shougo tilted his head. "You did?"
"Yes, I did my best you know," Hijikata nodded, kept on babbling to assure Shougo. "I was trying to please the bastard in all ways but it wasn't enough, he was just horrible back. He hurt me cruelly that night wh-" Hijikata's eyes widen and his hand flew up across his month when he realized that he was just one tiny the line from blurting out his secret. "And I hate him because of that!" he ended quickly, turned is back to the other and throw the blanket over his head to hide his bewildered look.
Shougo had leaned slightly forward, his blood red eyes glowed in excitement just to die down when Hijikata ceased speaking. He was so close, so damn close to get the key-information he needed, thought, now was he positive that Danna was involved in all this.
"Hijikata-san, are you saying that Danna, Gintoki Sakata actually 'hurt' you that night?" Shougo was stubborn, once he had started would he not quit. Just like with the damn Vice-Commander position, Shougo would never lay off about it. Never.
"I didn't-I mean he did-" Hijikata began hesitantly, paused to nervously lick his dry lips. "I don't remember, okay! Go the hell away so I can sleep!"
He doesn't deny it, thought Shougo with a deep frown. Now he was sure Danna must have done something wrong and Hijikata made up these pathetic lies to help him out of a distorted sense of loyalty.
"Hijikata-san, who are you protecting? Please be honest with me, tell he exactly what you remember from last night. If I get the feeling you're still holding back, I'll simply approach Danna myself and compare your statements."
"Don't talk to him!" yelled Hijikata muffled by the cloth. His voice was both threatening and pleading. His eye peaked out under the cover to glare at Shougo. Shougo just shrugged his shoulders, ready to agree with anything on this point.
"Sure, but it's all up to you, Hijikata-san. Tell me the truth and Danna will not knew anything. Deal?"
"...Deal," Hijikata accepted reluctantly. He sucked in a breath, probably to preparing himself psychologically for what he was saying.
"I was out with the bastard, he had a few drinks and then we had a fight.." more like a failed confession for Hijikata, as if he could say that. Besides even if Shougo asked the bastard he wouldn't even remember if they fought or not, and Hijikata was pretty edgy the whole night. "...And I left, drunk."
"Do you remember where?"
"Under the bridge," Hijikata answered truthfully. The imprints of his battle by the riverbank must have been washed away by the rising tide, so he needn't worry. "Then I was attacked and the next thing I know, I woke up in this room."
Shougo snickered. "Were you that drunk, huh?" Hijikata scowled but Shougo continued. "And you don't remember anything about the attacker, except that it was a male?"
"He was a good swordsman," Hijikata chewed his lip under the cover as he tried to think up more useless information to feed the other. "He mentioned that he had stalked me to the bridge and he was...angry at me?" Well Takasugi was damn well angry when Hijikata refused to open his month for him. He stuck out his tongue in disgust by the memory.
"Now I see," Shougo said suddenly in a grave voice, hitting a fist gently down in his palm. His tea and bread were now consumed in his stomach. "As I suspected, Sakata Gintoki did it. He is the only good swordsman who knew you were at the bar. You guys had a fight, he was drunk, angry and frustrated. Perhaps he wanted to settle the score by brawling, he couldn't help stalking you and-"
"OIIII" Hijikata kicked of the blanket in panic with his foot. "The attacker isn't Gin, he would never-"
"You denying it just makes my theory stronger," Shougo stated firmly, crossing his arms over his chest. But his face softened when he noticed that Hijikata looked on the verge of a heart-attack. The demonic Vice-commander's rare display of kindness towards the Yorozuya was rather touching. "Don't worry Hijikata-san," he said soothingly. "I understand your feelings. It's just normal for the victim to protect the guilty. You have heard about the Stockholm Syndrome, no?"
Hijikata didn't say anything, his jaw worked up and down when he struggled to utter a sentence-something! But he looked helplessly on when Shougo got up, dusted off his trousers and strode decisively to the exit. The act of forgetting his favourite cup showed how much his thoughts were far away. Shougo's eyes glinted as he slid the door open. Even though he liked Danna, if he found out Gintoki really was the swordsman who attacked Hijikata, then he must arrest him right away.
I can't pretend it never happened like Hijikata does. Being a friend is not an excuse...
"Hijikata-san," he said before leaving. "Leave this to me. Our job isn't to grant forgiveness. We make sure that everyone should pay for their crimes."
"Wait, Shougo, you've got it all wrong!" Hijikata finally screamed, his hand reaching desperately out to the Captain, not caring how his wounds stung at the movement. If only he could walk, he would have physically restrained Shougo.
Shougo was rather embarrassed by his superior's lack of self-control. His hand was resting on the door and was ready to close it any second. But still he forced a moment to utter a few wise words to his fellow Vice-Commander. "Being a friend is not an excuse, it is all the more reason to report him."
"You fucking idiot! Listen to me, this is a misunderstanding! Shougo! SHOUGO!"
But it was too late the door was already closed, and Hijikata could hear a key turning on the locking from the outside, sealing his freedom. He breathed raggedly. In the silence that followed he heard Shougo say:
"Because a true friend will thank you in the end."
***
Right Danna?...
Shougo sighed and hung his head as he walked down the corridor towards his patrol car. He straightened up when he noticed a Shinsengumi on guard duty at the end of the corridor whom he didn't recognize, possibly a new guy. He was an older samurai with unkempt hair and white bandage around his head, obscuring his features. Considering the number of violent clashes the Shinsengumi engaged in on a nightly basis, Shisengumi who showed up for duty in bandages was not an uncommon sight.
"Where's Yamazaki?" Shougo demanded, looking left and right. "He's supposed to be on guard duty."
"Yes Captain Okita," the guard replied in a deep, steady voice that made him sound reliable. He bowed his head respectfully so Shougo was unable to stare into his eyes. Instead, Shougo found himself drawn to the Shinsengumi uniform, which powerfully reminded him of the true meaning of what he just said to Hijikata and even something more. Being in the Shinsengumi was not just any work, they had a duty and expectation to follow.
I'm doing this for the sake of peace in Edo. If I overlook Danna's mistakes, then it would be unfair to the rest of the Shinsengumi who put their life on the line.
Preoccupied by these thoughts, he listened to the new guard with only half a ear. "Yamazaki-sempai was called away a moment ago. He received a tip-off about Joi rebels being spotted at one of the teahouses and rushed off to investigate. I was told to pass you this message as soon as you came out from the storeroom."
"What's your name?" Shougo asked as he reached for his cell phone and contacted Yamazaki directly.
" My name is — "
Shougo raised a hand, cutting the guard off as he walked a few paces away to speak to Yamazaki. It appeared the guard was a new guy under Itou-sensei; he should be trustworthy. Walking impatiently away, he tossed the key over his shoulder. "Don't let anybody go in or out from that room, no matter what they say, understood?"
Shougo didn't wait for the following 'understood' from the other before crossing the corner and disappeared.
To be continued...
***
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966