I do not own twilight or the characters.

Ho Ho Ho!

EmPOV

Over the last week, my life had been totally miserable.

1. Carlisle and Esme had had to come bail me out of jail, so they were pissed with me.

2. The whole of Forks is laughing at me because the first scene of my porn movie had mysteriously appeared all over YouTube which Edward and Jasper both claimed to know nothing about.

3. Rosalie was still furious with me, even though both Edward and Alice had told her that I did not and was never going to sleep with another woman.

4. Rosalie won't have sex with me.

5. And Esme won't let me get a puppy.

Number 5 I'm especially annoyed about. Who doesn't want a puppy? But Esme says I wouldn't feed it or wash it or clean up after it. She says I'll get bored of it after a few days and eat the poor thing.

She's probably right.

Christmas is approaching and I need a way to get back in everyone's good books. There's no point in just buying everyone expensive gifts. Alice and Edward always know what we get everyone anyway.

I sat on the big sofa in front of the television and thought. And thought. And thought.

It was almost afternoon by the time I had come up with an idea that wouldn't backfire easily. I was going to make everyone really, really happy.

I quickly blocked my mind and thought of Rose naked just encase Edward was listening in. Then I got up and ran out the front door slamming it behind me.

I arrived at the Port Angeles mall in dangerous timing that would probably have gotten any human killed. Edward and Bella were bringing Reneesme here at 2 o'clock. It was now a quarter to. That should be enough time to put my plan into action.

I followed the guy dressed as Santa into the men's bathrooms.

"Hi." I said politely. He nodded to me and turned around to do his business.

I turned the tap on full way and put my hand under it causing water to go everywhere and distracting Santa so that pee went everywhere including all over himself.

"Awww, Crap!" He yelled.

"Oh shit, man, I'm so sorry." I said innocently, while inwardly smirking and high-fiving myself.

After a few minutes, the manager came in, looking for his Santa Clause. He tried not to laugh when he saw the predicament Santa had got himself into.

But then his humoured expression turned to one of worry.

"I can fill in for him if you want." I said, nodding towards Santa who was now cursing. "I even have a spare Santa suit with me!" I patted my backpack.

The manager looked relieved and agreed only too eagerly. I figured if something had happened with Santa, he was second in line to take his place.

The manager led me out into the little grotto they had set up for the kids to come see 'Santa'. I sat in the huge throne-like chair and awaited the first kid.

Everything went smoothly for a while, and then it was Reneesme's turn.

The little cross between Edward and Bella climbed up on to my knee and started telling me what she wanted for Christmas.

"Hey Reneesme," I chuckled quietly. "Guess who?"

She looked shocked, and then asked, "Uncle Em?"

Things went downhill from then.

"You're not Santa!" She screamed at me and started pounding me with her little fists, which actually hurt a little considering her vamp strength.

"Oh come on, Nessie! You don't actually believe that Santa is real, do you?" I yelled over my squeals.

Bella and Edward were whispering to me to shut up so quietly that nobody else could hear and shooting daggers at me with their glares.

"It's obviously just your parents leaving you presents! Like seriously Nessie, a fat guy coming down a chimney? Who'd believe that?" I continued.

Oh crap. I'd really put my foot in it. There were tears in Reneesme's eyes as she ran to Bella and Edward. All the other kids in the line had also heard and were sobbing in their parents arms.

Needless to say, that job didn't work out either.

Now Bella, Edward and Reneesme were also mad at me.

Well, I'd definitely screwed up again.

Non-backfiring plan, my ass!