1The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer

4.

I decided to fly to Dallas. Normally I would have drove, or even gone on foot, but the three days Victoria had ahead of me was a concern. Green River Ranch, I learned, was outside of Corpus Christi about three hundred miles from the airport. I found a flight that arrived at eight o'clock in the evening which would allow me plenty of time to make the journey before the sun came up. Unfortunately, Texas was not the most convenient place for a vampire to travel in the day time.

I hunted the morning before my flight. I cared little about my thirst but I would not want to be in a airplane full of people when I was of questionable sanity and thirsty to top it off. I was wearing a pair of jeans and a grey long sleeved shirt. I brought a passport, my wallet, a pair of sunglasses and nothing else. I stopped at a stand in the airport and bought a new cell phone. I had not yet replaced the one I crushed my last day in Forks and I knew it was irresponsible of me to leave my family with no way to reach me.

I dialed the familiar numbers and the feeling of guilt spread through me as I waited for him to answer.

"Hello?"

"Carlisle, it's Edward," I answered hesitantly, wary of his response.

"Son. It is wonderful to hear your voice. Is everything alright? Are you well?"

I had not realized I was holding my breath. I let out my sigh of relief. Silly of me to think he would react with anything other than joy. His love for me overshadowing all other emotion.

"I'm fine. I just wanted to check in. Let you know I was alright and make sure everyone there was doing well."

"Don't worry about us Edward." His tone was disapproving. "You know we miss you but we understand that you need your time to grieve."

Grieve. That was an interesting way to put it. Probably the most accurate explanation.

"I realize I am proving to be a particularly selfish son, Carlisle. I assure you that I love and miss my family. It's just ..."

"Not another word. No one thinks ill of you."

I was sure that wasn't true, as Rosalie had made her opinion quite clear before I left.

"Thank you."

"Do you mind if I ask where you are going?"

Strange that he would have to ask.

"Alice isn't keeping you posted on my every move?"

"No, she is respecting your privacy. She will only tell us that you are well and not to worry."

I was comforted to know that Alice was keeping my family some what updated without revealing any details. She, however, undoubtedly knew exactly what I had been doing and was about to do. I wondered what her opinion was of my little expedition.

"Kate did call. She was very worried about you, but she also held her tongue when I asked where you were headed."

"I'm ... making my way south. I don't really know where I'll end up. I promise to call more often."

I didn't know if this was a promise I would keep but I would certainly make more of an effort.

"Please do. Esme will enjoy that very much. Be safe Edward."

"Bye."

As I ended the conversation a sudden uncertainty plagued me. When would I see my family again?

I had decided to fly first class. Not that I cared about being waited on, but the idea of being crammed so closely to anyone in coach made the decision for me. The stewardess approached me. She had short blonde hair and deep green eyes. She smiled widely at me revealing a perfect set of white teeth.

"Is there anything I can get for you sir?"

When I turned to answer her she flinched. Seeing my face in her thoughts I could see why. No color, no life, nothing. I was truly the walking dead, a zombie. Her mind was very kind and she immediately worried that I was ill. That gave me exactly the pretense I needed.

"Actually I'm not feeling very well," I replied. I used the softest most calming voice I could manage. "I would like to sleep and I would appreciate if you could make sure that I am not disturbed." I slipped her a tip and smiled at her half heartedly.

"No problem sir. You will not be disturbed."

She did return after a few moments with a pillow and a blanket. Completely unnecessary, but still I could hear nothing but concern in her thoughts so I thanked her and took the props. I set the pillow behind my head, covered myself with the scratchy dark blue blanket, reclined my chair and closed my eyes.

If only I could actually go to sleep. Maybe I could have a few moments of happiness, in a dream world where I was human and Bella and I were meant to be together. Even if I could not dream, if only I could think of nothing, for just a few moments. If there could be an hour, a minute even, that I did not think of her. Maybe I could find some relief. I had thought that I might be distracted in this quest of tracking down Victoria.

... my kind is easily distracted ...

My mind, my constant enemy, went straight to the heart of my pain. The one memory I fought against daily. The last time I saw her. I had gone to her house after school and we walked out on to the path in the woods nearby. She had known something was wrong. I had spent three days barely looking at her or speaking to her and I refused to stay at her house in the evenings.

* * * *

"Okay, let's talk," she said. Her face was almost eager with the anticipation of this conversation. I was dying to know what she was thinking in that moment, but I would not allow myself to ask.

I took a deep breath. It was time to read the lines I had prepared for myself. Better to think of it as a script I had to deliver, than to think of the meaning behind them.

"Bella, we're leaving."

"Why now? Another year—"

Her answer was so calm, would she really be ok with me leaving in a year? Maybe I could wait a year? No.

"Bella it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless."

The look on her face changed so quickly I hardly had time to decipher her strange expression. Then I realized, she had assumed she would be leaving with me, only now did she see that was not what I meant.

"When you say we—," her voice was only a whisper as the reality settled in.

"I mean my family and myself."

"Okay, I'll come with you."

I had been prepared for this response, my answer was automatic.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going...It's not the right place for you."

"Where you are is the right place for me."

Always so sure. So sure that we belonged together. So sure of her love for me.

"I'm no good for you, Bella."

"Don't be ridiculous. You're the very best part of my life."

And you are the very best part of mine, the only part of mine that matters.

Maybe this is not the right thing for her, maybe I could keep her safe? No.

"My world is not for you."

"What happened with Jasper—that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!"

I could hear her heart starting to pound, her breathing sped and angry tears started to form behind her eyes. But I could not cave, I could not stop. If she truly hated me then maybe this would be easier for her.

"You're right. It was exactly what was to be expected," I snapped back.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay—"

"As long as that was best for you."

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" The angry words came pouring out of her now. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you—it's yours already!"

In my century of life I had never felt the pain I felt in this moment. The burning agony of transformation was nothing compared to the torture of the look on her face. I looked at the ground, knowing that my expression would surely give me away if I continued to look into her beautiful heart broken eyes.

There is no other way. If you love her you will do this. Play the part. Read the lines.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me."

The fire of this lie burned in my throat and on my tongue. The sickness of it spreading through my frozen body made me feel disgusted with myself.

"You...don't...want me?"

Of course I do. Is there anything else?

Her face continued to contort into a jumble of pain and sadness that I could not bear. How long would this have to go on? How many hours would I have to lie to make her believe this blasphemy? I don't think I can take it. I won't be able to do it. The urge to take every word of it back and convince her to forgive me was an overwhelming force.

"No." I answered quickly. It was all I could manage.

Her already pale skin lost all signs of life. Her lips were drained of color. She looked as if she might faint, and I fought the urge to comfort her with every ounce of restraint I owned. But worst of all, her eyes, my only window into her thoughts, glassed over in a way I could not understand.

"Well, that changes things," she said calmly and quietly.

What? What just happened?

That was it? That was all it took? I saw it on her face, she honestly believed that I didn't want her anymore.

My first response was fury. I had the sudden urge to shout, What are you thinking!?

But shouldn't I be relieved? That even when I was breaking her heart, she managed to grant me this gift. That I could walk away from this sickening scene more quickly than I ever imagined was possible.

Ah, but that was why I was so angry. Not entirely because she was so quick to doubt my love for her, but because I was depending on a painfully long interaction. Her acceptance robbed me of what little time I had left with her.

* * * *

"Attention passengers ..."

Mercifully, as if God himself had taken pity on me, I was torn out of my memory by the sound of the captain's voice on the intercom. We were beginning our descent and it was time for me to awake.