1
The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer
6.
I had never gone more than three weeks without hunting. Three weeks was extremely uncomfortable. There was little hope that I would have been able to control myself had a human come near me in that state.
For six weeks I had refused to move myself from this din. I thought of the time very little. My mind marked the passing days only by the light that made its way in through cracks. Every day it ebbed and flowed on its endless routine.
After three weeks had passed I considered the need to hunt, but I worried that I might accidentally stumble across a human scent and I thought better of leaving my new home. Weeks four and five passed a little more slowly and I became aware of some mental incapacitation.
At first it became harder for me to concentrate on my daily chore of running through every memory I had of Bella. I replayed every look, every word spoken and every smile. In the beginning this was extremely painful, but here in this world of isolation it didn't seem so bad. The problem was, as I continued to drive myself mad with thirst, I started to remember things that did not actually happen. Things that I only fantasized about.
I also began to see things right before my eyes that were not there. Small animals running through the space seemingly beckoned me to drink from them. I knew they were figments only because they had no accompanying scent.
Six weeks. Six weeks in this solitary confinement, and I feared that I may never be able to find the will to leave. I had spent so long in the silence that the world seemed to disappear. Then, I heard a noise coming closer and realized I was no longer alone in the darkness. A sad day it would be for whatever creature had found me. A small part of my mind mourned for the seventy years I spent resisting human blood. If it was a human who found me, it was to be their final moment. I crouched into the corner, preparing to spring. The venom flowed freely, I let out an immense growl and inhaled deeply through my nose. I collapsed against the wall, nearly taking it down with me. It was not possible. She could not have found me here. But I knew the scent more intimately than other in the world ... freesia.
She stood staring at me with wide, penetrating, eyes. I could not look away, or blink, or do anything that would obstruct my view of the angel. Although I wanted nothing more than for this to be real, for her to be standing here before me, I knew she was not. She was beautiful, as always. Her mahogany hair was waving down to the middle of her back and her pale skin was accented by the moonlight that seeped in through the beams. She was wearing a dark blue slip, very short, with thin straps and high heeled shoes. This was the way I had imagined her, when I would allow myself to think of her that way. This is why I was sure I was hallucinating, because I had never actually seen Bella dressed this way. The shoes alone would have left her completely incapacitated.
The angel laughed. She looked at me with a glorious smile and spoke.
"The outfit is a bit much Edward. I probably would have been a little more practical," she said and continued to laugh.
That was a twist. Her being able to hear my thoughts.
Of course she can hear your thoughts, she is not real, she is a figment of your imagination!
She was an extremely detailed figment who appeared to be standing right in front of me and whom I could actually smell ... but all the same. She was not real.
She was shaking her head at me now.
"Edward, what are you doing in this place? Do you realize how upsetting it is for me to find you this way?"
Her voice was a sweet caress. She walked closer to where I was still leaning against the shed wall. I could feel the warmth coming off of her skin. I forced myself to close my eyes.
I must truly be insane, if such a thing is possible, a clinically insane vampire.
Again she laughed at my thoughts. It was a musical sound. If I was a mad man I did not care. If being sane meant that she would be gone, I wanted nothing of it. When I opened my eyes I found her sitting next to me, staring. She smiled and it was enough to make my entire body come to life.
"I'll ask you again. What are you doing here? Would you really rather be here than with me?" Her voice became pleading, the sound of her pain was almost unbearable. "I'll be the first to admit that Forks takes some getting used to, but really Edward ..."
I laughed. "Bella, I can't go back. I promised you I never would. I do not plan on breaking my word, no matter how painful it is for me."
"Don't you miss me at all?" The tone of her voice was closer now to desperation.
I laughed again. This time it was louder and slightly hysterical. "Miss you? Silly girl, if you think that the term 'miss you' comes even close to how I feel. My life is meaningless without you."
She smiled at this. "Then it is time for you come back to me. Promise or not, I don't care. Go back and claim me. Go now."
"No. I won't." I could not even entertain the thought. My resolve was crumbling all around me but I knew I could not.
She drew her lips into an attractive pout and made her eyes adorably sad. Then to my utter shock this figment, this hallucination, laid her hand on my face and said, "Please."
From all my years of study I knew much of the human mind. I knew it was powerful enough to make people believe things were there that were not, forceful enough to blur the line between fantasy and reality. Obviously, there were no books written on the mental health of vampires, but I was quickly learning how strong my mind truly was. Because, for me, in this moment she was there ... to see, and smell and touch.
"Can we not just stay here together, my love?" I asked her, knowing I'd rather turn to dust then have her leave me now.
"Your mind is becoming weaker with every passing day that you do not feed. I don't know how long you'll be able to keep me here."
"For as long as you are here then, I wish only to hear your voice. Tell me something. Anything."
"There is nothing I can say that you do not already know." A smile pulled at the corner of her mouth and she looked, deviously, at me. "However, I do have a question. You say you only wish to hear my voice? Is that really the only thing you want?"
She moved on to her knees, and then placed one leg on either side of me straddling my lap. Her face only inches from mine was serious. I could feel her breath and the warmth of her skin. I imagined myself pulling her body into me, entwining my fingers in her hair and crushing her lips with mine. To be able to feel her in my arms one last time. Instead, I put my hands flat on the ground, not allowing myself to touch her and closed my eyes.
"You are not real," I snarled at her. "What would you have me do? Here in this place, a lunatic alone with his delusions."
I took in a deep breath of her euphoric scent before I continued. "This is a fantasy that I had many times, you come to me in this dress, these shoes even, and you ask me ..."
"What? What do I ask you?" She demanded.
"It doesn't matter."
"Then tell me this," her eyes were sharp, almost cold. "Why don't you just kill me?"
"What!?" I could not even attempt to hide my shock.
"You want my blood more than anything. If you won't be with me then why deny yourself?"
"I love you more than I want your blood. I would never hurt you that way. It's why I left."
"What good is your love if I don't believe it's real? You convinced me you don't love me, and I know nothing else."
My heart was shattered. It was true. If she truly believed that I did not love her then what did it matter? To go on loving her my entire existence without her knowing or feeling it.
"If you will not go back, at least enjoy what you have of me here." She grabbed my hands and placed them on her thighs, running them up over the silky material on her waist.
"Or, if you will not ... " She then slipped the strap of her dress off her left shoulder, pulled her hair back, and arched her neck offering me her throat.
"Please, stop this Bella."
"What's tempting you more, my blood or my body?"
I was thrown by the familiar question. These were the exact words she had spoken the last night I allowed myself to stay with her. I gave my same response.
"It's a tie."
"Don't lie to me this time. Tell me which one."
I didn't answer her.
"I already know the answer of course, but I want to hear you say it. That night in my room, alone with me. You always knew I was willing to give you whatever you wanted, whatever part of me you wanted. So, tell me now what you wanted more in that moment."
Silence.
"Tell me!"
"Your blood! Are you happy?" It was a mixture of disgust and relief to finally admit this, not just to her, but to myself.
"For all the times I had fantasized about you coming to my room in this dress, for as much as I knew that night that you would have given yourself to me ... In my house when your blood was spilt it was ... agonizing. I could think of nothing but the taste of it."
"Tell me," she said. Her eyes wild with curiosity.
"What?"
"Tell me about the taste. When you saved me from James. Tell me about it."
"I don't want to think about that."
"But you do think about it. It haunts you. Tell me."
"I already told you. It was better than I imagined. More powerful than any blood I had ever tasted. It was pure pleasure. The warmth coursing through my body, your life inside of me. Everywhere. Even when I knew the venom was gone I did not stop. It was torture to stop."
My breath was coming fast. The power of the memory embellished by my thirst.
"But then I looked down at you. Your face was so peaceful, so loving. Even in that moment, when I was crossing the line between saving you and killing you, I saw all of the love in your eyes... and I knew."
She continued to stare at me, anxious for me to continue. "What did you know?"
"I knew that I loved you more than my own life, more than I would ever be able to put into words. The pleasure of that feeling was even greater than the taste of your blood."
Suddenly I felt my memories fall into place. I had become myself again. I looked at her and I was no longer ashamed. "I love you, and it is complete and all consuming. There is nothing without you. That is why I left. Not because I didn't trust myself with you, only because I would not be able to bear it if harm came to you from any connection with me.
"I knew it when James had nearly killed you, but I did not have the will to do what was right. When Jasper tried to attack you it only served as a reminder of what I already knew. That you were better off without me."
She closed her eyes, and tears spilled on to her cheeks. I would have cried as well, if it were possible. When she finally spoke her voice was deep with emotion. "You never did tell me. In your fantasy, when I come to your room, what do I ask you?"
"You ask me ..." It felt impossible to say the words out loud. "You ask me to stay with you ... forever."
"And what do you say?"
"I say, 'Forever'"
Her face, stained with tears, was the most beautiful thing I had seen in months. I fought to memorize every detail. I could feel her slipping away.
She leaned her phantom body in to me, and before her lips met mine she whispered, "Edward, please."
Then, just as quickly as she had appeared, she was gone.