1The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer

7.

I knew I needed to move. To go somewhere, do something, but it was impossible to think. My mind was clouded with her scent and my thirst was excruciating. I could not just walk out the door without a plan. The part of my mind that was still me did not want to hurt anyone, but the monster would not wait any longer. I needed help and there was only one person to ask.

I stared at the phone, concentrating very hard on dialing the numbers. It was difficult to even remember who I was calling and why.

How did I let myself get like this?

When she answered it was enough to snap me out of my haze for a moment. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples a little. My vision seemed off and it was causing a numb ache in my head.

"Alice, I need you to tell me which way to go when I walk out."

I didn't give any more explanation than that. She knew exactly why I was calling.

"It's late and the only humans around are five miles east of where you are, in the main house. Everyone is asleep. If you go about a mile southeast you will run into the cattle. You'll be able to feed long before any other scent reaches you."

I didn't answer right away. My brain was in overdrive trying to determine which way was southeast, something I never would have thought about in past.

"Edward, I need you to know. The bet with Emmett ..."

She had misunderstood my silence. I tried to find the words that would put her at ease. How infuriating it was to have to think about everything so intently.

"It's OK Alice, I'm not angry with you."

"Just listen to me. Your absence has been extremely hard on Emmett. He just kind of mopes around, and then Rosalie keeps hissing at him to snap at of it. Jasper and I were just trying to cheer him up." She let out an exasperated sigh. "I had no idea he would call you like that. I don't want you to think I take any of this lightly."

"I know you don't Alice," I answered, unsure of how to continue.

Best to tell her the truth, I could not imagine how much concentration and will it would take to lie in my current state.

"I'm just ... I'm just so lost."

"We should go back Edward. This is all so unnecessary. Bella wants to be one of us, and then you could be with her forever. It is the answer to all your concerns. You wouldn't have to worry about her getting hurt, by you or by anyone."

This was all very clear to me. Why I could not be with Bella. I had been telling this to myself every day for three months. It was a relief for the words to come naturally.

"I don't want this life for her. I want her to be able to be with her family, have a family of her own one day. Look at Rosalie. If she could be human she would give up everything, including Emmett. I would never want to look into Bella's eyes and see that kind of regret."

I knew that Alice truly believed what she had said. That she wanted Bella and I to be able to be together and be happy. It was the best possible life I could hope for myself, but not for her. That was why it was impossible.

She sounded defeated as she spoke. "Like I said, southeast for about a mile. You'll be fine, you won't hurt anyone."

"Thank you"

"Oh, before I forget, I was thinking. Green River Ranch. Maybe it's not a ranch at all. Maybe it's just the name of something."

"Maybe." It made sense, even in my stupor. I should exhaust all options. "So, you agree I should try to track Victoria?"

"Not agree so much as I know it gave you purpose. I know it made you feel like you were protecting her again. You need a reason right now. A reason not to lock yourself in a shed for six weeks. I think its as good a reason as any.

"But if you find her, don't try to take her alone. Just call us and we'll be there. We'll finish it together."

I had the information I needed. I should have ended the conversation. But my will power was lost and I could not stop myself from speaking every thought.

"Can I ask you something else? Your visions, have you seen her anymore?"

"In the beginning it was more often. Just flashes of her at school or cooking dinner."

Her voice was low and almost sad. As if admitting this to me was painful for her, or perhaps the visions themselves had been painful?

"And, how did she look?"

She hesitated before answering, as if she was carefully deciding what to say.

"Fine."

I knew Alice well enough to know she was lying. She was right not to tell me. I should not even have asked such a question. It would not change anything.

"But I see her less now. I'm not as in tune with her as I was. I'm hoping that if I can get the visions to stop ..."

"That I'll come back?"

"Yes."

"I don't know Alice. It's just too hard to pretend. If I was around all of you I would have to pretend. I don't think I can do that right now."

"Go and hunt Edward, and when you find Victoria you call me. Promise?"

"Promise."

I walked to the shed door and opened it slowly. I did not breathe. I faced southeast and started walking, no faster than a human pace. When I could hear and see the herd my movements were instantaneous. I did not so much as think of striking and my teeth were already sinking into the animals flesh. The hot blood soothed my throat, and my mind started to clear of the numbness. I did not hurry. Alice had said everyone was asleep, I was in no danger of being seen, and I needed to be absolutely sure that my thirst had been satisfied before I moved on.

When I was certain I could drink no more I laid in the grass and looked at the night sky, at the stars, at the moon. A crescent moon. A fraction of itself. Only the smallest part visible, and the greater part of the whole missing.

No, not missing, just hidden. Unseen.