1The Twilight Saga and its characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer

8.

In the early morning, before the sunrise, the silence was stirred by the mental voices of those inside the house. The words were a mingling of Spanish and English. Thoughts of breakfast and chores, plans for the day.

I had decided to pursue Alice's theory, but if I was going to find another Green River Ranch I needed to ask someone for help. I approached the house cautiously, in hopes of not alarming anyone inside. However, before I even made it to the door, a man came out. He was short and stalky, with a dark complexion. His skin appeared more like leather than skin, evidence of working long days in the sun. He gave me an uneasy look and his thoughts drifted to the idea of grabbing his shotgun.

"You lost amigo?" His voice carried a thick accent, and his obvious discomfort with my presence was evident in his tone.

"Yes, sir. I'm afraid I am." I smiled, silently laughing at my absurd situation. "I was trying to find an old acquaintance of mine. I was told I could find her at Green River Ranch, but now I'm sure I must have misunderstood."

"Well, there is a Green River Ranch Road, but there's nothing there. No houses, nada. It just leads you south into the Mexican border."

As he spoke an older woman appeared in the doorway behind him. She had the same dark skin and eyes, and her hair was entirely grey. Her hands were gripping the door and she looked at me with what could only be described as terror.

Dios Mio ... vampiro

Her thoughts alerted me to what I already assumed. She knew what I was.

"Thank you sir for your help. Again I apologize for intruding on you."

As I excused myself my eyes met briefly with the old woman's face which was going white with fear. I turned and walked quickly, ever cautious of my pace, off the property and on to the road. I did not allow myself to turn and look back at the pair. I could hear that they were still standing on the porch watching me. As soon as I knew I was out of their sight, I took off.

I stopped when I reached a gas station and purchased a map. By this time the sun was ready to break through the morning haze. I found a large oak tree with plenty of shade, far away from the road. It was impossible to erase the image of the woman's face from my mind. The fear in her eyes, was horribly familiar. It was the same way Bella looked at Jasper the night of her birthday. Seeing him, perhaps for the first time, for what he really was.

I knew it was necessary, before I left my family, to tell Jasper the truth about my decision to leave Forks. The truth about what happened that night. I had followed him into the living room. I could see the discomfort in his face, and hear it in his thoughts.

* * * * *

"Jasper, I know it's very difficult for you to be near me right now, but there is something that I need you to know."

I sat as far away from him as the room would allow. There was no concern that he would not be able to hear me, and I wanted to make this easier ... if that was possible.

"The night of the birthday party, after Emmett and Rose took you outside, I was horrified. I couldn't believe how quickly the scene had changed. Everything had been so perfect. Of course Alice had gone overboard, but still Bella seemed happy. Then just a paper cut and ..."

He flinched at the unwelcome memory.

"Anyways, I carried Bella to the table so Carlisle could look at her arm. I didn't breath of course, and I tried very hard not to look at the injury. My mind was cloudy and my thoughts were erratic. Mostly I thought of her, how scared she must have been, but then I thought about the wasted blood on the floor, more of it now on the table. The perfection of it just sitting there. The memory of the taste tormenting me.

"Carlisle saw my black, conflicted eyes and he urged me to go outside. Bella did the same, more out of concern for my discomfort, which was even more infuriating. I did not move. I could do this small thing, couldn't I? A man would be able to stand there and hold her hand while she was getting stitched up, I should be able to do that for her. I knew it was prideful, but I was determined to stay.

"When Alice came into the room things happened very fast. I was losing my concentration, denying so many instincts takes extreme focus and mine was slipping. I was going to speak to Bella, say something comforting perhaps, I can't really recall. But, before I spoke I unconsciously took a breath. Flames ripped through my throat. Alice calmly encouraged me to go look for you, but her mental voice was full of panic.

"Then I saw her vision. The scene laid out just as it was, all of us around the table. Bella turned to me and smiled. I leaned in as if to kiss her and ..."

As I struggled to maintain my composure, I felt Jasper's wasted attempt to calm me. After a few short moments I continued.

"To Bella and Carlisle nothing had changed, the exchange between Alice and I had lasted less than a minute. But it was long enough to shatter my entire world. I excused myself as if their urging had finally convinced me to go to you. Once I made it outside I was enraged, and yes Jasper, I was angry with you. I blamed you. I cursed you. But I knew it was not you that I hated.

"Alice never told you, did she? About her vision that night? I knew she would not, but she should have. You had the right to know that you are not the monster, you are not the villain in this story. I am. I had considered killing her. You and I both know that Alice would not have seen it otherwise.

"Alice tried to convince me that I never would have done it, but it was too late. I had already seen the truth. With the acceptance, came a certain calm. I was finally able to go back inside. I asked Alice to get Bella some new clothes, and I offered to take her home. All the while I did not look at her, not really. I knew in that moment that our time together was ending.

"Can you believe that in the car she apologized to me? That if she had been more careful none of this would have happened? You can not even begin to imagine the way it made me feel. The disgust I felt for myself in her presence. She was too good for me. Too good for this life. I felt less and less worthy of her with every passing minute.

"I'm sorry that I went this long without telling you. It was cruel to let you shoulder so much guilt."

"Edward, " he replied. "I appreciate you confiding in me. I know how hard it is for you to relive these memories. Still, I played a role in this tragedy. Even you have forgiven me, I have not. I feel all of your pain Edward. All of it. The sadness, the emptiness, the longing. It will not go away. Do you understand that?"

"Yes."

The simple response seemed to baffle him. "You believe that you will be able to endure this for the rest of your existence? That you will never return to her, never find relief?"

"Yes."

Again he seemed confused, maybe even exasperated. "Now there is something that I must tell you. It will be painful for you, but you should know. Whenever I was around Bella, I too had to concentrate very hard. You are well aware that my tolerance is not the same as the rest of our family. Her scent was always a temptation, but as time passed I began to feel a comfort around her.

"That night, my initial reading of her was nervousness. We all knew she would be embarrassed by so much attention and indeed she was. But, what I believe was my undoing, was the overwhelming amount of love I felt from her. The sheer happiness in your presence. The warmth and sense of family she felt with all of us. She glowed with emotion. It was an incredible feeling. I allowed myself to bask in it. I let my guard down, broke my concentration.

"But now I am plagued by the thought of her happiness. Where is it now? Did she lose all of that life when we left? How can you be so sure this is right for her? No one believes it except for you."

I was drowning in his words. I could barely respond, but I knew what I needed to say.

"If you felt all of that, then surely you knew how much I loved her. How much I love her still. I will not endanger her. I have accepted that my leaving caused her pain, but she is human Jasper. She will move on, forget me, fall in love. She will find happiness again. She will.

"Thank you for talking with me."

I moved to leave, but Jasper stopped me.

There it was again. That same look of exasperation, as if I had failed to see something he felt was of great importance. "Edward, perhaps she will find happiness someday. But what of your happiness? Will you ever find it without her?"

That was easy enough to answer. A simple truth.

"No."

* * * * *