Ŧ Ella.

Today is the two month mark. I thought that I could describe all of my experiences here in one word, but I can't. The people I work with are amazing, and listen to me very well. At first they all had a little hard time about taking orders from me, but Bill had a word with them and all of my teams are working perfectly in sync with one another. Not wanting to piss me or Bill off. Everything has just been mind blowing.

I got up this morning and walked out in my pjs, not caring if anyone sees me. They've seen my pjs lot of times. Naturally, I get up earlier than everyone else so I walk into an empty room. I sighed and went to get something to eat, but now I have a sudden longing for my bunk, so I think I'm going to go back. I walked back quickly, since the bus was now in motion and we were rocking back and forth.

I sat on my bunk and then laid back down again, pulling the curtain over so that no light would get in. It's too early. Wow, it's like seven and I just now realize it's early? I sighed and tried to go back to sleep. Dreaming, sleeping, same thing. There was a loud pacing noise and I opened one of my eyes. Okay, besides Gustav and the bus driver, who on earth is up this early? I sighed and got up, wrapping my cold sheets around my shoulders and I just sat there and curled up into a ball. I knew everyone else was in their bunks, since all of their curtains were closed.

I stayed perfectly still and I listened for anymore noises that might tell me who the hell is up. I don't really know what I'm gonna do after I find out who it is, but all I know is I'm sure as hell going to find out! I listened, hearing the engine and the tire of the bus as we hit some bumps and went too far out of the lane. You know how it makes those bumpy sounds? I rubbed my eyes and I blinked a little more, there's still a little sleep in my eyes.

I listened a little more, and I finally heard something.

"Stop it! What is wrong with you?" The voice yelled in a whisper, and then I heard like somebody slapped them or hit themselves vigoriously in the forehead, or what I thought was in the forehead. He was up out in the lounging area, and I heard some dishes clink in the sink quickly before I heard the patter of footsteps.

"Ugh . . . Dammit." I heard him still as he passed the bunks, not wanting to wake anyone else up besides me. I sighed and slid over to the edge of the bed, waiting for whoever was going to knock on my bunk.

I heard a quiet knocking and I stilled for a second in mid motion. Hmmmm . . . I can't get back to sleep, and nothing else is happening, so, why not take a peek? My sheets slid on the bunk as I got up and I held them tight with my painted nails as I moved the curtain over to find Tom, standing there in front of me in his pajama pants eagerly rubbing his hands together. I stood up and walked over to the bathroom and stood in front of the door, I had more space where I could move around.

"Tom what the hell are you doing? Bill and the others are gonna wake up soon-"

I didn't even get to finish my sentence, I was stopped by Tom, who had backed me into the door frame and kissed me. His hands caught my face and he held it softly. He broke the random kiss after a few seconds, releasing his hands from my face and he looked down at me.

I paused, registered what had happened and instantly smacked him across the face, causing him to groan. Reflex. It's not my fault that the kiss was so random, it's like when someone grabs you from behind, you have that feeling that you need to fight back. Well, I was grabbed, not from behind, and kissed and at first I didn't know what was happening, so that explains why I slapped him. Yeah, I think that's a good reason. Or, it could be it was just an accident. It didn't even register in my mind that I actually hit him until he yelled. Then I went crazy.

"Ow, what the hell was that for?" He yelled, holding his cheek and looking at me with soft eyes.

"You kissed me!" I said wrapping the sheets around my arms and putting my hands on my hips.

"And?" Tom asked, rubbing his cheek.

"Dont!" I hissed, not wanting to wake anybody else up and having them see this scene.

"Why?"

"Cause."

"That didn't answer the question."

"Just don't do it."

Tom blinked in confusion at me, and I turned and looked over his shoulder to make sure nobody else was up.

"Sorry, I don't know what I'm doing." Tom finally admitted, looking down at the floor and then back at me, obviously embarrassed. Ugh! I so don't need this right now. Alex is going to get on my case and not to mention Bill! I can just imagine now what he'd say if he finds out, or what the others will say.

"Obviously. But you can't do what you were just trying to do." I shot back quietly and he looked up at me quickly.

"Why? I mean, we kissed before and you didn't seem to mind that. Is it 'cause we work together?" Tom raised his voice in annoyance as he moved closer to me. I could tell he was angry and now I know that he's definately used to getting what he wants. It's just . . . until I know that James is actually cheating on me, then we can't be together. He's off limits.

"No. I mean, well . . . that's part of it . . . " I started to try and explain my problem to him and the sheet dropped to the floor as I moved my arms out in front of me.

"Okay. So, you don't like that kind of thing?" Tom backed away and I touched his arm and shook my head, not wanting him to leave.

"No, no. Its not that."

"You just said that was part of it." Tom raised an eyebrow at me and I sighed.

"Well, yeah but I dont have a problem with it, its just . . . "

"What the hell are you talking about? Your confusing me. Damn hangover." Tom rubbed the back of his head and shrugged his shoulders and I crossed my arms over my blue tank top. I slept in pjs, they were just blue pj pants and a tank top. I get hot sometimes when I sleep and I toss and turn a lot too. Wearing that is the coolest, especially in this cramped compact bus.

"I'm sorry. You just have to understand that we . . . well, we cant."

"Jesus Ells . . . I can't help anything . . . It's wierd . . . I've never ever, ugh . . . never before and I just . . . I dunno . . . and I can't . . . . . . . . God! Fuck this hangover and all alcohol!" He admitted as he brought his hands up to cover his face in embarrasment.

"Don't say that." I said leaning forwards towards him.

"Believe me I don't get it at all. Your all I think about, your the only person I want to spend my time with . . . That's the only explanation, right?"

"Tom stop." I said putting a hand up to try and signal that I wanted him to just stop talking.

"Dammit! Ella why are doing this to me?" Tom grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me a little, almost trying to shake the answers out of me and I felt my hair go back and forth as I felt a little wind when he shook me.

"Cause . . . cause I feel the same way . . . Kinda . . . " I answered lowly.

"The why don-"

"Cause you'll get hurt. Look, your like one of the only real friends I have. I feel like I could tell you anything. And I like you, just trust me . . . but you'll get hurt if your with me." More like I'm afraid that I'll get hurt, I'm not all that worried about him.

"Wha-?" He was struggling with his words and I sighed leaning my head against the doorframe.

"Tom, the media would be all over this, us, you guys, the band. Besides, Alex told me that I would get fired if I didn't keep this professional. Remember? That's the thing, I don't want to get fired Tom, I really like this job and I want to stay here, with you guys." I don't know what to do and I have no idea what to say to him.

"And what would James say if he found out about it? He'd flip out on me!" I whispered.

This is so confusing, I want to be with him, but the problem is, we can't. He sighed and walked away, not saying a word to me and then he turned around in the middle of the bus and sighed loud and angerly.

"I get it. Just, forget I even said anything." I wish I could, but the thing is, I just can't.

I don't think I ever will.