I made my own deadline, although I AM cutting it really short, it's like ten minutes to midnight here! =D
So, this is the last chapter of this story, so I hope you'll enjoy it!
Squall jumped in surprise when his phone rang, partly because he'd been so wrapped up in thought, but mostly because he had believed it was broken after finding it sprawled indignantly on the floor under a toppled bookcase.
"Yeah?"
"Squall", Seifer's voice was fading in and out, static crushing his vowels. "We're through the hole and are just extracting the survivors and moving on to Zell. I mean, the two conscious survivors."
Seifer coughed and Squall took those few seconds to get himself under control.
"How are they?"
"Well, they appear to be having quite a good time, since we heard singing when we came in. I'm guessing they're high on the fumes."
Squall swallowed, palms suddenly clammy.
"And Zell?"
"I don't know yet, they're getting him now. They have to move him slowly, I have been told they're suspecting a lot of internal injuries that they don't want to make worse. Wait, they're coming out, hang on!"
Squall listened with growing anxiety to Seifer's heavy footfalls in the sand, faint voices talking fast in the background, Seifer farther away asking someone to let him through and then…
"Holy shit!"
Seifer was holding the phone away from him, but Squall was listening to intently he would have heard a pin drop.
"Get him to the infirmary now. If you got any Cures on you, cast them now. Move, damn it!"
Some more cracking silence, in where Squall could hear two people whispering to each other and then Seifer was back on the line.
"He's… Fuck, Squall, he's not looking good. They say he's still breathing on his own and I guess that's something, but…"
"I'll go meet them at the Infirmary. Good job, Seifer."
He hung up to what he knew would be baffled silence and hurried down the stairs, only registering in passing the vast amount he had to descend.
The Infirmary was filled with people; bloody people. Dr Kadowaki included, the front of her white lab coat smeared with it. She was issuing orders left and right to a small army of volunteers, casting spells, giving shots and rolling on bandages.
Squall approached her cautiously, aware of the gigantic syringe she was wielding like a prize and still a little embarrassed after his visit on Halloween some years ago.
"Doctor, how-"
"I'm saving the spells for those critically injured, since you know we're running low on Life and Curaga, minor injures will have to make due with band-aids and painkillers."
"Yeah, whatever, that's good. Where's Zell?"
She stopped momentarily, standing eerily still as she eyed him closely, before nodding at the door behind him. "I needed more space, so I put the critical in another room. I was just heading over there with fresh supplies, help me carry."
She stuffed his arms full of gauze and bottles, adding on to the pile as they exited out into the hallway.
Squall looked at the chaos they left behind.
"How many are there?"
"I don't know", Kadowaki said, rushing ahead of him. "I haven't had time to stop and count. It feels like a hundred, but I pray to Hyne I'm exaggerating. Luckily, most just need stitches and anyone with medical training can do that. In here."
They turned into one of the conference rooms that never failed to bore Squall out of his mind, but now the tables where pushed apart, serving as temporary beds, the chairs used as tables or pushed out into the hallway.
"Put those things over there, but bring me a bottle of peroxide."
Squall winced at the mention of the chemical concoction, too many memories of feeling the stinging burn as it cleaned out wounds.
"Yes, it hurts", Kadowaki agreed, holding her hand out for the bottle. "But the bacteria hates it and the patients aren't… they can't feel it."
Kadowaki stopped in front of a table to dip a cotton swab in the iodine and started dabbing at something that took a while for Squall to recognize as human. And even longer to recognize as Zell.
"Fuck..."
His entire body felt disjointed, and he scanned Zell's body frantically, his stomach tight as he noticed every new injury until he felt like lead. How was it possible to be so ruined and yet still be alive?
He leant down by Zell's head and reached out a trembling hand to touch bloodstained skin.
"Careful. The medics had some Cures on them, but not enough to heal him up entirely. It stopped the haemorrhaging, but there's still a lot of broken bones in his body, most of them ribs." Dr Kadowaki's voice was to the point and professional as she informed him of Zell's extensive injuries, something Squall appreciated, even if he really couldn't understand a word she said. "The wound on his leg worries me, it keeps ripping open, but we're keeping it under constant supervision."
Squall nodded along, just looking at Zell's hair, stained pink from blood, his breath sounding like something being dragged through gravel.
His vision blurred and tears spilled down his cheeks, but he didn't care. Couldn't bring himself to.
"I'm so sorry, Zell", he whispered, caressing the side of Zell's neck with a knuckle, not daring anything more.
He hadn't noticed when Kadowaki left him alone, didn't register the pained cries from the Infirmary, didn't care about Cid relaying the latest information via the intercom; all his attention was on Zell.
"Squall." Seifer's voice was right next to him, making him jolt upright, staring at the tall blond as he hovered by Zell's side.
"Cid sent me. Trabia Garden is about an hour away, bringing fresh supplies and tech support. Esthar called back. Apparently Deling claims that it was an accident. They were test launching some new missiles and wasn't aware of our presence, which is ridiculous, because we called in right before and it's not like they don't have radar and shit and-"
He stopped abruptly and cleared his throat.
"Galbadia is sending a few people, too, but they're still too caught in that storm to send in G-Garden. I'm not entirely sure what they plan to do once they get here, though. Gloat, probably."
He coughed again, shifting his weight.
"No one has been able to make a definite list yet, but so far we're up in twenty-seven casualties, most of them maintenance on the lower levels."
He fell silent, staring a Squall for long seconds. "Uh, that's it."
"Thank you."
Seifer shuffled his feet, twisting a silver bracelet round and round again. "Yeah, well… no problem. How's… How bad is it? With Zell I mean?"Squall wondered why the definition was needed, since Seifer seemed to know more about the state of Garden than he did.
"He's gonna be fine."
"Of course." Seifer sounded so sure and Squall had to fight to choke back a sob.
"I… don't know if I can…. Garden needs…. Someone have to…" Fuck, he couldn't even form a full sentence! But Seifer only nodded, taking another step forward, standing closer to both of them.
"Don't worry about it, Cid's covering for you." He chuckled a little and Squall tried on a smile for size, but it took too much effort. "And General Garrett left as soon word came through from Esthar, so you can't forget about him."
"Already did."
Seifer grinned, but it faltered as he looked down at Zell.
"You look like shit, Chickie", the soft warmth in his voice startled Squall, but Seifer seemed to have forgotten he was there. "You're gonna be so pissed when you see how your tattoo looks like now. It's like a five-year-old doodled on your face. Well, not that much difference then…"
The tall blond lay a hand on Zell's chest, right over his heart, keeping it there for a moment until he hummed, satisfied and turned to leave.
Squall mimicked the action, careful to not disturb the ribs underneath, holding back a sob at the slow and irregular rhythm of Zell's heart. But at least it was beating.
ooo
Two weeks later
Irvine stole the latest of approximately three thousand glances at Selphie where she was curled up in the corner of her cow-patterned sofa. She went from looking no more than ten years old, to suddenly looking close to fifty; features alternately tensing and relaxing.
She was gnawing away at her cuticles and he really ought to stop her, but he didn't know how to bring it up.
He was leaving for Galbadia the next morning, and all his things were packed up, ready to leave, stacked by the door like a pink elephant, something they really needed to talk about but avoiding like the plague.
It had been a long month since he found out about his transfer, but the joy of seeing his hometown again was tainted with immense sorrow and regret.
He knew Selphie was upset about him leaving -he would have to be extremely stupid to not see it- but there wasn't anything he could say that would make her feel better. If it didn't sound incredibly hypocritical, it sounded downright mean, and the last thing he wanted was to rub salt in her wounds when she had so graciously avoided accusing him of anything. She hadn't begged him not to go or tried to wheedle him into staying, knowing there was nothing to be done about it.
She had been very sad, though, but he suspected it wasn't all because of him.
Zell still hadn't regained full consciousness, drifting in and out of his coma, leaving everyone feeling frustrated at the limitations of both medicine and magic alike.
Squall had almost completely secluded himself and Irvine hadn't seen or heard from the Commander in two weeks.
"Have you talked to Squall recently?" he asked slowly, wanting to break the silence that had gone on and off for the last two hours.
Apparently, breaking up wasn't just hard to do, like the song suggested, it was time-consuming as well. But he didn't want to leave without at least knowing that Selphie would be marginally alright. It was probably conceited of him, thinking he was such an important person in her life that she couldn't function properly without him, but he knew it to be at least a little bit true. Hyne, you didn't just stop loving someone over night.
"Not really", she answered, pulling her knees up against her chest. "Seifer mentioned him taking off for Esthar, but I don't know if he ever did."
"He find some kind of treatment for Zell?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Mr Loire's got a lot of doctors and scientists there, they can probably figure something out."
Selphie seemed to be momentarily distracted from her previous thoughts, she had stopped chewing on her nails, so Irvine propelled on.
"Is Zell getting any better?"
Her eyes as she turned to look at him were hard and unyielding in their accusation and Irvine knew why. Since Zell had been admitted to the hospital, Irvine had been to see him exactly once, and then only stayed for a couple of minutes.
It had felt so fundamentally wrong to stand there, not just because Irvine knew Zell as energetic and exuberant and the person in that bed had looked incapable of anything like that ever again, but also because it felt like Irvine didn't belong there anymore. That his place was no longer with this group of friends, a feeling strong enough to make him wonder if he'd ever been a part of them to begin with.
But Selphie's eyes softened and she sighed. He had explained to her how awkward everything made him feel and she had understood, at least partially.
"He seems stronger now, not as pale. It's weird, you know, he's lost a lot of muscle mass, so he looks a lot cuddlier now. And his hair has gotten longer too, he's gonna hate it when he wakes up and sees it."
It was always when, never if, but that was Selphie for you. Always trying to stay positive.
"Not to mention his tattoo", Irvine added and managed to get a weak smile out of her.
"But it's so stupid, because Dr Kadowaki says he could wake up any minute now, but he needs some kind of incentive. It's nice and painless there in the coma, yeah? So Squall would be like the perfect incentive, only he's sulking away in his office and claims he can't stand to see Zell like that. I get it, I do, and it's awful! But if you love someone, shouldn't you want to be with them?"
Her tone of voice hadn't changed, but Irvine thought he could detect some bitterness behind her green eyes, even though she refused to look at him.
"Yeah." Hyne, what else was there to say?
She stared out the window, no doubt looking, but probably not seeing the bright blue sky and the beautiful day outside.
"Seifer calls it a.. Uhm… Catch Twenty-something. He spends more time in the Infirmary than Squall does, did you know?"
It was a hypothetical question but Irvine nodded anyway, just glad she was talking. And apparently, once she started, everything she had on her mind came out. But what would he expect, after weeks of uncharacteristic silence?
"Quistis got this huge crush on Seifer, but she refuses to do something about it. She denies it fiercely if we so much as hint at it, but I've seen her looking. And it's all so stupid, because even Seifer knows she likes him, and I'm pretty sure he likes her too, it's just so ingrained in their brains that they have to get on each others nerves that they do it automatically. It's like Squall and Zell all over again!" Her face turned speculative. "Maybe Ellone can…"
"No!" Irvine actually grabbed her arm, to prevent her from making any more progress along that train of thought. "No! No more magic, no more conspiracies and no more meddling! This is what happens when you rush things!"
He gestured around, including them, Garden still being stranded in the desert, Zell being badly wounded and… just everything.
"If you guys hadn't gotten involved, we wouldn't have to deal with all this right now."
"You're blaming us for the accident?"
Selphie looked incredulous, but it was slowly twisting into anger.
"No, I'm blaming you for us!"
Ok, that he hadn't meant so say.
"What?"
She wasn't looking surprised anymore, her face completely blank and it made Irvine blanch.
"Look, that came out wrong, I didn't mean-"
"Then tell me what the hell you did mean."
"Alright, if you guys hadn't conspired to hook Zell and Squall up, they probably wouldn't have. No, wait, I know what you're thinking, and you're partially right. They were very happy together. But if they had just waited a little, or kept it a bit more private… then people wouldn't have reacted like they did, and I wouldn't have had to make a decision about us."
"Decision? But you said..?"
"I know, and believe me, it wasn't a request, they really want me back there. But if I had refused…"
He trailed off when he noticed the dawning understanding in Selphie's face. "Huh", was all she said, head nodding slowly. When it became clear she wasn't going to say anything more, Irvine sighed.
"I'm really sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
A shrill, fake laugh escaped her, before she bit down hard on her lip.
"Could you be more clichéd?"
"Selph-"
"No, don't. I get it. I really do get it. Honestly. We had a good relationship, but not everything's meant to last. I know. But… you did love me, right?"
He realized he'd never actually said it, not using those exact words, but he'd tried to make it perfectly clear in all other ways possible. Apparently, he hadn't been as successful has he'd thought. The choked up feeling in his throat refused to yield no matter how many times he swallowed, so he pulled her in for a fierce hug, kissing the top of head like he thought he could make the hurt go away.
"Yes, I love you. But we want different things. Never for a second think it was an easy decision to come to. I really needed to think about it, and I guess that's when I realized that---"
"-- we couldn't work anymore. I told you I got it."
She pursed her lips and cocked her head inquiringly in his direction.
"Seifer mentioned something… about you being happy everything went to shit between Zell and Squall. What did he mean?"
"I don't know what the hell he meant, I--", then it hit him, that maybe he did know. "Ok, there's one thing I want you to know first. I am not a homophobe." He was fairly certain she wouldn't understand what he tried to say, so he just wanted to make that clear first. "I'm really not.
"But Squall is the Commander of Balamb Garden, and Zell is his Lieutenant. They shouldn't have gotten involved in a relationship, not while Squall is in the position of authority that he is. I guess that's why people got so pissed. Not that he's gay, but that he's dating someone he's basically the boss of. Special benefits, all that."
Selphie nodded. "I see."
"No you don't", he smiled faintly. "But I'm not angry about that anymore. They did what they did, and it's no reason to go around carrying a grudge. Others will come around too, I hope."
"I hope so, too."
She still sounded so calm, although a closer examination revealed her eyes brimmed with tears.
"I don't want to cry anymore", she whispered, like it was a secret. "I think I've done enough of it already. I probably will, but I don't want to, so…"
She took a deep breath, and shrugged out from under Irvine's arm, but held on to his hand as she looked him straight in the eye and smiled faintly.
"Good luck in Galbadia and say hello to your cousin for me."
Irvine was on the verge of doing an incredibly unmanly thing, but he held it together, because Selphie didn't want to cry anymore, and it was his damn duty to prevent that.
"I will."
Her smile faltered for a second, before she forced it back. "Do me a favour, would you?"
"Anything."
"If you meet someone new, don't tell me. No, no, wait, tell me. And then never mention her again, alright?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
She smiled again, but he could see her lower lip quivering, so he scooted closer and let his fingers rake down her neck, like they'd done a million times before, something tugging in his chest.
"Look, maybe in a few months-"
"Irvine." Her voice was scolding as she glared at him. "Don't you dare patronize me and don't give me false hope. I don't want that."
She pulled away from his hand as she sat back pouting, an act so Selphie that Irvine could help but smile.
"So what do you want?"
She stared into the wall for a moment before she answered, not looking at him. "I want you to visit Zell before you go. Say goodbye."
ooo
Quistis peeked into the Infirmary, sighed in relief of finding it empty except for the patient, and then promptly felt guilty about it. Squall had more right than anyone to be in that room, it was just that she couldn't deal with him being pre-Zell Squall right then.
She stepped in and removed the paper from around the bouquet of flower she'd brought with her and looked around for a place to put them. Every vase, container, glass, jug or vessel able to hold water was filled with flowers, the room full of cards and stuffed animals. She recognized the furry Chocobo that Zell had won at a carnival years ago and wondered who'd put it there.
"Laguna stopped by."
Quistis spun around on her heels so fast that she stumbled and dropped the flowers, but still held on to the toy.
She hadn't seen Seifer where he was sitting in an uncomfortable visitors chair in a corner behind her, blond hair tussled, white shirt wrinkled. Judged on the hunched down posture she would've thought him drunk if those green eyes hadn't been so lucid.
"Irvine was here too", he continued, rubbing at his neck. "Scared the little fucker off."
She'd never understood why he'd never liked Irvine. She assumed it was because they had absolutely nothing in common, and that Seifer - being Seifer - just wouldn't bother.
"What are you doing here?"
He looked up at her, frowning deep.
"What, I'm not allowed to be here?"
He straightened in the chair and it creaked dangerously under the shift of his weight.
"Sorry", he murmured, rubbing the bridge of his nose tiredly. "Everything's just…"
He made an indistinct hand-gesture that she had no problem interpreting. Fucked.
"Yeah. It's ok." She bent down to retrieve the flowers, found that there was still no place to put them and simply laid them across Zell's feet. Maybe some nurse would take care of them. "I just wondered why you were here, and not Squall. Or Zell's mother."
Seifer rose from his chair, back popping, before he walked over to the bed, all unconscious swagger and Quistis flushed as he stepped up close.
"Mrs Dincht wasn't well to begin with, and Zell's accident sure as hell didn't make her better. Commander Sourpuss…" She could see his upper lip twitching like it wanted for form a sneer but Seifer wouldn't allow it.
"He's otherwise occupied", he finished, voice dripping with so much disdain that Quistis wouldn't have been surprised to see it form a lake at his feet.
"Zell wouldn't even fucking be here if it wasn't for Squall and his fucking problem with deciding whatever the hell it is that he wants."
Seifer was staring at Zell's face like he was angry with the fighter, but Quistis knew better.
"I know you and Zell were sort of friends now, but… But why do you get so mad on his behalf?"
Seifer breathed deeply through his nose as he formed a reply.
"When I came back after Ultimecia, people looked at me the same way they're looking at him now. They hate him for something he has no control over. They hate him because he fucking loves someone! I know what it feels like to have people talk shit behind your back, to avoid you in the hallways and not lift a finger to help you. They shunned me and despised me, but Zell never did. When I set foot in the Training Centre after I got reinstated, he gave me a frown, called me an asshole and… nothing was different. I just want to return the favour. I want to give him someone who won't look at him like this is all his fault, and if I'm the only one who will do that, then--"
He cut himself off and Quistis couldn't resist the impulse to reach out and touch. Seifer's arm was shaking under her hand, visibly upset but still trying to hide it.
"You're not the only one who cares. Everyone who's ever really taken the time to get to know Zell can't hate him. I mean, look around. There are flowers from pretty much everyone! No one wants to see him hurt, least of all Squall."
Seifer scoffed.
"Don't defend that little bitch. He's got no excuse for not being here."
"He's hurting too! Maybe not physically, but his heart--"
"He doesn't fucking have one!"
"-- his heart must be breaking. That's the most important person in his life lying there. How would you feel?"
He looked up, eyes boring straight into her, making her breath hitch. "I'd do exactly what I am doing."
She nodded, realizing for the first time that Seifer wasn't complete incapable of feelings, like she had suspected. That everything wasn't fun and games for him and that there actually were people that he cared enough about to express those feelings.
Maybe she needed to reconsider Seifer altogether.
"We all deal with things like this differently", she said, sitting down on Zell's bedside. "Maybe he just needs to come to terms with the situation and he'll be here more."
"Yeah, but the longer Chickie stays unconscious…"
"Zell will wake up. He's not the type to just lie around and do nothing. Not for long."
Seifer grinned, wickedly and wretched. "Yeah, well, when he wakes up I'm gonna kick this little fuckers ass!"
"Who are you calling 'little fucker', asshole?"
Quistis held Seifer's eye for just a moment longer, registering the baffled look the blond was sporting, before they both turned to the bed.
Zell was gazing up at them through several layers of white bandages, something that could've been a smile tugging at his chapped lips.
"Hyne, you two look stupid right now."
His words were slightly blurred, band-aids and stitches hampering his speech.
"But you're-"
"Dead? Not with you to arguing in the room. Gee, can't even let a guy die in peace."
Quistis wanted to slap him for speaking so flippantly about his own life, but the urge to hug him was stronger so she threw herself around his neck and burrowed in tight.
"OW! Seifer, some help please?"
She felt large hands on her waist, pulling her up and away from Zell, but once she was standing, the hands didn't immediately go away and she didn't resist to lean into them a little.
"So you're finally awake now, huh? You always were a bit slow on the uptake."
Zell tried to glare, but he knew he was failing and grinned defiantly instead. "Shut up, Seifer. I'm glad to see you're both ok, though. That was some scary shit. Anyone know what really happened?"
Even though Zell was notorious for letting his mouth run without supervision, Quistis could see he wasn't just making conversation. He must have heard at least parts of what they'd talked about, and who, and while Zell might not be the brightest crayon in the box at all times, he had an instinct to count on and a sharp sense of logic. You just had to weed through all the nonsense to hear it.
"Lots of shit happened, lots of people died or got hurt, but now's not the time for it." Seifer tone didn't accept arguments.
"Not even the cliff notes version?"
Seifer stepped closer to the bed and gave Zell a pat on the shoulder, slightly more awkward now when the blond was awake to see him do it. "I'll get a nurse."
After he left, Quistis sat down on the bed again, and at a loss for things to say she picked up the flowers again.
"I brought these", she said and blushed deep when Zell smiled.
"Thanks, you're the best."
She chuckled and hooked a strand of hair behind her ear.
"They're just flowers."
The blond shrugged and tried to touch a petal, but the lines and wires attached to his hand, and not to mention the largest cast Quistis had ever seen wrapped around his arm, got in the way.
"I see someone went a little overboard with the bandaging. He studied his arm for a moment, twisting it this way and that as he read the greetings that the students had written on it, half-smile on his lips.
Quistis sat in silence and studied him, happy to see him awake and moving, even though he would have a long way to go before he could be released.
"So, you and Seifer, huh?"
She blanched, and flushed and stared, wide eyed as Zell kept talking.
"Took you guys for-effing-ever to stop beating around the bush."
"What? No, we're not.. We were just… No, we're not!"
"You said that already, but didn't believe you the first time either."
They sat looking at each other, Zell grinning, Quistis terribly ashamed. The furious red staining her cheeks didn't diminish when Seifer stepped in with a nurse in tow, wondering what was going on.
The nurse kindly asked them to step out while she checked over Zell, but either Seifer had had enough of being nice, or it was his old habit of disobeying orders kicking in, because he made a big hassle out of it and Quistis had to practically drag him with her, all under the knowing smirk from Zell.
Once they were out of the room, Seifer made a big show out of straightening his shirt. She snickered and looked around the hallway.
"We should alert Squall."
Seifer's eyes darkened. "Already tried. Guess who's not answering his phone?"
Quistis sighed and sent a little curse Squall's way.
"I'll go talk to him. He's going to be very mad if we don't tell him right away."
"Whatever", Seifer replied in an eerily accurate impersonation. "I'll stop by Mrs Dincht, she's gonna want to know too."
Instead of immediately walking off, Seifer stood fidgeting with some object in his hand, maybe a paperclip, looking obviously distressed.
"Seifer, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just…" He made another flailing hand motion and Quistis nodded.
"I know, but it's going to be fine now."
He nodded, first slowly, but then more confidently and suddenly he leaned down and kissed her.
Too stunned to do anything other than hold on for dear life to her sanity, Quistis kissed him back, only vaguely aware of it.
He pulled back and licked his lips, nodding to her once before turning. "Right, and maybe I should find Selphie too. Don't want to get on her bad side right now."
She wobbled were she stood, the taste of him a slow explosion in her mouth and she could detect hints of cigarettes, coffee and cinnamon.
She pulled herself together enough to stumble the opposite direction, fighting but losing the battle against the giddy and triumphant grin spreading across her face and she prayed she wouldn't come across anyone she knew.
She had a reputation to uphold.
ooo
When Quistis had knocked on his door just a little over a half an hour earlier, wearing the silliest grin he'd ever seen on her, Squall hadn't really thought she was carrying bad news. But he hadn't expected them to be quite the ones she's relayed to him either, though.
He'd spent an unknown amount of time behind his desk after that, just staring incomprehensibly into space while his mind was reeling. It always stopped short on the same thing, 'Zell is awake', and then began spinning again.
He had needed to see it with his own eyes to believe it, but once he'd reached the door of the Infirmary, he'd frozen. For ten minutes he'd paced in front of the door, panicked and confused. He had no idea what to say, having spilled all of his thoughts and feelings at Zell bedside weeks ago. He wasn't sure he could repeat all that again.
Mid-pace, the door opened and Ma Dincht stepped out, momentarily surprised to see him. She quickly schooled her expression and closed the door behind her, with a quick glance over her shoulder.
A very perceptive woman.
"Squall", she said, obviously intending to say more, but found herself at a loss of how to continue.
"Is he… Is he really awake?"
Her face smoothed out and she smiled. "Yes, sweetie, he is. A little tired right now, though. Seems like all of Balamb has stopped by to see him."
"Oh."
Squall knew that it would have been impossible for them to talk with people constantly interrupting, but he still felt like he should have been there sooner.
"Maybe I should come back--"
"Don't be an ass, boy!" Squall flinched at the unexpectedness of the outburst. "He'll never be too tired to see you. Now get your butt in there, before I kick it in!"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Don't 'ma'am' me, young man, I don't work here."
She turned around and walked away, limping a little but held on to the wall for support. Squall took a tentative step forward, but without turning around, Ma Dincht stopped him.
"And don't even think about helping me. You should've been through that door already."
Zell was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, just like he'd been all the other times he'd snuck in after visiting hours to see him. He was fairly certain that Dr Kadowaki had known he was there, but she'd never said anything, and hadn't come in while he'd been there.
But unlike those other times, Zell's head turned at the sound of the door, eyes cracking open to regard his latest visitor.
His eyes widened almost comically at the sight of Squall, who was hovering just by the door, still unsure how his presence would be received.
"Squall?"
Zell's voice was no more than a whisper and he blinked rapidly as if he wasn't sure that Squall was real.
"Yeah." He stepped forward a little, to prove that he wasn't a hallucination. "If you're too tired I can come back."
"No, it's fine. I'm fine."
Squall couldn't be sure, but he thought it was almost worse seeing Zell all bandaged up like a mummy. Magic had taken the fear of blood away from them, no matter the injury. Squall had seen blood pump sticky and bright red from an almost severed limb, and it hadn't given him the same chills as Zell's cast did. The seemingly endless miles of gauze wrapped around Zell's body spoke of serious injuries where Magic had come too little and too late.
"I look awful, I know." Zell sounded sullen. "Ma says I'm as pretty as I ever was." He let his opinion of that statement be known with a derisive snort. "But she's just saying that 'cause she's my mother. I'm sure she read it in some parenting book she bought when I joined Garden."
Squall sat down in the chair by the bed and immediately his leg started bouncing.
"You look… You look like you've been in an accident."
Zell laughed, but he wouldn't look at Squall, hadn't really since he walked in. "Yeah, I guess I do."
The silence that followed was pressing and uncomfortable, like silence with Zell had never been before. Zell always talked, and when he didn't, he would touch.
But now they needed to talk, desperately, but Squall couldn't find the words.
"Selphie told me what happened." Zell said suddenly, pulling at a corner on his beige blanket. "It was kind of surreal to hear it like that, but I can't decide if it's good or bad that I can't remember anything. You know, from after we crashed."
"It's probably good. You don't need to worry about that anymore."
"Yeah, not about that."
"Zell-"
"You were right, man. I was in denial. I mean, I knew things were pretty bad, but I guess I didn't want to know just how bad. Feels like I failed at the whole boyfriend thing, anyway. I'm supposed to make you happy, but instead I made you miserable."
"No, Zell. Without you I would have given up long ago."
"Without me you wouldn't have had to."
"I never--"
"Irvine was right, I think." Apparently, Zell had no problems finding words now. "Back when we told them about us. That we should've kept it secret. That was my fault too, always on your back about telling people."
He snorted. "I really should get better at listening to you. Or you should get better at telling me to shut the fuck up."
"Zell, shut the fuck up."
The blond looked at him so strangely that Squall had to smile, but he soon turned serious again. "None of this is your fault and I completely overreacted when I told you I needed a break. You've never made me do anything I didn't want to do and just because something is reasonable, like keeping us secret, doesn't make it right. I don't regret telling people, I regret how people reacted. In hindsight, all I really regret is that people died. Everything else I can deal with."
At least he could now, with Zell awake.
The fighter shifted on the bed and Squall didn't need to see his face to know that he was upset.
"What?"
"That's all you regret?"
"Isn't that enough?" Zell nodded, but didn't say anything and Squall wished, for the thousand time that he was psychic.
"I can't read your mind, Zell, you have to tell me."
"It's nothing." He sure as hell didn't sound like it was nothing. "Look, I'm kinda tired. It's been a long day and the nurse gave me some painkillers before and they're finally kicking in."
Squall rose immediately, and regretted looking so eager to leave. "I'll come see you tomorrow."
Despite of himself, Squall couldn't just turn around and leave, so he stood there and watched Zell slide slowly down under the covers and turned off the light.
Zell mattered more than anyone had ever done before and he couldn't just walk away from that. This he had to fight for.
"I got what I wished for, didn't I?"
Zell's eyes burned on him through the dark. "What are you talking about?"
"I said I wanted a break. Well, I got it and I all wanted to do was take it back. My life is kinda boring without you, and there's this little thing that involves me loving you too damn much to just let that go."
"It would be easier."
Squall leant down on his hands, face hovering above Zell's, trying to see through the darkness. "For who? It won't be for me, or you. Obviously."
He couldn't see Zell's reaction, but he heard the sound that was unmistakably a sob. "I thought for sure you regretted ever meeting me."
"Zell."
"No, I know it's stupid, but I couldn't help it. I thought that while I was out you had gotten used to being by yourself again and decided you liked that better."
Squall sat down on the bed, and found Zell hand like he'd done all those other times he'd visited and rubbed it between his palms to get some heat back into it. Zell was way to cold too now.
"I never thought I'd say this, but you think too much." He bent down to place a kiss on Zell's brow. "I was a loner because of what happened when I was a kid. But you guys helped me get over that. The only thing that would turn me back to that person would be losing you too."
"But I heard Seifer and Quistis talking and they said you'd pulled away, so I thought--"
"Yeah, well, what do they know? They haven't been here around the clock." Squall smiled, and hoped Zell could sense it. "It's good to have you back."
Zell chuckled and let his free hand joined the others.
"I'm glad you think so."
"Of course I do." He wished he'd known before, all the things he referred to as 'of course' when it came to Zell, it would have made his life a little easier. "And I'll prove it to you once you get released."
Zell suddenly laughed a little nervously. "Uhm, I might have overreacted a little myself when you told me, uh, you know and I went to see Cid about getting my room back and all my stuff's--"
"They've been brought back to where they belong. Seifer got annoyed at having them clutter up his living room. And about your old room… Did you actually see Cid sign the requisition?"
"Uh, no? We got interrupted."
Squall vividly remembered the stabbing in his chest when Cid had cornered him about Zell and his plans to move out.
"Well, he tore it half just in case. So you still live with me." Zell sighed and Squall just held on a little tighter.
"But nothing's really changed, babe. People are still gonna…" There was a rustle of clothes as Zell probably made a gesture that Squall wouldn't have understood anyway. But he did get Zell's point.
"Yeah, but I've been thinking about that." He really hadn't, and only come to that conclusion just a moment before. But he felt surprisingly sure about it. "My father mentioned the possibility of me working for him and--"
"No." The lights abruptly came on, Zell's expression incredulous.
"What? Why not?"
Zell sat up a little straighter in bed, but didn't let go of Squall's hand. "You're not leaving Garden. Even if the Faculty would be stupid enough to let you go, what the fuck would you be doing in Esthar? You're always looking at Laguna like he's your dentist who just suggested a root canal. You'd go crazy within a month. No, you belong here, bigoted assholes or no and if anyone could change their minds about it, it'd be you. But you're partially right, someone needs to leave, and that someone is me."
"No, Zell--"
"Listen to me! I need time getting better, even with Regent helping me along. You'd have to find a temp anyway, so looking for someone more permanent wouldn't be too hard."
"But what about your students? You love teaching."
"I'm not saying that I'm not gonna miss it like a limb, but my kids will understand. And once I'm better I can always teach in Balamb, they're always talking about starting up a school, they just haven't found anyone who could, you know, train them. And maybe most importantly, it'll take a load off your shoulders, not having to second-guess my deployments." Zell winked, grinning. "See, I do notice things."
"I know you do." Squall took a moment to think. "Are you sure?"
"Yes. One hundred percent. And Ma… well, she's getting older and weaker and she's gonna need some help around the house now anyway, so, it's kinda perfect."
Squall's frown slid perfectly into place.
"Wait? You're gonna live with her?"
"I have to, I can't stay here. I won't be a SeeD anymore and you should know the rules."
He did know. Spouses were allowed aboard Garden during certain times, and usually never for very long. Asking for an exception for Zell would just undermine everything they hoped to accomplish.
"Then I'll leave to."
"No, I just told you--"
"Just for living elsewhere. There are no rules that says I can't live in Balamb, as long as it's nearby."
Zell was stunned into a shocked silence that lasted a little too long for Squall's liking.
"Are you saying that we… You want us to…live together?"
"Like we haven't?"
"No, I mean, getting a house or something, that kind of living together."
Squall mulled it over, for appearance sake.
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."
Zell stared at him for a second. "Wow, baby, I'm speechless."
"Liar."
Zell laughed, and finally it was that carefree, fuck-the-world-laugh that Squall had missed so terribly.
"Speaking of liars; I wanna see my face. Everyone's been telling me I look good, you know, 'considering', that I know something's gotta be wrong."
Squall snickered. "You should sleep, Zell. You've got a lot of healing left to do and obsessing about your looks is kind of counter-productive and--"
"Squall? Mirror."
"Of course there's gonna be scarring, I mean, it's only natural, but--"
"Squall. Mirror!"
"I'm not a girl, ok? And I don't walk around with a mirror in my purse, I--"
"Squall! Give me a motherfucking mirror right now!"
And there you have it; the end. NOT!
Hello people, it's me we're talking about. I can't write a story without a fucking epilogue!! So yeah, the main story ends here, but I got a few things left unsaid. And I think one of you reading this got a wedding picture to finish drawing, yes?
*cackles*
Alright, see you next time!
Hugs, Z