"What's all this then?" Ron Wesley muttered to himself at breakfast. The toast and jam and eggs and cereal and coffee and scones and whiskey all the students had been enjoying transfigured into 1990's era Macintosh computers. All head turned towards the teachers table, where only Dumbledore and Snape stood at the podium.
"From this year on, we'll be doing things a bit differently…" Snape announced. Dumbledore elbowed the potions master off of the podium.
"If this all works out, then perhaps some changes might be made to the sorting process." The crowd erupted with mummers and panic. "Professor Snape, has advised me that the magic of 'Quizlla' might be able to sort you better than our usual method. So to determine if this is true or not, all 5th, 4th and 3rd years are to take the new sorting quiz, as designed by professor Snape. After you receive the results you'll be moved to which ever house is picked for you for a week and see how you fit in………..educationally.
"What if we get sorted into different houses?" Fred asked George.
"I couldn't imagine that in a million years Fred, but let's see about this quiz of old Snapes." George chuckled.
The students all logged in and began the quiz "Which Hogwarts house should YOU belong to??"
"What's all this then?" Ron pointed furiously at the screen. The very first question was,
"Are you a Ginger?"
"The answers add points towards each house, at the end of the quiz the house you've allotted the most points to will become yours…" Snape droned on.
The Wesley's all clicked 'Yes'
GRYFFINDOR! The screens all flashed.
"How come it's decided? We've only just started." Ginny raised her hand.
"Yeah!!" the twins hollered.
"What's all this then?" Ron complained.
"Wesley's just get your pale ass's back up the tower…" Snape yelled, shaking his head.
The rest of the students continued the quiz, slowly realizing that the questions got stranger as they went on.
"It's a sunny day, what do you do?"
Go visit Hagrid
Stay in the Shade
Look for Nargles
Sparkle
"What in the world is one about?" Hermione whispered to Harry. "Who in their right mind would say they sparkle? That doesn't even make sense…"
"Yeah, perfect." Cedric Diggory remarked as he clicked on D.
Another question read,
You see Harry Potter, what Do you do?
Ask if he's uncovered the latest mystery you've been solving over the year.
Scoff at him and call him a fag.
Cock Tease him.
Who's Harry Potter?
"Luna…" Cho Chang nudged daydreaming new god of the wizarding world. "psst… what did you put for the Harry Potter question?" Luna opened her perfect mouth and as always knew exactly what to say.
"Oh I just went with C for that one."
"Yeah that seemed right to me." Cho smiled. Little did anyone know that across the Hall Draco Malfoy was also selecting C for that particular answer…
"I sorta just put D for all of 'em" Cedric explained to the group of female followers he always kept.
After all the results had been reviewed by the teachers, the only drastic change was Neville Longbottom being switched over to Sytherin.
"Sorry guys, I think I messed up." He waved glumly to his old house mates.
That night in the headmaster's office…
"Well Snape, things seemed to go over pretty well with that Quizilla." Dumbledore nodded.
"Yes It did Albus. Today was proof enough that the old ways are obsolete." Snape sneered.
"I do suppose your right in that sense…" the wise old wizard contemplated.
"Then you know what you must do…" Snape un-sheathed his cobra scepter, its ruby eyes mesmerized Albus. "You must let go of tradition, cast the tattered hat to the winds."
"To the winds." Dumbledore muttered halfheartedly. "But it's so old!" he protested. Snape waved his scepter a second time and Dumbledore complied. Lifting the hat off of its worn velvet pillow he opened the windows of his office. The sorting hat awoke to this disturbance.
"What's all this then?" he asked his old friend.
"You're services, are no longer required." Dumbledore uttered, still under the snakes spell. He spread his fingers and the wind snatched the hat, and it soared off into the autumn breeze.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK," The hat bellowed in the wind. "Dumbledore you shit eater I should have shoved your ass in Hufflepuff!!" and with that it vanished. The last person to see it was Hagrid, who was cleaning owl crap off the roof. At the sight of the hat flying off, he simply raised his fists to the sky and shouted,
"Tradition!!"