Jadzia thought that if she stopped eating, she would become superhuman. She'd done it once before. In her first year at the academy, she'd felt overwhelmed and ignored, important enough to be expected to ace everything, but not important enough for anyone to care about. It was then that she had decided to stop eating.
It had been so easy. She had started avoiding the dining hall as she didn't have any friends to notice she was missing. On bad days, she'd eaten a few crackers alone in her dormitory. It had been an amazing feeling, knowing secretly that she didn't indulge the same earthly needs as her peers. She felt high for days at a time. For the first time in her life, she had been in control.
She had become spindly, and her cheekbones had begun to jut out. She had liked the change, she thought it made her look older. Guys, classmates, had started to notice her, turning their heads as she walked by. Or maybe she had just started to realize they did this. It had pleased her, that they didn't know her secret weapon.
Then, she had begun to stumble. At first, it seemed like a coincidence. They had changed the chairs in the library so many times, of course she should forget how to get out of them. But then, there had been the horrible realization that she couldn't even make it down a hallway without grabbing onto a wall. She started making excuses to avoid battle exercises. She knew she couldn't make it through them.
Then, the moment of reckoning. It had been the last class before final exams, and she was rushing into the classroom when she fell. Not a small fall that she could hide by grabbing onto the back of a chair, but a spectacular fall, down four flights of stairs into the lecture area.
"I'm okay, I'm okay," she had screamed, terrified, but two of her classmates had carried her to the infirmary. As soon as the doctor scanned her, she knew she would be exposed. She had started crying,
"Please," she said, "I'm sorry ... I couldn't bring myself to come in ... it was so embarrassing ... worms coming out of my ... you know ..."
Then she had collapsed into another torrent of sobs. She could tell he didn't believe her. But he had let her save face.
"Well, the important thing is that you're here," he had said, "I will give you some medication. But you need to gain one kilo by next week and ten kilos in the next two months, or I am going to discharge you."
She nodded gratefully. He had given her the name of a counsellor, in case she needed to talk to someone, and sent her off.
That night, she had taken a bowl of cereal from the cafeteria. She knew she couldn't bring herself to eat in front of people. She had put it down on her desk in her dorm, and sat over it, crying. She had to do it, she knew, or else, they would kick her out of Starfleet. They would send her back to Trill. She would never be joined. She would be alone forever, without even a symbiant to keep her company. Slowly, beneath her tears, she put her hand into the bowl and put some cereal into her mouth.
It took her three hours, but she finished the entire bowl. The next day, she ate another one, and slowly but surely, she had kept up her end of the bargain. By the end of the week, she was up one kilo.
The entry on her record still read tapeworms.
This time it was different, this time she didn't care if they kicked her out of Starfleet. In fact, she secretly hoped they would. And it was just as easy as it was the last time. At breakfast, she would eat two bites of her cake, and then push it back into the replicator when no one was looking. Between Kang and Shen, there was always an adequate distraction.
Then, she would work through lunch as she often did, claiming, if anyone asked, that she had eaten at her station. Her long shifts meant that she also worked through dinner, so she told the people on ops that with the new baby, Worf had insisted they eat as a family, and he was keeping dinner late. Of course, this was a lie, and when she got home, he assumed that she had already eaten. And that was it, a full day on two bites of cake.
The fact that no one noticed just confirmed to Jadzia that no one cared about her. She had been a little bit concerned that someone might say something, and she would have to make excuses. But she was doing it. She was flying. She didn't have to worry about Captain Sisko yelling at her anymore, she just happily thought of her secret. He would regret overworking her when she was forty kilos. Worf could ignore her, Kang could cling and Shen could scream. She just focused on her goal and stayed calm. Things felt strangely back together.
This carried on for a month, until Dr. Bashir tapped her on her back one morning.
"I was wondering if you want to have lunch today," he asked, "We haven't done that for awhile."
"I can't," she said, "I'm too busy."
"I'm free any day this week," he replied, "You must be free one of them."
"Tomorrow," she said finally.
Jadzia made sure she was sitting down well before Dr. Bashir came in to the replimat.
"I was so hungry I came early and ate already," she told him, "But we can still chat."
"How much of it did you push back into the replicator?" he asked.
"Only what I didn't eat," she replied, acting as if she had no idea what he was talking about. Dr. Bashir sighed, and got a tray.
"Are you sure you don't want anything?" he asked, "My treat," he added, as if it mattered.
The smell of the food on his tray was getting to Jadzia.
"Can I have your apple?" she asked.
"I can get you an apple," he replied.
"No, I want yours," she said.
He gave her a strange look, but handed her the apple. She turned it over three times before she took a bite. She always made a point of turning things over three times before she ate them.
"So how are things?" he asked.
She turned her apple over three more times, but wasn't sure that the last time it had made it entirely around, so she turned it over three times again. She hesitated before taking another bite.
"Fine," she said.
"How's Shen?" he asked.
"Loud," she joked, struggling not to think about the apple before she had a chance to turn it again, "But her hair's starting to grow in, curly like her father's."
"I think they're going to have a lot in common," said Dr. Bashir.
Jadzia tried to decide whether to take another bite of her apple. Three bites ought to be enough for anyone, but maybe one more couldn't hurt. She could skip her cake tomorrow. She started to turn it.
"Sisko to Dax," the Comm. System blared.
"I need to go," she said, slamming the apple onto the table with relief, and running off.
It was another week before she started to stagger. It was just subtle, though, she knew she could hide it. She made a point of standing closer to her station than usual, in case she fell towards it.
A few days later, she was walking off to a cargo bay, going to take inventory to avoid lunch when Dr. Bashir came up behind her.
"You need to come with me," he said.
"I need to take inventory ..." she insisted.
"This is Captain's orders," he said.
"I'll go ask him!" she spat.
"It doesn't matter," he replied, "I'm the chief medical officer. My judgement supersedes his in this case."
"Where are we going?" she asked.
"My quarters."
When they got inside, Jadzia saw that there were plates of food spread out on the table.
"I'm not hungry," she yelled as soon as she saw them. Dr. Bashir ignored her.
"We are going to have lunch," he stated simply.
"I do not have to stand for this," she yelled, turning for the door. It was locked.
"Security lockout, for psych patients. It's privilege I'm allowed," he stated, "I suggest you don't make this any more difficult than it has to be."
"What if I just sit here forever?" she asked.
Dr. Bashir shrugged.
"I'm not going to give up and let you go, if that's what you're asking."
Jadzia reluctantly sat at the table and scanned it. Salad. She could eat that. She pulled the plate towards herself.
She never ate with utensils anymore, so she picked up a leaf with her hand and started to turn it. She shoved it into her mouth.
"Are you happy?" she asked defiantly.
"Not yet," he said.
As she worked on the salad, she started to worry. It was only a couple of leaves. When it ran out, would he make her eat something else?
When she had finished every morsel, including the stems, she looked at the Doctor.
"I got your favourite pudding," he suggested. But pudding was out of the question. She looked around and saw something that looked like chicken. She grabbed it. She peeled the skin off, and tore off a small piece. She turned it and put it into her mouth. It was at that moment, she came to the realization that she couldn't do this. She stood up.
"I find it surprising," she said to the doctor, desperately, "How you conceal your real intentions for bringing me here."
She walked towards him. Then, she kissed him.
*****
Jadzia didn't need to avoid food any longer. She had found something better. Now when she walked down the hall, she had another secret. No one knew that Jadzia Dax, Lieutenant Commander, mother of two, was sleeping with Dr. Bashir.
Food had become part of the ritual, they always made sure to have a large lunch beforehand, like they had the first time. It was fun, and it helped avoid suspicion. If anyone asked, he was supervising her food intake, just like he was supposed to.
Of course, things has escalated and become more wild. First, they had met once or twice a week, but now it was almost every day. Jadzia had wanted a greater variety of locations, so they had met once in a holosuite under the pretence of performing simulations. Quark had seemed suspicious, though, so they hadn't done it again.
An oblivious Worf had noticed that she seemed happier, and asked why, when nothing had changed. She lied, saying that it was because Shen had been sleeping through the night more often, hadn't he noticed that?