How to Get a Date
I don't own Hellsing. It belongs to Kouta Hirano.
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Sure enough, when payday rolled around, Pip bought a slim video camera and gave it to Ferdinand.
"You know 'ow to work one of zese, Fred?" Pip asked, handing the camera to Fred.
"Si, Pip. How are we going to start this?"
"Well, I guess we've got to make an introduction first, non?"
In the end, they decided to film near Tower Bridge, a landmark of London.
Pip hooked himself up to the wireless microphone, placing it on the lapel of the white suit he had decided to wear. It was a quiet day, there was barely any wind to whip his braid about, and the filthy brown water flowed smoothly under the bridge.
Pip smiled in a friendly sort of manner as Ferdinand started the count down, motioning with his fingers.
Five… four…
Pip swallowed down the lump that was forming in his throat.
Two… one… OK!
"'Ello zere! If you are watching zis video, zen zat means you're probably 'aving trouble with ze ladies! Zis video can fix zat easily as we go zrough all of ze steps to get you a date! First, I shall demonstrate charm on a randomly chosen woman, and you can just watch from zere!" Pip waited for about a second. "Cut!"
Ferdinand turned off the camera, folding in the small screen on the side.
"So we have to go looking for the señoritas?"
"Oui. Not 'elp me find one out of ze crowd. I swear, all of ze women in London are as ugly as sin."
"How about that one?" Ferdinand asked, pointing to a woman probably in her early twenties. She would have been perfect if it wasn't for the nose on her face that reminded Pip of a hawk.
"Non. I want to go after zat one." Pip replied, pointing to another woman wearing a white sundress. She had a perfect figure, perfect features, perfect blond hair.
"Señor, she is married." Ferdinand replied, pointing to the gold wedding band on her ring finger.
"I could be just for show. Now get zat camera rolling."
Ferdinand rolled his eyes as he got the camera ready, focusing it on Pip.
"Now ze fine example of a woman in ze white sundress behind me is about to be exposed to my charm. Zis, my love-deprived gentlemen, is 'ow you get a date."
The camera was on Pip as he strolled over to the woman, who was reading a novel.
"Bonjour, mon chéri."
The woman looked up at him, frowning slightly.
"Did you know zat French is ze language of love? I could speak it to you all night."
"Excuse me? Do you not see this ring on my finger, you bloody wanker? I am MARRIED!"
Ferdinand chuckled in amusement as the woman took her novel and began to beat Pip with it. He threw his arms over his head to shield himself as he ran back towards the camera.
"Did I say zat was how you get a date? Zat is how you don't get a date! Rule number one: Don't ask ze married women!"
"Rules, Señor Pip?" Ferdinand asked, raising an eyebrow, keeping the camera lens on Pip.
"Oui! I'm glad I you reminded me, Fred! Zere are rules you have to follow when trying to get a date! Rule number two is to not use pickup lines! Allow me to demonstrate!"
Pip scanned the park until his green eye landed on a sight-seeing tour.
There was a foxy lady with auburn hair and dark blue eyes wearing tight jeans and a slim-fit T-shirt.
"'Ow 'bout zat one?" Pip asked, pointing. "You see a ring on 'er?"
"No, Pip." Ferdinand replied, a smirk forming at the corners of his lips.
If only the other Wild Geese could see this.
Pip walked over to the woman, trying to seem casual.
He held her hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed it.
"My love for you is like a red, red rose." Pip swallowed slightly, trying to get over his accent for the next part. "And I am feeling a little thorny."
The reply could be heard through the microphone Pip was wearing.
"Was? Ich verstehe nicht." (What? I do not understand.)
Ferdinand grinned.
This woman Pip was trying to hit on couldn't even speak English.
Pip then noticed the name of the tour group: Drachefeuer Bereist (Dragon Fire Tours). A German tour group.
Pip grumbled something unintelligible before. Heading back towards Ferdinand.
"Rule number two: Make sure she speaks your language. I'm going to try ze pickup line rule again."
Pip once again scanned the park before he found an attractive dark-skinned woman with black hair and dark brown eyes. She wore a black tank top, slightly baggy South Pole jeans, and black Vans. In essence, stereotypical.
Pip sighed inwardly. Why did this one have to look like a wannabe gangster?
He walked over to her, trying to seem enthusiastic.
"If I told you zat you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"
The response was even better than what Ferdinand could have ever hoped for.
Her arm swung violently, and her fist smacked right into Pip's face, making him stumble backwards.
Ferdinand laughed, shaking the camera violently as tears came to his eyes and rolled down his cheeks.
"Fred! Don't just stand zere! 'Elp me!" Pip cried, trowing up his arms over his face to deflect more punches, but what he got was a well-placed kick where the sun don't shine.
"Merde!"
"That's right, Frenchie! You make any more moves at me, you'll be singin' soprano for a week. You got it?" The woman fumed.
Pip dropped to the ground in the fetal position and began to roll around in the grass, wincing and cursing in French.
Ferdinand couldn't stop the laughter that barreled out of him as he watched Pip roll around. This was even better than when he got flicked around by Seras.
"But Pip! I don't want to break the camera!" He lied.
"Fuck ze camera!" Pip squealed.
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It's fun to write pickup lines into stories. :D It was fun to write this chapter. Review, please!