How to Get a Date

I don't own Hellsing. It belongs to Kouta Hirano.

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Ferdinand was eventually able to pull off the woman mauling Pip, who decided it would be a good idea to kick him while he was down.

The woman angrily stomped away while Pip groaned in the grass. He rolled from his position onto his stomach to onto his back.

Ferdinand cringed.

Pip's face was swollen, blood was trickling down his nose and out of his mouth, his suit was torn, and there were probably several bruises forming on him already.

"Dios mio! Are you alright, señor?" He asked, worried, holding out a hand for Pip.

Pip gratefully took it, hauling himself off of the ground, hobbling slightly.

"I zink I'm okay… I just need to find another woman…" He slurred, limping towards a nearby woman walking her dog, purse tucked neatly under her arm.

"No, Pip, you'll scare her!" Ferdinand warned, putting his hand on Pip's shoulder.

Pip shrugged off Ferdinand's shoulder and continued to walk towards the woman. He tapped her on the shoulder.

The woman's eyes widened, and in one swift motion, she pulled pepper spray out of her bag and released it on Pip.

"MERDE! MY EYE!" Pip screamed, rolling around on the ground.

"Señor!" Exclaimed Ferdinand, running to Pip's side as the woman ran away.

"Merde! It 'urts so much, Fred!"

"Si, señor." Ferdinand put the camera in a case that went around his wrist before picking Pip up, carrying him bridal-style.

"You're a good friend, Fred." Pip said, trying to rub the pepper spray off his face with his arms.

XOXO

It took Pip a week to recover from the beating he received, and his bruises were now only pale splotches on his skin. The swelling on his face was down a considerable bit, and his cheeks were only slightly puffy as he held an icepack to his face. The pepper spray gave no permanent damage, and the rash that followed cleared up after a couple of days.

Pip almost looked normal. He held another icepack to his cheeks as he lay in his bed. Ferdinand sat in a chair pulled up at his bed side.

"I'm goin' to try again." Pip said, rolling his green eye towards Ferdinand.

"But Pip!" Ferdinand protested.

"Non. Let me finish." He took a deep breath. "It seems that I slightly overestimated my charm, and I'm going to go ask for advice."

"Advice? From who, señor?" Ferdinand arched an eyebrow, a line creasing his forehead.

"Alucard."

Ferdinand crossed himself after Pip spoke his name.

"You're going to get help from a vampiro?" Ferdinand asked incredulously.

"Oui."

"Why ask him?"

"Because I did a little bit of reading on 'im. When 'e was Dracula, 'e 'ad several women living in 'is castle wiz 'im."

"Usted es insensate (You're foolish.). What makes you think he will help you?"

"Because your case is amusing enough to get my attention." A smooth voice replied.

Pip and Ferdinand turned to the direction of the voice to see Alucard himself phasing through the wall.

"What is it that you humans are doing again?" He asked, looking down at Pip, his red eyes smoldering beneath his glasses.

"Uh, um we were making zis video t get more money," Pip stammered.

"And this video was on how to win the hearts of women?" Alucard finished, with a grin.

Ferdinand just couldn't help but notice how long his fangs were.

"Oui, monsieur."

Alucard pulled a chair from the nearby table for himself, looking regal as he sat in it.

"Women these days are different than the women I had the pleasure of courting. They're more rude, more vulgar, more outspoken, and have no class."

"You make zem sound like ze most repulsive zings in ze world." Pip replied, frowning.

"They're not. The men are worse."

Pip made a sour expression, but Alucard ignored it.

"Anyways, to get a woman, a man needs to have class. How are you trying to get with the ladies?"

"I'm using my charm--" Ferdinand coughed "--along with pickup lines."

"Pickup lines? You're approaching this all wrong. Do you just go up to a random one?"

"Oui."

"You have to get to know them first, then make your move. Don't just force yourself on them."

"Oui. Is zere anyzing else?"

"Not unless you want to give me some blood."

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Sorry that this chapter's kinda short. I had a writer's block on this story. ^^; Review, please!