Hello again! I have a Fourth of July gift for all of you. That's right, it's a new chapter! This one is even longer than the first one (and I thought the first one was long, haha). And just so all of you know, I'm still taking hairdo ideas for Kira, so if you have any, please let me know. The window of opportunity will close soon, though, so send them in while you can!

A quick thank you to my beta Barbellenel, Vivienne Grainger for reviewing, all those who read the last chapter, and anyone who reads this new one! Thank you all so much!

Reviews are welcome, but if you criticize, please be nice. I don't take well to flames, pretty though they are.

Disclaimer: It pains me to say that I do not own Bleach or its characters, but I do own the idea for this story and the way it's written. :)

Bathroom Breaks and Bouncing Blondes

Within minutes, the group of shinigami arrived outside the third squad's barracks. Since most of the third squad was asleep, they had planned to quietly sneak into the barracks and congregate in Kira's chambers so the blonde could be forced into the shower. However, they neglected the fact that Ikkaku still had a flailing Kira in his grasp and Hisagi was carrying a drunk and vocal Renji on his shoulder. Neither of the captured lieutenants were too happy to play along with the plan.

Kira, though free to move his limbs, had no other means of motion in his trapped state on Ikkaku's back. He never had been one for being manhandled in any sense of the word, so needless to say he wasn't too happy about having his mobility stripped from him. He also wasn't too keen on the forced shower plan, since nobody cared about his physical wellbeing. Several years in the barracks taught him that injuries and high pressure showerheads do not mix. He shuddered at the phantom pain and focused on fighting the plan. Since it was the only movement he could make, he kicked at Ikkaku again.

"How many times I gotta tell ya, stop targeting my legs, Blondie!" Ikkaku stated angrily.

"Consider this payback for your foot's trespassing on my torso!" Kira kicked back with all his might, hoping to peg the bald man in the back of the knee.

"I have no idea what you just said!" Ikkaku argued, moving his legs to avoid injury.

Yumichika, who had learned earlier to stand clear of Kira's breezes, leaned over from his position on the other side of Hisagi. "Ikkaku," he said in hushed tones, "remember that we're trying to sneak in. Do keep quiet, okay? Thank you."

Renji, unlike Kira, was beyond drunk and had absolutely no coherent thought processes whatsoever. Apparently in Renji's case, the shutdown of rational thinking led to incomprehensible prattling and an inability to follow orders. Simply put, he was acting like a crazed parrot on sugar pills.

"'Sagi has a fishy tail," Renji muttered, awestruck. He reached out to grab the hallucination.

Hisagi jumped in the air, stifling a yelp. He turned his head to Renji. "Dude! My ass! Not yours!" He turned to the others. "Why am I the one carrying him again?"

"My uniform is not vomit-proof, and I'll have you know that it costs a lot of money to remove those stains," Yumichika sniffed, dusting off his sleeve.

Ikkaku nodded. "And I had to grab the blonde."

"You could've just let him walk," Hisagi reminded him.

"Yeah, Ikkaku," Kira chimed in.

Ikkaku swung his free arm back and elbowed Kira in the ribs. He looked at Hisagi, smirking. "C'mon now, what would be the fun in that?"

Kira rubbed his newly aching ribs. Fuming, he swung his leg backward with all his strength, slamming his heel into Ikkaku's calf.

"Ow!" the bald man yelled. "Knock it off, Kira!"

"Quit hitting me and I'll stop!" Kira yelled back. "Or you could just put me down! Ever think of that?"

"Forget it! OW!" Fed up with the resistance, Ikkaku made sure he had a hold of the blonde's back collar. With a swift upward motion of his arm, Kira flew up a couple inches and then fell back down just as quickly.

Kira shoved his hands in his armpits. "AH! Don't do that again! That was the pits, and mine agree!"

Ikkaku looked over his shoulder. "Try anything else and you get another, Dagger Bangs!"

"'f 'is hair's so sharppp, does it make shtuff heavy too?" Renji drawled.

Yumichika waved his hands at the feuding hair-hapless shinigami in a sad attempt to calm them. "Need I remind you again that we are sneaking into the building?" he whispered. "Keep your voices down or we'll get caught."

"I'll be quiet when he behaves!" Ikkaku replied, no volume change whatsoever.

"Unless you put me down, that's not going to happen," Kira warned him. Changing tactics, he balled his hands into fists, thumbs outstretched, and thrust them back into Ikkaku's sides. "Kidney shot!"

"Dude, that's not funny!" Ikkaku screeched, twitching. "I gotta take a leak!"

"How's it feel? Huh? Huh?" Kira said angrily, jabbing Ikkaku's sides one at a time.

Ikkaku abandoned the others and ran for a nearby tree. "Gotta go!"

Realizing what the bald man was about to do, Kira panicked. "Okay, you can really let me go now! Come on, Ikkaku! Drop me before your pants, I beg you!"

"No way! You brought this on yourself, Blondie."

"AAAH!!! Put me down!!!" Kira thrashed around, struggling to free himself.

"Halt! Stay right where you are and put Lieutenant Kira down!" A night guard shined a light on the duo.

Ikkaku cursed. "So close to the tree, too."

Hisagi sighed. "Great, they got us all caught." He took a step forward.

Yumi pulled him back, shushing him. "The guard hasn't noticed us yet. As long as we stay here, we won't be in the light and we'll be safe."

"So what, you just want to leave them then?" Hisagi whispered.

"I prefer the phrase 'omitting party members,'" Yumi responded. "They're the geniuses who got caught, not us."

"Guys, we're caught. What now?" Ikkaku asked as he appeared before them, Kira in tow.

Hisagi gave Yumi a level stare. "Care to rephrase that?"

"You idiot!" Yumichika exclaimed. "Why did you bring our presence to the guard's attention? He didn't know we were here!"

Ikkaku was dumbfounded. "We brought gifts?" Yumi sighed.

Hisagi glared at the bald man. "The guard told you not to move, dumbass. Now he's going to come after us. Way to go. Your bladder just ruined our plan."

"Wait, he's one of yours, right Kira?" Yumi asked. "Then why did he stop you?"

Kira hung his head. "New guy. First night on guard duty. He barely recognizes me, so I highly doubt he'll know who any of you are."

"Judging from the kidou coming our way," Hisagi said, eyes widening, "I'd say that's a no. Run!"

The three mobile shinigami jumped out of the way right before a White Lightning blast scorched the ground where they had been. A stray jolt zipped through the group, grazing Renji's head in the process. His hair band snapped, sending his crimson locks right into his face.

Renji looked at all the red in his sight. Shocked, he grabbed the sides of his head. "'M bleedin'!"

Hisagi tried to calm the redhead down as they fled into the forest surrounding the barracks. The woods were thick enough that they could easily lose the guard but still open enough that they could see where they were in relation to the barracks.

They flash stepped around to the trees by the side of the building. Yumichika looked over his shoulder. "What luck! He's not following us!"

The group stopped in a small clearing hidden from view of the building.

Ikkaku looked back at Kira. "That moron. He shoulda followed us so he could catch us. What kind of pansies are you raisin' in the third?"

Kira responded with a couple jabs to Ikkaku's sides.

"Dude, knock it off, I still gotta go!" Ikkaku demanded, fighting the urge to cross his legs.

Hisagi grabbed the others' attention, urgency in his eyes. "We've got to talk some sense into the guard before he-"

"Squad three! Intruder alert! Everybody, wake up!"

"-alerts the others." Hisagi hung his head.

Ikkaku smirked, raising a fist. "We could always just smack some sense into him."

"Hey," Kira ordered, "be nice to my subordinate. He may be acting wrongly, but he's still under my care. If you want to hurt him, you'll have to get through me."

Ikkaku sneered. "What are you gonna do, wiggle at us?"

Kira jabbed him in the sides again.

"Okay, okay! I won't attack him! Just stop poking me or I'm gonna go right here!" Ikkaku bounced a little, a different look of urgency on his face.

"I'll go lef'!" Renji announced from his spot on Hisagi's shoulder. He tried to throw a hand into the air for emphasis, but he let it drop too soon, and his limp arm inadvertently smacked Hisagi's rear.

"Renji!" Hisagi yelped. "I told you before, that's my ass! I don't appreciate the spanking!"

Yumichika grinned. "Sounds kinky." He and Kira giggled.

"Found you!" The naïve guard appeared between the trees on the edges of the small clearing. "Don't move or I'll be forced to act." He put a hand on the hilt of his sword.

Hisagi took a small step back. "Nice thought. Thing is, I really don't like that action right there." He pointed to the sword. "It usually means some sort of injury or death, and I'm really not looking for either of those tonight. Are you, guys?"

Ikkaku, Kira and Yumichika shook their heads; Renji shook his butt. Ikkaku opened his mouth to say something, but Yumichika clapped a hand over it, allowing Hisagi to work his magic.

"That's what I thought. So you see, to prevent bodily harm, that action right there is forcing us to move." Hisagi pivoted and jumped into a flash step. "Book it, guys!"

Ikkaku frowned. "Hisagi, you know I can't read well!" An exasperated Yumi pulled him into a flash step.

The group sped around the third's barracks once again, this time with the guard on their trail.

"Kira," Yumichika declared, "you need to train your new members longer, or at least introduce them to the other high ranking members of the Gotei."

The blonde nodded. "I'll remember that next time."

Another shot of White Lightning flew past them, a little too close for comfort.

"Okay, this can't go on," Hisagi stated. "How are we going to stop him?"

"Well, Kira is his commanding officer," Yumi pondered. "He could always just order him to stop chasing us."

Ikkaku scoffed. "Are you crazy? That'll never work. He's not bossy enough."

"Hey, it's worth a shot," Hisagi said, stopping in another small clearing. The others followed suit.

"I'll show you, Ikkaku," Kira huffed. He waited until the pursuer was in earshot. "You there, guard! Don't worry about me, go back to your post!"

"But sir-"

"Your job is to protect the Seireitei and the third from attack, which is why you need to go back to your post. I'm just one shinigami. Besides, I'll be fine, I'm with friends." He gave the man what he hoped was a small reassuring smile.

The guard wasn't convinced. "Then why is the bald one carrying you?"

Kira thought for a moment. "Good point."

Ikkaku erupted. "I'm not bald, I'm clean shaven!" Growling, he reached for his zanpakutou. Yumichika grabbed his arm to prevent him from drawing it, but the guard noticed Ikkaku's reaction.

"Clearly this man and his vile cohorts are hostile and a threat to the Seireitei. I cannot allow them to keep you hostage, sir!" The guard drew his zanpakutou.

Yumichika was incredulous. "Vile? Me? Surely you're joking! Those other barbarians, yes, but me?"

"Thanks for the boost in esteem, Yumi," Hisagi said sarcastically, giving him a level stare.

Renji swung his arms around, grunting. "Some'un stole m' loincloth! Ren shmash soon's I fine m' shiny club."

Hisagi ignored the redhead and backed up slowly. "Well now, that didn't go as planned. Let's work on a Plan B." Hisagi stuck out his free arm. "Bakudou number nine, Strike!" A beam of red light surrounded the guard, preventing him from moving. "That should hold him for a little bit. Let's go!"

For the third time, they flash stepped around the barracks, making it a point to stop on the side opposite of the guard's location.

"Hey Izuru, there's an entrance over here, right?" Hisagi asked.

Kira nodded. "Each of the sides of the barracks has a door, but some are used more than others. This one isn't used as much, so it isn't as heavily guarded."

"Okay. Just making sure yours was the same as ours."

Ikkaku danced nervously. "There's a bathroom in there too, right?"

Kira rolled his eyes. "No, we got rid of it because we knew you would need to use it someday. Of course, there is."

Ikkaku breathed a sigh of relief. "I'm holding you to that, Blondie. If you're wrong about that like you were about ordering the guard-"

Kira jabbed him in the sides again.

Ikkaku jumped and danced more. "What the hell?!"

The blonde looked over his shoulder. "Tell you what, Chrome Cranium. I'll stop jabbing you if you don't mention the order catastrophe again. Deal?"

Ikkaku nodded vigorously. "Deal! Now where's that bathroom?"

Yumichika put a hand on his shoulder. "Hold it, Ikkaku. We still need to figure out how to get in there."

"That should be easy enough," Hisagi stated after a moment's thought. "Let's just go." He walked out into the clearing, making sure the rogue guard was nowhere in sight. The others followed, confused.

The group walked up the small set of stairs to the barracks' entryway. As they breezed through the door, one of the guards nodded an acknowledgement to the group. Hisagi smiled and put up his hand in greeting.

"Nice to know my squad is alert despite the unneeded wakeup call," Kira noted from his "backseat" position as they strolled through the halls. He saw a passing guard yawn. "Well, except him. I'll have to talk to him later."

"Th' guards look scrumpchious," Renji drooled. (1)

"Why haven't the other guards stopped us?" Ikkaku asked.

"Simple," Hisagi answered. "The new guy is the only one that hasn't met us yet. All of the other guards know who we are, so we get automatic access."

"Speaking of access, where's that bathroom?"

Kira pointed down a hall to the left of them. "Down that hall, sixth door on the right."

Ikkaku started running down the hallway, Kira still in tow. "Ikkaku Madarame, you'd better put me down before you go in that restroom, or you won't have anything to go in there for!"

"What, you're gonna make me pee in the hall?"

"No! You'll soon be missing a certain piece of anatomy if you don't let go of me!"

Before rushing into the bathroom, Ikkaku lobbed Kira towards the others. The blonde flew several feet before hitting the floor with his bangs, bouncing off, and hitting it again, skidding on his face with a horrible squeak. He slid to a halt, nose imbedded in the floor, butt pointing straight up, arms sticking out behind him.

Hisagi offered a hand as Kira removed his face from the floor. He rubbed the area under his eyes. "That hurt…" He took Hisagi's hand up gratefully and leaned against a wall. "If he's not a threat to the Seireitei, then Ikkaku is definitely a threat to my health. A foot to the chest, elbow to the ribs, bruised armpits, and now this? He gave me more injuries than I earned by myself, and I didn't even fight him."

"Just don't say that in front of him," Yumichika interjected. "If he overhears that you got injured by him without fighting, he'll fight you just to break the injury record. It's what many a good eleventh squad member would do. Don't worry though, Izuru," he said, wrapping an arm around the blonde, "I won't say a word, nor will I attack you myself. I'm above such actions, and my silence will prevent the lower being's assault as well. You are surely safe with me." He winked.

Kira blinked. "Uhh, thank you?"

Ikkaku emerged from the bathroom. "So who squeezed a cat while I was in there?"

"What?"

"Somebody must've flattened a cat or something because I heard an awful screech while I was taking care of things. At first I thought it was me, but there wasn't enough pressure. That, and I've never made a noise that high pitched in my life."

Kira marched up to him angrily. He pointed to his face. "I'm your dying cat. After you threw me, I landed on my face and skidded across the floor, making your screech. Oh, and by the way, it hurt." He crossed his arms indignantly.

Ikkaku examined him. "Well, at least your hair got polished, Squeaky Cheeks."

"It's not going to make much difference if I'm being forced into a shower!" Kira snapped. "Any 'polish' will wash right off!"

"Easy, Izuru," Hisagi mediated, pulling Kira away from the bald instigator. The blonde took a deep, relaxing breath and, resigning himself to the inevitable shower plan, led the other shinigami to his chambers.

Kira's room was a simple one. A pallet with a blanket rested on the floor near the left wall. On the other side of the room was a small wooden dresser with an unlit candle sitting on top of it. A miniature desk occupied the back wall, a small stack of blank paper and a brush lying on top, waiting to be used. Several poetry achievement awards decorated the wall above the desk. In the back left corner of the room was a door leading to a small private bathroom, bathtub included.

Hisagi dropped the loopy Renji in the back corner where he couldn't touch anything, then walked up to examine the awards. "Wow, you're getting pretty good at poetry, huh Kira? 'Best Haiku,' 'Best Story in Five Words,' 'Best…'" Hisagi did a double take. He looked at the blonde expectantly. "'Best Impromptu Recipe for Pie'?"

Kira blushed slightly. "We tend to get a little bored when we're not on duty, so one night we decided to have a squad-wide bake-off. Apparently my skills don't just lie in writing. Who knew?" He shrugged and walked over to his pallet. He lifted one of the floorboards next to it and grabbed a bottle of sake. He offered it to Shuuhei. "Want some?"

Hisagi was flabbergasted. "Where-? What-?"

"The Third sits next to a hot springs spa," Kira explained. "One of the hot water veins runs underneath my room, so I decided the space under my floorboards would be a good warm place to store sake. I have a pot of coffee in here too, if you want it."

"Uhh, no thanks," Hisagi said, waving a hand. "I've had enough coffee for the night."

Kira shrugged again. "Suit yourself. Just remember where this spot is. I'm probably going to need a good drink later, and with the crazy ideas Yumi can concoct, I might need help getting to it."

"Hey, gentlemen, have you forgotten why we're here? Why, to help Kira, of course! At least Ikkaku remembered, unlike the person we're helping." Yumichika called from the bathroom. His volume dropped. "Why does he have this? No one uses this anymore. Hair growth formula? What does he need that for? Here, Ikkaku, take this one. And why does he need three of these? They don't even work! All of this must go!"

One by one, bottles of liquid shot out of the bathroom, hitting a zoned-out Renji in the head. His world came back into focus as another bottle ricocheted off the wall behind him and hit the back of his head, sending his still-free hair into his face again. "'M bleedin' 'gain! Dis rain hurrs!" He grabbed the sides of his head again, but not before taking one of the bottles and throwing it back into the bathroom, hitting an unsuspecting Ikkaku in the head.

"Ow, you moron! Watch it!" Ikkaku yelled, already miffed because of Yumichika's gift to him.

"Now, now, Ikkaku, be nice," Yumichika chided, sorting through more of Kira's hair care products. "You know that the sake has gone to his head. Why I'd bet that if you pricked his finger, pure alcohol would come out. You can't expect him to understand right from wrong when he's this drunk. He probably doesn't even know who he threw the bottle at."

"Die, ya ugly feaddered cloud! Take yer harr rain an' nassy colors som'ere eltse!" Renji threw another bottle into the bathroom, this time connecting with the side of Yumichika's head.

Yumichika turned a violent shade of red and his feathers nearly caught on fire. "You did NOT just call me ugly, you drunk buffoon! You wouldn't know beauty if you were sent through Sarah Tay training!" (2)

"Take it easy, Yumi," Hisagi stated, walking into the bathroom. "Not many of the Sarah Tay consultants know beauty, either. You're the best one they have."

Yumi paused. "Well, when you put it that way…"

Kira bent down to look at the bottles Yumichika sorted through. "Hey, my hair gel! Why are you throwing it out?"

Yumichika gave him a droll stare. "Because, if we're going to change your hair so it doesn't interfere, then we might as well start from scratch. I'll get you all the best supplies from Sarah Tay, courtesy of Hisagi's tab, of course."

"Hey!"

"Now," Yumi said, getting up and pulling the blonde into the bathroom, "strip down and get in. I'll help you get your hair unstiffened."

Kira pulled his arm away. "Are you nuts? If you think I'm letting you into my shower, you're sadly mistaken. It's bad enough that you're in my bathroom going through my belongings!"

Yumichika sniffed. "Well then, maybe you don't need our help after all. I'll just gather this garbage and go. Come along, Ikkaku." He left the bathroom and began picking up the bottles.

"What are you doing?" Kira asked nervously.

"Now that I have the garbage, I might as well grab these unneeded bottles while I'm at it."

"Hey!" Ikkaku protested. "I am not a food reject!"

Kira scurried over to the feathered man, pleading. "Okay, okay, I'll let you guys help me. Just don't take my hair gel!"

Yumichika sighed. "Alright, I suppose I can live with that."

Kira gleefully took his hair products back and put them on their respective shelves in the bathroom.

"You still need to shower though," Yumichika reminded him.

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Kira relented. "But, I'll do it without the audience, thank you!"

Yumi's gaze narrowed. "Don't make me break my silence from earlier! I'm not afraid to blackmail you!"

Hisagi groaned. "I'm done. You two can fight all you want. I know when I'm not needed. I'm going to go join Renji in the corner." He walked over to the redhead and sat down next to him.

Renji pulled on Hisagi's hair and tried eating it. "Lickorishh…"

Hisagi sighed. I'm going to regret this…

"Listen, Yumi," Kira explained, "I'm only trying to protect you guys."

Ikkaku pounded his chest. "We're eleventh squad! We don't need protection!"

"'Ats no' wha' da gals say!" Renji yelled from his corner.

As Yumichika raised an eyebrow, Kira continued. "The humidity would be death for both of you. Ikkaku's head would swell from so much water intake that he would eventually become a water feature. And your feathers, they wouldn't last three minutes. They would melt right off."

Yumi gasped. "A-Alright, I'll leave you to your humidity then. If you need help unstiffening your hair, come out and find me. I'll be in the other room where the evil humidity can't get me." He grabbed a very confused Ikkaku by the arm and dragged him out into the main room, allowing Kira to celebrate as he closed the door and undressed.

"Really, how long does it take a man to shower?" Yumichika whined impatiently, pacing the length of the room.

"Yumi, he's only been in there a couple minutes," Hisagi stated, fending off Renji, who was trying to lick the side of his face like a lollipop. "Would you guys mind getting him off me?" he said, exasperated.

"No, I wouldn't," Ikkaku said. "I also wouldn't mind another cup of sake, but I can't exactly have that, now can I?"

Hisagi grinned. "If you get Renji off me, I can get you sake…"

Ikkaku walked over to the corner, grabbed Renji's collar and picked him up like he did to Kira before. He motioned for Hisagi to get the sake with his other hand.

Hisagi picked up the floorboards and grabbed the bottle of sake. He set the boards down again and gave the bottle to the third seat, who promptly dropped Renji back in the corner. Unfortunately for Ikkaku, Renji didn't miss what he had in his hand. "Sakeeeee!!!" Motivated, the redhead leaped for the bottle. Ikkaku flung his arm out of the way just in time.

Yumichika sighed, settling in another corner. "Oh, great, here we go again."

The trio bumped and jumped around the room, Ikkaku running from the rampant Renji and Hisagi chasing him. Hisagi finally succeeded in pinning Renji to the ground by offering his "licorice" hair as a diversion and tackling him, sitting on his back with his hands holding Renji's arms above his head. Renji's legs were free, but considering he could barely move them to begin with, Hisagi wasn't concerned.

Ikkaku was just about to pour a cup and torment Renji with it when the bathroom door opened.

(1) This is a joke that my mom and I had. She tried to type in 'surreptitiously' and spell check gave her 'scrumptious' as a first choice. It didn't fit in context at all, so needless to say, there were lots of laughs.

(2) This is the first of (most likely) many shameless plugs to occur throughout the story. This particular plug is for Barbellenel's story, Sarah Tay at the Seireitei.