AN: I sooo sorry everyone for taking so long. my comp crashed, deleting everything and making me rewrite most of what i had written. So here it is.....
Teyla sighed as Evan disappeared from the doorway and down the hall. John echoed her sigh, this would be awkward for both of them. The Athosian turned and quietly pulled a small plastic chair up to the bed side. Sheppard glanced down at the blanket covering his knees, pulling at a loose thread near the edge. The silence hung thick in the air, almost like a fog clogging his lungs. This wasn't gonna be easy. He wasn't a man of words, he had no idea what to say or how to say it. He raised his chin to look at her, finding he couldn't take his eyes off her face. He had known she was safe, they had told him again and again but he now had the proof. She was sitting next to him. She was alive and the baby was alive. Proof that what he had done had been worth it. He would be okay now. If Teyla was ashamed of him, he wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want to do. John attempted to swallow the lump in his throat but it only grew larger.
"Um, Teyla." He looked back down at his blanket again, attempting to build up his courage. He would rather face a wraith queen everyday for a week instead of this, but this was the problem and he wasn't one to run from issues.
"Yes, Colonel." The Athosian did not look up at him, her eyes cast downward. Was she really that disgusted with him? That she couldn't even look at him? He knew he had been weak. He shouldn't have let Sora mess with him, he should have hidden his pain like a true soldier. But there was nothing he could do about it now. After tonight she would not need to see him again. He had yet to share this with anyone but he would be resigning once he was released from the infirmary. Sure he would miss everyone and Atlantis but he knew they didn't want him there. He was weak and he shamed them. The whole city knew. Teyla was the only person to show it but he knew everyone else thought he was weak. Always asking how he was feeling every minute of the day and not allowing him out of the infirmary even when he could walk well enough. He knew he was a burden. The thought of leaving Atlantis was the hardest to deal with. The city had become a near constant companion, always in the back of his mind, offering her opinions after thousands of years of experience. She didn't come across as words so much as feelings. When he had first felt her presence, the feelings had confused him, not understanding where they were coming from. He had known they weren't his own and had withdrawn to his room to brood over the newest oddity in his life, not wishing to show weakness among the people he had know found himself assigned with. They had formed a strong bond. Atlantis almost acting like a surrogate mother at times. She didn't blame him, he knew that. Even now she was in the back of his mind feeding him strength and encouragement. She didn't know he was planning on leaving. He knew she would disagree and try to talk him out of it. So he had just neglected to tell her yet. Her gentle encouragement grew stronger when he felt his resolve waining, he didn't know he was going to say.
"H-How are you? Are you and the baby okay?" He stammered, swallowing his fear.
"We are both fine." Teyla said, still not meeting his eyes.
"Good." He nodded, shifting his legs so they were pulled under him, as if to protect them from the attack he thought was coming. "T-Teyla, I'm sorry for bothering you into talking to me. I-I won't talk to you anymore-"
John was about to continue but Teyla stopped him. "Why would you stop talking to me? If anything, it is I who should stop talking to you." She looked up into his eyes so John could see for the first time that there were tears brimming in her eyes, threatening to spill over but hadn't yet.
"What's wrong?" Sheppard asked, alarmed that he may have upset her to such an extent.
"This is all my fault." She suddenly broke into sobs, throwing herself on his chest and intertwining her fingers into the white scrubs he wore as if he would disappear when she let go. The Colonel jumped as she lunged at him, his panic turning into confusion as she clung to him. He slowly lifted his hands to settle on her back, rubbing gently in order to comfort her.
"I..I'm so sorry- I should h've killed...k'lled 'er when I had the chance." She stammered between sobs, her face still in his shoulder. "I-I should h've saved Tanus- gone..gone back for him."
John's surprise was apparent on his face as he lifted Teyla to meet his eyes. "You- You're not ashamed of me?"
"Why would I be ashamed of you?" Teyla asked him, her own confusion now on her face.
John swallowed, finding it hard to put his feelings into words. "I'm a burden. I was weak and let Sora get to me. I got caught. It was my fault and now you all have to take care of me." He didn't know why Teyla was asking him, she already knew all of this.
"John, I could not be more proud of how you handled what you went through and I know everyone else is too. You were strong when others would have been weak. Sora gave her best attempt in breaking you but you were not broken, you are still alive and still the John Sheppard we know and love. We have nothing to be ashamed of." Teyla said all of this, looking him straight in the eye with earnest but her gaze and voice dropped to below a whisper as she continued. "You should be angry with me. It is my fault you were forced through this. I should have killed her during the raid or have gone back for Tanus myself. My actions led to your suffering. It is my fault you are here instead of comfortable and healthy in your own bed."
"Teyla, this isn't your fault. Sora's the one who did this. Sora only. I don't blame you, no one here blames you." John told her. "Sora knew how to get to both of us and we shouldn't have let her."
The Athosian nodded, tears glimmering in her eyes.
"Tell you what. Promise you won't go making enemies with the local sadists and I won't go getting myself captured every other week. How does that sound?" The Colonel asked, sounding more like himself than he had in a very long time.
"That sounds reasonable, John." Teyla answered, feeling a weight lift from her shoulders. He didn't blame her and he was back to the non-chalant Colonel they were all used to seeing.
"Great, now." John gave her one of his brightest, crooked grins. "Think we could get some food, here? I'm starving."
"Food? Now? It's twelve at night."
"Exactly, a little midnight snack after a soul session is what we need. It's a common rule of Earth." He replied, as she stood from her chair.
"Really?" Teyla's tone disbelieving.
"Yup, right up there with stake-outs and slumber parties." His grin grew even bigger, giving her a wink. With that said, he slowly shifted his legs to hang off the bed, wincing as he moved.
"And what do you think you're doing?" The Athosian's voice was no longer friendly but stern as she placed a hand on his knee.
"Aw, come on, Teyla." John groaned. "I can walk fine and I'm nearly healed."
"Get back in bed. I will bring you food." Teyla scolded, gently helping him back into the bed. "Neither Carson nor Jennifer wish for you to be out of bed yet." John snorted as she said this, having had the speech too many times to count already. "Now you rest and I'll be back with some food."
"Yes, mom." John grumbled, jokingly "I feel sorry for your kid."
Teyla left it at that, leaving to track down some food at such an odd time of night.
AN: Again, im soo sorry for not updating sooner. hope you enjoyed this chap a little at least. i may rewrite it sooner or later. i kinda felt like i was just rambling and didn't have the emotion i wanted to put in it but i wanted to get something up for you all. please let me know what you think but again no flames. :)