EPISODE 2
Harry, Ron, Hermione, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter enter Professor Slughorn's classroom. It's very... potion-y.
Slughorn: Wait. Who are you three?
Harry: Foreign exchange?
Slughorn: (Shrugs) Yeah ok.
Harry and the gang find their seats. James and Sirius sit together, as well as Ron and Hermione. Harry and Peter look at each other and stick their hands out to play a game of rock, paper, scissors. Harry wins and quickly fills the seat next to Lupin's. Peter's forced to sit in the back by himself.
Slughorn: Take out your quills; we'll be having our exam today. (To Harry, Ron, and Hermione) Are you three related to anyone of importance?
Harry: I think my cousin's friend's babysitter's uncle twice removed invented toilet paper, sir.
Hermione: NO.
Slughorn: I'm sorry. I'm afraid you three don't exist. (Slughorn passes out the exam papers)
Ron: (Whispering to Hermione) What's the matter with him!?
Hermione: I guess we're not important enough.
Ron: Aw. Oh well, we'll get more screentime then him in the movies.
Harry: High five gang!
Slughorn: James Potter, we're in the middle of an exam!
James: That wasn't me! It was- (Looking around nervously, he points to Pettigrew.)
Two students run into the classroom late. One's a girl with red hair and green eyes; the other's a tall, skinny boy with long black hair.
Slughorn: Ah! My potion making prodigy! Nice of you to join us Evans! Sit down Severus. (The pair take seats together in the back.)
Harry, Ron, and Hermione quickly turn to look at them. James and Sirius throw a pencil at Snape. It misses and hits Peter in the face.
Hermione: (Whispering) It's Professor Snape!
Ron: Bloody hell, even I could beat up that twig. I mean look at him Hermione! The Greasy Git's even whimpier looking than Harry!
Harry: Did you just say my name Ron?
Hermione: Who's that girl he's with?
James: Oy! Lily! You've yet to answer my question.
Sirius: Come on, he needs an answer so we can get back to our bromance!
Harry: (Jumping up from his seat) That's my mother!
The whole class stares at him.
Harry: (Gangsterly) Yo Ron.. you're one baaaaad mother!
Lily: James...
James: Well hurry up, I haven't gotten all day! The Yule Ball will be here sooner than Snivellus will ever get lai-
Hermione slams her paper down.
Hermione: Yes! First one finished!
Ron takes it from her and copies the answers. He then passes the answers to Harry, Sirius, etc... How Slughorn's oblivious to all of this? I. Don't. Know.
Sirius: Lily Potter. I like the sound of that mate.
James: Why thank you. Although she might want to keep the maiden name in there for-
Sirius: Right, right, like those Muggle celebrities...
Lily: For the last time, I will NOT go to the Yule Ball with you James!
Ron hands Hermione's exam paper to Remus.
Remus: Oh, no thank you. I've already finished. I've been studying all week.
With this, Hermione perks up and flashes Remus a smile.
Remus: Would you like a piece of chocolate Hermione?
Ron: NO, NO, NO! She does NOT want a piece of chocolate! (Whispering to Hermione) What do you think you're doing?!
Hermione: I'm getting a piece of choco-
Ron: He's our Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!
Hermione: Not for another 20 or so years... Harry, will you switch with me?
Harry and Hermione swap seats and Ron is furious.
Ron: Sickening.
Harry: What is?
Ron points to Hermione and Lupin.
Hermione: I love that book! That's #13 on my list of my 100 Favorite Books of All Time!
Remus takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it. It says Remus Lupin: 100 Favorite Books of All Time.
Ron almost throws up in his mouth and Harry turns his attention to the commotion behind him.
James: Is that a ribbon on your wrist Snivellus?
Snape quickly retracts his arm and puts it under the table.
James: Training for the ballet, Snape?
Ron: (Nudging Harry) Wow. You're father is brillant.
Harry: I feel like I know him...
Ron: He made you.
Harry: No, like, I've met him before.
Ron: Because you have?
Lily: It's not a ribbon! It's a part of a root Sev and I were using for a potion we were making in the Forbidden Forest. That's why we came in late.
James: You have a condom stuck to your foot Snivelly.
Snape turns to look at his shoe.
James: Made you look.
Sirius: Will you look at that James! Lily and Snivellus! The lion and the snake.
James: How Romeo and Julietesque. Remember how that ended Snivellus?
Lily: Stop it, the both of you. For the last time, we're just friends!
Snape starts to write but breaks his pencil.
Sirius: Lily Snape. (To Ron.) Sounds disease like, don't you think?
Ron: I, uh- Harry?
Harry: ...high five gang!
Slughorn: Pettigrew! How many times have I told you, we're in the middle of an exam!
Pettigrew: Sir, I...I-
Slughorn: 2 points from Gryffindor!
Ron: Who the hell takes two points? At least Snape had the balls to take 5 points from us everytime we breathed the air around him. (Pointing to Severus.) That can't be the same guy.
Hermione: And then I said, 'it's Winguardium Leviosa!'
Remus: Woah!
Hermione: I know!
Ron: I don't think I can last one week here.
Harry doesn't pay attention to him but looks at the Mauruders and Lily and Snape.
Ron: Harry. Are you listening to me?
Harry: Why aren't my parents getting along? *Angst*
Ron: They're probably doing that whole, I love you/hate you thing. Trust me. I know exactly how that feels.
Harry: Don't you think that my fa- James and Sirius are being a bit harsh on Snape?
Ron: Are you serious? This is Snape we're talking about! Greasy, creepy, if it weren't for his velety chocolate voice I would kill myself, Professor Snape!
Remus: Ron... did you say chocolate?
Slughorn: Has everyone finished their tests?
Hermione: Considering it was only one question and my paper, as well as Remus' and Snape's, were passed around the classroom numerous times, yes.
Slughorn: I'm sorry, am I the only one who can hear that shrill humming sound?
Lily: We're all finished sir.
Slughorn: Exellent, excellent! Pass up your papers. Now... we're going to brew a very special potion! I'll be placing you in groups of two. Lily, would you please work with that hazy figure over there, I can't see her. She seems to be trapped in some fog of unimportance.
Hermione: Sir, I have a name and it is Herm-
Slughorn: There is that shrill humming again... Potter, assuming that you'll have your parents call me if you don't have it your way, you may work with Black. Remus, you may work with that orange colored hazy fog of unimportance-
Remus: We'll make an excellent team.
Ron: Kill me.
Remus: What was that?
Ron: I'm sorry. What I meant to say was, kill me.
Slughorn: And you, with the scar. You're hazy fog of unimportance is overpowered by your hazy fog of brooding. Go work with Severus over there. He's quite the brooder and potions master, next to Ms. Evan's of course.
Snape: *Angst* *Brood*
Harry: *Brood* *Angst*
Snape: *Brood* *Angst* *Brood*
Harry: Well then. Let's bottle some fame! Brew some glory! Put some stoppers in death!
Snape: Who the hell talks like that?
Harry: (Peering into the cauldron) You've already made the potion!
Snape: Lily and I have concocted Crustulum Paste several times before.
Harry: So... how long have you known my mo- Lily?
Snape gives him a narrows glance
Snape: Since we were nine. She and her annoying older sister live in my neighborhood.
Harry: Aunt Petunia...
Snape: What did you just say?!
Harry: My scar is in the shape of a lightning bolt!
Remus: So Ron... is there anything going on between you and Hermione? I noticed some unresolved sexual tension and I thought it would only be right of me to ask.
Ron: What?! Between me and Hermione!? Ha! Don't make me laugh!
Remus: I wasn't trying to, but ok...
Ron: Why... what are you planning?
Remus: I was wondering if I could, well, if I could ask her to go to the Yule Ball with me...
Sirius: Dammit Remus I was going to take her!
Remus: Well, what do you say?
Ron: I- I-
Remus: You look quite ill Ron. Here (giving him a piece of chocolate). It helps. It really does.
Hermione: Sirius just told me! I would love to go to the Yule Ball with you Remus!
Ron gags on the chocolate.
Lily: Good choice Hermione. Out of those three-
Peter: Four!
Lily: Out of those three, Remus is the noblest one.
Hermione: (Whispering) Who are you planning on going with?
Lily: (Whispering) I'm not sure.
Hermione: (Whispering) Why don't you go with Sirius?
Lily: (Whispering) I was kind of hoping someone would take me, but some people are (talking loudly) too afraid to ask!
Hermione hands Lily a piece of chocolate and they start nervous eating.
Sirius: Do you have any idea what we're supposed to be doing?
James: No clue...
Sirius: Add three cups of flour, one egg...
James: Merlin, this is intense!
Harry: Do you think they've figured out that Slughorn told us to make cookies?
Snape: (Pointing to Hermione and Lily's table) They're decorating theirs.
Harry: I'm Harry by the way.
Snape: Severus.
Harry: *Brood*
Snape: *Angst*
Next On FLASHBACK, WE'RE ALL IDIOTS
Sirius: Why does this taste like crap!?
-
Remus: Ron! It needs more CHOCOLATE!
-
Hermione: ...and this one I decorated to look like Remus. Who's that one supposed to be?
Lily: I tried to make it look like Sev.
Hermione: If you really relax your eyes, it kind of looks Wonder Woman
Lily relaxes her eyes.
Lily: Well will you look at that...