EPISODE 3
The Marauders, Lily and Snape, and our trio head off to Transfigurations class. Today the students were to sit in desks and learn nothing.
Ron: (Talking to a cat) Wow! Professor McGonagall was quite the looker back in the day. Oh Minerva...
McGonagall: I'm a cat. Meow.
Ron: Professor, I happen to know a spell that allows me to turn my ex-rat into a furry water goblet. Perhaps I can show you sometime-
McGonagall: Meow.
Ron: Well then. You've certainly matured over the past two decades. Go on, bugger off.
Harry: Why the hell are you flirting with a cat?
Ron: It's not a cat, it's Professor McGonagall!
Harry: You mean that hot babe over there by the chalkboard?
Ron: Oh Minerva...
(The Real) McGonagall: Yes Gryffindor student I have never seen in my life before?
Ron: I wanted to know if, if...
McGonagall: Go on child...
Ron: If.. if.. (He grabs a piece of chocolate from Remus and starts nervous eating)
Lily: So... about the Yule Ball...
Snape: Yes? Yes?
Lily: I was wondering if...
Snape: Yes?!
Lily: If you'd...
James: Lily! Perhaps this will woo your affections!
Snape: *Brood*
Lily: It's a water goblet. Made of feathers. This is pointless.
James: Made it myself.
Sirius: Didn't that orange kid-
James: Shh!
Lily: Go away!
Sirius: I think she likes it.
Hermione: ...but what I really can't stand, Remus, are people who keep deep dark secrets and refuse to talk to anyone about them...
Remus: (Nervously) Ha...ha... what... kinds... of... secrets?
Hermione: Oh. You know... anything that gets hairy under the moonlight.
Remus: I don't under-
Hermione: Wow. That sounded a lot more dirty than I wanted it to.
Harry: So let me get this straight. You're flirting with Mrs. Norris- a cat, to get McGonagall jealous, to get Hermione jealous?!
Ron: Sounds about right, yeah.
Harry: That's bloody brilliant!
Hermione: Isn't it strange that the eight of us-
Peter: Nine!
Hermione: That the eight of us keep talking and messing about in class, but the teachers don't really seem to care?
Remus: It's the seventies. Everything's groovy.
Hermione: If this were a musical, we'd have a dance sequence right about now.
Lily: So... about the Yule Ball...
Snape: Yes!?
Lily: Do you have anything to... comment, about... it?
Snape: I- I- I'm in charge of... finding a musical act for it?
Lily: Really?!
Snape: No, but since I told you I was, I can't go back on my word and now I'm going to have to find someone to play for us!
Lily: Relax Sev! It's not like you made an Unbreakable Vow or something...
Snape: Ha! Like I'll ever do that!
Lily: So... is there really nothing you'd like to, you know, say about the Ball?
Snape: ...
Lily: ...
Snape: Would-
Lily: James!
James: Yes?
Lily: I guess I'll go to the Yule Ball with you...
Harry: Yay parents!
James: If this were a musical, we'd have a dance sequence right about now.
Snape: *Brood* *Angst* *Brood*
Hermione: Why does Ron keep talking to that cat?!
Remus: I've never been fond of cats...
Hermione: And why is that?
Remus: Because I'm a werewo- no particular reason whatsoever!
Hermione: Ron! What do you think you're doing?
Ron: What does it look like?
Hermione: You're meowing like an idiot.
Ron: You're just jealous! You know what? You could use a good cat call yourself. Why don't you go tell wolfy over there to give you a howl!
Hermione: Jealous? Ha!
Ron: Meow.
Hermione: Ron.
Ron: Meow, Purr...
Hermione: Ronald! Stop that and let me talk to you!
Ron: Can't, sorry. I'm scheduled to flirt with Minerva over there in three seconds.
Hermione: Can't you just be civilized for-
Ron: 1, 2, 3. Oh Minerva...
Lily: Oh James, I didn't realize how amazingly messy your hair is. It's perfect!
Snape: *Brood*
Harry: Are you alright?
Snape: I've lost my best friend and the girl I've been in love with since childhood!
Harry: Sorry about your mom...
Snape: Not my mom you idiot!
Harry: Oh right, right.
Snape: Maybe I should immerse my brooding teenage self into the Dark Arts.
Harry: Don't be silly. Become a drunk or take up a hobby instead.
Snape: What kind of hobby?
Harry: I don't know. Hermione reads books, I play Quidditch, Ron... gets scared by things. And flirts with cats.
Snape: And to top it all off, I have to find someone to play at the Yule Ball!
Harry: ...why don't you take up a musical instrument?
Snape: That sounds cheesy enough for me to do it. Alright. What's that one Muggle instrument... you know, the one with the hole in the middle, and the neck, with the nuts on the end.
Harry: Gross.
Snape: Wow, I know. It's the one that those four guys from Liverpool use. It sounds like... guitar...
Harry: A guitar.
Snape: Excellent! Where can I find one of those?
Harry: You're a wizard. Can't you just poof one out of thin air?
Snape: Oh yeah! Thanks Harry. (Snape twirls his wand around the air) Guitarius Pooficus! (A guitar appears out of nowhere. Sweeeet.)
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: What?!
Hermione: (Whispering) What are you doing!?
Harry: I just inspired Professor Snape to become a rock star to win back my mom.
Hermione: You idiot! Do you realize what you're doing?!
Harry: What? He's perfect for it. Broody attitude, greasy long rocker hair, legs that can totally rock skinny jeans...
Hermione: Lily and James are supposed to get together so that you can be born!
Harry. I did not think this through. Whatever... it's not like Snape's ever going to spontaneously become anywhere near mildly attractive, I mean, look at that!
He points to an over emotional Snape who's watching Lily and James. Snape take outs a piece of paper and writes Lyrics on the top of it
Harry: Relax Hermione, your constant need to express your maternal instincts wont be needed in this situation.
Harry gets a paper cut
Harry: (To Hermione) Mummy!
Sirius: Oy James! Did you hear? Sydney's passed out in the infirmary. Pomfrey's been checking up on him, but to further this story and add more to the non existent plot, we have no seeker for Wednesday's match!
James: I'm sorry Sirius, what did you say? I can't hear you over all the snogging!
Snape: (Talking to himself as he writes on the paper) Lily, you are like a flower... because lilies are type of flowers... no damn it! Uh... Lily... you have nice skin... I CAN'T DO THIS!
Snape crumples up the paper and shoots it in the trash, but instead, James catches it.
James: Look what the Greasy Git tried to get rid of... something about... flowers?
Snape: Give it here Potter.
Harry: Oh this is all too familiar.
Lily: Give it back James.
James: Sirius! Catch!
McGonagall watches as Harry intercepts the ball of paper and gives it back to Snape.
McGonagall: You there! The one that looks suspiciously like James Potter! I wish to speak to you after class.
Ron: I can't believe you Harry!
Harry: What Ron?
Ron: You're trying to steal my girlfriend!
Harry: Professor McGonagall is old enough to be your mum.
Ron: Your mum's old enough to be your mum.
Harry: Ron...
Ron: Oh right, sorry mate. I forgot we stopped doing "your mum" jokes.
James: Oy Harry, what are you playing at?
Harry: What are you talking about dad?
James: Dad? You're a strange one, you know that Puppet?
Harry: Puppet?
James: That is your last name, isn't it?
Harry: Oh right, right. Please, continue.
James: What are you doing defending Snivellus like that? I thought you were a Gryffindor!
Harry: (Checking the patch on his robe just to make sure) Oh, will you look at that...
Sirius: He's even more disappointing than my younger brother.
McGonagall: Class dismissed! Puppet, I wish to speak to you.
Harry: Professor, I would appreciate it if you would just refer to me by my first name.
McGonagall: Oh nonsense! Only Albus is personable enough to do that. Now, I'm sure you're quite aware that our house is in need of a seeker for Wednesday's match.
Harry: ...
McGonagall: Follow me.
Harry followed McGonagall down the corridor towards another classroom.
McGonagall: Professor Slughorn. May I see Longbottom?
Slughorn: Ah! Minervera yes, yes. Frank! Please see youself out-
McGonagall: Mr. Longbottom, I believe I have found you a new seeker.
Harry: This was so much cooler the first time around...
McGonagall: Young Puppet here caught paper ball from across the classroom.
Frank: Impressive. What else can you do?
Harry: I've killed a basilisk, produced a patronus, and survived the killing curse.
Frank: Well... you've certainly got a sense of humor!
NEXT ON FLASHBACK, WE'RE ALL IDIOTS
Harry: Ron.
Ron: Meow.
Harry: That's a stuffed animal.
Ron: It's so life-like!
Harry: (Patting Ron on the shoulder) It's ok. It could have happened to anyone.
-
Sirius: Give me your lunch money punk!
Kid: Sirius, it's me, your little brother!
Sirius: Oh, sorry Reg.
Regulus: That's ok.
Sirius:...
Sirius: Give me your lunch money!
Peter: You can have my money Sirius!
-
Harry: Oh hath thou love returneth to me? Your auburn hair flies in the wind like water in the sea, so peaceful yet so fierce. Emerald eyes pierce through my heart like a spear- yeah Snape. This kind of blows. Maybe you ought to write a song from the heart-
Snape: Ok... (writing) Lily... you're hot.
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