in the spirit of failing my second chemistry midterm [thus officially stamping my froshmore status for next year on my forhead], the new sick of sarah EP being out on iTunes [if you haven't bought it, do it. cause i'm making you. and autograph is fucking amazing. i've had it on repeat for the past hour or so. abisha uhl = love.], the lady not wrapping my burrito right [which made it fall apart on me], forgetting to set my alarm this morning [making me miss my spanish class], i decided to post this.
it seems short, cause there are no words, but i assure you it was kinda long. lol.
i wanted to write, but didn't know where to take the next chapter. so i decided to dive into ashley's head a litte further. on a more personal level.
Disclaimer: And if it's still surprising to you, like it is to me, no I do not own South of Nowhere, or Athlete, or, well pretty much anything. Just me, my laptop, my spiffy ass sunglasses, oh and now the new sick of sarah EP and my froshmore status.
--------------
The Carlin's had always scared Ashley beyond belief. In fact, the only one she had ever been slightly comfortable around was Mr. C himself. The same man that had saved her and Spencer from the psychotic guy in the middle of nowhere, the same man that had accepted her relationship with Spencer from day one, the same man that had given his consent to Ashley to ask Spencer to marry her.
Paula Carlin had been a completely different story. Ashley had feared that women more than she feared the CIA. Paula Carlin had never been her biggest fan, and with good reason. She had seen the side of Ashley that everybody had seen. The party girl, the girl who slept with everybody, did drugs, and drank herself to oblivion every night. What Paula Carlin didn't see, refused to see, was the Ashley that Spencer had seen. The Ashley that had stopped the drugs and drinking for Spencer, the Ashley that had stayed up simply waiting to hear the younger blondes voice before she drifted to sleep. The Ashley that was totally and completely heels over head in love with Spencer Carlin.
The walls were built, and the restrictions out in the open. Paula Carlin had despised Ashley, forbid her daughter from seeing her. They had gone through hell and back, both Paula and Ashley refusing to give up the fight for Spencer. In the end Paula had learned to live with her daughter's sexual preference, and eventually with Ashley. In fact, the two had been on good terms before her and Spencer had dissolved. Paula even, albeit hesitatingly, given Ashley permission to ask Spencer for her hand in marriage.
It was so long ago that those things had happened; it had been so long since she had first fallen for the beautiful blonde hair, blue eyed teenager of her dreams. She had thought the world of Spencer, whether or not the younger girl realized it. She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment that she fell in love with the younger girl, but she was sure she had always loved her. Even from the moment that she had spilled her coffee all over the floor in an attempt to help Ashley out.
Their relationship had never been easy, the two spent more time defending their relationship than actually having one, but Ashley had been determined to fight for it every step of the way. They had broken up and gotten back together a couple of times, but after the whole prom incident Ashley had promised herself to make it right, to show Spencer just how much she did love her, how much of the brunette's heart she held with her, no matter if they were together or not.
Maybe it was the pressure of her parents, maybe it was the pressure of society, maybe it was the pressure of Ashley, but for whatever reason the girls hadn't been able to pull it together in the end. Ashley had learned to accept that maybe love was just not in the cards for her. It had been almost two years to the day since she and Spencer had that fateful argument. Ashley had learned to accept her faults in the break up, she had learned that her pressure on Spencer couldn't have been healthy at all. However, she did defend herself in saying that she had never loved anybody more than she had loved Spencer, and didn't think she ever would, thus the basis of her pressure on Spencer to make the decision to stay with her for college.
It was a little bit of a surprise to her when both of the elder Carlin's engulfed her in a hug and greeted her. Paula had commented on how the girl needed more meat on her bones, and Arthur had told Ashley how they had missed her.
She had never had a real family, aside from Kyla who she adored, but not a large family. After all was said and done she had considered the Carlin's as her family. They had taken her in and included her in everything. She had missed them immensely and couldn't help the big smile that proceeded to take home on her face that evening.
Dinner had gone over well. There was only a couple of slightly awkward moments as the older Carlin's had asked about her love life, she had quietly told them that she was currently not dating or looking to date, and even more awkwardly attempted to take the spotlight off of her by directing a question towards Spencer. After that the topic of discussion had been none other than Felisha herself. The girl who was currently not at dinner, yet she had still managed to keep her presence in the Carlin's life.
It had bothered Ashley a little, if she was being honest. She had started to feel herself being wanted; she had wanted to be in the Carlin's life like Felisha was. She had wondered if they still thought of her, and on the off chance that they had, she wondered if they had thought good things of her.
She had never been one to worry about what others thought of her, it just wasn't her style, but as her younger self started to mature into an adult she found herself caring. She had especially cared with the Carlin's, the only family she had ever had, the only family that she had ever really wanted.
Acceptance had never come easily to her. She was either shunned for her sexuality or for her lack of family, both things she could not change. She had done the best she could while growing up. She had to learn everything on her own, and attempt to stay out of the madness that was L.A., unfortunately that didn't go over too well. There were too many parties and too many people who she couldn't remember, and she was slowly on the path to addiction and loneliness.
It had taken one girl to pull her out from it all. One girl who had promised the world to her. One girl who had fought for her until she couldn't fight anymore.
Naivety is a beautiful thing, it really truly is. It's a whimsical emotion, a state of mind that can easily put you wherever you wanted to be. It could tell you that everything was perfect with your life and that at the age of 17 you had everything figured out. It could tell you that your girlfriend had wanted nothing more than to share her life with you and that she would be content holding herself back for you. It had told you that proposing was the best thing you could have done at your age and that you were ready for all of the complications that life had in store for you and your fiancé.
Naivety is a cruel thing, it really truly is. It's a whimsical emotion, a state of mind that can easily take you out of your element and rip all of your dreams away from you. It could be false and lie and pretend to be something that it wasn't. It could rip you away from the one person who had ever meant anything to you. It could deceive you and make you believe that you were wanted. It could make you selfish and carefree and it could smack you in the face when you least expect it.
That's what naivety had done to Ashley. She had foolishly believed that at a young age she had found everything she was looking for, that she was ready to settle down and be with somebody for the rest of her life.
Had she realized that she was making one of the most selfish moves in her life by asking Spencer to marry her and give up her dreams to be with her, she would have waited.
Sure, she had been naïve in thinking that Spencer had wanted these things, it would have been a true fairy tale, however Ashley knew that no such thing existed.
So when Spencer had finally pulled the plug on their relationship, she was shocked, sure. That would have been the understatement of the world, but at the same time she expected it. Her naivety had let her down yet again, and showed her just how cruel the fates could really be.
They had showed her that she was just like every other teenager in the world, still trying to find out what life had in store for her. The fates had given her a wakeup call that she had needed for a long time.
The wakeup call that would hopefully lead her back to Spencer.
She had never been one to believe in fate either, but when I came to Spencer Carlin she was sure that Spencer was her fate. She had spent the last two years moping around, realizing that she had screwed everything up, and not doing anything with her life.
Two years had passed, and now it was time to show Spencer what she was made of.
revissssless?! wow, that looks as lame in print as it sounded in my head.
anyway, please review. :)