Axel picked up his backpack and dropped it onto the floor. He sat in the arm chair and his facial expression was intense. It was a mixture of rage, hopelessness, and longing. Roxas was almost afraid of what was to come.

Demyx and Zexion stood.

"We'll leave you two alone," Demyx explained. "This might be easier to do without an audience."

They disappeared up the stairs.

Axel sat in silence, eyes cast downward on the beige carpet. He didn't move and, if Roxas didn't know better, it looked as though he wasn't even breathing.

"You don't have to do this, you know," Roxas whispered. "I could leave."

"You have a right to know," Axel said, his voice quiet as though he were at a funeral—maybe even his own. "I just haven't told many people about these things. Like you said, I'm not really a people person. I just don't know where to start…"

"The beginning, maybe?"

A smile ghosted onto Axel's lips. "Yes, Roxas. Very clever. That does seems like a good place to start. First of all, you should know a couple things. Axel isn't my birth name. It's Alex. But I changed it when I joined that carnival. You'll know why soon enough. Also, I'm not 17. I'm 20. But I'm sure that you could have guessed that part.

"Anyways, as you know, my parents died when I was really young. I lived in an orphanage for most of my childhood. It was a stereotypical orphanage like you'd see in the movies. The roof leaked, there was barely enough food to go around. But I had no where else to go. Though, I assure you, the other kids wish that I was gone. I'm… different. My looks especially. My hair was the main thing, I think. Because it's… different. That'd one of the things I despise about this world. How people are ridiculed for not being a cookie cutter copy of everyone else. Regardless, newlywed couple always had an interest in me, then they saw how the other children treated me, and didn't want a kid who wouldn't have any friends. So, obviously I was never adopted. But the orphanage was eventually shut down when I was 17 because it couldn't afford to take car of us anymore. We were all put into foster homes. The orphanage was better. Do don't I ever once had those people's full attention. They had no other kids so I had no one to interact with. They didn't send me to school. I don't think I ever even left the house. It's horrible, but I think they only interaction I ever had with my foster father was when he would come home drunk and pull me out of bed, literally, and yell at me for being such 'an ungrateful little fuck.'"

"I'm sorry," Roxas muttered. He couldn't image what it would have been like to never have real parents."

"Oh don't worry, it gets worse." Axel let out a sad little chuckle. "He wasn't just verbally abusive—physically too. He always denied it, though. I don't even think he remembered what he did to be after he sobered up. One time, I was out in the garage getting a light bulb. He came home and dented his car on the cabinet that I'd left open. He called me back outside and started screaming about how I'd dented his god damned convertible. I apologized and said I'd work to pay for it. Instead, he decided to pick up a shovel and hit be back in the head with it. It knocked me out, but I guess he hit me again when I was already down because I woke up in the hospital with a fractured vertebrae and missing tissue. Check it out."

He stood and turned around, pulling up the back of his shit. Underneath his left shoulder blade, there was a dent about the size of a fist. The skin was rough and discolored. Roxas' stomach churned again.

"As soon as I was discharged, I was out. I got back to their house, my back all stitched up, packed my shit, and left. Unlike Demyx and Zexion, I wasn't even on the streets for 24 hours before I stumbled across that carnival. It was packing up to leave and I hopped in one of the storage trailers and hitched a ride out of that place. Of course they found me stowing away at the next stop. They weren't mad. Apparently they get kids hitching along with them a lot, which was made evident when they put me to work setting up attractions with kids who looked like they hadn't even hit puberty yet. From the way I saw it, everyone started out as laborers and some work their way up to performers. Which is exactly what I did. I didn't want to be doing grunt work for the rest of my life and I couldn't leave the place because I had nowhere else to go. I'd always had a thing for fire, I think. The way it dances… almost like the way a woman dances… so limber. Makes me hot kind of thinking about it."

"Fire… makes you horny?" Roxas was a little sketched out.

"Everyone has their fetishes," Axel defended. "Give me a break. At least it's not for feet. But I digress. It took a lot of effort and I have quite a few burns from the process but I eventually was good enough for Xemnas to give me a shot. My first performance was a bang and Xemnas made me headliner for his stunt show. This was when I changed my name to Axel. Xemnas said that 'Alex' as interesting of a name to put on fliers—it wasn't one people would remember. And I was okay with the change. I never liked my name anyways. My shows though— I only think that people came to see me in hopes that I fuck up—same with Zexion's shows. I got burnt more than they know—burns of all degrees. But I never let the audience know. I would never give them the pleasure, the bunch of sickos. I built up a tolerance. Burns actually are pleasurable now I think."

"What sorts of fire… things… did you do?"

Axel smiled. "Maybe I'll show you someday."

Someday. Why was his answer always "someday?"

"So yeah. I was a pyro. You get that. But none of this is really what I needed to tell you. The center of this entire thing is two people. Riku and Xemnas. Riku was a stage hand like myself when I first joined. And he always was one. But we became close. He came from an abusive home, like I did, only his was by the hand of his real father and for much longer. He was a great guy. I fell in love with him. The first time that I'd ever felt genuine caring for anyone, even myself. It was strange, yet over powering. But lucky for me, he returned those feelings. Unluckily for me, Xemnas had developed some sort of fascination for me too. He was always watching me. I had to black out the windows on the trailer that I shared with Riku because I was afraid that he'd be watching me sleep. But that didn't stop him from keeping a close eye on me during the working hours. He was at everyone one of my shows, regardless of what duties had to be done elsewhere.

"One day, after a performance, I was on my way back to my trailer, exhausted as always. Xemnas popped up out of nowhere, taking me completely off guard. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me into his trailer. I'm you can tell by looking at me that I'm not that built of a guy, and especially with how tired I was after 30 minutes of performing, I was in no state to fight him off. He got me inside easily and tried to get me on pinned on his filthy bed. I may not be strong, but I'm fast. I managed to make my way around him and out of the place. I ran straight to my trailer and locked the doors, not telling anyone. I didn't even tell Riku what happened. I didn't want him getting involved with a guy like Xemnas. Part of me were almost thankful that he had decided to go out with Demyx and Zexion rather than go with me back to our trailer. Even though is he was, there was a possibility that Xemnas wouldn't have made his move. But then there was the possibility that he still would have acted, but if Riku had gotten in the way, Xemnas might have snapped his neck. At this point, I realized how dangerous this place was for us. I'd always known that the place was risky, but Xemnas had brought me to the point where I was willing to forfeit free food and shelter to get Riku and me away from that mad man. I told Xemnas the next day that we were resigning and of course he brought up the fact that Riku and I were bound to stay with the carnival until an ailment arose to where we could no longer perform, just like he tells everyone else that tries to quit. But then he gave me a 'special offer' as he called it. He said he would allow me and Riku to leave… if I slept with him. If not, we were bound to stay. Of course I refused.

"When I got back to the trailer, Riku wasn't there. He had jobs to do unpacking and getting ready to open the park. I took it upon myself to pack our bags in preparation to run away. But it seems Xemnas was way ahead of me. When Riku never came home that night, I got worried. It wasn't until a little boy came knocking on my door and told me that Xemnas wanted me did I understand what he had up his sleeve. I went to his trailer and barged in. Xemnas was there… with Riku. I thought he was unconscious… his hands and feel bound." Axel paused and swallowed hard. He was clenching and unclenching his fists. "I had no choice. I had to do what Xemnas wanted me to. He tied my hands to the bed posts and took off my clothes. I didn't resist. I needed to save Riku. He did horrible things to me… and I just took it. I felt so god damn filthy. I hated myself for it. And if him violating me wasn't enough, when it was all over, he carved these into my hands… so I'd remember who I belonged to an who my superior was…"

He pulled off his gloves and there were two horizontal T's that ran across his palms. So that was why Axel was so protective of his gloves.

"What are they supposed to be?" Roxas asked.

Instead of words, Axel showed him. He put both of his ands together so that the lines connected.

"The letter I?"

Axel shook his head. "The roman number one. So that I'd always remember that no matter what, he'd outrank me. That no matter what, I would always just be the lowly scum of the earth." His words ended in what was almost a growl. He tugged his gloves back on rested his arms on the armrests, clenching his fists tight.

"Then he untied me disappeared into his bathroom to clean himself off. I went to Riku… I tried to wake him up. I was in no condition to carry him. But he wouldn't. He wouldn't wake up… Xemnas… Xemnas had already killed him. There were marks on his neck. He had strangled Riku. Because he 'didn't want anyone else to have their way like me' like he had, he said. It was all for nothing. I let him humiliate me, let him touch me, let him spill my blood. And all this time… my lover's corpse was a few feet away. He had tricked me, made a fool out of me." Axel's voice began to waiver and small tremors began to travel down his body. "I ran. But I didn't know where to go. I couldn't even bare to go back to my trailer for my things… because everything that reminded me of… of Riku was still there. I lived in the woods nearby for a couple days. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. All I can remember doing is screaming. Over and over again. I thought I had gone crazy. But then I realized that I had to go back and get Demyx and Zexion. Riku would have wanted that. I couldn't let my last remaining connections to my love to be at risk of being hurt like him and I were. In the middle of the night, I snuck back into their trailer and woke them. When I asked them if they knew what happened, they said Xemnas had told them that Riku was sick and had to be taken to the hospital. I don't know why they believed him. That selfish man would never seek professional health care for anyone besides himself. I told them the truth and they agreed to run with me. Demyx told us he had a brother in Twilight Town that would take us in. I told them to pack while I took care of some business.

"Xemnas' trailer was unlocked, almost as though he were expecting someone. He was asleep in the bed where he did such terrible things to me. And Riku's body was gone. Even now I don't want to imagine what he could have possibly done I don't know what happened to me then. I grabbed the letter opener—the same one he used on me-- and I threw myself at him. The letter opener found its own way, I didn't even guide it. It went right though Xemnas' heart. He didn't even wake up as I did it…"

It was true…. Axel was a murder. He had actually stabbed a man to death.

"Axel… you're a murder," was all he could manage.

"Roxas please," Axel whispered. "I told you this in hopes you would accept me as I am. Not so you could ridicule me. Roxas… I need someone there for me… to help me…"

"Everything that's happened to you, I could accept. But, Axel, you're a criminal. A felon. I fucking murderer! You should be in prison."

"But.. he killed Riku."

"It doesn't matter. Murder is still murder. You should have reported him!" Roxas got to his feet and started heading to the door.

"I'm sorry, Roxas. I didn't know what else to do…" Axel bent over and clenched his hands into his wild main, tugging roughly. "Please… don't go…"

"No, Axel. I won't associate myself with a murderer."

"Please… Riku… don't go."

"Riku's dead, Axel."

And with that, Roxas left, slamming the door behind him. He was opening the gate when a blood curdling scream of agony erupted from the house. Roxas turned to see Demyx, Zexion, and who Roxas assumed to be Cloud rush into the living room and crowd around Axel, who was still doubled over in the chair. There seemed to be some exchange of words, then everyone turned and looked out the window, directly at Roxas.

Roxas ran.

~*~*~

A/N: Ooooh this is getting good. I went through an entire bag of sunflower seeds writing this. I think they're my plotting food. If I don't get lots of reviews I'm going to cry… and then take forever to update. So review pleeeeease!!! I neeeed attention!!!!

Also, I just moved into my dorm (love my roommate. So glad I chose her.) so I'll have plenty of time from here on out to be writing new chapters. Tell me you love me. I have Chokechain by 3OH!3 stuck in my head too .

Love, Shelbs