Chapter Three: Wile E's Prestidigitation
Daffy had just taken the bus home from the Bleeding Hearts Medical Center. He was feeling good, which was a first for him for the past few months. "Ah… I feel great!" the duck proclaimed. "You were right, Wile E. Therapy IS good for me!"
"You see?" the coyote said.
"Did you talk about me?" Bugs asked.
"A little," Daffy said. "I just mentioned that you got kicked out in the street right after our cancellation in 2004."
Wile E. then asked, "Did you mention your Pixar grudge?"
"Yeah," Daffy answered.
"By the way, I just got an email from Scooby-Doo," the coyote began. "He said that Lisa Judson is leaving Warner Bros. Animation."
"WHAT?!" Daffy was shocked. "She didn't even get to use us in any new productions yet!"
"I know," Bugs frowned. "Dat T-Works site we've heard about for months isn't in service yet, and it's already spring 2008!"
"The new president will merely be the guy in charge of Warner Bros. Television. So I doubt we'd be treated with respect like Lisa Judson promised," Wile E. explained.
Daffy said, "As long as they don't bring back Sander Schwartz to Termite Terrace, we might be fine. Or the Cartoon Network boss takes over!"
"Forget it," the coyote said. "The Cartoon Network boss already hates us."
"You're right," Daffy said. "And I suppose you guys are all aware of Pixar's latest movie coming out?"
" 'Wall-E?'" Bugs asked. "Ha! We couldn't care less. At least it's not a talking animal film, like dat 'Ratatouille' was!"
"I hope this isn't going to be a repeat of the whole 'Ratatouille' ordeal from last year," the coyote said.
Daffy laughed. "Not a chance! Now that I'm in therapy, we might be able to reform! And I still want to thank you for stopping that Pixar assault. I don't know WHAT I was thinking!"
"And I don't know what I was thinking, since I nearly shot Sylvester just because he was messed up from the failure of the attack," Wile E. added. "I want to thank you guys for stopping me from doing something crazy."
"Don't mention it," Daffy said. "I'm definitely mentioning this at my next appointment with Dr. I.C. Spots."
…
Later that week, Daffy was with Isobel again. He was saying, "…and I was kicked out of my house by those corporate idiots at Cartoon Network! I then went to live with Wile E. Coyote, where I still do today."
"So, you're saying this evil boss at Cartoon Network hates you 'toons?" Isobel asked.
"YES!" Daffy said. "He often tosses me out the window of his office. I had to do something. So I got this plan. I find out about a Russian assembly going on at a tractor warehouse not too far from here, so I disguise myself and call up some of the major Cartoon Network stars, including the Kids Next Door, Teen Titans, the cast of 'Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends' and Dexter and Dee-Dee. They all come and think it's a charity performance. But when they found out they were performing for Soviet army members…"
Dr. Spots said, "I thought the Soviet Union broke up many years ago."
"Oh, sorry," Daffy corrected. "Well anyways, when they found out, the cops came and accused the Cartoon Network characters of being Russian comrades! At first, it look like I won, but then the boss found out, and boy, did I get it! And as if that weren't enough, at one point, Dee-Dee wound up framing Bugs Bunny by accident, so Wile E. and I had to bust Bugs out of prison. Then he went to live with us. We were then asked to star in 'Bah, Humduck: A Looney Tunes Christmas.' It was one of my biggest roles to date!"
Isobel began writing something in her clipboard, with the words "DESPARATE TO BE A STAR" being the easiest to make out.
…
The next day, Daffy found Wile E. Coyote holding a large black case. "What's in the case?" Daffy asked.
"It's my new magic kit," Wile E. explained. "I decided to take up performing magic as a hobby. Maybe even earn some money off performances. Merlin the Magic Mouse gave this to me."
"Oh no," Bugs said. "You're not making ME da rabbit in your top hat!"
The coyote laughed. "No, I'll figure out how it works." He opened it up, and said "Wow! Look at this cool stuff."
They checked out what was in the magic kit. There was a trick handcuff, a pocket watch for hypnosis, a rope, a long chain of silk scarves, a black magic wand, a deck of trick cards, the old ball-under-the-shell trick, and even a magician's jacket and top hat.
"Neat!" Daffy said. "But where's the equipment for sawing a lady in half?"
"I'm not ready for that," the coyote explained. "This is for beginners." He then pulled on the black tuxedo jacket and checked out his reflection in the mirror. "This feels really great!" he said. "I'll look more like a professional magician in this for sure." He checked out a trick sleeve meant for hiding things.
Daffy tried on the top hat and asked, "You got a stage name yet?"
"I've been thinking of one," Wile E. said. "How about Wile E. the Magnificent?"
Bugs shook his head. "Eh, too boring."
"How about Coyot-zo?" Daffy asked.
Bugs and Wile E. looked at each other. "Blech!" they said in unison.
"Dat's just horrible!" Bugs said, making a face.
"Sorry," Daffy said sheepishly.
Then Bugs added, "Besides, a bigger concern is dat 'Kung Fu Panda' movie coming out."
"Ugh!" Daffy made a face. "That looks just awful!"
"Worse than 'Ratatouille?'" Wile E. asked.
"No, just as bad!" Daffy complained. "Heck, Wall-E looks actually GOOD compared to that talking-rat crap!"
"I wonder what it'd be like if Pixar had a flop?" Bugs asked.
"In your dreams!" Wile E. said. "I have seen each one be a mega-success. Pixar won't be going anywhere for a while."
"Yeah, but it'd be pretty interesting if that happened…" Daffy said.