Chapter 2!
Title: "Rough"
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
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"Gil…" I couldn't say anything else…. There was rarely a time when I couldn't find any words, this was one of those times.
I couldn't think of anything other than his name.
He had gotten so serious.
He looked like he was in so much pain, just saying these things.
… So what could I possibly say?
His hand was reaching towards my hair.
His hand was bigger than I expected… I kept forgetting about how different we had become.
"I was always scared that you were… happier… wherever you went." His words were a little slurred, but I could tell that he still meant them. "But I kept looking for you… kept hoping that I would be with you again."
I realized just how much I didn't know about Gil and what he had to go through all those years.
I would've never thought that he had missed me that much.
I would've never thought anybody would've missed me.
I looked into his yellow-green eyes that were still slightly glazed over by the alcohol.
He was staring back so intensely…. Gil was never able to look me in the eye that way.
He would always look away from me, like he was ashamed of something…
Something was different now.
"And here we are…" A weak, nostalgic, smile lifted his solemn face a little. His smile wasn't how I remembered it, it wasn't as bright. He never smiled that much anymore. I wanted to lift my hands to his face. To break whatever spell was keeping him from smiling.
Before I could react or say anything, I felt his fingers weave into my hair, his fingertips reaching farther.
I felt his other hand lift from lying heavily on my shoulder to the side of my face.
His hands… I loved the way they felt.
With one of his hands in my hair, the other one curved around my face. It felt like he was holding me.
It was always one of my greatest comforts to be held.
Especially by Gil.
But I still wasn't used to being touched… by anyone.
I felt a little nervous.
Gil's thumb started rubbing across my cheek.
I didn't really pay attention to it.
I kept looking at his face.
He looked so interested in something, fascinated.
His thumb accidentally brushed my lip.
It tickled a little; I didn't think much of it.
I felt his thumb brush over my lips, purposefully this time.
Gil's thumb was kind of rough.
He brushed back and forth, pressing harder.
I felt my heart thump a little loudly against my ribcage.
This really wasn't normal…
Me and Gil have always been close, a lot closer when we were younger, but he never treated me like this before… he never looked at me that way… I had never wanted to reach for him like I wanted to in that moment.
"Gil?" I managed to say his name again, trying to get his attention. Didn't he think that this was getting a little strange, too?
His thumb pressed harder when my lips moved.
He almost touched my tongue.
His other hand curled around the back of my head, I felt him push me forward.
His thumb left quickly.
I felt lips on mine.
My eyes widened in shock. I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything.
Why couldn't I do anything!?
His lips started moving against mine… it felt…. really… really….
….
His arm suddenly wrapped around my back, pulling me in closer.
I had always loved being held by Gil, but this was different…. It wasn't normal.
I reached my hands to his chest, trying to push him away.
I noticed after only a second that I wasn't pushing as hard as I could have.
I could feel his heartbeat under my palms… it was beating really fast.
His lips started to move faster than before… I still couldn't move, even though his hand was pulling me against him, deeper, I was still frozen.
I was shaking.
I was so conflicted…. I didn't want this, but I couldn't bring myself to push him away… I didn't want this, but I didn't want to hurt Gil anymore….
He pulled me even closer.
…I didn't want this…?
Now my forearms were pressed against his firm chest.
He was really warm.
For a spare second, I found myself wanting more of his warmth.
His lips left mine unexpectedly.
I lost my thoughts.
I felt his forehead weigh down on my shoulder, I could hear him sigh loudly, breathing a little hard.
My arms on his chest stayed still.
"Gilbert…" I called his name… my lips still felt a little numb.
My heart jumbled a little when I realized that numbness… How hard had he been pressing agianst me?
He started to get heavier. Heavier.
His hands slid down from my face and hair, waving limply in mid-air.
I noticed a little too late that he had passed out.
I grabbed onto his shoulders before he could crush me, pushing towards the back of the armchair.
He started snoring a little.
I let go of him.
I felt cold.
The fire in the fireplace was dying out… I could only see a faint trace of what his face looked like in the fading light.
He was so peaceful… so peaceful…
I felt something like fustration build up in my chest.
Why was I the only one who was left to deal with what just happened?!!!
He just kissed me!!
We just kissed!
We kissed…
That word was so strange to me at that moment…
Gil kissed me…
I could feel my fists clench a little.
This definitely wasn't normal!
We were never like this before!
What changed?!
A realization came to mind that I couldn't believe I didn't think of earlier.
He was just drunk…
He was only drunk… he probably just got carried away, right?
I stood there, staring at his sleeping face for only a few seconds more.
I turned away from him hastily, grabbing a small blanket from the foot of my bed.
I laid it over him hurriedly, trying not to touch him.
…
It felt so strange to worry about not touching Gil.
…
I started to walk towards my own bed.
My heart was beating a little too fast…
Why was I still so bothered by what happened?… if he was drunk, then it was nobody's fault… he was drunk, so it didn't mean anything…
This wasn't my first kiss!… or his either!… probably.
I was suddenly a little sad.
I still haven't heard about his life in those ten years.
I still had no idea who his first kiss was, or who his first crush was, or even if he was still a vir-…
I flopped into bed roughly, making myself stop that thought.
I crawled to my pillows, settling down for sleep, not caring that I wasn't in pajamas or that I had my shoes on.
I couldn't think about Gil like that right now.
Not after…
I grabbed a pillow, hugging it tightly, trying to clear my mind.
But my eyes kept travelling back to that armchair and the crackling embers of the fire behind it.
The back of the chair was facing me, but I could see his dark leg lazily outstretched from the chair.
This is so crazy…
I thought to myself, trying to keep my eyes closed.
I willed my eyes closed, covering my head with my pillow.
I pulled out my pocket watch.
I clicked it open….
Every time I listened to it's gentle chime, I always seemed to drift away from the rest of the world… I got lost in memories I couldn't remember.
A second darkness took over my eyes.
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"Oz…." I heard a faint, familiar voice call me from that darkness.
"Oz-kun…. Oz-kun…." Another voice joined in.
I rolled over, still hugging my pillow, trying to stay asleep.
"OZ!!!!" The first voice shouted suddenly.
I flipped out of bed flailing onto the floor.
"Ow…"I complained to myself groggily, rubbing my back that just hit the floor.
I looked up, my eyes half-open.
"Alice…" She was standing right in front of me, her hands on her hips, looking down at me like I was some sort of clumsy manservant…. Well, I guess that's what she actually saw when she looked at me.
I smiled up at her, like I always did…. Even though she just paid me a rude wake-up call.
"You took too long sleeping." She noted, firmly. I looked around.
Break was peeking out from behind Alice, grinning mischievously; I don't think he could smile in any other way.
"Ah, sorr-" I started, before I suddenly remembered last night.
I quickly found my feet, walking towards the armchair, forgetting Alice and Break for a second.
"Gil?" I called out a little urgently. I really needed to talk to him.
Nothing.
The chair was empty.
The blanket was placed messily on the chair-cushion.
"Raven-kun is in the dining room." Break explained, gracefully skipping towards the door, Emily bopping on his shoulder.
"Sharon-san and the clown wouldn't let us have breakfast till you woke up." Alice grumbled, walking towards the door, too.
That explained Alice's impatient.
"Sorry about that…" I apologized casually, walking over to them, rubbing the back of my head.
I was suddenly stunned out of my semi-good mood when I remembered the last time I felt a hand run through my hair like that.
I really need to talk to him…
But there was a part of me that was nervous to even be in the same room as him.
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"Good morning, Oz-kun…" I heard Sharon-chan say softly from behind her tea cup.
The morning light poured in from the open balcony windows, lighting up the white tablecloth.
I immediately spotted the only dark area in the entire room.
A single person, dressed darkly, slumping over a newspaper on the left side of the table.
Seeing him again made my stomach turn nervously.
He didn't say anything.
I found my seat on the opposite side of the table.
I saw him hunch closer to the newspaper…
What is he thinking about?
I could tell what the answer was... I tried to control my anxiously turning stomach by eating a pastry... it didn't help.
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His temples throbbed with pain.
But even the hangover wasn't enough to distract him from the emerald-eyed boy sitting across from him at the table.
Raven clutched the unread newspaper closer to his face.
Oh god.
I totally screwed up.
I thought crying in front of him was embarrassing…. But this…. This is way too much.
Raven thought back to the moment he woke up.
He remembered a really interesting dream, one where he…. kissed…. Oz.
It seemed so real… he could even remember how it felt.
When he finally realized that he was sitting in the armchair that was in his dream, wearing the same white shirt from his dream, in Oz's room… he wanted to scream with shock, but settled for quietly running out of Oz's room in a panic.
How could I get so stupid?!
He wanted to yell at himself… but refrained since everybody would look at him strangely if he did....
....
Raven knew that his feelings for Oz weren't really on the same level as a friend, as a servant, or even as a brother… they were feelings that he knew would never be accepted…
He's known for at least 3 years now.
But he's never come to terms with it before… he would always push those feelings to the back of his mind… he promised himself a long time ago that he'd only ever be a servant for Oz.
But…
Last night… those 3 years broke out.
Raven looked up from his paper when he heard Oz's cheery voice joke with Break.
Was he that unaffected?
Raven peeked a golden eye away from the crumpling paper, Oz was still smiling.
Does he even remember?
Then he saw Oz's eye twitch a little.
Wait… that's fake.
He's only pretending.
He's not really back to normal....
Raven lost hope again, and was about to lose even more faith in life when Break spoke up again.
"Well, everyone, your job today is to go out and buy some formal dress-clothes." He ordered, happily chewing on an entire cupcake.
"What fer?" Alice spoke up defiantly, grabbing another pastry… feeling rebellious after her request for barbecued-meat at the breakfast table was denied.
"We're going to be going to the theatre… to visit an old Duke friend of mine." Break explained with a smile.
Raven knew what that meant right away… every time Break said someone was an 'old friend', he really meant somebody he had pissed off in the past.
Break had a lot of 'old friends'.
"So all three of you need to get to town immediately and take some money with you." He popped another cake-treat into his mouth.
Raven grumbled a little.
He knew it was childish, but he really didn't want to be alone with Oz… even the stupid-rabbit wouldn't really count as a third-wheel this time.
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I fidgeted with my new dress-suit, which was hanging over my arm.
Gilbert was standing several feet away from me.
He kept looking through the store window, towards the street, trying to pretend that he was completely uninterested in everything other than the people walking outside… but I could tell he wasn't as calm as he tried to look. His brows furrowed in that special way that said he was concentrated too hard on how he looked.
I sighed to myself, hoping Alice would hurry and find the dress she wanted.
I had endured breakfast without a single glance from him, he had been hunched in the very corner of his seat in the carriage, like he was trying to get as far away from me as he could, and now we were standing in this tailor-shop in complete silence.
I hated it.
Why is he trying to get as far away from me as possible?!
Does he really regret it that much?!
Then my mind crossed a really strange thought.
Is he trying to avoid me… because he doesn't want to…. lead me on?
There was only so much thinking I could do before I went crazy… and that thought really spun my reality around.
Thinking about Gil like this was so… new… I didn't know what to make of it.
All I knew was that facing the abyss, chains, and imaginary creatures didn't affect me as much as this was.
I really wanted him to at least look at me… to acknowledge the fact that I was having a rough time, too.
Wait…
Why am I getting so upset?
I should just talk to him…
We're friends, right?
I was suddenly scared that what had happened last night would affect our friendship…
I really couldn't let that happen.
I slowly started inching my way closer to where Gil was standing, hoping he wouldn't notice.
I took another step.
In the corner of my eye I saw his head spin over to me for a second, he immediately started to shift away from me.
"Gil!" I called out a little loudly for an indoor voice.
He froze in his tracks comically. But I wasn't amused.
I walked up to his side, not looking at his face.
This was a lot more embarrassing than I thought it would be.
We stood in silence for a few unendurable seconds before I realized that I should say something first since I called him.
"You remember… wha-what happened last night?" I mumbled my question quietly.
I was pretty sure he remembered, but I needed to bring this up somehow.
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"You remember… wha-what happened last night?" Raven's heart started falling…
He had been dreading this.
He wanted to lie, he really wanted to say 'No, I don't remember a thing….'
But it was impossible for him to lie to Oz.
"Ah…" He replied, unable to get a real word out of his throat.
"I… um... You…. You did that because…." Oz kept hesitating after every word. With every sudden pause and every sudden word, Raven felt his heart being tugged and tossed around as if some sort of frighteningly devious cat was playing with it. "Because you were…. drunk… right?"
The cat gave Raven's heart an inconsolable whack.
He couldn't say anything.
He didn't know what he should say….
He had done it because he was drunk… otherwise he wouldn't have had the confidence.... but there was a part of him that had been wanting to do that anyways, for a long time…
a very long time…
Maybe this was his chance?
"Yeah…" Raven's answer wasn't the one he wanted to give.
But it was better this way.
It's much better this way....
Oz wouldn't have to deal with troublesome unrequited feelings… and I can… push these feelings away deeper…
And maybe forget them someday.
Raven waited for Oz to adopt his usual grin, to jump into his sight and say something along the lines 'Well, if that's it… then I guess I can forgive you…', and then they'll go back… to the way things were before…. And, at least, Oz would be happy…
That's all that matters to me...
But Oz didn't do anything.
He didn't jump into sight, smile, or say anything at all.
Raven slowly tried to peek a glance over at Oz, but was interrupted.
"Alice!"
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"Yeah…" Gil's deeper voice found my ears.
This was the response I had been waiting for…. The one I wanted… right?
So why was I feeling so… heavy?
Why did my heart sink when he said that?
Why am I not smiling and happy that we can just forget all this?
Why?!!
I found a distraction as soon as I wanted one.
"Alice!" I called out to her as she was stomping her feet over to us.
"That lady kept pestering me to buy the pink dress over there… even though I wanted this one, she made me try the other one on…" Alice complained to me like I was customer service. I grinned at her weakly, nodding.
I had to get my mind off of things for a second.
I was getting a little scared… what was I actually feeling?
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All three of them walked down the dirt path, Alice excitedly pointing at different stores, completely unaware of the atmosphere called 'awkward tension'.
Raven was staring at his boots, his face visibly upset underneath the curtain of his charcoal-colored hair.
He glanced up to Oz for what seemed the 20th time since they left the store. Oz was a few feet ahead of him, talking with Alice.
He didn't seem normal either.
His smiles were fake.
He was walking slower than usual.
Raven looked down to his boots again.
I really need a smoke….
He thought to himself sadly... he was trying to give it up again. He was starting to regret it, adding another item to the long list of regrets in Raven's life.
I'm always making really stupid decisions.
I can never seem to get anything right.
Even now, I've done something that even Oz can't forgive.
He won't even look at me.
Raven's hands clenched into fists.
We can't stay like this…
If he drifts farther and farther from me while I don't even try to keep him closer…
I'll just become a failure at yet another area of my life.
....I'll lose the most important person in my life....
Raven started to pick up his pace, collecting a sense of restless energy with every step.
His determination was building, but he had no idea what he was going to do until Alice spoke up again.
"There's a meat-shop!" She yelled triumphantly, as if she was a hunter spotting the perfect prey.
She ran off towards the booth that was a block away… she had a good sense of smell.
Oz chuckled faintly, picking up his feet to run after her.
This is my only chance!....
Raven saw his hand reach out and grab Oz's wrist at the last second, pulling hm back.
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Sorry for the cliffy, but I had to cut it … the next chap will be out reeeaally soon!! :D