Chapter 4!
Title: "Cold"
Disclaimer: I own nothing!!
NOTE: Takes place right after the group gets back from visiting Duke Rufus Barma at the opera house…
(This chapter starts at the end of Chapter 32, [This'll be the style for every update from here on out, picking up after almost each manga chapter's end… so it may not follow the anime, because of the fillers...])
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"Are you afraid?… Afraid that Oz will keep changing?..."
…
"… Afraid that you'll be left behind?.... "
...
Break's words still stung him.
Even now, as they all walked lazily back into the mansion, he still felt the pain and fear attached to those words.
"Well, I guess tonight was enough excitement for everyone…" Break said with a tired, concluding tone, walking ahead of the group. Nobody needed to say anything to that.
Alice's stomach rumbled impatiently, though.
A sweet laughter rung out as a golden-haired boy ran in front of Raven, towards Alice, laughing at her for a moment before she gave him a half-serious glare, clutching her stomach defensively.
Raven couldn't keep his eyes away from Oz.
They hadn't really talked since last night.
After that kiss, after the confessions, they hadn't said anything… they had only parted ways quickly when they had heard Break come skipping down the hallway, to his own bedroom.
They didn't even say 'good night'.
Raven had felt a surprising rush of happiness take over for the whole day, because of that kiss… till Break said those cursed words.
Raven couldn't get them out of his head… he couldn't push away those childish fears that had plagued him for so long…. And now that Oz was finally this close to him, these worries tore deeper into him.
Raven's fears seemed to have amplified with his happiness…
It was natural for him… every time he ever felt happy, he was always worried about what horrible thing was about to happen to him... he would constantly fear what the universe would do to even out the small amount of happiness Raven thought he deserved.
And now… with this amount of joy…. Raven was deathly afraid of suddenly losing Oz…
… Afraid that Oz will realize, after finally getting this close to him, that Raven was actually a lot … different… from their childhood days…. And leave him for someone who could do more for him.
A pair of bright green eyes flashed to his.
Raven was shocked out of his grave, troubled thoughts.
Oz smiled at him brightly.
He stopped at the stairs, waiting for Raven to catch up, letting Alice walk ahead of him.
Raven's happiness in that moment was still conflicted with that fear… Raven wanted to reach out… just to feel him… to make sure this wasn't all some sort of dream.
But he knew better not to.
…
Does he really need me anymore?…
…
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Gilbert smiled back at me a little crookedly…
His eyes surprised me… we were all tired, but he seemed so exhausted….
He looked up at me like I was so far away from him…
I didn't like it.
I didn't want him looking at me like that.
I wanted him right next to me, by my side, I wanted to feel his warmth, I wanted to see his real smile… like I did last night…
My stomach turned over a little excitedly. I suddenly felt a little fidgety.
Every time I thought about the way Gil and I touched… kissed… it was always so hard controlling my heartbeat, controlling the way my heart felt lighter as my body seemed to weigh me down…
Gil looked away from me.
Something was definitely wrong with him.
He climbed up the stairs, passing me quickly, only looking at his feet.
It was like he was trying to keep himself from looking at me…
… or was it that…
Something's wrong with me?
…
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"Yes, three of a kind!" Oz exclaimed happily as he laid down three jacks onto the table. Alice sneered at his ever-growing three-paired collection of cards. She only had a few cards laid out in front of her, most of them were still fanned out in her hands.
Oz had just been able to teach Alice how to play Rummy… but she was turning into a sorer loser by the second.
Break and Sharon were talking comfortably on the other side of the room, both of them seemed rather tired… Raven could pick up a few words… they were talking about the festival tomorrow.
It was amazing to Raven how easily things could turn back to normal even after the amount of soul-searching drama that had happened earlier that night.
He looked back to Oz, then to Alice, who was trying to talk her way out of picking up yet another card.
Raven couldn't understand how these two could still have enough energy to play card games.
Oz laughed, leaning against the back of the loveseat that him and Raven were sharing, Alice leaned forward in her own chair across the table, inspecting Oz's cards for any fakes.
Raven couldn't explain how he even had enough energy to watch them as they excitedly threw down cards or play-argued over suspicious rules that Oz might have made up or not.
Raven closed his eyes for a few seconds, feeling just how good it felt to block out the visual world… he knew he should be resting right now…he knew that they had another big day ahead of them with the festival… and Raven was already planning that side-trip to his foster home…
To discuss something with his little brother…
… Raven wasn't looking forward to that…
But he couldn't bring himself to leave Oz's side…
…
"Are you afraid?... Afraid that you'll be left behind?"
…
He felt so childish.
Ravens' eyes flashed open when he felt a soft movement again his slightly clenched hand.
Soft fingers he recognized from last night.
He looked down to his hand.
Oz's smaller fingers were brushing against his own.
Raven could hear Alice grumble from behind her cards, completely engrossed with the pieces of glossy paper, and oblivious to what was happening on the loveseat.
Raven couldn't help a quiver of joy run through his heart.
A smile threatened his lips.
His fingers loosened a little, slowly reaching for Oz's… his fingertips brushed along Oz's hand.
The small smile his face had been holding back almost broke free, until Oz's hand suddenly slinked away.
"Aha!" Alice shouted, throwing down a four of a kind.
"Wow!" Oz exclaimed happily for the smug Alice… seemingly completely unfazed from that small moment Raven just had with him.
Raven suddenly felt more exhausted than ever.
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My eyes were glued on my cards… I kept trying to stop myself from looking over to Gil.
My fingers still tingled from touching his…
I never really knew that Gil's touch could do that to me, I couldn't help noticing that the more my emotional feelings were changing for Gil…. The more my body was starting to act differently, too…
But I couldn't focus any of that right now.
He seemed to be really tired… and upset about something…. I could tell from his posture.
I knew that he had a hard time at the opera house when we were around Duke Barma… and I knew that he was probably still troubled by something when we were walking up the stairs… I thought that maybe he was upset at me about something…. But just now.
He touched me back, his fingers had grazed along mine kindly…
But he still looked bothered.
I wanted to finish the game as soon as possible.
I wanted to talk to him.
I really didn't like it when he fell into these depressive spells… and now, our relationship is so much more touchier than before… I really didn't want to let him down if he needed help.
"Yosh!" Alice cried as she pulled another card from the deck, looks like she drew a lucky one.
I used the momentary opportunity to peek over my cards at him.
He was staring off into space… his eyes narrowed like he was lost in deep thought.
I wanted to get his attention.
I pushed my hand towards him again.
But just as soon as my fingertip touched his hand, he immediately stood up, snatching his hand away from mine quickly.
"Good night, everyone…" His voice said really coldly before turning around, and walking out the double-doorway.
He didn't even glance at me.
I knew that I didn't know a lot about relationships… especially… romantic… relationships… (which was a strange thought in enough itself: a romantic relationship with Gil)… but I knew that this wasn't normal
….
Then again, nothing was normal in my life…
...
My impatience for the game grew… I really needed to talk with him…. I pulled another card from the deck... I had two three-of-a-kinds, but I didn't lay them down.
I'd let Alice win this one quickly.
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Raven shrugged off his dress jacket, laying it over his forearm carefully… he probably wouldn't need to use the suit again for a while, but he didn't want to waste the money he'd spent on it by simply throwing the suit on the floor… which he really wanted to do since he was so tired of everything right now.
He reached into his closet, feeling around and pulling out a hanger.
His room was rather dimly lit with a single desk lamp alight, but he wasn't planning on staying up much longer.
Today's misadventures, as well as tonight's fears had eaten away at his energy, as well as his conviction.
He had finally come to a decision.
He would let Oz leave him…
It wasn't much of his own decision since he knew that Oz would leave him behind at some point anyways, but this way… he would let Oz leave now.
They wouldn't have to wait till the day that they slowly and painfully separated…
He paused as he stuffed the hanger into one shoulder of the jacket, letting himself feel the pain of his decision.
But he knew it was for the best.
His hands clenched around the second shoulder as he slipped it over the hanger.
If Oz gets any closer to me… and discovers just how much I've had changed from that timid boy-servant I used to be… if he learns what sort of dirtied, betraying man I've become….
It would only be a matter of time before Oz would realize that I'm not 'Gilbert' anymore… that he doesn't need a man like me with him…
Thinking like this was so strange for Raven…. For the longest time he could only ever wonder what this kind of relationship would be like between him and Oz…. and now that he had it… he felt like he needed to take responsibility for it… to not get lost in what he wanted but what was best for Oz.
Raven slowly hung the hook of the hanger onto the pole in his closet, sighing.
This must be the payment for the happiness he felt earlier today…
His hands found the buttons of his shirt, undoing them one at a time, meditatively.
Things have changed so much in the past few days… but they can't stay this way forever…
A knock sounded at the door, "Come in…" Raven replied, his mind still lost in his thoughts as he reached the last button.
I should let him end it now before I…
"Gil?"
Raven recognized that voice; his fatigue seemed to wash away with surprise, as he whipped his head over to the blonde-haired boy walking through the bedroom door.
When he had said 'come in' he definitely wasn't paying attention to what he was doing… and especially hadn't thought about this possibility.
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After I called his name, he turned towards me, looking a little surprised.
His hands undoing the last button of his shirt.
My eyes fell to his chest.
Why did I suddenly feel like I should turn around?!
I immediately found myself turning away from the still-shocked, open-shirted Gil…
Why did I turn around?!
I shouldn't have to, right?!
We're both guys, we don't have to worry about…
That thought really struck me hard before I even finished it.
We hadn't had to worry about it before… but after last night… things had become different this way, too.
Seeing him like this meant something completely different.
The fact my heart was beating a little too fast right now was proof that things were definitely changing for me.
"It's ok, Oz…" I heard his voice speak up. He sounded a little serious.
I looked back to him, he had buttoned up his shirt.
I felt a little better when I realized that he must've thought it was inappropriate, too… like I wasn't the only one who was changing like this.
I noticed something.
He hadn't buttoned it all the way… I could still see the edge of his scar… the scar I gave him, ten years ago…
…it still hurt to look at it…
I was distracted from that when I saw his expression.
He seemed completely… resigned… but almost upset.
What was going through his head?
"Do you need something?" His cold voice asked up… he turned away from me, reaching into his closet again.
Why did I have to need something from him just to see him?
What if I had just wanted to see him?…
But I did need to talk to him…
"I just wanted to talk…" I answered a little quietly, walking further into his room, trying not to think about how his scent was all around me, and how it made me feel a little happy.
It seemed a little weird.
I never knew what any of this meant… these feelings... I was always so confused whether this was a good feeling or an unnatural one.
But when I saw Gil look away from me, and I felt that small pang of disappointment… I didn't care if these feelings were unnatural, or strange, or bad, or good…. I only cared about what he was feeling.
"About what?" He asked into the closet. I heard him shift hangers around busily.
Why is he acting so cold now?
He wasn't like this last night.
"Is something wrong?" I ignored his question, jumping right onto the subject I had been thinking about.
"No, everything's fine." He answered nonchalantly, taking one of his casual dress shirts out of the closet.
He walked over to his bed, taking it off of the hanger and laying it down carefully…. The whole time he kept his back to me.
I could feel my frustration rise.
"You're lying." I spoke up towards his back, clenching my fists.
He turned to me again… his golden eyes weren't as cold as before… he seemed… conflicted.
I didn't know how I could tell… maybe it was because of how I used to be able to read his eyes so well… but they've changed…
"There's nothing for you to worry about…" Gilbert finally answered my forward response a little weakly, walking back to his closet, away from me.
"The way your acting is worrying me." I tried to catch his attention. He only paused for a moment before he put the hanger back. "Why are you acting like this?" I asked a little louder walking right up to him, feeling more and more fidgety with every step.
The closer I got to him, the more I felt my fingers want to touch him… but with how he was acting now, I was actually getting a little nervous.
He closed the closet door, his back still to me.
"…Oz… it's okay… if you want to stop this before... it gets any more serious."
I looked up to the back of his head, feeling more confused than I did before…
What did he mean by that?
My mind flashed back to the worries that had plagued me the day before, when he was acting a little distant, too. "… Is this…. Have you… changed your mind?"
I scolded myself for sounding so embarrassed, but how else could I ask whether he was still willing to… touch me anymore?
This worry I've had was never about what we felt for each other... but the way we wanted to express it...
It was so strange to ask him this, while feeling this nervous for his answer…. Yesterday I had been so unsure whether I wanted to be with him like this….
"Of course not…." He immediately turned around, His hands grabbing my shoulders.
Now he seemed to be letting his real thoughts out... he looked a little desperate.
"Then why are you saying these things?" My frustration grew.
Gilbert's eyes suddenly looked away from mine, he closed them… taking a deep breath.
I felt like I should be readying myself for whatever he was about to say, but I was still distracted by his hands, his scent, his chest, the scar… his words.
He finally started talking, slowly, seriously,"… Your life has changed so much from the childhood we had… I've changed, too…" He flinched at his own words. "You've become someone crucial to this battle between the Baskervilles and Pandora…. I can't follow you, as your retainer, for too much longer… " He continued, his face grimacing with every word.... "I'll only get in the way…"....
That's what's been bothering him?
That's why Gil's been avoiding me?
These are the thoughts the make him act so coldly?
"Gil…" I called his name softly, still trying to think.
His hands tightened on my shoulders warmly. I was still too far off in my own thoughts to really notice... but my heart noticed anyways, and started thumping louder.
His voice interrupted my thoughts.
"If you don't need me anymore, please leave now… before I…"
That was it… I couldn't help it.
Gilbert completely stopped talking when I started laughing.
I was laughing so hard.
I couldn't help it, but the way he was acting…. What's been worrying him this whole time.
It was almost… cute… but completely ridiculous.
I could feel my chest shake with every guffaw, I reached my hands up to the fabric of his shirt, holding onto him as I leaned towards the ground weakly, losing oxygen fast.
"Oi…" He grumbled a little.
I could tell he wanted me to stop laughing…. It must be embarrassing for him, so I did my best to stop and offer my explanation.
"You're… you're like… a little kid…." I explained a little loudly, trying to catch my breath and beat down my laughter.
"What?!" He didn't think it was funny as I thought it was. He freaked out a little, his eyes widened a little comically as I remembered they would when we were both the same age.
His hands clenched around my shoulders a little more tightly, pulling me only an inch closer. I suddenly lost the giggles now that my heart was beating even faster.
I had to give him a better reason than that.
"… Only paying attention to what you think, and not what others feel…" I managed to say, calming down, looking at my hands, my fingers pulling limply on his shirt.
"Oz?" Gil called my name, sounding a little less embarrassed.
I felt a little bad for laughing at him… but I really had to let him know that these worries were completely unnecessary.
"You were never only my retainer…" I summed up, my fists clenching around the fabric of his shirt a little tighter… "…even if I don't need a servant, I need my friend, I need my…."
I really couldn't finish that sentence, I really couldn't bring myself to label what exactly was happening between us, and what that made us to each other… but we both knew what his third, and newest, relationship to me was.
His hands suddenly let go of my shoulders, but slinked down, over my shoulder blades, curling around my lower back.
One of my greatest comforts… being held by Gil… but the way it felt had changed, too… it felt so much better.
His arms, heavy and warm, pulling me against his even warmer, firm chest.
My hands were still in front of me, and even though I wanted to hold him back, to hold him against me even tighter… it still felt nice to just let my palms flatten against his chest.
I could feel his heartbeat.
It was racing faster than mine… deeper... stronger.
It calmed me…. almost hypnotically.
It felt so… natural… so perfectly peaceful… so safe…
I had no idea anybody could feel this warm, this wonderful, this comforting.
His voice suddenly rumbled lightly through his chest, tickling the side of my face a little.
"Are you sure? …." He asked, he almost sounded a little desperate… "Because I don't know if I can stop these feelings anymore…."
I didn't want him to stop those feelings… not when I had just managed to find them myself.
I pushed myself away from his chest a few inches, feeling a little colder for a second, before I felt his hands slide up my back, to my hair... I was suddenly a lot warmer.
He must've known what I had wanted to do.
Our lips met… it still felt really… new…and a little surreal… but I liked it.
His lips moved against mine a little harder than last night, his fingers weaved into my hair a little more eagerly, too…. I felt him crouch over me, trying to get closer.
I pulled him by his shirt, wanting him to get closer, too.
His lips pressed against mine even harder… but before I could even react, he already broke away, breathing only a little bit harder, while my oxygen supply had been greatly compromised.
He crouched down lower, his forehead leaning against mine… his fingers still curling into my hair anxiously.
"I don't know if I can let you go after this…"
He almost whispered…. He sounded like he was trying to warn me… trying to tell me to get away from him as soon as possible… like his feelings for me were going to become a permanent burden.
Why is he always beating himself up?
Why is he so sure that I'll leave him?
Doesn't he know what he means to me?!
He was one of my first friends, my best friend, I've never loved anyone who wasn't family more than I loved him… and now… my feelings for him may be a little different, but they're definitely not weaker.
"I don't think I'll let you let me go…" I finally responded a little cheekily… hoping to make him smile.
He did.
I pulled him closer again.
His forehead left mine as our lips met again.
All of my doubts, all of my worries, every single inhibition I had about what was happening between me and Gil suddenly melted away… when his arms wrapped around me tighter, when his lips moved against mine with perfect synchrony, when his fingers ran through my hair, when I felt his heart stutter and race under my palms… when he looked at me with his golden eyes like I was the only person in this world he would hold.
I knew I could never leave him…