Chapter 5!
Title: "Push"
Disclaimer: I own nothing!!
Note: Sorry for the wait! I really hate updating after so many days, since I'm really used to updating faster (for my other story)… but this one's a bit harder to get right.
Anyways, I just wanted to share an Oz x Gilbert AMV I've made (re-uploaded with 'Finally' in mind)…. I don't make many Pandora Hearts AMVs, I usually stick to Kuroshitsuji… but I would very much appreciate it, if any of you would check out the link at the bottom! :D... But it's okay if you're not interested, too... :)
But enough about me...
...
...
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
"I don't think I'll let you let me go…" Raven heard Oz's quiet voice joke in between breaths.
He loved the way Oz's voice sounded when he was breathing hard.
He couldn't help a smile when he finally thought about the words…
He really hoped Oz meant them.
He had never hoped that words could be true as much as he did those.
Raven pulled Oz's face to his again, their lips meeting … another miracle.
The kiss was gentle at first… they barely touched… their lips softly grazing back and forth, feeling the suspense that electrified their nerves.
He could feel Oz's fingers tug at his shirt again, trying to bring him in closer.
Raven had only been waiting for permission.
Their lips met in a real kiss… Raven still hadn't gotten used to how soft his lips were, how they pressed against his with such fragility… his heart thumped warmly every time he touched them.
He curled his arms around Oz's smaller frame tightly, crouching down further to make it easier for Oz to reach him… Raven was still unsatisfied with how close they were… He wanted more…
His hands explored the surface of Oz's thin dress shirt, feeling his form like he had always wanted to, as much as he wanted.
He really couldn't believe he was here, touching Oz like this, kissing him like this… after so many years of believing it was impossible, believing it was a lost cause, knowing it was never going to happen… it was almost too much happiness to bare, but not enough at the same time.
The way his hands were able to freely graze Oz's back, shoulders, waist, chest… it was almost too much for his hands to feel, but not enough… everything was too much, but he still wanted more… he had never wanted more of something, than he did of Oz right now.
His heart felt like it was suffocating with the happiness, his skin felt hot and cold at the same time.
He could hear Oz's breathing grow a little harder, he kept trying to break the kiss… probably starving for air… Raven only felt a little out of breath, but his lungs were probably bigger.
Oz finally managed to snatch his lips away from Raven with a gasp that sent shivers down Raven's spine.
He loved that sound more than he knew he should.
Raven already felt like he needed something more to make up for the lost contact.
He let his left hand slide around from Oz's back, around his waist, to his stomach. His open hand brushed up Oz's chest, pressing hard, the fabric bunched up at the tip of his fingers.
"Gil!…"
His voice, breathing hard, weak, calling his name… there were too many things about that voice that was pushing him over the edge.
…………………………………………………………………………..............................................................…
His kiss was suddenly a lot deeper…
I really wasn't used to this, this amount of…
…
… passion…
…
I had only ever kissed a few times before, but it was never like this.
His lips moved faster than before…harder… it was so difficult trying to keep up.
He was really tall… I never really noticed how much taller he was…. He's grown so much in ten years… I had almost forgotten…
It was kind of difficult to keep my lips on his without standing on my toes a little.
I felt so small... but I didn't care, with his arms around me.... nothing else mattered.
I felt his hands feel across my back like he was searching for something, like he wanted more of me, to feel everything he could. Just that thought alone made my heart pound strangely, but to actually feel his fingers brush across my back, searching for more of me, made my entire body feel weaker.
My breathing was getting really loud… it was kind of embarrassing.
I really wasn't used to this….
I tried to break away from his lips, but whenever they found mine after only a split-second of catching my breath, I didn't really want to break away again.
The way his lips were pressing even harder, the way he pulled me even closer against his body, the way his hands were sliding over my shirt like he was trying to feel my skin through it… it all felt really…
…
I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think… I didn't really know what was going on… I felt…
...frenzied…
I didn't know why… but there was a small part of me that really wanted more, like I wanted to feel more of him, wanted him to feel more of me, while the larger part of me was still trying to figure out what all these other feelings meant.
His lips moved in ways I couldn't follow.
He was so close to me. He was really warm. His hands were hot. My heart was pounding. My lungs were aching.
I couldn't breathe!
I pulled away from him, gasping for air, practically panting.
This was getting really embarrassing now… the way I felt…
… it was really… new.
I felt his large, searing hand curve around my side, onto my stomach.
My body immediately felt heavier and warmer when his hand started sliding up the center of my chest. He was pressing a little hard, his other hand was planted on my back, pulling me closer… He was pushing against me from both sides... It felt like he was surroudning me... I felt like I was going to fall to the ground under the weight of his touch, under the weight of my heart.
My knees started shaking… so embarrassing.
I felt my shirt being tugged out from my belt as he kept pressing the fabric upward.
"Gil!...."
I really needed to get his attention, but my voice wasn't working right.
I really couldn't do this anymore…. It felt really weird… I felt really weird.
I pulled on his shirt a little, trying again for his attention.
It didn't work… His hand only crept along my chest further, making my knees shake a little harder.
I closed my eyes tightly.
I felt like I wouldn't be able to breathe or stand anymore if he kept touching me… if he kept making my heart beat this fast, it wouldn't be able to go back to normal… I felt like I should be sweating, everything was so hot…
I felt his lips pressed against the side of my jaw.
"Gil…" I could only call his name again, even weaker than before…
As if he was reacting to how weak my voice was, his hand suddenly started pressing harder, slower against my chest, his fingers rubbing along my chest like he was feeling for even more details… I hoped he couldn't feel how hard my heart was thumping.
My chin was resting on his shoulder, the fabric of his shirt rubbed against my chin every time I took a breath… I could feel the skin on my chin turn pink when I suddenly needed a lot more oxygen as his hand passed over the area under my collarbone.
The way his hand was rising, the intensity was rising with it… like a thermometer pushing the temperature up, instead of the other way around, with the same force as the gravity that was trying to push me down… almost the same way Gil's hands were pushing both sides of me in a loving vice.
I couldn't stand this anymore… it was too much… I was a little scared of where I was being pushed… it was too much…
"Gil…bert… s-stop…" I shuddered against him. The way my voice sounded… so weak, so desperate… it really bugged me.
Then in a flash, his hands were gone, his arms were gone, his shoulder wasn't rubbing against my chin anymore…
I could finally get some air… but my knees felt heavier than ever, weaker than ever… I really couldn't stand straight…. Or think straight…
I still hung onto him, trying to get some air for my oxygen-starved lungs.
I had no idea Gil was like this…
I had no idea he could be so…
…
Then again, I never really thought about it before…
... after all I had only begun to feel this way for Gilbert... I hadn't paid so much attention to the physical part of all this...
"Oz…." He said my name… he sounded a little… scared.
I really didn't like it when he was like that.
I suddenly felt guilty for worrying him… especially since he didn't even do anything wrong… he didn't even do much… I was the one who was too weak for this kind of stuff.
…
… I'm such a kid…
…
My fingers clenched the fabric of his shirt, my hands felt really hot, I hadn't let go of his shirt in minutes.
The rest of my body felt really cold now… now that his arms weren't around me anymore.
"It's okay…" I spoke up when I finally felt like I wouldn't say it with that humiliating voice I had to use a few minutes ago.
"No, it isn't…" He said seriously. Still not touching me. "I went too far…" I saw his arms flinch, like he wanted to reach for me, but stopped himself. "Even though we've only just settled things… I got carried away…." His voice…. I didn't like the way it sounded guilty.
I didn't like the way he wasn't touching me anymore.
"It's fine… I just need to… get used to some things first." I tried to take away some of his blame… but knowing Gil, he wouldn't listen to me if I tried to make things my fault…
"I think you should go get some rest…"
His hands finally touched me again, but he was only prying my hands off of his, now wrinkled, shirt.
"We'll talk about this tomorrow… after we've both calmed down…"
And like that, his defensive, self-depreciative walls were set up again…
Somehow, I could tell he wasn't really planning on talking to me tomorrow...
He let go of my hands… my legs still felt a little insecure.
"Gil…" I called his name. I really didn't want to leave him like this… he'd only stew things over in his mind and get worse.
I looked up at him, still trying to accept exactly what we were talking about.
… I would have never thought before a few days ago that Gil and I would ever talk about this….
Suddenly his left hand found the back of my head, pulling me against his chest.
"Don't worry…" His tone changed a little… he sounded a little better.
I was almost fooled by it, until I heard him whisper the rest of the sentence…
"…I'll try harder not to scare you like that again…Oz…"
His voice rumbled softly against the side of my face.
I didn't know what to say.
What could I say?!
I wanted to tell him I wasn't scared, that I was fine with what had just happened…. But I couldn't…
The way it felt…
…
His hand left the back of my head, brushed down to my back, reminding me of how he was holding me only a few minutes earlier… his fingers curled around my arm gently.
I barely noticed that he was guiding me towards the door.
There was something about this moment that shook me…
The way he knew that the only way I'd leave now was if he made me… he knew that I wanted to stay with him, to talk him out of this guilt he was feeling… but he didn't want me to… as if he wanted that guilt.
… Why?!...
Why would he do this to himself?!
Why wouldn't he want me to talk him out of blaming himself?!
Argh!
This was really too much for my exhausted, and recently oxygen-deprived, brain to handle right now…
He opened the door slowly, turning back to me…
The way his golden eyes were looking down at me… there were so many emotions in his eyes.
Worry. Care. Hope. Guilt. Regret.
I didn't get a chance to say anything before his lips fell on mine again, but barely touching me, just for a spare second before he pulled away.
"Good night…" He finished with a fake warmth.
For a spare moment I wanted to hit him... the way he wsa acting like this wasn't important, when we both knew that it was.
... He's really too protective sometimes... but something was different about him right now....
He had always treated me kindly, almost exultingly, but this was different… he was treating me like he had to take care of me…
But I felt like the one with the obligation to him!
But I couldn't do anything for him right now.
Not when he was making that face that told me he wouldn't listen to anything I had to say… and especially when I had nothing to say.
…
"G'night…" I responded, still feeling completely out of my element.
…
He closed the door behind me quietly.
…
I wanted to go back through that door and say something... but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to say... it felt as if I forgot something I needed to tell him...
....
I started walking to my own room… but I had to stop half-way there.
My brain was suddenly rushed with all these thoughts, emotions, wants, worries, feelings…
Everything was so complicated now!
And right after we managed to settle everything out, I had to do that!
I immediately started stomping to my bedroom, rushing through the door and collapsing onto my bed with a heavy heave.
Even though I feel like this… even though I finally feel for Gilbert like this… I couldn't handle the way he was touching me, yet…
I hadn't felt anything like it before.
…
But Gilbert must have…
He had ten years to meet someone, to get close to them, to touch them… he's probably really used to doing more-…
I couldn't really finish that thought… it bugged me too much.
But it was probably true.
Gil's had ten years more experience in this stuff than I did. He's a full-grown man now… and I…
"Ugh!" I threw my face onto a pillow.
I was acting like such a kid!
First getting all freaked out, now thinking about this stuff, getting upset at the idea that Gil must've touched someone else before me.
I really just need to calm down…
I pulled out my pocket watch, clicked it open… that melody always washed away my worries before… but it wasn't working right now….
I grumbled into my pillow... my lips still feeling a little numb from Gilbert's fast-paced kiss...
...
………………………………………………………………………………………………
I'm such an idiot…
He slumped down onto his bed, sitting on the edge, running his hands through his raven hair, aggravated.
Why did I do that?
Why couldn't I stop myself?
I knew he was getting uncomfortable… he wanted me to stop… but I…
But I did… right before I really got serious…
He fell back, his back landing on the bedspread with a muffled fwup…
I've probably scared him away for a week now.
…
At that thought Raven had to smirk wistfully at the irony of this situation.
That conversation had started with Raven's intentions of separating himself from Oz…. and now, after he's fallen deeper into this relationship, he's created even more distance between them, succeeding in his previous plan without wanting to.
…
There's always a price for happiness…
He stared up at the ceiling, guilt eating away at him…
….
I almost forgot that for a moment…
When he was in my arms…
…
………………….
"Oi! Seaweed-head!"
Raven's attention was immediately snapped away from his thoughts as the stupid-rabbit suddenly punched the side of his arm while calling him by that disdainful nickname.
Suddenly all the voices and woots and laughs came flooding back to Raven's ears, all the other festival-goers were having too much fun with the games and challenges to even notice the, currently brooding, young man who was being harassed by the substantially shorter, fiery-tempered, chain.
"What?" Raven asked back harshly, hoping the bite in his voice would affect her.
Alice didn't lose a bit of her attitude.
"Give me money." She reached out an open palm sharply, her other hand on her hip, expecting payment immediately.
"Ha?" He asked towards her hand.
"I want to buy food." She snorted haughtily.
"We had lunch at the mansion, you can't be thinking of eating again." Raven tried to reason to her, she didn't even flinch. Her hand only waved in the air a little.
He definitely wasn't in the mood to fight off any stupid-rabbits right now.
He dug into his pocket harshly.
"How much?" He asked, his voice strained.
"Ten." She ordered, not showing any gratitude.
"Pay me back later." He shoved the money in her hand, she gripped the paper hastily and started stomping away as if she was the queen of this festival.
"Are you an idiot?" She called back, turning down his order flatly, before running off.
'Idiot'?....
That struck a recently injured nerve… He seriously considered running after her and taking her food money back, which would severely annoy her.
But he was distracted by something. Golden hair.
He thought for a moment... that he saw a golden-haired boy walk by....
…
Raven suddenly wondered whether Oz was enjoying himself or not, wherever he was… or if he was thinking about last night, too.
……………………………………………………………........................................…………………………………………………
I couldn't stop thinking about last night…
Or, moreover… Gilbert.
I followed behind the light-footed Break, the calmly observant Sharon-chan, and Uncle Oscar, who seemed to be having a grand time drinking and talking about the past festivals in this area.
I really wanted to join Uncle Oscar, Sharon, and even Break… to talk with them… to have fun…. But I really couldn't think about anything other than the fact that Gilbert wasn't here.
We had separated into three groups (according to Break's orders, who said it would triple the experiences and fun, but I think he just wanted time with Sharon-chan), Uncle Oscar and I found Break and Sharon again, so we've just been kind of walking with them for a while.
I looked across the street at the booths, they were selling glassworks, fans, jewelry, paintings, books, bags, watches… I really couldn't find any curiosity in any of it right now, like I normally would.
I wanted to go find Gil.
We didn't talk this morning… he didn't even look at me.
He was completely avoiding me.
I couldn't tell if he was only feeling guilty, or weird, or if he was actually trying to stay away from me… so that he could… 'let me go'…
… My heart dropped uncomfortably at that thought…
…
No!
I really can't think about this!
I wanted to groan with aggravation, but that would've confused everyone.
But I just couldn't handle all this.
We've gone through so much emotional turmoil, and to finally get this close… it all seemed so surreal… but he was still trying to back away even though he's probably felt this way for longer than I have!
He kept thinking that I wanted to leave him… he kept second-guessing everything… and when I pushed him away last night... it must have really hurt him.
I looked down to my feet…
Doesn't he know how I feel for him!?
…
That thought struck me…
I never did tell him did I?... That I…
...
… I had just kind of assumed that he'd understand my feelings even if I didn't tell him…
Maybe I should-
"Hey, Oz, my boy!" I felt an incredibly heavy arm drop around my shoulders. I could suddenly smell Uncle Oscar's rich cologne almost burn my nostrils. It brought back memories… Gilbert and I running through the mansion, Ada following us, as we played a game or ran from the tutors…
I was interrupted from my memories when Oscar's booming voice suddenly called my attention again.
"I have a surprise for you!" He shouted merrily, attracting attention from the people passing us in the street.
It was hard to ignore Uncle Oscar when he was in this sort of outgoing mood. "It's something that every young man must accomplish at each festival!"
I looked up to Uncle Oscar questioningly, not really appreciating the cryptic-ness of his sudden announcement.
I really wasn't feeling up for any 'surprises' right now.
After a few minutes of fast-paced walking, Oscar suddenly pushed me into a line leading up to a single, overly-decorated booth.
"What is thi-" I was about to ask, but then I noticed the giant, gawdy sign at the very beginning of this line:
'~Kissing Booth~'
"What?!"
......
……………………………………………………...................................................…………………
"What?!"
"What do you mean 'What?!'?!" Alice asked up to Raven, who had just managed to track her down again after seeing her sign an entry waver, with an annoyed voice.
"You can't use the money I gave you to enter an eating contest!" Raven ordered down to her.
She immediately walked away from him, going up the raised stage, where the eating contest was going to take place in only another few minutes. Butchers and chefs were already placing large platters of sausages and steaks onto each table.
She climbed up the stairs, now a good three feet taller than Raven. She sat down, legs and arms crossed.
"I WILL participate in this challenge and I WILL show these lowly mortals exactly what the B-Rabbit is capable of!!!!" And at that she started laughing with a haughty air, throwing her head back with every guffaw.
Raven stood by, looking up at Alice, his eyes half-closed in an annoyed grimace… he interrupted her laughter after a few seconds.
"If you lose, you better not beat anybody up!" He threatened her. He couldn't take her out of the competition since she's already paid… but he definitely didn't want to deal with her antics if she didn't win.
"I WON'T LOSE, STUPID SEAWEED-HEAD!" She shouted back down at him, standing up pointing down at him as a queen would at a misbehaving jester.
"DAMN RABBIT!" He shouted back.
People started to stare.
Raven didn't care, he quickly started walking away from the stage, the irritation buzzing through his head… until he heard something.
"What?!"
That voice… he'd been thinking about it all morning and afternoon.
He immediately forgot the stupid-rabbit, who was already sitting at her assigned table as the announcer was introducing the competitors, and started scanning the street for the emerald-eyed boy who sounded rather confused right now.
"It's a tradition! When I was a young man I would always make sure to visit this booth!" That was Lord Oscar's voice!
"How could this count as a 'tradition'?" That voice again.
Raven ran through the crowd, finally spotting the very tall Lord Oscar… it only took a moment for Raven to find Oz, who was almost completely overshadowed by the taller boys in the quickly shortening line.
"Oz!" He called out, running over to the two.
"Gil!" Oz's voice was drowned out, "GILBERT!"
Lord Oscar usually didn't control his volume when he was having fun.
"Uh, good afternoon, Lord Oscar." Raven suddenly tried to calm himself, feeling a little foolish for running up to them that urgently… but he just wanted to see how Oz was doing.
"What's with the formalities, you're so cold." Oscar whined a little.
Raven laughed a few fake chuckles, glancing over to Oz for a spare moment… Oz was only looking down to his feet.
Of course… he still doesn't want to see me…
Raven could feel that guilt wash over his insides before Oscar suddenly spoke up.
"Explain to Oz here how this is a helpful tradition!" Oscar raised his hand to point out the shortening line, and the sign next to the booth it led to.
'~Kissing Booth~'
Raven froze immediately.
…. God, the memories…
Raven immediately wanted to snatch Oz's arm and run before Oz could reach the front of the line, or before Lord Oscar could open his mouth again.
"Don't you remember those years I made you get in line, too?" Oscar said the exact thing Raven had hoped he wasn't going to say.
Raven could see Oz flinch in the corner of his eye.
"Uh… yes, sir…" Raven responded awkwardly.
"Didn't it help you out in the future?" Oscar asked a completely ridiculous question, having way too much fun, knowing it was a ridiculous question. "You're probably an expert by now!" Oscar announced loudly.
"What?!" Raven suddenly went pale.
"He's just being modest..." Oscar laughed back to Oz, who couldn't quite fake a smile.
There was a sudden cheering that could be heard from across the street.
Raven looked towards the cheering, already feeling so scattered by all of the silent drama occurring in that moment.
The eating-contest stage was surrounded by people who were rooting and cheering. Raven could clearly make out a ravenous Alice tearing her way through the large piles of broiled, fried, and barbecued meat.
He envied her distance from this scene for a moment.
"Hey, did you wanna give it another shot this year, Gilbert-kun?" Lord Oscar was relentless.
"Uh, no-I don't-"
"Nonsense, of course you do!"
And with that, Raven was shoved into the line behind Oz…. Now that Oscar had his mind made up on this, he wasn't going to let him or Oz leave.
The boys behind them grumbled after they saw Raven cut in line.
Gilbert shot a glance back at them, trying to look apologetic… none of them seemed forgiving, but they did seem a bit afraid… Raven almost forgot how intimidating he could look…. And now, when his face was probably contorted by stress and annoyance, he must not be making a polite expression.
He quickly looked away from the boys, and the few men among them, and looked ahead of himself.
Oscar was hovering next to the line, but staring across the street to the eating competitors. Raven could hear him cheer Alice on a little.
Raven looked down to the boy in front of him.
Oz was facing straight ahead of them, not even peeking back to Raven.
Like he didn't want to talk to him... like he was the one who was doing the avoiding now.
Raven really wanted to do something… to say something... to get his attention… to fix whatever this problem was…
He could feel his hands ache to reach out, to feel Oz's shoulders, to touch his hair, his lips, his chest…
God, these were the kind of thoughts that got me into this mess!
I really have to calm down… for Oz's sake… I have to go back to being a servant for a little while longer…
I can still be with him, but I can't let myself reach out…
I have to stop myself from touching him for just a while longer…
I could wait ten years without even seeing him… I can wait three before feeling him.
He might technically be my age... but those ten years seemed like mere days for him... so he's not really 25 at heart is he?
He's still 15...?
... is it really okay for me to be with him at all?
…
Argh, I really shouldn't even be worrying about this right now!!!
Raven suddenly snapped back to his senses as he realized that the line was suddenly so much more shorter than he thought it was.
There were only two boys ahead of Oz.
A very pretty girl was behind the counter, giving out kisses without even seeming to mind. Raven knew he was probably just being sensitive, but he really couldn't imagine ever being so unaffected by kissing dozens of strangers in a single day.
But he didn't have time to think about that either!!… He could feel his nerves fire and spark the closer Oz got to the front counter, Oz didn't seem that disturbed, or at least the back of his head didn't…
Raven could feel the acid churning in his stomach.
He really didn't want anyone else to feel how soft Oz's lips were… he really didn't want anyone else to touch him.
There was a sudden roaring of cheers and boos coming from the eating-contest stage, Raven looked over at the commotion, as did Oscar… but he couldn't quite catch what was going on when he suddenly heard the sickly-sweet voice of the girl suddenly speak up from in front of him.
"Oh, what a cute boy!" She complimented Raven's master unabashedly.
Don't say stuff like that!
Don't look at him like that!
Raven could feel a twinge of jealousy flash through him. His fist clenched.
He really didn't like the way she was eyeing Oz like he was a shiny toy she could play with for a few seconds....
"Do you want soft or French?" She cooed down to him.
WHAT'S WITH THE SPECIAL TREATMENT?!
"What're those?" Oz asked up to the girl, his voice completely innocent.
…
Everything in Raven's mind went silent for a second.
Do you really not know, Oz?!
Raven could almost feel the guilt crawl across his skin when he thought back to he was thinking about doing with Oz last night, when Oz didn't even know the basics of kissing.
…
That was until he heard two very important things at once.
"Kya, you're so cute!" The pretty girl exclaimed to herself, apparently even more excited about kissing Oz because he was so innocent.
"That girl's going crazy!" Raven heard a random voice from the contest-watching crowd speak up in urgency.
He knew that if Alice was indeed the girl that was going 'crazy' that he should really make his way over there and stop her.... but he couldn't do that right now, not when he could see the girl slowly lean over to Oz from the corner of his eye.
Raven immediately turned back to Oz and the girl, with a new plan.
He knew this was immature, but when he saw that girl lean even farther over the counter to reach an unmoving Oz, he couldn't help himself.
………………………………………………………………………………
….
…..
….
….
….
Not much of a cliffhanger…lol…. But here's the link (there's a few spaces in the URL so that FanFiction will let me post it):
http :// www. youtube .com / watch?v=XqA6qfX1m74
Thanks for reading, and if you followed the link, thank you very much for doing so!! :D