I dedicate this chapter to coffeebeaner since i unknowingly stole her name. ;)

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Kiss the rain

GPOV

The past is not a package one can lay away. ~Emily Dickinson

Today is my twenty-eighth birthday.

Last night I dreamed I was back home in my parent's house, in my big soft white bed, with my mama and she woke me up extra early so she and my daddy could give me my birthday present. We sat around our big dining room table that we only used on holidays and special occasions, and my mommy made me chocolate chip pancakes: my favorite food ever. My sister Alex pouted at not being the center of attention and my daddy cried saying that I wasn't allowed to get another year older. It was perfect and for a little while I was happy again. Don't get me wrong, my life turned out exactly the way I wanted it too…almost. I mean my mother and I don't speak, and I'll never have the only man I've ever loved again, but I have a great job and a killer social life, I'm young and I have my own money and my own apartment. I live in the city that never sleeps for Christ's sake. Everything I always dreamed of right?

I remember coming back to the states from my European adventure. This is going to sound silly but my first thought was to run home to my parents. I missed them and my baby sister so much. Once upon a time, they were my whole life. I got to the airport and bought a ticket back to New Mexico. I even almost boarded the plane, but then I saw a woman sitting in that waiting area holding her little girl, looking at her with such affection. It was then that the reality of what I had done began to sink in. At that moment I knew I couldn't go back, not yet. Maybe I would never go back. California wasn't so bad though. It was actually really great. I had a roommate back at Stanford. Her name was Cassie and she quickly became my closest friend, which made me miss Taylor that much more. We'd go everywhere together and fight like sisters, then make up before the other could slam the door to her bedroom. She essentially became my family. Then that first Thanksgiving came around. Mom didn't call and neither did Daddy, and I know that even if I had gone home they wouldn't have wanted me there. Then Christmas came and I thought I would go crazy, I just might have if my best friend wasn't there. Cass refused to let me stay at our dorm alone and brought me back to Colorado with her the entire break. Her family was nice, and an even nicer distraction, but they weren't mine.

There was also something constantly on my mind almost as much as my heart. My daughters. I'm not sure if it's fair to call them mine but for arguments sake we will. Like I was saying my daughters are never far from my mind. There is always something that reminds me of those little faces or takes me back to that day in the Bolton's living room. So when we went last minute shopping and everyone was getting gifts for their kids, and nieces and nephews, and grandchildren I thought that maybe I should buy something too. So I did. It was their first birthday and their first Christmas that they weren't in the hospital so they needed something special, but I had no idea what special was. Babies usually only play with the boxes anyway. I spent two hours wandering around a store that was no bigger than my apartment but nothing seemed good enough. I had no ideas so I was left with three options: One, figure something out and take a wild guess, two, don't buy them anything and keep pretending they don't exists, or three, call Troy. Number three was completely out so I opted for number one. I closed my eyes and asked myself what my mom would do. The bracelet on my wrist was the perfect reminder of just that. When my parents were married my father bought my mother a silver charm bracelet and gave her a charm for every major event in their life together. So my mom did the same for Alex and me when we were born. It was perfect even if they couldn't have them until they were older. Let's just say I left that shopping center more than pleased with myself and my decision, than I had been in a long time. The card I sent would have to do until they got their real present.

Eventually, I got used to be away from my family and developed a routine. Year after year I got less and less home sick. Then I met Aaron. He encouraged me, he made me laugh, and he loved me. He would never be Troy but how could I ask him to be? I told him about my past and he saw what I did as brave. I can't remember his exact words, but I do remember how they made me light up inside. He says it was love at first sight and tells me he could never picture himself with anyone else. This is why I said okay when he asked me to move in with him.

Alex and I got back on speaking terms and I'd call her or she'd call me at least once a week. She told me about her boyfriends and the schools she planned on applying too when she graduated. She talked about how much mama and daddy missed me and I told her about California and made her promise to come visit me. I went on about Aaron and Cassie and I heard the sadness in her voice when she thought I had moved on, although I could never really move on. I really enjoyed those conversations with my sister. Then one morning the phone woke me up, it was ringing off the hook. It was my mother, a voice I hadn't heard in months. I knew something was because of the tears caught in her words.

"Mama, ¿Qué te pasa?" I asked her what the matter was still half asleep.

"Gabby," My name on her lips much of set her off because as soon as it left her mouth she became hysterical. Her words were all jumbled together but I tried my best to decipher what exactly it was she was saying. I got "Daddy…heart…gone… home." That was it.

"Mama, please slow down, I can't understand you." By this time Aaron had woken up beside me and was curious as to what was going on.

"Gabriella," The sadness in her voice was overwhelming I could tell she was trying to re-compose herself. "It's daddy." For a second I thought my heart had stopped beating. I was no longer in my nice soft bed in my comfortable apartment. I was back in my living room seven years ago staring the man I thought to be god in the face as I said to him words that I knew would break his heart. "You have to come home."

My whole body began to tremble. "On the next flight," I found myself muttering.

I hung up the phone and stared blankly at the wall. The simple heartbreak was almost too much to bear. The world was spinning around me but the unquestionable hurt was all that I could process. I couldn't cry. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't even think. "My father is dead," Another phrase I wasn't prepared to say. I felt Aaron's arms wrap themselves around me.

"I'm so sorry baby," he whispered in my ear.

"I have to go home."

I went home on the next flight but I stayed in my hotel until the day of the funeral. I just couldn't bring myself to face them. I never apologized to him. I never got to tell him goodbye. How could I go to my family and grieve with them.

The funeral was short…simple. Everyone sat in the front I stayed in the back. I wanted to be alone. Everyone was there: all my friends from high school, my extended family, and Troy.

Fortunately I stayed ultimately undetected.

I stayed awhile. The people left. The cars rolled away. I saw Alex take our mother and her nieces' home. Eventually I was left alone. Alone, with my father's tombstone but even I too left after awhile.

I went home immediately. Aaron was the first one to voice that he'd noticed a change in me. I wasn't feeling as good as I had before about being away from home. For the first few days after I went back to California I couldn't even get out of bed. The indescribable pain that followed the days after my father's death was so horrible that I complete blocked out any feeling at all. I started keeping myself busy just so I didn't have to think about…think about anything for that matter. Aside from school I was always doing something: always partying, always studying, and never slowing down. Getting by with as little sleep as absolutely possible was the only rule I lived by.

Aaron didn't like the change he saw in me but he was convinced I would return to my old self before too long. I graduated a year early and got an internship a law firm. I threw myself into the job and I actually started to do okay. I missed my father terribly but I was getting to the point where I could get through the day without feeling like the entire world was collapsing around me.

Life went on, so to speak. My baby sister graduated from high school and I was able to pull myself together long enough to see it. That was the last time I saw her.

Aaron asked me to marry him when I got back. He looked so sincere when he said 'I love you'. I said yes for three reasons: first, he'd stood by me for so longs no questions asked, second, He was as close to perfect as most anyone could get, and third, I was afraid to grow old alone.

Today is my twenty-eighth birthday.

Up until now I haven't given much thought to ever going to back to New Mexico. I tried to avoid thoughts of it at all costs actually, but now I'm older. I'm happy. I'm stable. He always made it clear that I could come back and be their mom whenever I wanted.

The only question that remains is where do I go from here?

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