A/N: As a special treat for the release of New Moon, I decided to post this chapter a little earlier than I originally intended. My sister and I are off tonight to a midnight showing in our Team Carlisle (obviously me) and Team Jasper shirts and we are beyond excited. Enjoy this chapter and enjoy the movie, but don't enjoy them both at the same time. Though, if you want to print out a copy of this chapter and read it while you're waiting for the movie to start, go right ahead. I fully plan on bringing my knitting with me tonight so I have something to do while we're waiting in the theatre with three hundred screaming teenage girls…and their mothers.
Chapter Three: Good Luck With Shooting the Moon
I let the emotions run over me and collapse to the ground in a wave of sobs. I want to cry but no liquid falls from my eyes. I am left heaving for air as the realization of what I am destroys my hopes. All I want is to see him again, to hold his tiny body in my arms. And now that one thing is taken away from me. The one escape I had is gone. Why couldn't they just let me die?
"I'm sorry." Edward says his voice overwhelming with compassion. I look at him in shock and then remember that he can read my thoughts. He knows why I am upset; he knows what I tried to do to myself.
"It's not your fault." Carlisle says. He bends down so he is close to my crumbled form. "It's mine Esme. I'm the one who changed you. I remembered you from when I set your bone, I remembered your scent. And when I smelled your blood flowing that night, I wanted to save you. I needed to save you."
I want to smack him for being so polite. I want to hate him, I want to be mad at him from stealing my death away from me, but I am not. Because when I look into his eyes, I forget everything but him and the desire to be with him, to love him. It throws me off balance for a minute and I am left struggling for a proper train of thought as he looks on compassionately. I am losing myself in the deepness of his golden eyes and my hand goes up to touch the pale perfect skin of his cheek. I cannot control my actions, my hand is being controlled by my heart. He does not flinch as I skim my fingertips over his face, nor does he react. It is an enjoyable sensation, I cannot deny that. His skin is firm under my fingers, inviting. I pull myself up so I am kneeling next to him and I let myself drift close to him. This desire is new to me.
It takes me a few seconds of gently pressing my hand to his cheek to remember that we are not alone. I flit my eyes to Edward and drop them and my hand in embarrassment. What I was feeling was not appropriate in a public place and especially not appropriate with a man I just met. I move away from Carlisle, but not before he brings his hand to my face and pushes a strand of hair that had fallen into my face behind my ear. He does it quickly and efficiently, but I am on the verge embarrassing myself again when he touches me. I want him.
"Do not blame yourself." I find myself saying to the doctor. I do not want him to feel guilty about giving me a second life. I do not want him to associate guilt with my name. I fear that every time he looks at me, he will see nothing but dissapointment. "You couldn't have known."
"There are some rules we need to explain to you Esme." He tells me, rising to his feet. And even though I do not need his help, he still offers his hands to help me to my feet. A gentleman. When we touch, I find myself unable to look in his eyes, concentrating instead on the feeling of his hands entwined with mine.
"We are not like other vampires." He continues, as soon as I am on my feet. Edward sits on a large rock as if preparing for a long story and I join him. "Have you ever heard tales of the vampire?"
I nod once. My mind fills up with a shadowy figure stalking a young girl. He pounces and starts draining blood from her neck. Edward chuckles next to me and I jump slightly. It is going to be hard to remember that my thoughts were no longer my own. I blush as I realize that he knows everything I feel for Carlisle, my hidden desires.
"We are not like other vampires." Carlisle reiterates. "We do not feed from human blood. Almost all others do, but Edward and I are different. We can survive off the blood of animals. All vampires can survive off animal blood, but the taste of human blood is a great temptation. It is our natural choice of nutrition. That is why you are so thirsty. You need to feed."
"I have to kill someone?" I ask in horror. The idea of blood sounds so tempting to my new brain, but the thought of taking a life still crushes heavily on the part of me that is still me.
"No. You can choose to be like Edward and I. You can feed off animals. It is not as, for lack of a better word, tasty, but it is much easier on the conscience. We are predators Esme, but we do not have to be monsters." He assures me. "I have a lot more to teach you, but I know you must be uncomfortable with your thirst. We can hunt first if you like and then continue with the rest of the lessons?"
"I did not realize there was so many rules that a class needs to be held." I smile at him.
"Our world is a very dangerous world. As your creator it is my job to instruct you in the rules before I let you go out in the world." Carlisle tells me.
Go? He wants me to leave? Sadness begins to overcome me. I do not want to go. I want to spend forever with this man.
"You can always choose to stay with our clan." Edward tells me. He slides down the rock so he is next to me. "With you we could call ourselves a proper clan and not just those two strange vampires who like animals." He allows a smile to form on his features and I can tell that he truly does what me to stay.
"Of course you are welcome to stay with us. I do not want you to go—I mean, I did not want to make you feel trapped as if you had to stay." Carlisle stumbles a bit over his words. It is rather becoming.
"I would like to stay." I answer sweetly.
I find myself looking at Carlisle through my lashes as I bend my head slightly forward. A strand of hair falls across my shoulder and I absentmindedly twirl it between my fingers. Carlisle follows the movements of my fingers with his eyes and I realize that I am flirting. I kind of like it.
"Maybe we should start hunting?" Edward suggests. I am jealous of his powers to read minds. I wish I could know what was Carlisle was thinking right now. If he was thinking of me.
"Close your eyes Esme and tell me what you can smell." Carlisle says, coming to stand next to me.
I inhale deeply, sensing his addictive scent, Edward's smell and the forest in general. I can smell blood pumping through tiny hearts and while it does not smell appealing, it smells wet. My thirst is ever so apparent on the back of my throat as I locate where the smells are coming from. Little woodland creatures scurry away from us for safety and even though my eyes are closed, I know where they are scurrying. I can smell a large animal, I think a deer, being stalked by an even larger animal, a bear. The bear smells more appetizing than the deer, but not by a lot.
"Can you smell the hunting bear?" Carlisle whispers.
"Yes." I tell him, not opening my eyes.
"Good, go find him." His hand presses gently on my back, urging me on.
I open my eyes and spring into a full run, following the scent of the bear's blood. I weave in and out through trees until about three miles away from the clearing, I slow. The bear is near me, stalking the deer, not aware that it too is being hunted. The forest is very dark. It is the night of the new moon and the only light in the sky is the tiny pinpricks of the stars. It does not hinder my ability to see the bear as it passes lumbering before me. It doesn't stop me from seeing his pulse beat in its furry neck. I crouch down low and spring, landing forcibly against the larger creature. The force of my hit causes the bear to tumble to the ground and I untangle myself from his large frame and prepare to strike.
My teeth easily tear through the skin and though the bear takes a few good blows at me, soon his blood is flowing in my mouth. The thirst is fading but as soon as the bear runs dry it returns at full force. I step away from the lifeless creature, slightly appalled at what I had done. Carlisle and Edward appear out of the woods, and I feel a bit embarrassed. My hand goes to wipe the traces of blood off my face and mouth as I look sheepishly down at my feet.
"You did well." Carlisle tells me. "There is no reason to feel ashamed. What you did is necessary for your survival and the survival of the humans around you. The thirstier you are, the harder it is to resist human blood."
I imagine a human lying lifeless in front of me as opposed to the bear and my stomach turns. I cannot take life when I have been so eager to give it. Everybody is somebody's child, everyone was small and in a womb once. I do not think I could be the cause or reason why a life is no longer here.
I do not want to kill. All I have ever wanted was to bring life into the world. If I failed, if I killed a human, I do not think I would be able to meet my eyes in the mirror. I could not live with the monster inside of me.
Reviews are always welcomed and fully appreciated. On a side note, I am writing this particular fic because I do relate so much with Esme and her desire to be a mother. All I want to be is a mother too. (Don't tell my boyfriend, he doesn't need to have a heart attack right now.) The last paragraph is something I actually said to my best friend when we were talking about if we make it as vegetarian vampires (not the best conversation to have while waiting in line at a restaurant, everybody stares at you funny).