Declaration, again

I rubbed the face of the pendant lightly with the pad of my thumb, feeling the intricate etching, trying to extract any magical properties, like it was a rabbit's foot. In a way, it was magical- Jacob had carved it when we were on top of the world, in bed together, when he was in love with me. When he wanted to marry me. God, that was only a week ago. How could things have changed so much?

I kept rubbing for several seconds, though I realized that my behavior probably looked suspicious- surely no one would take that long to find their keys in a small bag. But feeling the carved wolf, my face, somehow soothed me- and reminded me of a time where Jacob would do anything for me, do anything to make me happy- which was essentially the entire time I've known him. Minus a couple weeks when he had first become a werewolf, and most recently the last day and a half. Actually, forty-two hours and about twenty-five minutes, I corrected myself. But who was I kidding? Jacob probably wouldn't even notice that I was still here. What was that expression about not knowing what you had until it was gone? I wondered bitterly.

Drawing my strength from what I could swear was the necklace gathered tightly in my left fist, I slowly turned around and strode back towards the front door. Jacob had apparently finished the love-fest with his new imprintee through the window and was now looking at me quizzically. I walked purposefully, decisively, towards him. I had something that I needed to say, and I wasn't going to leave until I said it. And I wasn't going to let anything- not even the devastating loss of my best friend and lover to a complete stranger- make me forget to say it.

"Jacob, there's something that I need to tell you before I go," I said as I approached him. He raised a black eyebrow in acknowledgement but otherwise remained silent, letting me have the floor. I took a deep breath, mentally tried to prepare myself for his reaction. If there was a reaction. Close your eyes. Then you won't know, I told myself. Good idea. "I'm pregnant."

Silence. I heard, felt nothing, for several moments. Briefly, I wondered whether he sneaked away, ran. I was dying to open my eyes, and yet at the same time terrified to. What was he doing? Curiosity got the best of me. I slowly, slowly, squinted one eye as I opened it.

Jacob was shocked. Absolutely shocked- his jaw was practically on the ground. But behind the shock in his dark eyes, I could see the….despair, anguish. Not the reaction that I was looking for. But at least I knew. I knew what was going to come out of his already open mouth before he could even formulate the words. For that, I was thankful. "Bella, it……won't change anything," he finally said. His words were gruff, but as he said them a tear formed at the corner of his eyelid. This was torturing him. Good.

I felt the selfish urge to say more. I wanted to hurt him, cause him a small fraction of the damage that he had inflicted upon me. I thought of the most provoking keywords I could fathom. Let me see if I can use them all in one sentence.

"Jacob, you are the father of this baby. This is ours. Unless you want me to get an abortion?" There. Had I used them all? I couldn't remember- I hoped so.

Jacob looked like he was about to fall apart. I felt some small degree of satisfaction, having let some of my hurt out, turning it back around on him.

Jacob took a few moments, biting his lip, fighting back tears. After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke. "Bella, what I just said was a lie. Of course you having a baby would change things. But it wouldn't make them any better. Trust me. So I'm going to say that what you decide to do is entirely your choice. If you decide to have this baby, I promise to be the best dad I possibly can. My dad was the greatest- and so much of the time I didn't have a mom around- and if you go through with this I want to do whatever I can to honor that, bring the kid up right. I would love it, and provide for it, and always be there for it. But Bella, you need to know that you having a kid isn't going to change the way I feel about Irina. It just isn't- nothing will. And you can try to use this baby to bring us together, and maybe we will see each other more, and maybe we will always have something amazing to share, to talk about. But it won't change how I feel- my heart belongs to her, Bella."

Irina. So that was her name. Conveniently remembering that I in fact had his heart balled up in the palm of my left hand, I wound up, and pitched it towards him as hard as I could, baseball style. Jake looked shocked as it hit him directly in the chest, then fell to the ground. A tiny hint of a grin appeared at the one corner of my mouth. I couldn't help it. I thought of the Cullens' playing baseball. Alice would have been proud. "It certainly doesn't belong to me anymore," I said. Thinking that I had spoken the perfect closing line, one that probably gave me more power than anything else I had said, I turned and started to walk away again.

This time, Jacob did stop me. He had appeared to recover from his momentary daze. "Wait, Bella," he said, reaching out to grab my wrist. "I have something I need to tell you before you go."

"What is it, Jacob?" I asked, a bit rudely. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. His heart was gone. There was no point in continuing to fight for it. I had lost- and now I needed to slink off, make my shameful exit.

"Bella, the day after I met Irina, well, yesterday, I guess, I sat down and had a long talk with the pack. You need to know that I convinced them not to act if the Cullens' break the treaty."

For a moment, I was utterly confused. "What? What are you talking about, Jake? Break the treaty how-" As I was speaking the words, it hit me. How as in how it was going to be broken this morning, I thought.

"Well, in case that you decide that you want to be…" Jacob shuddered, "with your bloodsu- Edward, I don't want the pack to come in the way of that anymore. It's the least we can do- especially because the circumstances are so unique. Obviously, if he bites you it will be because you tell him to."

Despite my earlier breakdown, I felt tranquil now, calm. I nodded brusquely.

Jacob continued. "Bella, I know that you may not believe it right now, but I still love you. " He gripped my arms with his huge hands, stared into my eyes. "Just not in the same way. But you have to know that despite everything that I still want you to be happy." Looking back at him, I could tell he was being sincere. I felt overwhelmed with emotion for a moment, immediately grateful that I let him stop me from my attempted departure a minute ago. Even though Jacob and I didn't have our happy ending, and I no longer had the perfect closing line, that I got to hear those words from him made things better, worth it.

"I love you, too, Jacob," I whispered. "And….I understand. You are with someone now that can give you her entire heart. I have never been able to do that- and you deserve it." I knew that I was diluting any remaining power I possessed, but I didn't care anymore. As much as it pained me to speak the words, they were all true. And any power I had left was not enough to change things, so what was the point in holding on to it? He did deserve better. I had known it all along.

I kissed his cheek once. Then, realizing that I liked this closing line even more, I turned and walked away. I had a lot to think about.