Family, again

I managed to don my brave face while pulling away in the Guardian. Though Jacob's heart was elsewhere, he wasn't an insensitive asshole- he might have been upset enough to try to stop me if I had left with tears streaming down my cheeks. Wishful thinking, Bella. Regardless, I didn't want to chance dragging out our encounter for even another nanosecond- so I contorted my face enough to force back any tears until long after I was out of sight. Funnily enough, even after I reached the point where I could cry freely without being noticed, I found that I didn't want to- my adrenaline was pumping too intensely. Instead, I focused every fiber of my conscious being on evaluating my current situation, leaving my subconscious being no major responsibility except for keeping the Guardian out of oncoming traffic.

I think one of the reasons that I didn't break down again was that I was all cried out. It was a gut-wrenching, tear jerking, heartbreaking visit to see Jacob- but I had expected it to be. That feeling was rapidly being replaced with another one that at this moment was far more difficult to deal with- utter confusion. Not because the emotion itself was any more debilitating- rather, in my heightened emotional state I simply hadn't bothered to look past the sadness I would feel for losing Jacob, so unfortunately it caught me completely by surprise. Deep down I knew that Jacob wasn't going to change his mind and decide to be with me, despite the magnitude of the news that I had just told him. Imprinting was just too absolute- all I had to do was look at Leah to see that. But for some strange reason I hadn't thought about a contingency plan. So what in the hell was I going to do now?

I felt a strange sense of déjà vu, having major issues to internally debate while making the twenty-minute drive from La Push to Forks. I suppose that could be attributed to the fact that Jacob had always seemed to give me something big to think about. I took solace in the knowledge that I would never let that happen again. He had made his choice- and I was driving as far away from him, it, as I could. But where was I going to go? I quickly realized that there was only one answer to that question, no matter how conflicted I might have felt. The Cullen's.

Carlisle and Edward, I had to assume for the sake of my sanity, were still waiting for me, and would be there if I decided to join their family. But….I had my own family, if I decided that was what I wanted instead. Well, sort of, I thought, as I glanced down at my still slender abdomen. But eventually, the little ball of cells in my uterus and I could become a family- as incomplete as it may seem without Jacob, I could at least keep Charlie and Renee in my life. Though I didn't yet know which family I would commit myself to, I did know that at the very least, I needed to tell Carlisle and Edward my decision. Whatever that was going to be.

The question now (besides the BIG question) was- how long could I take to think about it? How long should it take for me to make a decision this big? On one hand, stay human and have Jacob's baby, knowing I would have his help, but not his heart. On the other, give up the rest of my life, and my unborn child, for immortality and an eternity with Edward and the Cullen's. It's not as if I were choosing between two different brands of laundry detergent. I needed to think this through, let the Bella angel and Bella devil over my shoulder duke it out in a no-holds-barred cage match.

On the other hand, I could sense that time was going to be a factor. Thinking that Carlisle and Edward were still waiting for me might have been a safe assumption, but it certainly wasn't a fair one. And after what they've endured, after what I've put the whole Cullen family through, was it reasonable of me to expect for them to wait on me and my indecision, set up everything for the transformation again tomorrow? Or the next day? Or until I could really be certain of what I wanted? Would I ever really be certain?

Furthermore, regardless of what was reasonable, I feared that if I waited too long to make my choice, it might be taken away from me again. I cringed as I thought about Jacob's imprinting. What if I had told him, right then and there when he gave me that necklace, that I wanted to be with him and him alone? What if I had convinced Jacob to stay with me, away from Sam, away from the Yaquina tribe? Perhaps I wouldn't be going through any of this, Jacob and I would be together while I was pregnant with his baby, and all would be right in the world. I cursed myself for playing the what if game. It wasn't going to do me a lick of good now.

I kept driving beyond the turnoff to Charlie's house, heading straight for the Cullen's, desperate to see that things hadn't changed, that they would still hold up their end of the bargain if I asked them to. I hadn't even spoken to Edward alone since finding out from Carlisle that I was pregnant. I prayed that the offer to transform me hadn't been rescinded. Even if I wasn't even sure that I was going to take them up on it, I needed to know that it was there. I needed to be able to make a choice, and if having that choice forced me to make my decision quickly, instinctively, so be it.

For the second time that morning, I parked outside of the Cullen house. The first time I had been ready to be changed; this time, I wasn't so naïve. I was now much more informed about what I would lose in the transformation process. Would what I gain be enough to compensate? That was the million-dollar question.

I walked up the driveway and entered the house without knocking. When I walked into the kitchen, the rest of the Cullen clan was dead silent- naturally, Alice had seen me coming and had been able to hush the conversation prior to my arrival. It was probably just as well, because I most certainly would have preferred to not hear the things that they were thinking about me, saying about me. I said one word. "Edward?" I whispered.

Esme came over to me and put her arm around my shoulders. "He and Carlisle are still upstairs, in his room, Bella," she said sweetly. She rubbed my shoulders gently yet vigorously with her cool hands, creating friction, warming me, comforting me. She was being so sweet. I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve any of them. I turned towards the stairs before I could tear up.

Again, for the second time in as many hours, I walked up the stairs. But this time Edward wasn't guiding me- I was on my own. My heart pounded exponentially louder as I reached the top of the stairs and started towards Edward's bedroom. Obviously Edward and Carlisle would hear me coming, as well.

When I entered the bedroom, Edward and Carlisle were still in the precise positions in which I had left them. While utterly silent, I had the feeling that they, too, had been engaged in serious conversation. Though I knew that vampires didn't need to move the way that people did, and that Edward could read Carlisle's mind thus eliminating the need for speech, it still felt ….well, eerie. As though I had paused a movie, left the room, and forgotten about it, until going back and seeing the still figures on the TV screen.

"I'm….sorry I ran," I choked out hoarsely. My breathlessness didn't have anything to do with my walk up the huge flight of stairs and down the hall and had everything to do with my suddenly paralyzing fear, compounded with my already overwhelming sense of loss. "I just….had to talk to…..Jacob….before I decided." I tried to say it lightly, make it sound like Jacob and I just chit-chatted, as we would about the weather. And that I actually knew what my decision was going to be. Edward wasn't fooled. He approached me slowly and put his arms around me for a hug. I hugged him back for a moment, but I forced myself to stay strong, not to cry, and took a step back from Edward before I could break down. I stuffed my hands into my pockets, trying to keep them warm, and looked downward.

Edward couldn't read my mind, but he could read my face. "I'm so sorry, Bella." He said seriously, reaching out and gently pulling my chin up, looking deep into my eyes. "It looks like you've been through a lot in the past couple of hours. But….please know that I love you more than ever. I would love for you become a part of our family, if you still want to."

I closed my eyes, silently exhaled with some measure of relief. I still had a choice! I could still become a Cullen. Or, I thought, I could become a mom. My hand closed over some change in my pocket, and I separated a single coin with my fingertips, thick and smooth around the edges- it must have been a nickel. Just then, I had a ludicrous thought. Heads- vampire, tails- human? No way, Bella, that's crazy, I told myself. Then again, had I come up with anything better?

Impulsively, I pulled the nickel out of my pocket, flipped it high into the air, watched it tumble end over end. But by the time I heard the clink of the coin on the floor, I was looking in Edward's eyes, not at the result. I broke into a grin. I had made up my mind about which family I wanted to join before the nickel had hit the ground.

A/N: Okay, I've given up on writing any more of this, sorry. I was going to have one more chapter- the Epilogue, describing her life after she made her choice. But face it, either way, Bella's options are pretty bleak- have Jacob's baby when he's in love with someone else, or abort her child to become a part of Edward's family when her first choice was to be with Jacob? While to me this ending was more realistic in theory, it's just depressing to write about- so it reaffirms to me that I made the right decision by writing the happy one.