I slowly swayed forward and reached for the cool metal. I let my hand slip around the pole, leaving a stiletto clad foot anchored at the base. The tip of my other shoe grazed the just waxed floor as it hung limp as I continued to turn around, hanging on with hand. The movements started getting quicker as the pulse of the song picked up in tempo. While turning I had started to slide my hand down and my knee skidded on to the black floor halting my 360. I threw my head around in a circle sending my teased hair in every direction. I leaned backward and arched my back upwards, with every beat flowing from the speakers.

I pulled myself back up the pole, grinding my hips simultaneously. I hooked my leg around the bar and threw myself flying around it so I was in the air. That's when I noticed the man in front of me slap down a fifty,I swiftly got down and strutted towards the big-tipper, gently swinging my hips.

I slid on to the ground right in front of him, sitting on my ankles. I tossed my heading back,and with hair covering my face, I put my hands on the ground then roughly arched my breast up into his face. It was really one of few good tips I had gotten all night. So I kept up the movements an entire song and ran my fingers through his hair and scraped my nails down his chest. I needed him to leave happy if fifty was just a tip. I gave him a small taste of what a paid dance would be. After finishing I went back to the pole, sliding my back down it until I had my knees bent and thighs apart. I glanced towards the round mirror in the corner trying to get a glimpse of the clock behind me. 2:28 a.m. I kept on dancing another 2 minutes waiting for my shift to end. When it did, I gathered all the money and the bra I had kicked to the side of my stage through out the night.

I heard a group of frat boys who had just set down groan as I walked off stage to the back. I went behind the curtain, honestly I needed to go back out because they usually gave bigger tips in groups. And I hadn't made all that much tonight but Tyler would kill me if I went over my shift, it meant he would have to pay me more. Passing through the other waiting dancers I pushed that door open leading to the hall and headed to the back. I pushed open another door half-way down the hall to find Rose pulling on her jeans.

"Hey Rose" I said and walked to my bag full of clothes.
"Hey Bella" she paused, assessing my mood "So how did you do tonight?" She asked hesitantly
"Not good enough but it'll be okay" I pulled on a normal bra and clasped it behind my back. Then pushed on a tank wrapping a coat around it.
"Nothing around here ever is" Rosalie replied. "Don't I know it" I muttered under my breath, to low for her to hear.
"Well, I'm going to go, got class in this morning; see ya tomorrow?" I nodded at her and picked up my things "See ya" I dug into my back and searched.
My hands found the chain and wrapped around it. . I reached around the back of my neck and latched it. Then tucked it under my shirt. I combed my hair out with my fingers then followed her. I reached the bar and told Sam I was leaving and reluctantly handed him a fourth of my tips to give to the owner like every other night.

I trudged out in to the cool air of the night and pulled the hood of coat over my head. I started walking down the street towards my apartment. I didn't get enough money from tonight and I didn't want to waste a bit of it to hail a cab. In reality I never wanted to waste any of it, ever. I only caught one when it was raining or felt as if someone was following which unfortunately happened a lot in my profession. Yeah, never put that part in the movies now did they. As, I walked the three blocks (also, it really wasn't that far) I could feel the familiar pain in my legs that I knew came from dancing in 5" inch heels for seven hours straight. I didn't mind it too much though. I actually tried to concentrate on that pain instead of the one searing through my chest that always came back with a vengeance after leaving the club. I would never be able to get rid of that pain.

I always had meds in my system. They were for the anxiety that had stemmed from that day and now I lived my life half-in half-out, too blurred to really feel anything. They were they only way I could make through the day without breaking down. I sighed, of course he couldn't have just left me physically scarred. No, the bastard went deeper than that. He was always good at that. Where no one could see, until that day. Thursday. April ninth.
The day that was fucking burned in to my memory forever. The day I replayed in my mind constantly and had nightmares about. I remembered every small detail from the way one of his shoes came untied to their blooding trickling down his hands and on to the wood flooring.

That day, he took anything I had left.

I grabbed the cross through my shirt and held on. I sped up once I rounded the corner and saw my building.

Minutes later I was opening the door to the lobby and started towards the elevator with my head down. I was always met with curious eyes when I come in after having the late shift, wondering where I had been. I pressed the round button when I got in. Maybe, they were staring at me because they could see the person I really was, the one I thought I hid mostly..
I heard the ding of the elevator as it stopped.

As I stepped out of the elevator and my heel got caught on the metal lip. I heard the delicate heel snap first then I went down.
I just did not get it, I could fly around the pole pretty damn well but I couldn't walk on a stable surface? I just laid there, sprawled out in front of the elevator. I heard the doors close behind me.
And I could feel tears stinging my eyes for no reason. I was just tired of all this. Everything. Classes,work, the apartment...my life. How much could one person handle before they finally just left it all. My guess was a little less then what I went through because I knew couldn't handle any of this, not anymore.

"Are you okay?" The voice caused me to jump up so I was sitting, I hadn't even heard footsteps, I looked up and was met with green eyes. He had an eyebrow quirked probably wondering why I was sitting on the floor. But I couldn't move still to frozen by how real my epiphany was.
"Uh..I'm fine" I stuttered.
The sound faltered because even though I knew he was asking about my fall, I still wasn't sure what I was answering. Well I was fine for what he was wondering. His eyes narrowed slightly at my voice. But he seemed to brush it off, not really caring. "Right"
He stuck his hand out to me to help me up and I took it. But as he pulled me up I forgot about the broken heel and stumbled on to him as soon as I was up. He steadied me with his hands on my shoulders, straighten me up. He didn't look angry or mocking or even aggravated; he really didn't have an expression. I just noticed how tired he looked with dark circles under his eyes.

He was beautiful, but that was overshadowed by his worn face.
His emerald eyes were intense and he had a mess of bronze hair that looked like he had just rolled out of bed. Which considering it was three something in the morning, he probably had. Not everybody was just getting back from work, normal people were sleeping or working third shift, not many people got off at 2:30. And I was pretty sure he wasn't a stripper. I diverted my eyes to anywhere but his face.

"Sorry" I took a deep breath before I looked back to his face.
"Don't apologize" I gave him a small smile and a nod and turned to leave, I took two steps with the broken shoe before I stopped to pull them off. I turned back to see a door shutting near the elevator.

I took the keys from my purse and placed them in the lock and turned. I closed the door behind me and locked it again. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I laid my keys on the table, and though I was disgusted at the image there, I could see the faint blush on my face. Apparently, I could give men lap dances all night be fine but couldn't handle stumbling in to someone. I was so damn messed up.
I sighed and turned from myself but stopped short. I slowly turned back mirror and carefully lifted my shirt over my head. I took the clothing and wiped at the stage make-up on my stomach until it all was gone. I closed my eyes at what I saw, after a few deep breaths I opened them back up to see the marks that were scattered up my abdomen to my chest. I ran my finger over the largest one, feeling the slight raise of the scar.

My throat got tighter. I felt the tears start to well in my eyes. Breathing deeply I tried to will it all away. But minutes later I suddenly got flashes of laying at the bottom of a set of stairs and blond hair. That's when the hysteria start to rise. And a tear slid down my cheek while a sob broke from somewhere inside. The ache in my chest growing worst by the second.
I turned away and ran for the bathroom. Flinging the cabinet open and grabbed the bottle of phenelzine and threw one in my mouth along with a Tylenol three.
I stuck my head under the faucet in the sink. Letting the water fill my mouth until they were swimming in my cheeks and then quickly swallowed.

I place my hands on either side of the sink, feeling the strands of my wet hair against my face, and waited for the medicine to kick in. I looked up at the reflection that was staring back and quickly looked back down. Without thinking I reached to the side and grabbed a rag from the counter with my eyes never leaving the sink. I took the cloth, that was already stained different colors and turned on the hot water on, wetting it then covered it in cold cream. I watched in the mirror as I wiped off the dark shadow on my eyelids, the black liner and the red stain that colored my lips. Slowly I pulled off my jeans and t-shirt and threw them in the hamper on the way to the bed. I tip-toed, careful not to wake Alice if she was here.

I was already feeling the familiar medicated numbness setting in. I sat on the edge of my bed staring at the dark wall for I'm not sure how long, I sat there until I finally couldn't hold my eyes open. I stood up and reached for the ceiling fan, pulling the chain until it was on high. Then walked to the head of the bed, I got under the covers wearing nothing but my bra and underwear.

Air conditioning hadn't been working for a couple of weeks and I just keep forgetting to call someone and Alice was never home. So I was still covered in a light sheen of sweat from the episode. I needed to get it fixed if I could afford it. I hadn't had time to count tonight's tips but I was sure it couldn't be to much. Only a few of my regular costumers had shown up tonight and the others hadn't tipped much tonight. I needed more than that. My saving instead of going up had been decreasing a little , which wasn't good. But maybe I wouldn't need the money, thinking of my same epiphany from the earlier that I could leave it all.
I hated the job. I hated dancing in just underwear and on poles. I hated the shoes. And hated the way some of them looked at me.

I loved the power. When I'm in the club, I have all the power over men, which is something that I never had and only had in the club. It felt good to not be owned for once because even though he was gone he still had all the power over me. But the job was just for money and I wanted out but I had to have it.

No one knew what I did except for Alice and Jasper. And the other dancers understood the money factor. The men that came in regularly just looked down on me if they ever passed me in public but most don't recognize my face anyway.

I reached up and touched the necklace like every night. My father had never been religious,my mother had; I didn't know. I wasn't convinced, if there was something else, some thing more, then how could someone let what happened happen. How could they let a lot of things in this world happen to people who didn't deserve any of it and nothing to people like me who did. But I didn't have it for them or any of those reasons. I kept the cross because it had been Jacob's. He always wore it, since he got when he was fifteen and he had been when he died. I remember having the conversation with the nurse who came in my room to check on me. I told her it was mine so I could have it. I knew his father had seen me wearing it at the funerals but he said nothing.

I tried not to remember anything else of my past and hopefully I would be able to sleep without the dreams tonight. I turned over and looked at clock, the blinking numbers read 4:23. I rolled back over and felt my eyes slip close but the green light kept shining through my lids. As tired as I was I still couldn't ignore it for some reason. I hopped out of bed and grabbed the closest shirt I could find, balled it up and threw it in front of the display. I could still see it though not as bright. I really didn't know why it was bothering me so much.
But like everything else in my life I would just cover it up, close my eyes, turn my head and act like it wasn't there.

It didn't work good enough, an hour later I finally fell asleep.