…And after a fuck of such epic proportions, only one thing could have dragged us, sticky and sore, out of bed and straight into our clothes—the sound of Alphonse Elric running amok in the kitchen, screaming at the top of his lungs:
"THIS IS IT! OHHH GOD…THE BABY'S COMING!"
Ed was in such a blind panic he grabbed my jeans by mistake, not noticing the error until he stood to zip up. "Goddamnit!" he growled, his automail hand literally shredding them off his hips.
"Those were new," I pointed out.
He shot me a poisonous look and threw the tatters across the room. "Gimme my goddamned pants, Mustang." We'd have launched into another of our epic spats if it hadn't been for the muffled cry we heard from the kitchen, followed by some of the most pungent Cajun patois I've ever heard in my life:
"Nom de dieu de bordel de merde! ("Goddamn-fucking-shit-almighty") Goddamn you, you sawed off little shit, get your ass out here now before I drag you out by your motherfucking ponytail! C'est vraiment de ta faute! ("It's all YOUR fault!")"
"She can't talk to you like that!" Ed protested.
I pointed at my own hair, neatly trimmed above my collar. His was currently long enough to brush the middle of his back. "And as for being 'sawed off', I'm 5'11"."
"Who are you calling—"
The door cracked open. Alphonse poked in his head. He was pale and sweaty and looking incredibly embarrassed. "Must be the hormones kicking in," he stammered. "Sh-she'd like a word with you, Ni-isan."
A low moan was followed, this time, by a few choice bon mots in my native language. "EDO! Yowayowashii! Kocha koi! ("ED! You chickenshit! Come out here and get your ass kicked!")"
Pushing Alphonse to one side, Ed strode into the kitchen with as much dignity as a 102-year-old man can muster after having his balls smeared with vanilla ice cream, being reamed to the point of babbling insanity and now—horror of horrors—having his disciple insult his height and his honor. "Sounds like somebody's getting ready to have a baby!" he boomed cheerfully.
She growled at him.
According to Alphonse, the dying Colonel mistook Teddy for a Valkyrie. I stared at her from the doorway, seconds before she hurled a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting right at my lover's head. Her chestnut hair had morphed into serpentine tatters, through which blazed a pair of demonic eyes which reminded me in no small way of Yao the Psychotic Psiamese moments before launching himself at Ed's naked ankle.
Valkyrie, my ass. She'd transmuted into a goddamn Fury.
"YOU!" She clawed the air with one hand, gesturing towards her heaving belly with the other. "YOU…DID…THIS…TO…ME!"
"Tricia Edward Elric, what the hell's gotten into you?" he yelped. The spine of the book caught him right above the left eyebrow, leaving a mark that was already starting to swell.
She shot across the kitchen and caught him by the sleeves. "What got into me?? An arrogant little pissant and his one-eyed smirking bastard, that's what got into me! All I did was let you borrow my body so you could pass through the Gate and say goodbye to Colonel Sarcasm, and what did you do? You fucked your brains out using my body. I guess the words pull out aren't in your vocabulary, are they? You just wanted to ride your goddamned Mustang, didn't you?"
Ed's jaw dropped, and before he could fire off a retort that might get Teddy twenty to life for aggravated homicide, I pressed my hand tightly over his mouth. "For once in your life," I hissed in his ear, "let me do the talking." His head jerked in agreement.
I approached her cautiously, hands open, palms up, same as I would do if confronted with an angry Rotweiler. "Teddy? I'm here—let me help you."
I'll never forget the terror in her eyes—almost as bad as the day they told her she had cervical cancer ten years ago. She stammered out my name and held out her arms, mutely pleading for me to do something. I gathered her close and kissed her, alarmed by her damp, icy skin. She was shivering in pain and making small frightened noises like a child trapped in a bad dream. I took her face in my hands and forced her to look into my eyes. "I know you're scared. I know it hurts. Remy and I are going to take care of you. We're going to get you to the birthing center. And if it doesn't bother Havoc, I'll stay with the two of you during delivery, all right?"
She blinked up at me. "You'd—you'd do that? It wouldn't make you sick? It's going to be pretty bloody and disgusting. You haven't seen the pictures Hughes sent us."
"Yes I have, and I'm going to beat the shit out of him first chance I get." I could have killed him, sending those goddamn jpegs. Birth may be messy and painful, but Teddy didn't need it flung in her face like this, even if that wasn't what Mays had in mind when he sent the files. "You should be pissed at me, not just Edo. After all," I grinned slightly, "he may have been holding the loaded gun—but in the end I was the one who fired it."
"And apparently you weren't shooting blanks, you son of a bitch." She bit her lip suddenly and blanched.
"And, okay—maybe Edward did get you into this mess," I shot him a half-apologetic glance over my shoulder, "but remember how great he was with you when you were little? Your daughter is going to love her Uncle Edo as much as you do. I know right now you want to kill him…but remember how much he loves you, even if he is a selfish little prick sometimes—"
"HEY!"
I glared at him. He opened his mouth to argue, then wisely shut it. Instead he mumbled something that sounded like "I'm sorry", joining us to gingerly stroke her sweaty hair. "Kiddo?" he ventured cautiously.
She didn't look at him. "Edo."
"Love you."
After a painful silence, she flung her arms tightly around him. "Damn right you do."
"Don't be scared, Kiddo. You'll be fine. Besides, I delivered a baby back in Amestris. It went great. You're in good hands, I promise."
Our little Hallmark moment was interrupted by the Havocs, armed with suitcases and a small cooler. The expressions on our faces must have alarmed Jean-Remy. "Mon dieu! Petite, are you all right?"
"Non," she told him truthfully, "but I will be when this is all over."
"Then let's get you to Toho." He glanced at Jeanne-Marie. "Will you call down and tell them we were coming?"
By this time, all of us had the Toho Women's Birthing Center on speed dial, just in case. "Huh! Somethin's wrong with my phone," she muttered. "Not dialing right, or I'm not getttin' an answer. Papa Alphonse? You dial it, yes?"
Nothing. My phone, Ed's phone, even Teddy tried it. "Toho is the best in Tokyo—probably the best in Japan. I mean, it's not like they would have closed down or anything….d'ya think?" Teddy passed her Razr to Ed. "Keep trying, will you? Daddy, try the land line." Her face contorted sharply. "I'm….owwwwwwwww!...I'm going to sit down a minute."
"Maman? What do you think? Should we head on out or wait until we reach Matsumine?"
"Let me see how she's getting' on—Teddy, cher, let's go in the bedroom for a minute—" Jeanne-Marie was about to steer Teddy into our bedroom, which was in a potentially embarrassing state of chaos. The room reeked of sex and vanilla, the sheets were wet and stained and our clothing was flung all over the carpet. Ed blocked the doorway, grinning sheepishly. "Uhhh, let's take her into Al's room," he offered. Jeanne-Marie just scowled at him and shoved him aside, guiding Teddy to the bed and closing the door firmly behind her.
Five minutes later, Mrs. Havoc emerged. She glared at me, then at Edward. "You boys are sick, you know that?"
I heard the faint creak-whirrr of automail fingers clenching into a fist, which Edward wisely jammed into his pocket. "Well? How much time do we have?"
"Enough. If we head out now." She nodded to her son. "You can carry her, yes?"
"Of course!"
"D'accord. Gentlemen, get your shit together. We leavin'."
"Move over, Ed. You drive like a maniac even when there isn't a crisis."
Since Teddy and the Havocs had moved into the flat down the hall, Alphonse decreed that we needed 'family transportation'—something roomy enough to hold six adults and an infant seat. I located a second hand Toyota minivan that one of our neighbors was willing to loan out to us. After all, here in Japan it's not the cost of the car that's the problem—it's the cost of upkeep, the mandatory shaken inspections, insurance and the hideously expensive gasoline. It's not out of the ordinary for someone to 'give' you a car, if you agree to pay half the expenses. We'd worked it out neatly, and Miyabi-san assured us that we'd have full access to the van around the expected delivery date.
We'd piled into the freight elevator and carefully bundled Teddy into the middle seat, with Alphonse on one side, Remy on the other. Jeanne-Marie climbed into the 'way-back' seat with all our luggage and paperwork, while I shoved Edward out from behind the wheel. He buckled himself into the passenger side and I cranked up the engine. "Better let it run a few minutes," I told them. "It's really cold out there."
About a minute after I switched on the heater Alphonse spoke up. "What—is—that—smell?"
"Baise-moi!" Havoc made a disgusted face, looked down at the floor of the van and hastily lifted his feet. "Someone puked all over the floor back here!"
Jeanne-Marie chimed in from the rear. "Goddamn! Anybody got a Kleenex?"
"I've got a handkerchief," Ed offered, digging into his breast pocket.
"You're not going to want it back," she shuddered. "There's something…quelle horreur! Roy, just how well do you know your neighbors?"
"What's that got to do with anything?" I shot back. "Do you know how hard it was to find a van we could use?"
"What's that in the ash tray?" Teddy peered over her father's shoulder to the small compartment in the passenger side arm rest. "SHIT! Ohhhh, that's revolting!"
"What, goddamn it??"
"I ain't touching that!" Jeanne-Marie barked. "Jamais! Teddy, watch where you put your hands! God knows what we might catch in this heap."
I craned my neck to see what all the shouting was about. Poking out of the ashtray in the middle seat was…a condom. The kind they sell in those cheesy machines in public restrooms. You know the kind I'm talking about—"Sold For The Prevention of Disease Only", "Ribbed for Her Pleasure", "Exciting Colors—Try Them All!", "Real Fruit Scent", "Lubricated—Reservoir Tip". This one was strawberry, judging from the color of the ring poking out of the half-closed lid. The one plastered to the rear seat, the one Jeanne-Marie accidentally put her hand on, was one of those branded "Sold As A Novelty Only". It glowed in the dark.
Edward flipped on the overhead light. Big mistake. The floor was littered with condom wrappers, crumpled swatches of Saran Wrap, empty beer bottles, puddles of…well…recycled beer, and a scattering of shrimp chips and bar snacks, crushed into the reeking carpet. Draped over the dashboard, what I thought was a scarf turned out to be a pair of rather pungent nylon panties, stained with what appeared to be love oil and adorned with pictures of Hello Kitty. I was guessing they'd been hastily yanked off and forgotten by Miyabi's date.
"Edward," I said softly, "if I test positive for herpes—"
"You caught it from the steering wheel," he nodded, looking ill.
Teddy spoke up from behind us. "Taisa? Can we get going? Please?"
"Shit! Will you look at that?"
We pulled out through the gate into a total whiteout.
"Hey, did Miyabi put those snow chains on like he promised?"
"Didn't check."
"Goddamn it, Mustang! That shit's got to be ten inches deep! We'll never make it. Get out and check!"
"I'll check," said Remy. "You guys stay put, yes?"
"No, keep your feet dry, Remy. Ed'll go—won't you?"
My lover dashed around the van, peeked around the wheel wells, and scrambled back inside. "Yeah…chains on. Let's roll."
At that moment, the streetlights overhead flicked once or twice before blinking out all together. In the back seat, Teddy squirmed and moaned. "Crap," I muttered. "It's like driving on a skating rink! There's a good layer of ice all over the street under the snow! We should have gotten out earlier. Remy, why didn't you tell us Teddy was so close?"
There was a moment of awkward silence. "Teddy said we should wait until you two were…ah….?"
"You were fucking your brains out," Teddy finished. "I didn't want to go without either of you. If I'd known it was going to be more than a quickie, I'd have left you a note."
My lover snorted, "That's his damn fault. He tied me to the bed and smeared ice cream all over my—"
"—anybody seen my iPod??" Alphonse cut in frantically.
A handful of drunken revelers stumbled out of a sake bar and right into the path of our van. I braked hard, skidded and bounced up on the curb. "Sorry! Everybody all right? Teddy? How are you?"
"ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME?" she roared. "Goddamn you, Mustang!" I glanced nervously towards my lover. He looked inordinately pleased that I was getting the same scorching she'd unleashed on him back at the flat.
"Better check the tires," he suggested with a grin.
A cursory glance suggested that Miyabi-san had purchased his snow chains from the bargain bin at the 100 Yen store around the corner. They appeared to be made of some flimsy material, possibly the pop-tops from juice cans. The right front tire hissed ominously. I swore under my breath and yanked open the door on Edward's side. "Better call a taxi. We're screwed. We try to drive this heap any further and we're going to have a blowout."
Power was out all over the street, and the bartenders and restaurateurs were chasing their customers out into the frosty night. I pushed my way through the crowd of men leaving a shop nearby. "I need to use your phone," I told the shop owner. "My sister's in the van outside—she's having a baby. We're trying to get her to the Toho clinic across town."
"Not in this storm you're not," he assured me gleefully. "Power's out in half the city. You better bring her inside—"
"Go on, beat it!" A thickset man with a single, bushy eyebrow thumped me on the shoulder, but after the owner explained the situation he nodded once and headed out the door.
"Mendou-san will help. He can carry her," the owner, whose name was Maruchan, offered. "We don't have power in here either, but at least it's warmer than outside."
"You people got an extra flashlight we can use?"
"Jeanne-Marie? Look under the middle seat. Emergency kit is supposed to be down there. Grab it, will you?"
Alphonse looked worried when Mendou-san yanked open the van door. "Where are you taking her? Who are you?" The thickset man grunted that his boss was letting us shelter in their shop until we could get a taxi. Edward's brother brightened noticeably with relief. "Well, that's nice of him. Thank you, Mr.--?"
"I'm Mendou. You, yan-ki. Move outta the way," he grunted at Havoc.
Those blue eyes flickered dangerously for an instant. "She's my wife," he answered shortly, but climbed out of the way and helped Teddy out into the snow. Mendou-san, a hulking gorilla in a cheap suit, swung her effortlessly off her feet and marched back into the darkened shop, the rest of us hurrying in his wake.
There were two measly flashlights—ours and Mendou's. "Got any candles?"
The cashier allowed that they did, but added quickly, "They're inventory."
"Fine, we'll pay up when we leave," said Ed impatiently. "What kind of place is this, anyway?"
Mendou
and the cashier grinned at each other. "Toy
shop,"
they chimed in unison. Then they laughed like hell.
I flicked the
flashlight beam across the well stocked shelves that crammed the
aisle. Edward chuckled nastily. "Guess we know where Miyabi shops
for his lady friends." Row after row after row of pink latex, green
and purple jelly, silicone and clear acrylic, shaped, carved, molded
and sculpted into fantastic shapes that bore very little resemblance
to actual human genitals, save for those bearing labels like
"Cyberskin" and "molded from so-and-so's actual cock and
balls!" and "squeezably real!"
"Check this out," I teased him, poking my finger at the True-To-Life-Colt Commodore Love Doll that stood forlornly in the shadows wearing nothing but a pair of black silk boxers with day-glo hearts printed all over them. "It vibrates in three places."
"And unlike you, Mustang, a Love Doll doesn't bitch all the time," Ed smirked, "and if he pissed me off I could pull out the plug, stomp out the air and stuff him in the closet. Not to mention I'd save a fortune on Christmas and birthday presents."
"And you can hang your ties on his bibitte (erection) when you're not playing with it," Jeanne-Marie pointed out. "Edouard, you bioque (moron)! Only a fool would rather ride a pink plastic Colt when there's a lively Mustang around!"
This riveting discourse was interrupted by a cry from Teddy. "Monsieur, do you have any place she can lie down?" Havoc pleaded.
"Someplace clean," Jeanne-Marie added quickly, remembering the condition of our bed. Apparently the only beds in the place had been…well…recently occupied by men and women who weren't immediate family. "Got anything clean to throw over them? If she starts to give birth we must think about cleanliness for the bebe, non?"
The golden phrase, 'starts to give birth' made them dive for their cell phones, trying to get through to the local taxi dispatcher. Teddy sank to her knees and Remy helped her lie down, her head and shoulders resting against his chest. "Petite ange, I'm so sorry," he whispered, brushing the damp hair back from her forehead. "I should have insisted. I should have gotten you to the clinic before the storm. You'd be—"
"—in the dark and cold, just like I am here. M'fault, love. I was the one who wanted to wait—ah—aaahhhhh!"
"Darlin', let me check you—you, Mendou? You and Mr. Maruchan—why don't you show the boys some—well, whatever. Just give us a minute alone with the flashlight, yes?"
"And no peeking," Remy warned darkly.
There were latex gloves in the condom aisle. "Put 'em on the tab," we told Maruchan, along with some generic lubricating jelly that thankfully didn't smell like pina coladas. Remy held Teddy who moaned and stifled a sob despite Jeanne-Marie's best efforts to be gentle. I could hear him whispering tenderly to her in French, telling her not to be afraid, reminding her how deeply he loved her and her child, kissing her again and again. I can't tell you what that meant to me, how it eased my mind, because truth to tell, this was my child too. In the early days of her pregnancy I nursed private fears that Jean-Remy might not be willing to raise another man's child as his own, especially since Teddy and I have been a part of one another's lives for over three decades. To my great surprise he opened his heart not only to the child but to me as well. During the six months they'd spent with us in Tokyo I'd come to respect that Jean-Remy Havoc was not an ordinary man—as Teddy put it, "he wound up with that broad, beautiful chest because his heart is bigger than average." No offense to Hughes, but Havoc was truly the first man, in my eyes, who was good enough for Teddy Elric. He is the best of men and the anchor who was keeping this whole insane situation from blowing completely to hell.
We lit one of the candles we had purchased. It had an odd, musky aroma. "Supposed to be 'pussy scented', according to the label," Ed pointed out.
"Bullshit."
One blonde eyebrow arched sarcastically. "How would you know?"
I smiled over my shoulder in Teddy's direction. "I was hers before I was yours, asshole, or have you forgotten Berkeley?"
"Part of you is still hers." There was a fond look on his face as he remembered our early days together in California, back when I was a chemistry major and he was a visiting professor—and I was still in a triad with Teddy and Hughes. "I'm sure Havoc figured that out early on."
"It's different than it was when we were lovers. But…yeah, you're right. Is that because she and Alphonse went back through the Gateway to help me in my last life? Is that why we're so close now?"
"Taisa! She needs you!" It was Remy, looking genuinely worried. I hurried over and knelt down beside her, tucking her clammy hand tightly into my own.
"She needs us both," I told him. "Is it time?"
Jeanne-Marie nodded soberly. "Not on this filthy floor. Can we get her up on the counter? We need room to work. Alphonse!"
"Right here, Jeanne!"
"We need newspaper, some towels, scissors, and clean water—and is there anything we can put on the counter to pad it?"
Ten minutes later we brought Teddy to her delivery table.
Four half-inflated Colt Commando love dolls were laid face down across the service counter, their naked vinyl backs covered with copies of the local gay and lesbian street paper, Nippon Rainbow News. Remy laid his coat over the papers and my coat provided her a modesty drape so that Maruchan, Mendou and the cashier wouldn't see more than absolutely needful. Teddy pointed out that, while the whole arrangement was pretty damned unorthodox, it was surprisingly comfortable. "Kind of like Magic Fingers in a cheap hotel."
"How's that?"
She patted one the heads that hung grotesquely over the edge of the counter—it had a piratical eye patch and a mustachioed mouth open so wide you could see half-way down its latex throat. "Vibrates in three places!" Another contraction made her pant hard against the rapidly increasing pain. "Hughes is going to laugh his ass off when he hears about this," she gasped. "Wish he was here."
"No you don't." I kissed her fingers lightly and she pulled her nails out of the back of my hand. "He'd be up your hako with a telephoto lens, and then Remy would have to kill him."
"Edouard! Get over here!" Jeanne-Marie was in no mood for jokes. "Papa Alphonse, you hold the flashlight." She tossed a pair of black latex gloves at my lover.
"What the fuck?"
"You said you helped deliver a child once, vraiment? So get over here and assist me."
"But—"
"Remy, get up there and hold her, like we practiced. Let her rest against your chest."
"But—"
"Taisa, you monitor her breathing. Make sure she stays in rhythm. You and Remy will have to watch her. If she gets into trouble I have to know, d'accord? Edouard, where the hell are you?"
"But—" he spluttered a third time, "she's my niece! I—I mean, I…I can't look—"
"I DON'T GIVE A MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN WHAT YOU SEE!" Teddy screamed, her body going rigid. "Help me, Edo!"
"Teddy! C'mon! Don't tense up," I told her. "You're doing beautifully."
She closed her eyes and tears began dripping down her cheeks. "Mama," she whispered. "Mama…help me."
I glanced over at Alphonse, leaning in close with the flashlight. Like a mantra, he was softly saying the same phrase over and over: "Winry…we need you…Winry…we need you…"
Edward, on the other hand was gnawing his bottom lip and muttering, "ohh shit….ohhh shit!" again and again. Then he smiled, glanced towards Teddy and laid his hand over her upraised knee. "She's got black hair." To my absolute astonishment, he reached down and gently touched the crown of Izumi's head. "Hey, kiddo," he told her. "Welcome back."
"Can I have some of that?"
"Huh? Sure."
"Thanks."
Three hours and two cab rides later we finally arrived at Toho Women's Clinic. The generator was up, and Teddy and little Izumi were hustled into an exam room while the rest of us headed for the family rooming-in suite that had been reserved for Ms. Trisha Rockbell and family—the alias made necessary to prevent a paper trail that would link Teddy's medical records with the records of her daughter's birth.
Izumi was doing fine and mother and daughter were both given warm baths, clean gowns and settled in for the remainder of the night. Remy and Teddy were now asleep, sharing a full size western-style bed. On the other side of the partition, Alphonse snored on the couch while Jeanne-Marie commandeered the rollaway bed. A pair of single futons had been laid out for Edward and I, but neither of us felt sleepy. There was a tiny rooftop Zen garden just outside our suite and that's where I found my lover, sipping coffee and watching the sleepy koi under a thin crust of ice in a patio pond much like we had at home.
It had been one hell of a night. Mays Hughes once commented that the Elric Family "is a bunch of shit magnets", swearing that an Elric can't wipe his or her ass without it turning into some sort of epic crisis. Izumi's birth would have unquestionably gone down in family history as the single most outrageous episode since the brothers left Germany with Fritz Lang before the second World War.
But…unfortunately…nobody was going to hear the tale, other than Hughes, Gracia, Alfons and Win-Sara, Teddy's older siblings. And maybe Edwin, her alchemic disciple, if he gets his head out of his ass and rejoins the human race.
"I don't want to lie to my child," Teddy told me the night she announced that she was pregnant as a result of a rite of Tantric Alchemy—with a man who had been dead now for fifty years.
A man who had been me. And I didn't want to lie to my child either, but for now—maybe for all time—this was how it had to be. One day, maybe, Izumi would receive her red coat, learn to draw arrays and be told the truth—that she had been Izumi Curtis, a powerful master of alchemy, who loved Edward and Alphonse Elric so profoundly that she took birth in their bloodline to look after their descendants and successors.
In the grey light of dawn we stood together, Edward Elric and I, as we had for over three decades of loving and fucking and fighting, and at that moment I swear I loved him more than I had when I was a kid of nineteen and he was only 70—and not looking a day over 40. I had just turned fifty. Ed would soon be 103, still without a single grey hair in his ponytail. Still able to infuriate and arouse me.
Always my lover. Soon to be my husband—and that was going to be another nightmare, arranging our wedding this spring at the Gay resort on Ranamuerte. Why couldn't we just—"
"Ed?"
"What?"
"Give me your hand."
He glanced up at me. "Edward Elric, I take you as my lover and husband. For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health. And death is not going to part us."
He tossed the coffee mug over his shoulder into the snow. His arms slid around my shoulders. "Taisa Roy Mustang of the Miyazaki Clan, I take you as my lover and my husband, on BOTH fucking sides of the Gateway. And don't you dare make me chase you halfway around the world and Amestris to find you when we're born again, you little shit!"
We kissed for a long, long time. "So," I finally murmured against his cheek, "that's it, then. Everything else is legal window dressing."
"Yeah. This was the part that mattered."
"Should we tell 'em?"
He shook his head. "This is Izumi's birthday. Let's not steal her thunder."
I nodded and kissed him again. "We ought to drink a toast to her, except you broke the damn mug."
He shrugged. "Hell, just add it to the tab—along with half a dozen 'pussy-scented' candles—"
"—seven copies of the Nippon Rainbow News—"
"—five pairs of 'ribbed-for-pleasure' latex gloves—"
"—four Colt Commando blow up love dolls--"
"—that vibrate in three places!"
"—which is too much information!"
"—for one SHIT MAGNET family—"
"AND A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREEEEEEEEE!" We finished, laughing so hard several lights blinked on around us and one of the nurses came out to chase us back to our loved ones just as the sun rose over Tokyo…
(From the Alchemic Diaries of Taisa Roy Mustang)
Mardi Gras 2008, Risembool South (Sullivan's Island, Atlantic Coast, USA)
Eventually Alphonse will forgive me for interrupting his daughter's handfasting—but honestly, all I did was ask the bride a simple question:
"Can I have my gloves back?"
Whereupon chaos erupted…not that chaos isn't the norm in this family.
While Ed and I were in the muddled mess of planning our own wedding, Teddy's lover, Jean-Remy Havoc, had managed to at least talk her into a 'trial run'—a Pagan handfasting for a year and a day—before she'd make the commitment of marrying him. On the one hand, he loved her the way Alphonse had loved her mother Winry—and that's saying a hell of a lot. On the other hand, I could understand Teddy's reluctance, which we were arguing about as I was helping her get ready for the handfasting rite, which would be celebrated on the beach at sunset and would continue until the last Havoc passed out…or until the last Elric got punched out. "Goddamn it, can't you lace this bodice any tighter?"
"Why don't you shove your breasts up a little higher," I bitched, yanking on the strings, "so I have more room to work with?"
"If I shove my tits up any higher I can wear them as earings." Nonetheless, she dug her hand inside the front of her Renfaire-type handfasting dress, yanked up two bountiful handfuls of what Hughes used to call her "great….tracts of land" and then ordered me to haul away on the laces. "Ooooff! Christ, I can hardly breathe! Good thing I'm not lactating any more, or I'd look like a goddamned Italian fountain!"
" Suck in your breath, Miss Scarlett," I taunted.
"Fuck you, Mustang—ohhh…now what's your problem, munchkin?" Sprawled across the bed, Izumi began to kick and fret softly. "You've already had a toxic waste spill, right? Are you wet again?"
I gathered up my goddaughter and checked for any leakage. "She's fine. Probably going to get a complex, though, seeing her former food source laced up and abused with that bodice. Can you even breathe in that contraption?"
"No," she chuckled. "But Havoc's gonna have a seizure when he gets a look at this dress. He may have to borrow my flowers to hide a spontaneous erection of epic proportions. Nothing like having a baby to turn a pair of tangerines into cantaloupes!"
"Yeah, he was always a sucker for big boobs. That's what got him paralyzed."
Teddy spun around so fast she popped her lacing. "What the fuck did you say?"
"Huh?"
"Taisa….what…did...you..say?" Before I could answer, Izumi's fussing changed to a contented coo—she does that when I hold her, for some damned reason. Teddy says she loves me already, but I'd hardly think she would have developed such excellent judgment at less than four months.
"Is it like looking in a mirror?" Teddy asked softly, one finger gently brushing the fine ebony hair out of her daughter's night-black eyes—oddly contrasted against Izumi's milk-pale skin. "She looks like she doesn't even know me. Good thing you and Edo cobbled up a plausible explanation as to why my 'adopted' child looks uncannily like her godfather."
"Well," I joked, "you could always say Izumi is my child—which is essentially the truth—but that she was conceived in an act of Tantric Alchemy on the other side of the Gate with a one-eye'd Flame Alchemist who's been dead for over half a century so he could be reborn on Earth as a half-Japanese bastard who's about to marry your 102 year old uncle…"
"….whom he was banging over the file cabinets and in the supply closet back at Central. Riiiiiiight—"
"—and that Truth restored what you lost from that hysterectomy--just in time for you to conceive, since neither of you had the presence of mind to use a condom for sex magic—"
I was interrupted by a sharp rap on the door, seconds before Jeanne-Marie Havoc strode in, looking thoroughly pissed. "I'm gonna kill dat boy!" she growled. "T'ink he's gonna sulk and hide on today of all days! I caught 'im tryin' to slink off over de dunes. Caught 'im by 'is arm an' I said, 'you break your Aunt Tee's heart, you don' show up for her handfastin'. You know she want you dere, chile. You get your scrawny-assed self back to de house before I kick your tail, d'accord?' An' dat ungrateful little connard (fool) said he wasn't gonna show 'is face where Roy an' Oncle Edouard might be togedder. Il me rends dingue! (he's driving me nuts) You ask me—an' I know you didn't—I tell you de boy ain't worthy to be yo' alchemic disciple. Boy wanna whole lot more ass kickin' before he turn out right, vraiment?"
Teddy shot me an apologetic look. I shrugged it off. "He's either going to get over this homophobic crap or he's not. But remember, Jeanne-Marie, Edwin's only a kid, really. I'm not sure what's eating him, but it could be something a lot deeper, and he's just lashing out at the two easiest targets—the family faggots."
She laid her hand on my shoulder. "Cher, you don' talk like dat about yourself aroun' me, non? You an' Edouard an' Papa Alphonse—you de heart of dis family. An' you one of de best friends Jean-Remy's ever had. We get aroun' that little pissant, sooner or later. We get le petit monsieur Edwin Elric to dance at yo' weddin', when you and Oncle Edouard tie de knot. And speakin' of tyin' de knot, Teddy—I brought what you asked for. Remy's kept it all togedder. Here."
It was one of those leather briefcases that sports about a thousand locks on it—the kind presidential aides keep handcuffed to one wrist in the event of nuclear war. Only three people had the combination—the three "Red Coats" of the Elric family, those who have completed their alchemic training. Havoc, Jeanne-Marie and I still had a long, long way to go—and Edwin might not even get started at all unless he pulled his head out of his ass and got over his current homophobic phase.
Inside, I understood, were the few precious relics of that dangerous trip to Amestris that Alphonse and Teddy made a year ago. A handful of pebbles and a few scoops of actual dirt from the other side of the Gateway. Colonel Mustang's alchemic journals. A sealed letter to be presented to the Amestrian Authorities should Teddy return—far as we knew, Alphonse was still under threat of arrest as a war criminal for opening the Central gate and bringing the horror of Dietlinde Eckhart and the Thule Society to Amestris, resulting in countless deaths and widespread destruction. Al didn't dare return, and Ed wouldn't return without him. A silver pocket watch, given to Teddy by the Colonel after he tested her ability to transmute metal, wood and stone and determined that she had been more than adequately trained by Edward and Alphonse in spite of living in a world where practical alchemy doesn't exist.
There were a few other mementoes and odds and ends—I assumed Teddy was taking 'something from home' as her 'something old'.
I hadn't expected it to be the damned eyepatch. "Can I see that?" I asked.
It was softened by age, but the fabric was still fairly stiff. Black cotton, lined with what felt like silk. Most likely he didn't want it to chafe, since the lower band actually went under his ear, if I was visualizing it carefully. I saw that there were a few grey hairs stuck in the buckles that adjusted its fit. Without thinking I held it to my nose. It had no odor. I pointed it out to Teddy. She shook her head. "Actually," she said quietly, "it smells like you."
Izumi crowed and a pale hand reached for the eyepatch. "She can't know it's the Colonel's," I muttered, moving it out of her reach."
Teddy looked thoughtful. "How much do we really know about the memories a doppleganger carries, or how long they remain active? I mean, Edo thinks we carry them in, but forget everything in infancy. She was Izumi Curtis, you know."
"And Wrath was just born to Hughes and Gracia—or so you suspect." Teddy tucked the eyepatch into her sleeve. "What other tokens have you got?"
"A turquoise ring from Jeanne-Marie—that's my 'something blue'. The 'something borrowed' are Daddy's array gloves in my pocket, and the 'something new' are these earings Gracia gave me last night."
"And the piece of silver for your shoe?"
She held up a small silver coin. "A sixpence that Hoenheim gave Edo when he first arrived on this side of the Gate for good and landed in London. That was before they both relocated in Munich. Every Elric bride has carried this coin since Daddy married Winry. Edo gave it to Winry for good luck and we've kept it in the family every since. Jeanne, can you tuck that in my slipper? If I lean over I'll bust this damn corset wide open again."
As Jeanne-Marie knelt down to put the sixpence piece in Teddy's right shoe, something occurred to me…something I hadn't thought of before now. Call it a waking dream if you will…
He hushed her gently, smoothing her hair as she broke down, sobbing softly against the lapel of his jacket. "Shhhhh…no tears, Tricia," he told her kindly. "Everything will be fine. You and Alphonse and Edward have already assured me this will go well. All I have to do to find Edward again and be reborn," he smirked a little with amusement, "is dispose of this body that's failing me." He thought for a moment, and the smirk deepened into a genuine smile. Tugging the ignition cloth gloves from his wasted hands, he folded them, gently blotted the tears from her cheeks, then pressed the folded gloves into her hand. "Why don't you keep these for me until I ask for them? Then you'll know everything is all right."
Before I could stop myself the words were out of my mouth: "Teddy….can I have my gloves back? I want to wear them when Ed and I get married."
Teddy froze. She made a tight, painful sound. She swallowed hard, then instructed me to hand Izumi to Jeanne-Marie. She dug around in the brief case before offering me a small bundle, neatly wrapped in acid-free paper and labeled gloves, 2 pr. "I…I admit I swiped a pair he was going to leave behind. There were three pairs," she told me. "The pair he wore—the ones he actually presented me with, that is—the pair he was going to toss, which are in here, and a third, pristine pair that were among the artifacts he left with the letters and journals he personally handed to President Hawkeye for the state archives." Her eyes were glistening. "He…you…wiped away my tears with them, just before you passed through the Gateway. I…I didn't see what happened…I mean, if your body actually fell or what, because Daddy and I were right behind you. All I could see was Izumi and Wrath, running to meet me--and Hoenheim was watching in the distance."
Unfolded, they were stiff, stiffer than the eyepatch had been, and had a funny odor, rather like that of burnt matches with a hint of sandalwood. They seemed the right size. What the hell, I thought, and I pulled one over my right hand….
…and the next thing I knew I was getting jack-slapped—with automail:"….you're such a fuckin' wuss, Mustang! What the hell is the matter with you? WAKE UP, GODDAMN IT!!"
…..TO BE CONTINUED…..