AN: Right, it's a return of this fic I'm afraid, this time with Gwen (who I tried not to rip too much :L)

Reply to Don't You Know Who I am: I am trying, believe me - I suck at anything other than angst :L. Hopefully it'll be funnier this time, but if not, I'm really, really sorry :/

Review my pretties? ;)

Gwen entered the stage to an uproar of boos and hisses that did not subside until Keremy Jyle had physically gagged several of the audience members. Even the threat of Uther Pendragon cutting off their heads had not been enough to silence the mob, and several of them had even been brave enough to throw rotten fruit at the maid until Keremy had complained of all the rats that would get into the studio. That had stopped the little beggars quick, though some of them were still staring wildly at the maid as if they wanted to throttle her.

"Quite right to. Now Guinevere," the host began. "I've got a very important question to ask you."

Gwen widened her doey eyes and said, "Okay."

"Now this might be very hard for you, so I want you to think about it."

"Okay."

"What –"

"Okay."

"No, I haven't asked the question yet."

"Oh."

"Do you think you can wait for me to say it?"

"Yep."

"What -"

"Okay."

"No, you've got to let me ask the question before you can answer it."

"Okay."

"NO, WOMAN! Let me finish the sodding question before you say anything else. Anything at all. Okay?"

"Oh." Gwen giggled. "Sometimes I can just be so blonde!" The audience of bleach blonde teens hissed. "I mean, I'm not even blonde! That's so rad! No offense, Arthur, but everyone knows you've got the IQ of a dishcloth."

"Thank you," the prince said grinning blissfully whilst Keremy Jyle mimed resuscitating himself in the background.

"Geez. You're the next bloody Stephen Hawking aren't you? Idiot. Fit though."

The inane grin continued, the sarcasm washing completely over the Prince's head.

"Cheers. I do pride myself on being a very clever, receptive, intelligent, egomaniacal, beautiful, charismatic, wonderful, charming, smiling, cheerful, moody, gorgeous, stunning, generous –"

Half an hour later when everyone woke up, the prince was still going.

" – amazing, funny, sexy, beautific, cool, wonderific, awesome, friendily, breath-taking, splendid, posh, worthy, charmining, striking, handsome and sociable individual."

"I think Arthur Pendragon's just invented several hundred new words everyone!"

The army of fan girls cheered madly and banged their fists on their seats, though most of them had never picked up a dictionary in their lives unless it was to smoke it.

"Woah, really?"

"Why do I even bother? Right. Now Arthur. Fill us in on your background with Gwen."

"Erm, who's that?"

"What the hell do you – She's her, that's her, THAT WOMAN THERE IS HER!"

"Oh, you mean Guinevere!" Arthur grins as if he's just worked out how many light years it is from here to the moon. "You should have said."

Keremy Jyle slapped his hand to his forehead. All the while, Guinevere was hopping up in down in her seat with her hand up.

"YES?"

"Erm, weren't you going to ask me a question? Because like, I can totally answer it now."

"NO, I DO NOT WANT YOU TO ASK A SODDING QUESTION! I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TALK OR SMILE OR EVEN BREATHE. NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP."

Gwen bit her lip, her eyes growing watery as if she was about to burst into tears.

"You're really mean."

"Yes, I'm mean. Now stop using up my . Lets watch the video, shall we?"

The rickety screen above their heads cracked into action to show Arthur posing in his clothes. And in his armour. And his royal robes. And in his night clothes. And his underwear…

"Right, right! The next tape, the next tape!"

The next tape did not come soon enough. A thousand fan girls screamed wildly as Arthur flexed his muscles, flossed his teeth and plucked his eyebrows. In the nude.

"Wow," said Arthur when the screen suddenly cut out. "That looks a lot like my bathroom. And me actually."

Keremy Jyle squirmed visibly in his seat.

"Haha. What a funny thing to say… Note to self: remove CCTV cameras from Arthur's bathroom. Anyway, let's get on with the RIGHT video!"

Another film cracked into action, this time showing Arthur sat in a darkened room playing air guitar to My Chemical Romance. Then it switched to him staring out of the window. The stage directions he'd been given had said 'dreamily', but Arthur was whooping and waving at the hot chicks that had just walked past the window.

"Yeah. You're looking mighty fine!" The screen cut to air guitar again. "I'm just so depressed," he said after a while, in a voice that didn't sound very depressed at all. Actually, to most of the audience, he just seemed bemused as if the whole thing was going over the top of his head. It probably was. "My girlfriend's cheated on me with one of my friends and now she says she can't make her mind up who she wants." There was more silence as Arthur began to gyrate around the room singing an Elvis song. Several audience members covered their ears.

"So," Keremy Jyle said after what do you have to say about this, Gwen?"

Actually, Gwen had nothing to say because she had passed out in her chair, her skin looking an odd blue colour.

"We've got another fainter!" Keremy Jyle shouted.

"Wow," said Arthur with starry eyes. "I've always wanted to meet a smurf!"

After Gwen was brought round by the medics (and a few sneaky slaps from Keremy Jyle when he thought the audience wasn't looking), the interview continued. The audience, like the show's host, yawned as she spoke – they were more interested in seeing more of Arthur's home videos. Arthur, however, was occupied in trying to find out where the smurf had gone.

"So, erm, yeah," dithered Gwen in a ridiculous, high-pitched voice. "I don't know which one I like really. I mean obviously Arthur's rich and a prince but Lancelot – well he's just such a stud in the bedroom! And he's so well endowed… Oh, I just can't decide. Eeeny, meeny, miny, moe –"

"CATCH A FISHY BY ITS TOE!" roared Arthur making everyone in the studio jump. As he chortled with laughter and clapped his fists together like a baby, Gwen looked on beaming. "IF IT SQUEALS, LET IT GO! EEENY, MEENY, MINY, MOE!"

"That was beautiful," sighed Gwen twirling a strand of dark hair around her fingers. Not manicured, Keremy Jyle thought with disgust as he admired his own, perfectly preened nails.

"Now Arthur," he said placing a perfect hand on Arthur's arm. "Why don't you tell Guinevere how this makes you feel?"

"Erm, sad?"

"Can you elaborate on that?"

"Very sad?"

"Like there's a void within you?" Keremy prompted. "A deep, black hole where there's no light at all? A sorrow that never leaves you. Are you depressed? Suicidal? Angry? It's okay to let your emotions out, Arthur."

"Actually," said the prince with a shrug, "I'm not that bothered. I'd rather have Morgana anyway."

Keremy Jyle slapped his forehead and sighed.

"Why do I bother?"