Chapter Four

"Let me get this straight," said Hermione, "the girl who was pretending to be me all last year didn't read Hogwarts: A History once during the school term, yet nobody found that suspicious at all?"

Harry grinned sheepishly.

"Well," he said, "when you put it that way … we just assumed that you'd had a change of heart …"

"More like a personality transplant," sniffed Hermione, "but never mind that, we've got to find a way to return you to your proper body."

Harry nodded enthusiastically.

"Maybe then Draco will change his mind –"

"Harry," said Hermione sternly, "what did I tell you?"

"No moping over boys," Harry recited obediently.

"Even," prompted Hermione.

"Even if they are blond, gorgeous, and in possession of the world's finest derrière," sighed Harry, "I know, Hermione, it's just … well, it's hard, you know …"

Hermione grimaced.

"No, I do not know, nor do I want to," she replied, "keep all stiffness to yourself, thankyou."

Harry rolled his eyes.

"And people say I have a dirty mind,"

Hermione blushed.

"That doesn't matter now, anyway," she said, "we've got to find a way to fix you!"

"It's almost time for dinner," commented Harry, checking his watch.

"Food!" squealed Hermione. "Oh yes!"

"Speaking of which," said Harry, "how did you survive an entire year locked in a shed?"

"I ate the ropes that I was tied up in," replied Hermione, "and then I survived mainly on my own hair, and rainwater that I collected in my shoes."

"Hair?" asked Harry.

"It wasn't too bad," continued Hermione, "I mean, I didn't have my wand and I couldn't get out of the shed, but I found a secret tunnel that lead to a room that had a weird revolving bed in it, so at least I slept well."

"Hair?" repeated Harry.

"Anyway," said Hermione, "let's go eat, and then I think we best go see Professor Dumbledore."

"Wouldn't it get stuck in your teeth?" asked Harry as they walked towards the Great Hall.

Hermione ignored him.

Hermione walked into the Great Hall to a chorus of gasps. Severus Snape gave a small shriek and hid behind his napkin as Rachel Grey hissed angrily at the other girl.

Hermione opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Ron.

"Go back to Missouri, bitch!" he yelled, and the other students roared in agreement.

"It's the real Hermione!" yelled Harry, pointing at his friend's bushy hair. "She hates hot pants!"

Silence descended over the Great Hall.

"Are you sure?" whispered Snape.

Harry nodded.

"Yup," he replied, "she's just been held prisoner in the Broomstick Shed for a year."

A huge sigh of relief rippled through the residents of Hogwarts.

"Sit down then!" beamed Dumbledore. "Welcome back!"

And as the large golden plates on the tables filled with food, Harry and Hermione sat down, not noticing that Dumbledore was watching them with a Level Six eye twinkle.

"So," said Hermione to Ron and Neville/Alex, "Harry's told me what happened last year, what's been happening this year?'

"Well," said Neville/Alex, "Snape and Rachel are married now, so she's been made the new Ancient Runes Professor."

Hermione nodded.

"I see, and why are Fred and George here still?"

"They wanted to stay here with Louise," explained Ron, "so they've hired a few people to look after the shop, and Dumbledore gave them jobs as well."

Hermione frowned.

"But surely there are not enough vacant teaching positions?"

Neville/Alex nodded.

"They're the new Human and Other Relations Executives," he said.

"Oh," said Hermione.

"Makes sense," nodded Harry.

"I'll going to go talk to Professor Dumbledore now," said Hermione, as the others started on a second helping of pudding.

Harry nodded.

"We'll talk to you later," he said absently.

Ron swallowed thickly and grinned.

"Yeah," he said, "we've got Charms homework we need to do later."

Hermione huffed good-naturedly, and walked briskly up to the Staff Table.

Neville/Alex watched her walk away.

"Is it just me," he said, "or is her hair shorter in some places?"

Harry nodded.

"I'll explain once we're done eating," he replied.

"Guess what?" squealed Hermione as she rushed into the Gryffindor Common Room.

Ron shrugged.

"What?" replied Harry.

"Dumbledore made me Head Girl!" she shrilled.

"Congratulations," said Neville/Alex.

"Well done," added Ron.

"I need to go pack!" beamed Hermione.

"What for?" asked Harry.

"It's traditional for Head Boy and Head Girl to share quarters," replied Hermione, "you still haven't read Hogwarts: A History?"

Harry grinned as he shook his head.

"Who's the Head Boy then?" he asked.

Hermione looked at her shoes.

"Ummmm," she said, "did I leave the oven on?"

Harry watched her run up the stairs in confusion.

"It almost seemed like she didn't want to answer my question," he said.

Neville/Alex cleared his throat.

"Better you find out from us," he said, "Harry, Draco's the Head Boy."

Harry sat silently for a long time.

"Harry, mate," said Ron, waving his hand in front of Harry's face, "you ok?"

Harry blinked slowly.

"I may have to lock her in my trunk and take her place through the use of Polyjuice Potion," he said.

Neville/Alex shook his head.

"Nah, mate, that's not the right thing to do,"

"Yeah," said Ron, "at least think of something original."

Harry grumbled as he stared at his porridge.

"Stupid potion explosion, stupid Draco for causing the potion explosion, stupid Hermione for being Head Girl, stupid going back in time making me small …"

"Hi Harry," said Louise, plopping down into a seat next to him, "what's up?"

Harry glared at his breakfast.

"My boyfriend dumped me, I'm prepubesant, Hermione is Head Girl, I hate mornings, I have to wear glasses again, and Neville/Alex keeps telling me that he's got a license to keep a conceled weapon."

Louise nodded thoughtfully as she chewed on an apple.

"Your life sounds like shit," she ventured.

"Thanks for that," replied Harry sarcastically.

Louise patted him on the back.

"No problem," she said, "'course, I could help more by giving you a solution to one of your problems, couldn't I?"

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Let's hear it then," he said.

"Just ask Severus for some Aging Potion," grinned Louise, stealing Harry's juice.

Harry looked at the girl with something akin to wonder.

"It's so simple," he whispered.

Louise nodded.

"Yet magnificent," she replied, "now, off you go!"

"So you think Aging Potion is going to work?" asked Severus.

Harry nodded.

"Don't you think Dumbledore would have thought of that?"

Harry looked at his father pointedly.

Severus nodded.

"Good point,"

Harry held out his hand.

"Please, sir, may I have some potion?"

Snape unlocked a tall cabinet and selected a small blue bottle.

"This should be enough to age you sufficiently,"

Harry grinned as he upended the vial over his open mouth.

He stood still for a few seconds.

"Has it worked?" he asked.

Severus shook his head.

Harry frowned.

"Bollocks,"

"Hi Harry," said Rachel, walking into the room with a huge pile of books, "hey Severus. What's happening?"

"Nothing," said Harry dejectedly.

Severus took some of the books from Rachel and deposited them onto a small table.

"He's trying to age himself," he explained to Rachel.

"With that potion?" asked Rachel.

Harry nodded.

"Try taking the stopper out," she suggested.

Harry blushed as he did so.

"Thanks Rachel,"

"I'll blackmail you with it one day," she shrugged.

Harry swallowed the potion and ran over to a mirror.

Ad he watched, his hair grew longer and straighter, his eyesight grew blurry, and his entire body seemed to stretch.

Harry took off his glasses, pulled up his shirt, and grinned.

"Brilliant," he said, "my Rippling Quiddich Toned Muscles™ are back!"

"He's almost as vain as you," grinned Rachel as Harry ran from the room.

Severus raised an eyebrow.

"And almost as non-funny as you," he replied haughtily.

"Hey Ron!" called Harry. "I'm a big boy again! See?"

Ron turned around and smiled.

"That's good, mate," he said, "you've met Hazza, haven't you?"

The other boy held out a hand.

"Straight!Harry," he grinned.

Harry frowned as he shook hands with himself.

"What are you guys doing?"

Ron beamed.

"We're going to throw things at people we don't like, kick some trees, and then go find some car bonnets to look under!" he said.

"Why would you want to do that?" asked Harry.

Hazza rolled his eyes.

"Because it's manly,"

"Just sounds stupid to me," replied Harry.

Ron sighed and put his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"I know it's not your fault, but don't try and understand straight guy stuff – why don't you go talk to Hermione or something?"

Harry bristled.

"I'm not a girl," he growled.

"Of course you're not," said Hazza, "that's Harriet."

"We'll see you later, Harry," said Ron.

Harry gaped.

"You're leaving me because I'm gay?!"

Ron shook his head.

"Don't say that, mate, it sounds like we were … going out or something,"

Harry grumbled as he watched the other two boys walk away.

"This sucks," he mumbled.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME!" yelled CAPSLOCK!Harry.

"NOBODY WANTS TO BE MY FRIEND EITHER!" roared CAPSLOCK!Harry.

Harry put his fingers in his ears.

"Did somebody cast a permanent Sonorus Charm on you, or something?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" boomed CAPSLOCK!Harry. "GOOD ONE! I'M HAL, BY THE WAY!"

"I'm Harry," said Harry, "why Hal?"

"BECAUSE I'M HAL LOUD!" replied Hal. "GET IT?"

"Yeah," said Harry, "where are you and the others staying anyway?"

"IN THE OLD TRANSFIGURATION CLASSROOM AT THE MOMENT, BUT DUMBLEDORE SAYS WE'LL HAVE BEDS IN OUR HOUSE DORMITORIES BY TONIGHT,"

"What House are you in?"

"GRYFFINDOR!" yelled Hal, causing a suit of armour to tremble and fall over.

Harry nodded politely.

"Great,"

"WANNA GO FLYING BEFORE LUNCH?"

Harry shrugged.

"Sure, why not,"

Hal grinned.

"GREAT! I'LL GO TELL THE OTHERS!"

Harry dug his fingers in a little deeper.

"They may already know,"

A/N: "Good morning, may I speak to the current user of the computer? I have a short survey to conduct; it will only take a mintute of your time. Have you submitted a review for this chapter containing comments and suggestions? And can I also ask, which cliches would you like to see involved in this story? Do you have any requests for songs? And do you have any idea when -"

CLICK. Beep beep beep ...

'Awww, man, that's the sixth person this week!'