A/N: Please note, that I've managed to put the Quidditch Scene in a Very Safe PlaceTM - so safe, in fact, that not even I know where it is. At the present moment, as it's not crucial the the overall plot, I have simply left it out. When I do find it, I shall post it at the end of Chapter Four. I will let you know when this happens. Until then, just pretend you've read a great chapter about Quidditch, and are ready to read and review the next one. And ... ACTION!

Chapter Five

As Harry approached the Gryffindor Table, he noticed happily that there was a familiar mop of black hair already seated and eating lunch.

"Will!" he called.

William turned to grin at his twin.

"Hey, Harry," he replied, "long time, no see."

"Where've you been?" asked Harry.

Will shrugged.

"Dumbledore thought there was another you in this other dimension, but it ended up just being some random kid called Daniel. He didn't even have green eyes!"

Harry shook his head.

"So it was a bit of a wild goose chase?"

"You could say that," replied Will, "but, to cut a long story short; I got attacked by a whole heap of girls, stalked by old men with cameras, and followed around constantly by this guy called Steve. It took me ages to shake them all off."

Harry grinned.

"Well, it's good to have you back."

"Ahem," came a booming voice from under the table.

"You too, Hank," added Harry.

Hank purred happily in reply.

"It's weird seeing so many of you," said William.

"You're telling me," replied Harry, "I hope someone works out a way to fix me soon. I mean, not that it's not cool to have enough of me to play an entire Quidditch match, but …"

"You miss your other personality aspects?" guessed Will.

Harry nodded.

"Hi, Harry," said Cedric Diggory, plopping down beside them, "I hear you're single again."

Harry nodded as Cedric wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Why are you even here?" asked Will. "You've graduated."

Cedric scratched the back of his neck nervously.

"Er … no reason …" he said.

Harry rolled his eyes.

"Just remember, Harry, if you ever need to mull anything over in the bath …"

"No, Cedric," said Harry firmly, "there will be no mulling."

Cedric sighed and stood up.

"I'll see you later then," he said, and walked dejectedly from the Hall.

"Why does everyone want you?" said Will. "What about me?"

Harry shrugged.

"It's probably just because you don't have Rippling Quidditch Toned Muscles™."

Will sighed.

"If only our society didn't feel the need to place such a value on outdated notions of beauty …"

"Hi, Draco," said Harry, tapping the blonde on the shoulder as they stood outside Potions.

"What?" snapped Draco.

"No need to be touchy," replied Harry easily, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm big again."

"I can see that," said Draco, "what's your point?"

"Don't you want to go out again?"

"Not particularly," replied Draco, "I'm quite enjoying the lack of mushiness currently in my life."

Harry gasped.

"You can't be serious!"

"But I am," replied Draco, as Snape beckoned them into class, "and I think it's time you moved on."

"Oh," muttered Harry, as he watched the other boy's retreating back, "I'll move on alright."

"So, Harry," said Louise, "what's with the sudden bouts of man-whoreishness?"

"I'm moving on," replied Harry stiffly.

Louise raised an eyebrow.

"I can see whoever I want!" snapped Harry.

"True," said Louise, "but when you're trading saliva with several people a day; I'd say that's a bad sign."

"Like you can talk," retorted Harry, "you promote twincest!"

"Hey," snapped Louise, "leave the law out of this, ok? I'm just saying that groping Ernie McMillian isn't going to solve anything."

"It might," replied Harry, "it solved the question regarding his preference."

Louise grinned slightly.

"He punched you, didn't he?"

Harry gently prodded his right eye.

"The swelling has gone down heaps, though …"

Harry woke to find Ron holding a flying pan over his head; an evil look on his face.

"Ron?" mumbled Harry. "What are you doing?"

Ron raised the pan a little higher.

"Ron?" asked Harry, fear causing his voice to give an unmanly squeak.

Ron smiled, yet somehow it looked forced.

"Nothing," he replied soothingly, "how do you like your eggs?"

"With a frying pan?" asked Will. "Well, that's weird."

Harry rubbed his temples.

"Tell me something I don't know," he replied tetchily.

"I want to be a woman," said Will quietly.

"What?!"

Will laughed nervously.

"April Fools?"

"It's October," said Louise, as she took Harry's apple, "Rachel will be 1019 in fifteen days."

"Huh," said Will, "you know, she doesn't look it."

"Good answer," winked Louise.

Harry sighed.

"I think I might go visit Sirius," he said.

"Oh, here," said Louise, handing him a large jar which appeared to be filled with a solid black mass, "it's for Remus."

"Ok …" replied Harry slowly, and when no explanation was forthcoming he stood and left the room.

"Hey Louise," said Will, "would you say I'm a winter or a spring?"

"Hey kiddo," said Sirius, as Harry entered the Lounge Room of the Kennel, "how you feeling?"

Harry shrugged.

"Alright, I guess," he replied.

"Great!" beamed Sirius. "Because that's what I told Lily!"

"You talked to my mum?" asked Harry.

"Yeah," nodded Sirius, "they're coming to visit in a couple of days, but they wanted to know how you were."

Harry sat down.

"So instead of actually asking me, you just guessed?"

"Yeah!"

"Makes sense," said Harry.

"Hi Dorado," he added to the small girl who had just entered the room, "what are the chains for?"

"I'm going to chain myself to the refrigerator in protest at my family's eating of meat and other animal products," she explained calmly.

"Ok," replied Harry, "and why are you doing that?"

Dorado rolled her eyes.

"Because it's wrong, evil, cruel, and anyone who does it should be send straight to hell. Which would be lovely compared to what some animals suffer through!"

"Right," said Harry.

"Is she really going to do that?" he asked Remus as the girl left the room.

Remus nodded.

"She's trying to rebel," he said.

"She's not very good at it though," added Sirius, "ask her nicely enough, and she'll still let you get food out."

Harry nodded slowly.

"Ok,"

"She's just very sensitive," said Remus, "the last time she transformed, she ripped up a whole patch of wild violets – she was devastated."

Harry nodded again.

"That makes sense."

"So, anyway," said Sirius, "how's school been this year so far?"

Harry shrugged.

"Oh," he said as he remembered something, "this is from Louise."

Remus reached for the jar eagerly.

"Marvellous," he smiled, "this is exactly what we need."

"What is it for?" asked Harry. "Actually, on that note, what is it?"

"It's called Vegemite," said Remus, "in Australia it's considered a food, but here we just use it to stop the pup-kids chewing on everything."

"But, if it's a food, wouldn't that just encourage them?" pondered Harry.

Remus smiled as he opened the jar.

"Here," he said, "you decide."

Harry shrugged and dipped a finger into the thick black paste.

"Looks like axel grease, doesn't it?" said Sirius.

Harry put his finger into his mouth.

Sirius and Remus looked on expectantly.

"ARGH!" spat Harry, hastily withdrawing his finger. "Oh, Merlin's beard, that's awful!"

Remus nodded solemnly.

"A coating of this on everything and you can understand why it puts the pup-kids off," he said.

Harry nodded as he applied every single mouth cleansing charm he knew onto his tongue.

"But Louise and Rachel eat it all the time!" he said. "Did someone curse their tastebuds off or something?"

Sirius shrugged.

"We may never know," he replied quietly.

Remus looked at the wall-clock.

"Harry!" he said. "It's time for Herbology!"

Harry looked at the clock and swore.

"Thanks Remus," he said as he ran out the door.

"Huh," said Sirius, "what's mumble-furker?"

A/N: Yes, another one, I know, you don't really care what I say unless it's "I've just typed up the entire fic in one day! Here it is - enjoy!" Now, I wish I could say that, and I probably could, but it would be a lie and then I might just get drawn and quartered by an angry mob. Whilst they sing along to the Kaiser Chiefs.

Anyway, the point is, I have glandular fever, and thus am a sick little chicken. Due to this, you can probably expect at least a fortnight's delay on the uploading of the next chapter. I apologise for this, and really do wish it wasn't so, but that's the way my immune system crumbles.

So, I leave you Chapter Five, and a promise that this fic will be updated ASAIC. Guess what that means, and you'll win a pint of blood from Rachel's vintage cellar. But, if you're still terribly bored, I extended an invitation to contribute to the COD book edition - send COD based fanart, poetry, drabbles, photos, whatever the hell you wish, to fantabahoobie at hotmail dot com. Obviously, just change the at the the dot to actual ats and dots. You know what I mean.

Once again, I apologise, and I hope to see you all through unswollen glands very soon! - TLLL