Chapter Six

"Good morning, Class!" called Professor Sprout.

"Morning!" shrilled Hermione eagerly, as the rest of the group shuffled their feet and mumbled.

"Today we'll be drawing the sap from these Lemanrom Stumps," continued Sprout, "ensure you are all wearing your dragon-hide gloves – the sap is highly acidic."

The students nodded as they pulled on the gloves.

"Once you have collected the sap," added the Professor, "contain it in these beakers, and seal them tightly. You will be working in groups of six."

Harry attempted to join Draco's groups on the far side of the room, but Hermione quickly gripped his arm and proclaimed loudly that he could join a group with herself, Ron, Louise, Will, and Neville/Alex.

Harry scowled, but joined them nonetheless.

"Why isn't Rachel in this class?" asked Will.

"She doesn't really like unconfined spaces," replied Louise, "or unfiltered sunlight."

In the background, a few Harrys started throwing sap at each other.

That evening Neville/Alex looked around the Gryffindor Seventh Year Boys dorm and huffed.

"There are too many Harrys in here!" he announced. "I'm sick of always tripping over their things – they need to go!"

Seamus nodded thoughtfully as he ate one of Hari's croissants.

"How?" he asked.

Neville/Alex grinned as he steepled his fingers.

"We're going to need tape," he said, "lots and lots of tape."

Dean waved his wand and the McGuiver theme tune started blaring out of invisible speakers.

"I can feel a lot of really short scenes coming on," muttered Seamus.

"Montagipiloipilus!" cried Neville/Alex.

Neville/Alex dusted his hands off in satisfaction.

"I think we've done a good job, lads," he said.

"I still think it's amazing none of them woke up while we did this," replied Dean.

Seamus nodded as he stared up at the huge ball of Harrys, connected tightly by several rolls of spellotape, and balanced precariously at the top of the staircase that connected the Seventh Year dormitory to the Gryffindor Common Room.

Suddenly Ron walked out of the dormitory, banging the door against the ball of Harrys.

"Opps," he said happily, as the entire sphere began bouncing downwards.

"ARGH!" cried the newly-awoken Harrys.

Madam Pompfrey clicked her tongue disapprovingly.

"I don't believe I wish to know how this occurred," she sighed.

Neville/Alex grinned sheepishly as the Harrys groaned and nursed various injuries.

"MY HEAD HURTS!" moaned Hal.

"Ours too," grumbled the others.

"We need a new plan," said Dean, "for once tape hasn't been the solution to all our problems."

Seamus shook his head sadly.

"I never thought I'd see the day …" he muttered.

Ron grinned as he held up a strange Muggle device.

"Want to borrow my nail gun?" he suggested.

Harry screamed, as he suddenly sat up poker-straight in his bed.

"Maybe not," said Neville/Alex.

"I'll wait til he's asleep," muttered Ron.

Harry whimpered and clutched Sunshine Bear tighter.

"What next?" asked Seamus, as the Seventh Year Potions Class struggled with a particularly difficult Dark Glamour Elixir (Patented by Tom Riddle, side effects may include billowing robes, obsession with snakes, desire to torture others, and/or infatuation with anagrams).

Rachel looked up from where she was carving up a large Clabbert.

"You could always cut out their hearts and then –"

"Rachel?" asked Snape. "How would that help rejoin my son?"

"Oh," replied Rachel, "you want to keep him?"

"– a really, really big blender – you'd need to take off their skin first, of course – chop them all up with that – "

Harry looked at Louise with wide eyes, and quickly exited the room.

"Then you add ice-cream, vanilla essence, and just a touch of honey," concluded Louise.

Dean nodded appreciatively.

"You're right," he said, "that does sound like a world class banana smoothie."

"I know!" said Seamus. "Let's try to get them a spot on Grey's Anatomy!"

"That could work," nodded Neville/Alex excitedly.

"Isn't Rachel's sister on that show?" asked Dean.

"I HAVE NO SISTER!" yelled Rachel, throwing a Faberge egg at the wall.

"Perhaps not," said Dean.

"Where'd she get that egg?" asked Neville/Alex.

"Attention Hogwarts,"

Harry looked up from his crumpets to stare intently at the new PA speaker.

"I am getting so sick of these announcements," muttered Will, "Dumbledore needs to find something else to occupy his time with."

"For classes in Advanced Bathing, please visit classroom 115:A – Harry Potter, this means you."

"I do shower!" yelled Harry, pulling his diary from his bag and brandishing it at the speaker. "See! Detailed records of all bathroom visits!"

Lavender Brown squinted at the writing in the notebook.

"Ew," she stated.

"That's detailed," commented Neville/Alex.

Ron nodded, and then went back to examining his steak knife.

"Also," continued the PA, "you and the rest of you need to come to my office. Now, if you don't mind, Harry."

Harry shoved his diary back into his bag.

"Oh, I'll come to your office alright," he grumbled.

"LET'S GO THEN," said Hal.

"Hi Louise," said Harry.

"Hi Harry," she replied.

Harry took in the large armchair, the blaring opera music, and the small second year writing lines on the stone wall in pink crayon.

"'I must not go to war, even if everyone else is doing it,'" he read aloud.

"He needs this," said Louise calmly, "it's for the good of Australia."

"My hand hurts," whined the diminutive lad.

"Back at it!" commanded Louise, squirting him with a tiny water pistol. "Do you want those eyebrows waxed? Because, so Frond help me, I'll do it!"

The boy whimpered.

"No – not my eyebrows! Anything but my eyebrows! They were especially grown for me by CSIRO!"

Louise nodded dramatically.

"I know," she replied quietly.

Harry and Hal exchanged glances.

"We'll just go now," said Harry.

"PEPPERMINT FROGS!" added Hal, and they made their way up the spiral staircase to Albus Dumbledore's office.

"Ah," said the Headmaster, "at last, we're all here."

"How'd you all get here so fast?" asked Harry.

"With a plothole," replied Harold.

"What's that?" said Harry.

"Here's one I prepared earlier!" said Harold brightly, holding up a large circular 2-dimensional thing that seemed to absorb all contradictory and/or logical thought.

"Makes sense," said Harry, "can I have it?"

"Certainly," replied Harold, handing it over.

Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"SORRY SIR!" said Hal.

"Harry," said the Headmaster, "I've decided that this 'multiple selves' thing is all in your head."

The Harrys looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

"Are you blind?" asked Harrison sarcastically.

Dumbledore ignored him.

"I've arranged for you to have some sessions with a therapist," he continued.

"Who is it?" asked Harriet.

Louise jumped out of a nearby cupboard.

"SURPRISE!"

"ARG!" screamed the Harrys.

Dumbledore gave a Level Three eye twinkle.

"I think this will work out well,"

A/N: Here it be, Cap'n. 'Pologise for the dee-lays, 'n such. The ol' girl's been less than shipshape. Hopefully we'll be asee'n yee 'gain soon. Me pay? Just make it in reviews, if yee will. Thankyee kindly!