Chapter Fourteen

Dumbledore gave a Level Seven Eye Twinkle™ as he gazed serenely around the room.

"What are you looking at, Professor?" asked Harry.

"Oh," said Dumbledore, "the walls. I was just thinking about how they'd look so much nicer if I could match them to my robes."

Harry eyed Dumbledore's robes.

"Uh," he said, "… ok?"

"Where were we?"

Harry scratched his head.

"Well, I'd just finished telling you about how Hermione has a curse on her that means that she has to marry Draco, and that also she's actually a pureblood."

Dumbledore nodded and towered his hands.

"And I gave you some calm and wise advice?"

"Uh, no," replied Harry, "you suggested that I have another sherbet lemon, and, sir, there's something about those that you should probably know …"

Dumbledore held up a hand imperiously.

"I won't hear a word against them! Now, what I think we should do is hold the wedding for Hermione and Draco right here, at Hogwarts."

"But, Professor, I was thinking that maybe we could break the curse and then they wouldn't have to get married and then also I might have a chance with Draco in The Future™?"

"Oh," said Dumbledore, "The Future™. Well, Harry, let me tell you about The Future(TM)."

He closed his eyes and hummed a few bars from "I Want You So Hard" and Harry felt himself becoming insubstantial and ghostlike, and then he was in …

THE FUTURE™

Harry waved his hands in front of his face.

"Whoa!" he said. "I can't see myself!"

Someone tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hiya,"

Harry did a double-take.

"Louise?!"

Louise nodded.

"Hi, Harry. I'm here to guide you through just one of your possible futures."

"Why are you everywhere?" demanded Harry. "I'd never ever heard of you two years ago and now you're always around. You're all like, "oh I've been here", "oh I've done that", "oh I appear in random situations with the correct answer". HOW? WHY?"

"What, where?" supplied Louise helpfully. "Harry, I can't answer that question; I'm afraid that I'm bound by The Code™."

Harry sighed heavily.

"Makes sense."

Louise patted him on the back.

"There, there. Now, wouldn't you like to see The Future™?"

Harry's face brightened.

"Do I get a jet pack?"

Louise laughed.

"Oh, Harry, this isn't a James Bond movie! No, your future is remarkably similar to your present, although you're older and … well, take a look."

And so Harry did.

"Oh!" he said. "There's me! Look at me! I'm taller and I'm wearing cool robes!"

Louise nodded.

"You're a Auror."

Harry frowned.

"But I don't want to be an Auror. I've been pushed into fighting evil from Day One™ and I don't like it. Why would I want to do that for a job?"

"Too bad, now keep looking."

"Ok, well, there's Ginny. Why's she here?"

"She's your wife."

"WHAT?!"

Louise pointed to Future!Harry and Future!Ginny's matching wedding rings.

"See, you're straight in this future and you married Ginny after being teenage sweethearts."

Harry gagged.

"I marry a GIRL?!"

"And see those smaller people?"

Harry nodded.

"Yeah, I see them."

"Those are your children."

Harry gagged again.

"I PROCREATED?!"

Louise grinned.

"Do you want to know what you called them?"

Harry shut his eyes and groaned.

"You're enjoying this way too much."

"James Sirius, Lily Luna, and Albus Severus."

"Oh, Merlin. Do I hate my children in this future, too?"

Louise just smiled happily.

"Harry Potter … This Is Your Life."

"Louise?"

"Yes?"

"What does this have to do with Hermione and Draco getting married?"

"Well, it'd be better than letting this happen, wouldn't it?"

Harry sighed.

"Can't I have a win-win situation?"

Louise scoffed.

"Like that'd happen. You'd need to win Draco back, break Hermione's curse, defeat the New Dark Lord™ –"

"Huh," said Harry, "I'd almost forgotten about that."

"- and you'd need to take a long time to do it, because The Author has pretty much run out of clichés to write about –"

"What about the cliché where I'm raised as a girl?"

Louise clicked her fingers, and Harry was wearing a dress.

"There, done."

"What about the cliché where I am partnered with a Mary-Sue?"

Louise grabbed Harry by the scruff of the neck and mashed their lips together.

Harry gasped.

"You kissed me without asking!"

Louise grimaced as she wiped her mouth on her sleeve.

"Ugh, done."

Harry frowned.

"Ok, well, what about the cliché where I'm disabled or disfigured or a mutant or something?"

Louise sighed and clicked her fingers again.

"What?" said Harry. "What did you do?"

"I made it so you're a blind, deaf mute with no legs and a very lame ability - you can make teabags waterproof."

Harry groaned.

"Oh, man."

"Yeah," said Louise, "not that amusing, is it?"

Harry shook his head sadly.

Louise turned and looked directly into the camera.

"And maybe now you'll think before you judge someone by their abilities or looks."

"But I wasn't doing that!"

"Shut up, Harry. I'm trying to make this pointless scene at least have a moral."

Harry sighed again.

"This is so gay."

"Harry … when you say gay, do you know what you say?"

"No, I don't. Can we go back to the present now?"

Louise held up one finger.

"There's just one last thing for you to see."

"Oh, so I'm no longer a blind, deaf mute with no legs and the lame ability to make teabags waterproof?"

"… no."

"Makes sense. Hey! Why was I able to see and talk and stand up this whole time then?"

Louise cleared her throat and dramatically pointed.

"Oh!" said Harry. "That looks like Draco!"

"It is," said Louise darkly, "and he's about to turn around and face us …"

Draco turned.

Harry gasped.

"RECEEDING HAIRLINE?! NOOOOOO!"

Louise nodded grimly.

"OH GOD" continued Harry "I DON'T WANT TO LIVE."

Harry sat bolt upright in his bed. He looked around frantically, grasping his sheets in his clenched fists.

"Wassa madda?" mumbled Ron from the next bed. "Scar senses tingling?"

"No," muttered Harry, "just a bad dream. Just a dream."

Underneath his bed, Louise chuckled evilly.

Harry looked around the room frantically. He tried to move his arms but they were pinned to his sides by a strange Muggle device.

"Help!" he cried. "Let me out! I have to save Draco!"

He continued to scream, his voice sounding strangely small in the clinical white of the room.

Outside the door, Dr Frost shook her head sadly.

"That poor boy, every now and then he snaps out of his dream life, only to realize that he's alone and chained."

Dr Grey made a note on her clipboard.

"It's not your fault you couldn't cure him, Louise. Maybe he's better off this way."

Dr Frost sighed heavily.

"At least this way he never has to know that he killed everyone he ever loved."

The two doctors turned and walked down the long hallway, their footsteps echoing in Harry's ears as he fell deeper into the maw of his own insanity.

A/N: Please, people, I need more cliches!