Chapter Fifteenth

Harry Potter woke up. Again.

He looked around and then breathed a deep sigh of relief. He appeared to be in a normal looking bed, Louise didn't seem to be around, and he could move his arms freely.

He smiled.

"Maybe today will be normal …" he said optimistically.

"Of course it will be normal!" chirped a voice from the doorway, "everyday is normal now!"

Harry gasped.

"Cho?!"

Cho fluttered her eyelashes as she balanced a full breakfast tray on the bedside table.

"Oh, Harry, it's so sweet how you still are stunned by my beauty, even after nine years of marriage."

Harry blinked.

"Say what?"

Cho giggled.

"Ok, silly, I'll play your game," she said as she sat down on the edge of the bed, "When you were in your Seventh Year at Hogwarts, I began my mission to educate the Wizarding World. At first you opposed me, but you eventually realized how nice everything is when everything is normal. So, now everything is normal! You realized that homosexuality is not normal, and married me. Colin Creevy stopped listening to that horrid 'emo' music, and became a banker. Severus Snape cut his hair, because everyone knows that men don't have long hair! Hermione Granger stopped reading and became a housewife. Like me! All the women are housewives now! It's normal!"

"Umm," said Harry, "but what if a woman wanted a career or didn't want to get married or wasn't attracted to men?"

Cho looked at him strangely.

"What do you mean, Harry? Women become housewives."

"But," said Harry, "what about when you were the New Dark Lord™?"

Cho blushed.

"Oh, yes, I did do that, and it was horrid of me, but I had to! So that everything would be normal!"

"So," said Harry slowly, "now everything is normal?"

Cho beamed.

"Yes!"

Harry licked his lips nervously.

"But what if someone isn't normal?"

"Do you mean, like, if someone makes casserole for Tuesday night dinner instead of Thursday?"

Harry nodded.

"Er, yes, like that."

"Well," said Cho softly, "they're send to be re-educated, Harry, at the Ministry."

"And then what happens?"

Cho smiled.

"And then they're normal."

Harry attempted to smile back.

"Ok, well, thanks for telling me all that, even though I didn't really ask about it."

"Of course, dear," replied Cho, "now, you eat up your breakfast, and I'll go and teach our daughter to play with dolls and reject independent thought."

Harry kept smiling as he watched her leave the room.

"Oh Merlin," he whispered to himself, "this really doesn't make sense."

So he did what any hero would do when faced with a disturbingly normal world. He jumped out the window.

As Harry ran down the street in his pajamas, he wondered how soon the Ministry would be notified that someone wasn't being normal. From the amount of people in their cookie cutter condos throwing their owls out of the windows, he reasoned pretty quickly.

He jumped over a fence and made a path through a meadow filled with buttercups and daisies. As he dodged all of the frolicking couples he wondered how all of this horror had come to pass.

He didn't have an answer by the time he came to a small stream, so he jumped over that as well and kept running.

Over a hill, down a darrow, through a naze, past a ruined city, Harry continued to run.

A pale humanoid with glowing green eyes ran up next to him.

"Your eyes are like The Sunwell," stated the creature, as Harry stared at the large sword strapped to its back, "before the explosion that doomed us all, of course."

"What?" gasped Harry, but the creature had disappeared in a swirl of green leaves.

Harry shook his head in confusion, and continued his journey.

He passed a bench.

"Run, Forest," called an old lady as he ran past, "Run!"

Harry did so.

The day ran its course, and the night had settled over the lands before Harry stopped.

"Whoa," he gasped, "I knew buying exercise devices from Infomercials was a good idea."

"Harry?" said a voice, "Is that you?"

Harry straightened quickly and pointed his wand at the shadowy figure emerging from the darkness.

"Who is it?!" he asked. "Show yourself!"

The figure moved forward, holding their hands in the universal gesture for 'hey man, put down the possibly deadly weapon, would ya?'

"It's Hermione Granger," she said, as the moonlight reflected off her bushy hair, "I'm not going to hurt you."

"Hermione?" repeated Harry. "What are you doing out here?"

Hermione tossed her hair proudly.

"I refuse to be a housewife any longer!"

Harry gaped.

"You're going against the rules!"

Hermione nodded.

"I don't know why I obeyed them for so long, I guess I was just so happy to be married to Draco …"

Harry growled.

Hermione put her hands back in the air.

"He's all yours!"

Harry lowered his wand, pacified for now.

"So, what changed?"

"I realized that something was seriously wrong with the way everyone just accepted what was decreed as normal. People would accept something one day, and the next day refuse to speak of it! Anyone who did something wrong would be taken to the Ministry, and when they came back … it's like they weren't the same people!"

"Oh my god," said Harry, "a conspiracy!"

"Yes!" said Hermione. "We need to change everything Harry! We need to go back in time, to save The Future™!"

"Oh!" said Harry. "I like this idea! But how?"

Hermione snapped her fingers.

"I know! We'll summon a presence to help us!"

"Sounds cool! How do we do that?"

Hermione cleared her throat and pointed her wand to the sky.

"Repeat after me, Harry: Our Helper, Marty McFly, who art from California, alliterative be his name, in the DeLorean come, and save us from, Hell on Earth,"

As they finished the last word, there was a bright flash of light, and a car suddenly appeared before them.

"Oh," said Hermione, looking pleasantly surprised, "I'm quite amazed that that actually worked."

"Quick," said Marty McFly, "we've got to get you Back to the Past!"

Harry looked up at Hogwarts Castle and sighed happily.

"Finally, we're back. I hope I don't have to see The Future™ again for a very long time."

Hermione looked pained as she forced herself not to point out to Harry that, technically, tomorrow would be The Future™, but she nodded anyway.

Harry looked at his watch.

"But we've only got two weeks to find out how to break the curse so that you don't have to marry Draco!"

Hermione sighed.

"Yeah, I guess we can't risk that future happening again,"

Harry nodded in a self-satisfied way.

"Exactly,"

"Well, then," said Hermione, "to the Library!"

Harry picked up a book and brought it back to the table where Hermione had set up her study area.

"What book is that?" she asked.

Harry shrugged.

"Dunno," he replied, "my instincts told me to pick it up."

Hermione scoffed.

"Harry," she said, "when you're studying, procedure and reason are very important. You can't just select books willy-nilly and expect the answer to jump out at you!"

Harry smiled.

"Sure," he countered, "but you forget, I'm the protagonist."

He then proceeded to close his eyes, open the book at random and jab his finger at the page.

Hermione peered over curiously, trying to read the page upside-down.

"Look!" said Harry. "'So Your Friend Is Engaged To The Man You Love And Will Turn Into A Flobberworm If She Doesn't Marry Him: How To Break The Curse'!"

"Oh," said Hermione, "well that's certainly convenient. Why didn't you do that before?"

"Er," said Harry.

"Never mind," said Hermione, "let's just break the curse."

"It says here," said Harry, "that just need to read out the magic words."

"Oh," said Hermione excitedly, "is it an Ancient Language that only the wisest Witches and Wizards would be fluent in?"

Harry nodded.

"I think it is!"

Hermione clasped her hands in ecstasy.

"This is thrilling! Go ahead, Harry, read it out!"

"Uoyno Pade Calp Esruc Ehtka Erbi Sdrow Esehtg Niyasyb!" Harry interred, and Hermione felt herself being washed clean by a pure purple wave of light.

"Well," said Hermione, "it certainly feels like the curse has been broken, but I feel like I've heard that language before …"

Harry shook his head.

"I don't think you would have, Hermione, I mean, it's not like the Author took a totally lax route in just writing words backwards, or anything."

Hermione nodded.

"I'm sure you're right, Harry. So, what next?"

Harry closed the book with a thump.

"Same thing I do every year, Hermione, try to defeat the Dark Lord™."

"So, Harry," said Dumbledore, "you got back from The Future™ and broke the curse on Miss Granger."

"Yes," said Harry, "I just said that."

Dumbledore gave him a Level Thirty-Eight Eye Twinkle.

"And now you're going to defeat Cho Chang, the New Dark Lord™?"

Harry nodded.

"Er, yes," he replied, "and we were hoping that you'd have some advice on how to do that?"

Dumbledore steepled his fingers.

"You must remember that the Prophecy, Harry, said Severus Snape would be the one to defeat this Dark Lord™."

Harry looked abashed.

"Oh yeah, I kind of forgot. I'm just so used to being the Chosen One™ I guess."

Dumbledore looked at him kindly over his half-moon spectacles.

"Quite understandable, Harry," he replied, "why don't you go and discuss it with your father?"

"James?"

"No Harry," chuckled Dumbledore, "since when does James do anything useful? I meant Severus."

"Oh," said Harry, "makes sense."

"Hey Harry!" said Ron as Harry stepped off the moving staircase from Dumbledore's Office.

"Ron!" grinned Harry. "Not going to kill me?"

Ron clapped him on the back in a manly fashion.

"'Course not," he replied, "just wanted to invite you to Fred and George's Buck's Night."

"They're getting married?" asked Harry.

"Yeah," said Ron, rolling his eyes, "They've finally convinced Louise."

"She seemed pretty reluctant to make it official before," recalled Harry, "what changed?"

"They told her that she'd be getting two diamond rings, and an advance copy of Sims 4."

Harry nodded.

"Makes sense,"

"Yeah," said Ron, "two of her favourite things – shiny rocks and world domination."

"So," said Harry, "when is it?"

Ron checked his watch,

"Right now!"

"Hoorah!" said Harry.

The pupkids ran past in a clump.

"HOORAH!" they said as they passed.

"Well, come on Harry," continued Ron, "it's being held at the Ball and Chain Nightclub."

"Let's go!" said Harry, and they Apparated.

In the Library, Hermione suddenly screamed angrily.

"IT'S NOT CANON! NOT CANON AT ALL!"

"Hush," said Madam Pince, the stunningly beautiful half-veela half-siren Librarian, "everything's going to be totally kakkoii."

Hermione groaned and slumped onto the desk.

"Wow," said Harry, looking around, "this place is bloody brilliant!"

"Hey, mate," said Ron, "that's my line."

"Opps," said Harry.

"Harry! Ron!" said Fred. "So glad –"

"You could make it!" finished George. "Drinks are on the house!"

"Congratulations," said Harry, "I you're really excited about the wedding."

"Oh," grinned George, "we are, but-"

"Not as pleased as Mum," added Fred, "you'd think we'd been the first Wizards on the moon, the way she's carrying on!"

"Oi!" yelled Oliver Wood, from across the room. "Get over here! The show's about to start!"

"Show?" asked Harry.

"The owner's daughter is going to perform for us," explained Ron, as they walked over closer to the stage, "Louise said no strippers, but hopefully this will make up for it."

A tall, thin girl with long black hair walked onto the stage, sank to her knees, and began to sing…

"Mama, I'm lost.
What went wrong?
Can't you come hold me?
Make me strong.
Isn't there somewhere
I can belong?

Dear lord,
Nothing I do is ever done right,
That's all that I hear.
Oh, dear lord,
I'd like to fade into the sunlight
And just disappear."

"Dear Merlin," winced Fred, "she's terrible!"

Ron groaned and plugged his ears with his fingers.

"Is this Carrie the Musical?" asked Harry in confusion.

"I don't know," moaned George, "but I wish it would stop!"

"Isn't she great?"

Harry turned to face the newcomer.

"Oh," he said awkwardly, "hi, Tom."

"Harry," smiled Tom Riddle AKA The-Dude-Who-Used-To-Kill-Muggles, "are you enjoying my daughter's performance?"

"You're the owner?!" asked Ron.

"Enjoying?!" asked Fred and George in unison.

"Er," said Harry, "oh, yes, she's … really something …"

Tom Riddle beamed.

"After this, she's going to perform interpretive dance to the music of the Pussycat Dolls," he said.

Ron ran screaming from the club.

"Odd," said Tom, "what's with him?"

"Um," said Harry, "I'm not sure. But I'll find out!"

Tom Riddle watched Harry leave.

"It's a pity they had to leave," he said, "but I'm sure everyone else will be staying."

"Oh," said George, "... definitely."

A/N: Thanks to all the reviewers, especially those who suggested the 'Harry goes back in time to prevent a terrible future' and 'Voldemort has a daughter (with an added on of 'who sings from bad musicals')' cliches. Stay tuned for Twilight Crossovers, A Wedding Gone Wrong, the 'becoming a couple via being chained together' cliche, and, as always, please do send in suggestions, praise and more cliches - they are the fuel that keeps my brain ticking along.