A/N This started its life as a one-shot… and then inquiring minds needed to know what happened next. Here is your chance to find out. The original snippet, Chapter 1 preceding this one, may be considered a prologue :D

Nottingham Wireless

An epic drama of medieval cell phones, redemption, and complete absurdity

Rated PG13 for mild language and innuendo

The Gathering Storm

As of that morning, Guy of Gisborne had sworn off drinking.

Two drink-fuelled disasters that week had been bloody well enough.

First there had been the night of long and heartfelt confessions to Marian that had finally led her to promise Guy a face-to-face conversation… which he had been too hungover to attend. Then the following night, when Guy had plucked up the courage to call her again, he ran into an endless series of short beeps on the other end, and in his despair had emptied another pitcher of wine before calling again. When at last the phone was answered, the conversation seemed to be going reasonably well… until Guy realised who it was that he had been speaking to. And remembered that the had already misdialled Vasey twice earlier that week while trying to get through to Marian.

Guy rubbed the back of his head and winced. The bruise from his fall from the bed was still quite tender. To make matters worse, apparently Vasey had developed interesting ideas after that conversation, for that morning at breakfast he kept making eyes at Guy as he berated his lieutenant for his drunkenness, and promised to tuck him into bed every evening from that day onwards to make sure that Guy did not drink that night. Guy suppressed a shudder. Just what I needed.

It was still early morning, but Guy's hangover had woken him up in the predawn hour, so he sat, dressed but still disheveled, on the bed, contemplating his next move. Should he go get some cold water to drink – or was it better to take a stroll around the battlements and pester the guards in the hope that it helped clear his head?

The next moment he jumped up from the bed, the sudden vibration in his tight leather pants too much for his jittery state. Damn. I am ordering a pocket sewn into my jacket right now, he thought irritably. Right after this.

Guy fished out the device from its pouch.

- My lord? – his voice was tired and a little wary, but still deferential. No point in angering his superior.

His address was answered with an evil cackle.

Damn it, has he gone madder than before?! There could be no doubt that it was Vasey; there were three cell phones in Nottingham, and the third one belonged to Lady Marian. And as the call records would readily testify, Guy's average 299 incoming calls per month were all from Vasey… unlike his 199 outgoing calls, all to her.

- Good to see that you are finally minding your manners, Gisborne, - the caller continued.

Guy froze.

Robin-mother-loving-Hood.

With a…cell phone?!

- Where did you get the phone, Hood? – Guy grit through his teeth.

- Take a guess, leather boy, - Hood replied in a voice that could only be described as seductive… if Guy could find anything about Hood seductive. – Your precious superior has been… careless with leaving bedroom windows open at night, sweet cheeks, and your guards are just… useless! – Hood snickered.

Guy pounded a bed poster with his fist so hard that the entire bed frame shook.

Hood would suffer for this. But before it could happen, Guy would suffer for this… and he could not bear to dwell on the depraved horrors of the punishment he was sure to suffer at the Sheriff's hands.

- I'll get you for this, you lousy bastard. And I will get that phone back before you know it! – Guy wished he could be as convinced as he sounded.

Hood was not convinced at all.

- I will hide it where you'll never get it, pretty pants – up my… - he began smugly before Guy's bellowing voice interrupted him.

- Damn you, you filthy pervert, I'll just give you a bloody laxative untilI get it!

Hood snickered again.

- Actually I was going to hide it up my oak tree, Gisborne, but I find your line of thought… creative.

The line went dead.

Guy paced his room, thoughtfully rubbing the bridge of his nose. He was very, very afraid of what would happen once Vasey discovered the disappearance of the precious device. After all, Vasey, unlike Guy, also received calls from fellow Black Knights – and occasionally, from Prince John himself. Who knew which of those might call later that day and find Hood on the other end?

But the thought was eclipsed by a much darker, much more ominous one.

If Hood had Vasey's phone, then surely Guy's weak attempt at explaining the busy tone on Marian's phone the night before could not be right. It was not Vasey she was speaking to, and barring a network failure, it could only mean one thing.

Marian had been on the phone to Hood.

Until the Lauds. Four hours, at least.

The blind fury surged in Guy's brain as he raced down the corridor toward Marian's chamber.

He was going to wreak terrible revenge on Marian; even if this would mean eternal heartbreak and regret for him, he was too furious to be able to stop.

He would do it.

He would confiscate Marian's cell phone.

The Pact

Guy burst through Marian's door with such force that Marian jumped to the far side of the room.

- You! – he roared.

- Guy, what is the matter?! – Marian breathed.

- You are in league with Robin Hood! An outlaw! – he bellowed, pointing his finger at her. – The sentence for that is confiscation of the phone!

Marian coughed. Guy's vocal outburst had stirred up dust from atop the bed canopy, and it swirled in lazy tendrils around the room.

- Guy, what in the world made you think that? – the woman had the effrontery to look honestly baffled.

- You spoke to him last night! For four hours!

- No, Guy, it is not what you thought… - she was pleading now, but the note of apology in her voice sent Guy's silly hopes soaring again, and he was unable to stop himself from wanting to believe her. – He stole this phone from the Sheriff and kept calling me and I… hung up on him a few times but he was just… lonely and kept calling again. And I did not want to switch off the phone in case… someone else called, - she finished, blushing slightly as she looked suggestively at Guy.

Guy grinned like an idiot before checking himself.

Yet there was more truth in Marian's words than he knew. Her series of conversations with Robin the night before, for series it had been, twenty-four calls that Robin had made despite her twenty-three angry goodbyes, had largely consisted of Robin's pleas for Marian's company that had left her less than moved. How can he expect me to still be in love, she fumed, when he keeps using arguments for inviting me to the forest like "don't you want to stroke the massive oak", really?!

Marian blushed before addressing Guy again.

- And Robin's language with me was not entirely… appropriate, - she sighed. Robin had really tested her patience this time.

That did it.

-What?! I am calling Hood, now, - Guy growled.

Marian nodded and folded her arms. Robin was asking for this.

A few tense moments passed as the call went unanswered. Finally, the familiar smug voice sounded on the other end.

- Ah, made up your mind to visit me at last, did you, my love? Would you like to nibble on some tender, juicy woodcock?

- You f-f-ffforest-dwelling outlaw, you bleeding-heart pu—pansy, - Guy exploded. Marian's presence made it difficult for him to use appropriate language, too.

- I guess not, - replied Hood, undeterred.

- How dare you speak to me, - Guy continued furiously, forgetting that he had called Hood this time, - how dare you pester the Lady Marian with your lewd advances, with your vulgar suggestions, with your… smelly breath, Guy wanted to continue, remembering Marian's lovely offhand remark to him in a previous conversation before it dawned on him that breath did not really matter on the phone, - and how dare you steal the Sheriff's phone in the first place?! – he hissed in exasperation.

- An outlaw does what he has to do, - Hood sounded downright genial.

- And does that include harassing Lady Marian?! – retorted Guy indignantly.

- Well, if you won't let her show her lovely face outside… - Hood began, but Guy would have none of that.

- Listen, you scum, you use that thing to call Lady Marian again and I will find you wherever you are and I'll rip your bal—bold tongue out, - he finished and cut off the call before Hood could make a glib rejoinder.

Marian watched Guy in the phone with growing admiration. Surely he could not be that much of a villain – even if she did not consider his looks, which were difficult to ignore, his chivalrous spirit made her eyes shine. Surely he could not be beyond redemption…

- Thank you , Guy, - she said warmly after Guy had finished the call. – That was… noble of you, - she added, putting her hand on his arm.

- Really? – Guy asked eagerly.

- Yes.

- Marian… I want to become a better man for you. I love you so much…

For once, he is not drunk saying this, - she smiled inwardly.

- But I need you to help me with my redemption, - Guy continued. – I need you to help wash away my sins… I am trying so hard, Marian, but I need your help. I even swore off drink this morning! – he announced proudly.

- You are doing the right thing, Guy, - she reassured him, trying to hide her suddenly wistful expression. What, no more nighttime calls? I was getting strangely used to them…

- Thank you, Marian, - he replied, kissing her hand. – Your words mean so much to me at this dangerous time… - he added pensively, dreading the inevitable and undoubtedly perverse punishment soon to befall him at Vasey's hands.

- What dangerous time? – Marian sounded baffled.

- Vasey will soon discover that his phone is missing, - Guy signed in resignation, - and he will doubtless blame me for the loss. I cannot even replace Vasey's phone with my own, as my number is the first one Vasey will want to dial and he will know at once that something is wrong! – he finished bitterly.

- No, this cannot be, - Marian tried to suppress a pang of fear. She looked helplessly around, hoping to find inspiration for a solution. Surely Vasey cannot make Guy into a sullen, irritable bully again with his stupid punishment, - she fumed silently, - just as he is getting so nice…

Then her eyes fell on her own phone still on the bedstand.

- Guy! - she grabbed his hand excitedly, - take mine! Give it to Vasey! We will change the ringtone, he'll never notice!

Guy's beautiful eyes lit up in wonder and gratitude. It was true; since Guy was the only person Vasey called, it would take a while before he would suspect the switch. Hopefully enough to recover his own device in the meantime.

- You will do this for me, Marian?! – he breathed.

- Yes, - she replied resolutely. And for myself, to keep Guy nice. And maybe a little bit for Robin too, to get these two off his back for now.

- Thank you, Marian, - Guy exhaled, kissing her hand again.

A few moments later, Guy sauntered over to Vasey's chambers, his own phone tucked into his pants once more and Marian's – soon to be Vasey's - phone clutched in his hand. Before Vasey could wake up and notice, the deed was done.

Restitution

The familiar squeal sounded slightly higher-pitched as Vasey fumbled for the phone in his pocket, but he did not mind. Finally he has called me. The pretty little ingrate. Misses me after all. He had not seen Gisborne all morning.

- Is it you, my love? – a voice on the other end whispered softly.

Vasey was about to lose control of his bladder. Guy, calling him my love. At last. And in such a tender voice, too.

- I cannot believe you do not want to get your hands on the shaft of my…arrow, - the caller continued, slightly louder, encouraged by the silence, and the Sheriff's face scrunched up into a mask of rage.

Bloody-Throbbin-Hood. So much for it being Gizzy… wait, if this is Hood, where is Gizzy then?

- What have you done with Gisborne, you filthy louse-ridden scum?! – Vasey croaked.

- What I have done with Gisborne? What have you done with Marian, you monster?! – Hood yelled, and Vasey pushed the end button before wondering how the little leper was involved in all that.

Meanwhile, at the outlaw camp, Robin was extremely agitated. Something bad had surely happened to Marian for Vasey to have her phone! He was about to rally the gang and go to Nottingham when, to his amazement, Marian herself appeared at the edge of the clearing.

- My love! You have finally come here to climb my…tall tree, he wanted to finish, but Marian cut him off with a stern and businesslike greeting.

- Robin, why did you do it?

- I could not help myself, my love! I wanted so much to talk to you! And I needed so much to see you! – he implored.

- No, I do not mean you calling me, I mean you stealing the Sheriff's device! – she countered.

- Oh, that… Well, I was curious to see the thingy up close, and I figured no harm would come if any of the Black Knights called and I listened to what they might have to say. Or if Gisborne happened to call, for that matter, but some things are better left unsaid.

- You must give it back, Robin! – Marian insisted with a rare urgency.

- Why? - Robin sounded deflated.

- Because… - Marian hesitated. Her real reason was to get Guy out of trouble so that she could help him with his redemption, but she did not dare voice that one. Need to think quickly. – Because, - she continued with sudden inspiration, - Vasey will spank a guard a hundred times with a big paddle every hour until the device is found! You should have seen that paddle, Robin! – she was on a roll now. – It is humongous! – that last part, Marian was forced to admit, was inexplicably prompted by a sudden memory of Guy standing close to her, but she kept that to herself, too.

But Robin, staring intently at her ample cleavage, seemed convinced.

- Oh.., - he muttered, raising his eyes, - that outrage must be stopped. We must go to Nottingham at once. Will you ride my….

- Robin!

- …horse with me? – Robin finished meekly. For once I meant something literally and she snaps at me.

- No, - Marian declared resolutely. – I cannot arouse… suspicion, Robin. I will go the way I came, and you give me the device now so I can slip it to Vasey. – She chose not to mention that Vasey already had her own device.

- All right, - Robin sighed and turned aside before producing the little box from somewhere on his person - Marian did not look too closely where.

- Thank you , Robin, - she whispered, kissing him chastely on the cheek. He really needs to do something about that breath problem.

- Are you sure I cannot get into your… chamber with you, - Robin sighed, as she had already interrupted him mid-sentence with a vehement "No!" – Good bye, my love, and hope to see you soon.

- Goodbye Robin, - Marian sang cheerfully as she hurried back through the trees. – Thank you for returning the box!

She was halfway back to Nottingham when the thingy rang.

Oh my, do I answer or do I not? – she wondered in momentary panic. – What if it is urgent? What if it is Prince John? Maybe I can say I'll take a message… - she ran through a quick mental prayer and pushed the button…

…to hear a very familiar voice.

- You woodcock sucker, you shameless pervert, are you bringing the thing back or shall I come and kick your…

- Language, Guy! – Marian snapped,

- …butt, - Guy said in a voice that was positively tender before launching into a profuse apology.

- It's all right, - she was finally compelled to tell him ten minutes of grovelling later. – I know you did not expect me, Guy.

- But I always dream of you, my love… angel? – suddenly Guy sounded alarmed.

- Yes, Guy?

- What are you doing with Hood's device… I mean with Vasey's device that Hood grabbed… I mean you know…

- I know. I got it back, Guy, and I am bringing it back to Nottingham.

- Thank heavens! – Guy's voice soared with delight. – You are… Marian? – suspicious again.

- Yes, Guy?

- You did not eat any….

- No, Guy, I did not eat any woodcock out here! - she finished indignantly before pushing the end button. Seriously, Guy's jealousy should have its limits.

Half an hour later, the Nightwatchman slunk into Vasey's chamber while its occupant was taking an afternoon nap. Half an hour and a few instants later, the Nightwatchman slunk back out, holding Lady Marian's phone as Vasey's was left sitting innocently on his nightstand, the owner, unsuspecting of any substitution having ever taken place, slumbering peacefully on the bed.

Until, that is, his peaceful slumber was disrupted by the familiar peasant squeal.

Scowling and cursing, Vasey pushed talk.

- My love, my precious treasure, light of my eyes, will you please forgive me for offending you with my stupid temper? Is there any way in the world that I can make it up to you? – Guy's seductive voice was unmistakable this time, and Vasey felt his insides melting. This time there is no mistake it is Gizzy. And he sounds sober.

- Oh you naughty boy, I can think of a few ways… - Vasey drawled good-naturedly, only to be rudely interrupted.

- My lord?! – the gasp of astonishment seemed great enough to have shaken the castle's foundations. – My lord, forgive me –

- Bugger off, Gisborne, - Vasey yapped dejectedly before throwing the damned thing out of the window to shatter on the courtyard stones.

Epilogue. Redemption

Guy plunked down on the bed and slammed his head into the pillow. What a day. And how in the world will I present myself to Vasey tomorrow?! Avoiding his frustrated wrath the rest of that evening had been tricky enough. At least, by the sound of it, by the end of the day the devices were all back with their rightful owners, and between Marian and himself, they had been able to avoid total disaster.

Then the device rang.

- Damn that man, - Guy hissed as he reached for it. Damn damn damn damn.

- Hello? – he started warily, fighting back terror at the thought of Vasey calling him so late at night. Could he still think Guy was after him? Surely the man had heard of misdialled numbers?!

The phone was silent.

- Hello? – Guy said again, more forceful this time. Surely Vasey could not be drunk dialing him… or could he? Guy chose not to consider that possibility.

- Can't hear you, - he sighed and pushed the end button.

A little while later, he heard the ring again.

- Hellooo? – Guy sang into the device, almost amused this time. – Who's there?

Nothing.

- Sorry, still can't hear you, - he intoned and cut off the call before resting his head on the cushion again, trying to relax.

Another ring.

Puhleeze, Guy rolled his eyes.

- Are you going to say anything or not? – he said sternly as the phone gave off sounds of ragged breathing. So much for getting any sleep. Can't be Vasey, though, the man is not one to mince words, drunk or not. Same goes for Hood; even if the fiend has managed to steal the phone again, he would not be reticent about it – the whole point would be to call and brag. That left…

Oh my.

- Marian?! – Guy cried excitedly, jumping off the bed. – Marian, my love, is that you?! Marian, please, sweetheart, talk to me…

The line abruptly went silent.

- Marian… - Guy breathed dreamily – and obeying an unstoppable impulse, grabbed a cushion and a bedspread from the bed and raced down the same corridor he had angrily pushed through that morning to deposit himself right outside Marian's bedchamber. He even tried knocking at the door but his rapping went unanswered, and presently he heard light snoring.

Good night, my love, Guy whispered before drifting off to blissful sleep.

He was awakened quite rudely by a kick in the backside.

- Ow shite, - he hissed before opening his eyes, - what the hell?! – he suddenly realised that he was lying on the floor wrapped in a bedspread and the kick had not been a dream. Who dares – he thought indignantly and opened his eyes…

…to find a very embarrassed and rather pale Lady Marian crouching beside him.

- Oh Guy, I am so sorry! – she breathed. – Did it hurt? – she laid her hand gently on the spot she had kicked before blushing a deep shade of burgundy when she realised where her foot had landed.

- Not at all, my love, - Guy drawled happily. – Not at all.

- Have you been here all night?! – Marian was smiling timidly at him as Guy sat up on the floor.

- I wanted to… thank you for calling me, my love, - Guy smiled, - whenever I had the chance. - In all the long months since they had procured the devices, Marian had never called him before. – And I wanted to apologise for missing our… conversation two days ago.

- Think nothing of it, Guy, - Marian smiled back, gently touching his cheek – his face, that is.

- Then you will help me wash away my sins? – Guy blurted hopefully.

Marian looked thoughtful for an instant before a wicked smile spread on her face.

- Actually…. – she murmured, - I was just about to take a bath. Sarah dear, - she raised her voice to address her maid who had appeared hurrying down the corridor, - will you go get me a bigger washcloth?

fin