Ow!

Damn it, jackass, learn to drive. What are ya doin'? Aiming for every pothole. Oof! Are you even on the road?

Erg… where are you going now? I'm bouncing all over the place back here. Can ya at least slow it down a bit. Some of us do not have a comfortable seat.

Oh, where the heck are you taking us?

What did he say? Man, turn down the radio, dude! Mama can't hear a thing you're saying. Maybe I should take a quick peak – Woah! Curve!

Let's see…hey, alright, Carls! When did you slip over next to Kev? And no seatbelt, either…oooh, risky girl. I like it…yeah, head on his shoulder…you go girl…work those feminine charms…

Eep! Crap-crap-crap…mirror…forgot about the damned mirror! Did he see me?? Yes? What's he saying? They're laughing? At me? Hrmm…we' re not stopping… no one's looking over the back seat. They didn't see me…aw-right!

Invisible ninja!!

And…queue the giggle…nice one, Carls… work it!

Ooh! Slow song…work the magic…

Are those trees? Yup, those are trees. Where are we? This is not the city.

Hey! We're stopping! Good…time to get comfortable back here…

Nice music. Romantic. Low light…what is that? The moon? Street lamp? Nice touch, dude. Might want to turn up the heater, though…kinda chilly back here…hmm? Carly, shut up and kiss him, already! Yeah, there ya go…

Sigh.

Only a best friend would agree to do this… I so feel like a perv… Wait! What's that wet snapping noise…oh, ick! I so did not need to hear them making out…Damn! Turn the radio up!

Hum…hum…da-humm…la-la-la…youuuu owwweee meeeee BIG!!!

Oh, Sam, you said. That hot guitarist from the band Granger asked me out, you said. He's got his own Mustang, what if he wants to go park? Kiss him, I said. Duh, you said. What if he wants to – you know? you said. Do you want to… you know? I said. And then you got all nervous about dating an older guy who might have expectations for a date…jeeze, way to kill a mood, chick! Sometimes ya just gotta go with it – WHAT?!!

"I SAID STOP!!!" Carly screamed.

I popped up from the back seat of the Mustang and grabbed Kev the Guitarist around his pretty little neck in a Puckett Special head lock, pulling him up in the driver's seat and away from Carly's very flustered and very angry and very surprised body which had scuttled as far as she could get to the other side of the car.

"SAM!" Carly cried out, eyes wider than saucers. Then, the eyebrows came down: "Sam?"

Uh-oh…

"WHO--?" the twit in the crook of my elbow croaked.

"Shut up!" I screamed at him. "I'll get to you in a minute… And put down your hands, bitch, you can't break this grip!"

Carly was nodding: "She's right…you can't…bitch."

I smiled at my Carlotta…nice. Grace under fire. Then, she glared at me. Oh, yeah…I'm still in deep ka-ka. I stopped smiling.

"Get off me – erp!" Damn, Kev was an idiot.

"I said: I'll get to you in a minute." I turned back to Carly. "Um, so… you look nice…" I flashed her my best smile of innocence. Damn, she can see right through me…

"What are you doing here, Sam?" Man, you'd have thought I'd interrupted a nice little dinner date.

I was somewhat speechless. How do I say: Well, you asked me to tag along on your date… is it my fault if I went too far…

"Stalker, much?" she said. "Movies, Sam. I said to be at the movies to rescue me if the date was a disaster."

My eyes went wide. I was a bit surprised. I nodded at Kev still locked in the crook of my elbow. "Um…hello? Tonsil boy here with the roaming hands?"

"Kevin," Kev tried to croak out.

"Shut up," Carly and I said at the same time…that was awesome…stereo…

"Look," I said to Kevin. "Open the door and get out or I'll choke ya til ya pass out and kick your ass outta the car. K?"

Kevin nodded and reached for the door, pushed it open and swung his legs out the door. I loosened my grip on his windpipe and he took the opportunity to break free of my kung-fu grip, jump out of the car and turn around to stare at us. And, while he was doing his pirouette from the car, I flowed into the front seat with my ninja skills and pulled the door shut. And locked it.

Carly was hugging herself rather tightly and her eyes were wet. I saw now that her pretty red blouse, the one I had helped her pick out for this date, the one that I said made her look hot and older than her 17 years, had been torn open, buttons missing. I felt myself getting hot like a propane tank just exploded in my head. My head snapped around to the face shouting into the window beside me.

I reached for the door handle. Another hand got there first and I felt her breath at my cheek, an arm around my neck, her weight against me. She hung to me the way a drowning man hugs a life raft. I felt the wet tears on my skin and heard her sobs. I worked my right arm around Carly's waist and held her to me, rubbing her side and shushing away her sobs. This ass wasn't worth her tears.

Brainiac decided to hammer on the glass and shout obscenities.

I rolled the window down a crack. I glared at him.

"Gimme back my car, bitch!" he shouted. Nice. Lotta courage when yer on the other side of an ass-whoopin'.

"You want your car?" I shouted back, as I shifted the idling engine into gear.

"Yeah!"

"Pick a number between one and fuck off!"

I floored it, burned rubber and left num-nuts behind.

I smiled.

Good date, I thought to myself. Nice movie, nice car…and I get the girl in the end.