*** Love and the Rain ***
# Rain is cold drops of water falling down from the endless sky, dissolving the dust in the air, and dulling the noises in its deepest melody. It comes, unbidden and unthinking, claiming us in a space that time doesn't exist. Past, Future, and Present, are all meaningless. #
...-...-...-...
The raven haired boy looked up to the sky. It was sunny that day, too sunny that it almost blinded your eyes. He adjusted his glasses and used one hand to shield his eyes from the glaring sunshine.
"I want more rain. Even though this month is in rainy season, it barely rains lately, don't you think?" The boy turned around to face the little strawberry blonde girl who was flipping lazily a fashion magazine and trying to suppress a yawn. The class was taking a break and the rest of the detective group was excitedly discussing about the newest Kamen Yaiba episode the day before.
"Do you know that there are many people around the world who are praying desperately for the sun like this to stop the violent flood? And you, who are blessed to sit here comfortably and enjoy the warming sunlight, ask for more rain? You don't know how to appreciate what you have, Edogawa-kun." The little girl said sarcastically, without raising her head from the magazine.
"Can you answer my simple question without asking me another question or criticizing me like that?" He squirmed, slightly irritated.
"I just stated the fact. If it's not true, you need not to feel annoyed, right?" The strawberry blonde replied nonchalantly.
The boy sighed, defeated. She was always the only one who could leave him tongue-tied like this.
"Don't you like rain, Haibara?" He asked randomly after a while.
"Rain is the primary source of fresh water for most areas of the world. It is important to all human, plants and animals…" The girl noticed amusedly a confused look on the boy's face. She hid a smirk and went on, answering honestly the question this time. "I don't like anything wet, Edogawa-kun."
'Like tears.' She thought to herself.
"Oh, really? Well, personally I love walking under the rain. It's so refreshing and fun to splash in the puddles. You and I should try sometimes. Maybe you will change your mind about that." The boy grinned playfully.
"I didn't know that you are still childish like that. You never stop surprising me." She chuckled under her breath.
"Hey, we are children now, aren't we?" He pouted sulkily.
"Yeah, you are, I am not. I will not be surprised even if someday I find out you also play with dolls and teddy bears." She said mockingly.
"Oi oi.." The boy grimaced, trying to think of something witty to snap back.
"Anyway, I don't want to get sick with you. Then, your silliness disease will transmit to me and affect my super intelligence and sanity." The little girl intercepted his incoherent thoughts, totally ignoring his sullen face.
She moved her hand a little bit, letting the sunlight scatter on her palm and her strawberry blonde hair, making it look even more gorgeous and redder than ever. The light reflected in her emerald eyes wavered for a moment as she slowly closed her hand. A soft murmur escaped her lips, so soft that no one could hear.
'Sunlight is so beautiful, so warm as if your fragile skin is burning and your tiny heart is set on fire, but eventually it will disappear. Sometimes, I want to hold it back, even just one little ray of light. And I fail miserably.
Why… Why does something feel so good on my open palm can never be mine even just once? Why does its warmth vanish as soon as I close my hand? Am I so selfish to wish the sun could generously shine upon me a little longer?'
The boy looked at the little girl with curiosity as she didn't say anything after a long while, but stared at her closed palms fixedly, deep in thought.
'What is she thinking? Is her hand hurt?' The boy wondered.
"Oi, Haibara…" He scratched his neck, faltering.
The girl reluctantly raised her head to look at him.
"What?"
"What are you thinking?" The boy practically blurted out. He actually wanted to say, 'Are you feeling alright?', but decided to keep it to himself. She seemed puzzled by his unexpected question, but her smirk replaced it automatically.
"Since when did you care what I am thinking, Kudo-kun? You are the greatest detective of Japan after all. You can find out every single trick that those criminal masterminds use, but cannot know what an ordinary girl is thinking?" Her voice was dripped with sarcasm.
"Seriously, you are anything but an ordinary girl. And I will never be able to see through you, even if I want to." He continued in his thoughts. 'You are so complicated, Haibara. It would be so much easier if you were just simple like Ran or Ayumi. But, you are you. Ai Haibara will always be Ai Haibara. Your heart is like a glass castle. I look into it, foolishly think that I can see everything, understand everything, but in fact, what I see is just the transparent outside. Your castle has so many hidden corners that my eyes are not able to reach; my hands are not able to touch. Once for a while, you suddenly open your impenetrable gate. I hope you can let me see a little inside of you. But before I am able to grasp any view of it, you mercilessly shut me out.'
"Oh, I'm so sorry but that is what makes me who I am. Do you mind if I cannot be easy-to-read like your Ran-neechan or Ayumi-chan?" She challenged as though she read his mind. Her eyebrows knitted together.
"Nah… Is it that hard to tell me what you are thinking?" The boy tried to change the subject; he didn't want to make the little girl angry. "Or is it because you are thinking something bad of me, so you can't tell me at all?" He groaned.
"Don't flatter yourself, Kudo-kun." She raised her beautiful eyes at him smugly. "You know, the brain can work like a radio. Information is sent in wavelike form. Your electromagnetic waves are way too low to reach my intelligent brain."
A slight frown appeared on his smooth forehead.
"Moreover, I'm just thinking it shouldn't rain today, because I forgot to bring my umbrella. And you want it to rain so badly, don't you?" She added on, accusingly.
Before the raven haired boy could protest with some very persuasive come-back he just thought of, the bell rang all of a sudden. He had to put aside his argument as well as his intention to ask her why she had stared at her palm like that for a while, until they somehow disappeared from his mind as the lecture went on.
x...x...X
It seemed like God heard what the boy had said. In that evening, large dark clouds roamed all over the western sky. Somewhere behind the stretching horizon, the thunder resonated dimly. The winds became stronger, rustling the dry, colourful leaves, crashing through brittle twigs, and throwing them up into the air.
The boy wearing glasses and the strawberry blonde girl walked side by side after separating from the other three children.
"Your wish is fulfilled. Are you happy now, Edogawa-kun?" The girl gazed at some dead leaves swirling toward the ground and the darkening sky.
"Nah… Don't worry. It will not rain anytime soon, at least until you are safe and sound at Agasa's house." The boy grinned widely.
'I hate his stupid grin.'
'But it is the reason that makes you smile everyday.' Some voice in the back of her head remarked, and she furiously pushed it away.
They passed by a grocery store and the little girl halted her steps.
"I need to buy some food for this week before Agasa and I either starve to death or die from consuming too much sodium. I told him three days ago that our fridge was empty, and he said he would go to this supermarket that has just opened recently. And guess what, we ate ramen for three days! Seriously you know how forgetful he can be! Even ramen is running out now, so you just, go ahead." She complained, turning to open the glass door.
The boy held the door for her and quickly slipped inside.
"You don't need to follow me." The girl tilted her head to one side, studying his face for some reason she didn't know.
"Baka…Do you think you can carry tons of food at the same time all by yourself?" The boy folded his hands across his chest.
"Even a huge elephant can not eat tons of food in one week." She arched her eyebrow up at him in amusement.
"Geez, it's just a figure of speech. Come on, stop wasting time! It will rain while you're standing there to argue with me." The boy took a shopping basket from the counter and began to pick up some food for her. His back faced her, and therefore, he failed to see a tiny smile grace her lips as well as a small glint in her beautiful eyes.
"Conan-kun," A familiar voice rang across the aisles. The boy immediately span around, and his face brightened up considerably.
"Ran-neechan, what are you doing here?" His voice sounded so childish yet so sweet. Putting the basket down, his eyes beamed with happiness as he ran toward the entrance.
"Dad's drunk again. He said he was hungry, but there was nothing left in the refrigerator. So, I have to go get some food. Otherwise, when you come back, you will not have anything to eat, either." The high school girl smiled endearingly at him.
"You should've called me. I could eat at Professor Agasa's place, or buy the groceries for you." His eyes narrowed and the look on his face turned serious as he remembered something. "You're sick, Ran-neechan. You didn't even go to school this morning. You shouldn't go outside unless you want your cold to get worse. Have you taken your meds, Ran-neechan?" The boy inquired with a concerned expression. He even tried to jump up to touch Ran's forehead so that he could feel her temperature.
"I'm fine. Don't worry. Now that you mention it, I think I totally forgot about the doctor's medicine." Ran laughed nervously.
"Your forehead is burning up. Even your cheeks are really pink." Now he was very worried. "Your cold is obviously getting worse, plus, it's going to rain soon. Don't you bring any raincoat or umbrella?"
Ran shook her head meekly, and without warning, her knees felt very weak. She had to lean on the wall to keep her balance.
"This isn't good. You should go home now, Ran-neechan." The boy glanced around quickly, looking for anything that could shield her from the rain coming, but found none.
"I will go buy a raincoat. Please wait here, Ran." The boy anxiously looked at the taller girl one more time, ready to go.
"No. Actually, just wait here. I'll go." A voice suddenly came from behind him.
He quickly turned around to find the strawberry blonde girl looking at him, a strange expression on her face.
"Haibara?" The little girl felt as though she just heard the voice of a stranger. At that time, he was nothing but a stranger to her. A stranger completely forgot her existence until this moment. His tone cut her deeply.
"You should stay here with her. You can't leave her like this when she's not feeling well, can you?" She gave him a half-smile.
"But you didn't bring any umbrella, either." The boy bit his lip uncertainly. "What if the rain comes down –"
"Baka, I don't have an umbrella but I have a raincoat." She cut him off. "Don't worry. Just stay with her. Ran needs you." She said curtly, looked swiftly away, and hurriedly ran out the door.
He never saw her sad eyes and the rueful smile which dropped instantly as she turned her face away from him.
He never noticed her strained voice as she tried so hard to sound casual but failed completely.
x...x...X
Drawing in a deep fortifying breath, the strawberry blonde girl strode down the street. The sunset shined on her, covering her in the reddish light, like the eye color of someone who just finished crying out her heart. It also made the little girl's face look as rigid as a statue sculpted of stone. She looked up to the dark dreary sky bleakly, the mournful wind blowing over her, piercing her. She shivered in the cold, crossing her small arms tightly across her chest, feeling like a dry leaf that could be blown up to the sky and torn apart at any moment.
'It would be nice if your heart was never easy to read like an open book. I wouldn't be able to see how much space there is in it, who's in that space, and where I am. I could hope that I had a place in your heart or my existence could mean more than it is to you.
And it would not hurt me so bad like this because everything I see is her.'
There were only two raincoats left at the store the strawberry blonde girl came in. It seemed like God's toying with her. A few raindrops began to trickle down above her and increased in frequency. The thunder was growling distressingly in the far distance. The little girl quickened her pace, so that she would not be wet and he would never have a chance to find out that she had lied to him. She had brought nothing with her, neither umbrella nor raincoat. A faintest smile drew on her curved lips.
'That idiot can be deceived easily in certain cases…'
When she came back, he was sitting on a bench with Ran. His hand was holding her hands affectionately while her head leaned on his small shoulder trustingly. Rain left long, glittering traces of moisture on the large glass window behind their backs. The strawberry blonde girl felt like she was watching a romantic scene from a classic movie, except the main character should be the same age and the same height as his lover. It was all her fault that their happy moment could not be perfect.
'Thousands of times I wish I could go back in time and change the past, so that you would never have to suffer and have an undisturbed life with her…
Even if that means I would not be able to meet you in this tedious world…
Even if that means I would never exist in your sacred memories.'
She blinked her eyes blankly and made her way toward them. Her slightly trembling hands held the raincoats tight and firmly. Breathe, she had to remind herself. And yet, the moment the raven haired boy raised his head to meet her eyes, her face appeared as emotionless and indifferent as ever. She wordlessly handed him the two raincoats.
"How about you?" The boy asked with genuine concern.
She paused for a second.
"Hey, I'm not a little girl, ok? I have my raincoat with me. As for the food, I will buy it tomorrow. Agasa and I can survive through today with ramen. Just go home and take good care of her. I will be ok."
'I will be ok.' She repeated severely in her head and heard it vibrate inside her every bone. The strawberry blonde girl wasn't sure who she was convincing, him or herself.
"Alright." The boy said after a while unsuccessfully trying to meet her emerald eyes. "But I think you should stay here. I will call Agasa and tell him to pick you up."
"How old do you think I am? Honestly, do I look like a little girl who cannot go home by herself?" She raised her voice sharply, somehow becoming irritated with his stubbornness.
'Your care can hurt, don't you know, Edogawa-kun?'
The boy didn't seem uneasy any more as he heard her usual sarcasm. He and Ran began to put on the raincoats she had bought while the strawberry blonde girl just watched them in absolute silence. Then, he turned around, grinning apologetically at her.
"Thank you, Haibara." He said sincerely.
"You owe me a big one, Edogawa-kun. A brand-new Prada handbag will be enough." Her smirk grew wide.
'Sometimes I wonder if some people are naturally born actors. They put on a perfect smile, pretending to be all light and happy. Who knows that, deep inside, they're in pain and suffering, but on the outside they still keep on laughing and joking.
.
Don't you think I am an excellent actor?'
"Oi, oi…" He made a face at her, and turned to the taller girl. "Let's go home, Ran nee-chan."
'It sounds so selfish
But
If I couldn't learn to hide so well the feelings that I have for you…
Would you stay here with… me?'
Ran nodded weakly. She looked so tired and her face was pale.
'She needs him, more than me…
She has him, much more than me…'
The little girl's eyes followed them silently as they slid toward the glass door. When the boy held the handle of the door and was going to push it open, his name unconsciously left her lips.
"Conan…" Her voice was so soft, so hollow. She didn't think he could hear her. Therefore, she was startled to see him turn around and look at her, perplexed.
Suddenly, her mouth went very dry. Why did she call out his name? Did she not want him to leave her here, all alone?
"Be careful when you cross the street." She smiled, faking a teasing expression. Her brain had worked so quickly, so painfully.
"Geez, I'm not a little boy, either." He grinned and waved goodbye.
And he was walking away. And she was staring dumbly at his back when he walked out the door, into the light shower, with that girl hand in hand. For a brief moment, she felt like she wanted to cry.
'I will be okay.'
He barely noticed that her false smile never ever reached her dull eyes.
He barely noticed that she hadn't breathed normally since the second she handed him those raincoats.
She closed her eyes, suddenly feeling so out of this world.
'If my heart were able to speak, I would like to ask why it gave a part of me to you easy like that… when you didn't even ask for it…
I know I should not be here. I know it's so wrong to harbor feelings for someone I can't have.
Now I'm lost in an empty space. Neither leaving nor staying is possible.
You, just like everything that used to appear in my life, will come and go, will exist and vanish, no matter I want it or not.'
x...x...X
The strawberry blonde girl went out of the store, quietly soaking herself under the heavy downpour.
'I always told myself that I was not interested in love and wouldn't give myself a chance to be let down. The more you hope, the more you'll feel disappointed as it turns out completely different from the way you want it to be.
I always built up all these defenses, all these walls, so that nothing could hurt me, no one could touch me.
And then you came, the greatest detective I've ever met yet the most clueless guy I've ever known. Everything comes undone. My life isn't my own anymore. No matter how many times I repeat over and over in my head, "I'm fine. I'm used to being alone," I don't believe it myself like I did before…
But I will never try to make you mine…
No matter how much I love your silly smile,
How much I want to touch your warm hands…
Or how much I wish I was able to hold you in my arms…
….
People should only search for things within their reach, right?'
The rain was battering down coldly, like thousands of arrows piercing her heart, violently ripping her soul apart. She gripped her schoolbag tightly that her fingers grew numb.
'Why am I still holding on to something that just isn't there and can never be there?'
The thunder rumbled loudly, shaking the earth wildly and slashing the dark sky into thousand pieces. The howling wind, shredding through the curtain of rain, threatened to tear bushes and trees out of the ground. The little girl, insensibly walking slowly under the falling rain, totally unaware of the streams of people hastily passing by, seemed like a broken crystal doll.
'I never love the rain.
The day I knew my sister was killed, it rained.
The day I fled the black organization and fell unconscious in front of Agasa's house, it rained.
The day you returned back to her, appearing in the play at your school, as I disguised as you, it rained.
The day I declined the Witness Protection Program offer of FBI, choosing to face them with you, not running away anymore, it rained.
…And today, it rains...
Somehow, it seems like God has been crying for me. For someone like me, full of guilt and sins, tears of God can wash away neither the past nor the pain in my wounded heart…
.
I hate the rain.
Every time I look at it, I feel so lonely…
As though I am isolated from this world by the blurry wall of rain…
As though everything is melting away in front of my eyes that I am so powerless to hold them back
…just like you…
.
Only now and then, I feel like I am not any different from a tiny raindrop. Silently falling down from the sky above and splashing against the rough ground unnoticed. Who would ever cry for a raindrop? Who would ever notice its tiny existence amongst thousands of raindrops still falling endlessly outside?
.
.
.
Raindrops are destined to be broken and forgotten.
.
.
.
Am I a raindrop… to you?'
.
.
x...x...X
The strawberry blonde girl stood still at a corner of the street. Her eyes looked into nothing, but her ears were strained to hear an unknown song from a strange street musician she barely saw before. He, standing under the dim streetlight with his umbrella lying forsaken on the damp ground, sang in a saddest voice she had ever heard. The melody from his old guitar, through the rain, sounded so beautiful yet so heartbreaking.
I reach for you like I'd reach for a star
Worshipping you from afar, living with my silent love
I'm like a flame dying out in the rain
Only the ashes remain, smoldering like my silent love
She blinked her eyes, again and again.
How I long to tell all the things I have planned
Still it's wrong to tell, you would not understand
You'll go along never dreaming I care
Loving somebody somewhere, leaving me my silent love
She squeezed her eyes shut tightly.
'The rain is so cold. It almost freezes me right now. But why do I feel my eyes burning?
The rain is always tasteless. But why does it taste so salty and bitter now?
Why…'
.
"You should go home, little girl. There will be a big storm tonight." Her eyes flew open. The street musician's sudden talking almost made her jump out of her skin.
"Save it for yourself. No one in their right mind will stay here, either." The strawberry blonde girl muttered, unsure if he could hear her.
"We're just the same. I rarely see an elementary girl walking in the rain like this. You must be out of your mind, too." Smiling gently, he handed her his umbrella.
She couldn't make out his face in that kind of weather, but she thought he was a very young man.
"I don't need it." She refused coolly, turning her back to him. "By the way, you have a good voice, but you should change the song." She threw a quick glance over her shoulder before heading out to the main street.
"By the way, your eyes are beautiful, but it's better if you don't cry." The little girl stopped half-way.
"I don't cry," She replied dryly, breathlessly. Her bangs covered her eyes.
'I will never cry for that stupid detective.' She angrily denied.
"Some people like crying under the rain. They think it's a better way to hide their tears away from others because it's hard to tell tears and rain apart. Regardless of whether you believe it or not, the rain can only wash away your tears, not your fear, hurt, despair, sadness, insecurity, or…love. You can even catch a cold and lay in bed for the whole week. Not to mention the rain can intensify those feelings and make them more unbearable than ever." He whispered slowly, as if he was talking to himself.
'Rain can conceal my most raw and naked emotions that I never want to be visible under the sunlight… so it's fine…'
The strawberry blonde girl blinked away the rain that was slamming into her eyes. But, in a flash, the rain didn't beat down on her any more. She looked up, stunned to find the street musician carefully kneeling on one knee in front of her, holding his old umbrella out. She wanted to flinch away from him, but her legs couldn't move. She was able to see him clearly now. His light brown hair's drenched with rain, plastering to his face. His eyes were large, silver gray, prominent, and brilliant. His flawless lips were half curved into a warm smile. She frowned slightly and stiffened a little when he touched her cheek, tenderly wiping away the hot liquid streaming down her face.
"Do you know why you shouldn't cry in the rain, little girl? Because if someone sees you cry, they will be able to dry your tears. If no one knows or you just cry alone, there is no way your tears can be dry. It's okay to appear weak once in a while, crying without any restraint…" He smiled wistfully.
The rain was rushing down violently around them.
"There are tears that can never be dry." She smirked, but the expression was fleeting.
"Yeah, if you don't use the right handkerchief." His friendly smile never faded. There was something really special about him that she couldn't quite put a finger on.
'What if that handkerchief has already been taken?'
"Come back home, little girl. When you grow up, there will be someone who loves you, keeps you close to him, and never makes you cry. Everybody will have somebody." He put the umbrella firmly into her hand. "Until that day comes, don't refuse it."
"Normally I don't accept things from stranger, but I guess today can be an exception."
They stared at each other in silence. Then, both of them went back to their separate paths. As the strawberry blonde girl stepped a little further away, she suddenly heard him speak, almost like a whisper out of melancholy.
"The fierce storm tonight probably will stop tomorrow morning. But the storm stirring our hearts can never ease any time soon…"
She spun around and he disappeared. She could see nothing but the rain pounding endlessly and the lightning flashing, tearing up the western sky.
'If my feelings for you could be just like this rain, easy come and easy go…
I wouldn't need anyone to dry my tears
Because I wouldn't cry in the very first place…'
And she walked in the rain… again…
'If the rain could erase any trace of this unrequited feeling
Let it rain
On me
For all eternity.'
.
.
.
...-...-...-...-...-...
## Love is just like the rain in some way, unpredictable and unpreventable. No matter how fast you run, it's impossible to escape the rain.
.
.
.
If rain is the string that binds together the earth and the sky, why can't it bind our hearts?
.
.
.
.
Ne, God… Tell me, will I ever have a chance to see rainbow after this eternal downpour? ##