*** Love and Balloons ***
** If you fill a balloon with helium, it'll fly.
If you fill love with freedom, it'll fly. **
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It was a beautiful Sunday. The luminous sky was clear cloudless blue. The sun was filling the world with its warming sunshine. The air was so fresh that you could smell the light fragrance of sunflowers. The birds were perpetually chirping their melodious songs. Everything promised a prefect day for camping.
Therefore….
"Professor Agasa, hurry up. We don't want to be late." The three children yelled altogether, pacing back and forth outside the small garden impatiently.
"You three should consider my age. I'm not as youthful as you are." Agasa complained as he opened the door, still looking for his keys in his pockets.
"You are the one who always tells us not to call you old, Professor." Genta crossed his arms, shaking his head incredulously.
"What took you so long? We have been waiting here for almost half an hour, Professor." Mitsuhiko stepped out from behind Genta, looking at his watch.
"Yeah, if you count one second as one minute." Conan muttered, making the freckled boy flush.
"It's already past our scheduled time." Ayumi looked around worriedly. "But where's Ai-chan?"
"She'll be here in one second." Agasa said cheerfully, revving up the Beetle. "Oh, there she is."
A strawberry blonde girl made her way to them, yawning sleepily.
"Oh, my my, finally the sleeping beauty came out of her dismal castle." Conan smirked at her.
Ai shot him her trademark glare and he winced in invisible pain.
"Professor… I want to sit next to you." Conan stammered out weakly. Without letting Agasa reply, he jumped right on the front seat, before her glare could kill him on the spot.
The kids quickly followed Conan and got into the car. The Beetle started to move slowly.
"I don't know what you guys are excited about. After all we're just going to the park." Ai settled herself into the corner of the seat, resting her cheek on her palm, and lazily looking out the window. The streets, houses, trees, cars, and people appeared and disappeared, changing rapidly like the scenes in a movie that was fast-forwarding.
'Life is somehow like sitting in a car. You can only move forward, and sometimes, be driven to destinations you never even know existed in this world.
If you move too fast, you will leave many things behind unknown.
If you move too low, people keep passing by you, and till some time you will be left all alone.
Nonetheless, there are some people who cannot move at all. They stand hopelessly at the intersection, watching everyone go past them, longing for someone who can take them in and bring them forward…'
"It's a secret. You will know when we are there, Ai-chan." Ayumi grinned cheerily at her. Then, she turned to Mitsuhiko and Genta, chattering noisily about some game Agasa just created.
Looking up at the three children through the rearview mirror, Conan raised his eyes in question, but he said nothing. Agasa just smiled delightedly. To him, as long as the kids were happy, he would be happy.
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'I wonder…what destination this car will take me to…'
x...x...X
The park was already crowded with children when they arrived. The kids gathered around a clown, who was holding bunches of colorful balloons, cookies, cakes, and candies.
"Hurry up, hurry up!" The three children cried out, eagerly running toward the clown.
"Everything is totally free, don't worry, Professor." Genta exclaimed with excitement.
Agasa and the other two walked leisurely, ignoring their constant buzzing.
"So, that's what their secret is?" Conan said in a bored voice. 'How old are they? One is seventeen and one is eighteen. Too old to be crazy about these kinds of stuff.'
"Obviously." Ai stifled a yawn, wanting so much to go back to her warm, comfortable bed.
"What's wrong with that tired face?" Conan glanced at the girl next to him from the corner of his eyes. "You should change your sleeping habits. It's not good if you always don't get enough sleep like that."
"Oh, care for me, Edogawa-kun?" She replied smugly, wheeling towards him. He just rolled his eyes.
Turning around, she gazed absent-mindedly at a lovely vine that grew among the green leaves of a graceful tree. The sun at that time shone solely on her, stretching her long shadow, making her look so small and lonely.
'People say that it's easier to live with your memories than to face the present…
But to me, both the past and the present are painful all the same…'
"If dreams are better than reality, I will want to sleep all the time… Too bad that they're usually worse…" Ai murmured, remembering those nightmares that she always had every night. Her voice was so low that Conan wasn't sure if she meant for him to hear.
Then she slowly drifted her eyes to meet his, speaking more softly. "I wish I was able to choose what to remember and what to forget…so that I could let my past fly far away with the winds… and keep all the happy memories that I have with you in this heart…forever…"
Conan gasped slightly, totally astounded. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish.
Autumn leaves chased desperately after one another around them. A leaf landed on his shoulder unnoticed.
All of a sudden, Ai bent over him with her hands on her hips, smirking devilishly. "Your face is quite a picture, Edogawa. I begin to regret not bringing a camera."
"You…"
"Yeah, I'm just joking. Can't you take a joke?"
Conan pressed his lips together, looking away from her sulkily. 'Urrg…This Haibara…'
'If it was simply a joke…Why did it pinch my heart?'
"What are you two doing there, Ai, Conan?" The three children ran back to them, after realizing they were so far behind.
"You two are as slow as a snail." Genta exhaled loudly, and in a daze he took both their hands, dragging them with him, kind of violently.
"Hey hey..." Conan opposed. His glasses jumped up and down on his nose.
Genta let them go when they approached the clown. He was a typical clown people could see in any circus, foam red nose, big feet, red wig, funny face, and outlandishly decorated outfit. He had handed out almost everything. There were only five animal balloons left and the three children happily received them.
"Aww... so kawaii, Conan-kun." Ayumi squeaked.
Conan smiled sheepishly when the clown gave him a big panda balloon. He looked as though he wanted to dig a hole and jump into it.
Ai snickered to herself. She stood aside them, observing everything calmly like a passerby.
'Children are easily fascinated by clowns. To them, a clown is just like a cartoon character, which can make them laugh with his silliness…
Still, I never like clowns.
Hiding every single natural features of the face under the white mask, putting on the red like blood lifeless smile, pretending all happy cheery, and acting like the biggest fool of the world to make people laugh…
Is it really happy when clowns are only meant to be made fun of?'
"Here, little girl…" Ai startled when someone tapped her shoulder gently. She looked up to see the clown, giving her a …Hello Kitty balloon.
"But…" Ai hesitated. She peeked sideways at Conan, and saw him laughing like an idiot.
The clown smiled encouragingly.
"Thank you." She breathed out, slowly closing her palm around the tiny string the clown handing her.
"A balloon can bring happiness to people." The clown whispered kindly to her.
'Happiness? It sounds so…unfamiliar.'
"If so, why don't you keep one?" Ai pointed out, in her typical monotone.
"A clown's job is to bring people happy moments. Seeing them happy, the clown will be happy." He stood straight up. "Just like love, happiness is contagious."
He flashed her a mysterious smile, and strolled away.
She frowned slightly. 'Did he read my mind or what?'
"What were you two talking about?" Conan and the three children walked over to her place.
"Nothing you need to know, Edogawa-kun." Ai said flatly, smirking. "By the way, Panda really suits you well."
"Like Hello Kitty suits you, Haibara." Conan retorted.
"I think…in fact…Haibara-san and Hello Kitty are both…very cute." Mitsuhiko stuttered, fidgeting with his hands. His face was quite pink.
"Thank you, Tsuburaya-san. You're so kind." Ai smiled tentatively at him, making him blush like a tomato.
Conan coughed into his hand, trying hard to hide his laughter.
"Do you have any problem, Edogawa-kun?" Folding her arms across her chest, she asked in a disparaging tone. Her eyes glared dangerously.
"Nope…" At her dead glare, he raised his eyebrows, faking an 'Oh I'm so innocent' face.
Soon afterward, his phone suddenly vibrated. He searched hastily for the phone, it was Ran. She's calling Shinichi's phone. Conan hurriedly ran to the trees. Keeping a far distance from the three children, he took out his voice changing bowtie, and pressed the "Answer" button.
Ai watched him silently out of the corner of her eyes. His softening expression, his happy smile, his bright eyes, and his blushing face….
She turned her gaze away, letting it glue to the ground. Her shoulders slightly slumped. The Hello Kitty balloon in her hand looked down at her sadly.
'It's always the same, isn't it?
Always be with you but can never reach you
Always look at you but can never touch you
Just like two parallel lines
Stretching on forever but never meeting...'
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"Mommy, I want that balloon, mommyyyy…" A four-year-old girl pulled her mother hands, nagging impatiently.
"Stop that, Shizu-chan, you have one already." The mother scowled slightly.
"But I want a Hello Kitty one!" The little girl pursed her lips, pointing towards Ai.
"Come on, just wait over there and be quiet. I will go buy you an ice-cream instead. Agree?" The mother took her to the water fountain placed in the center of the park. The little girl nodded unwillingly, watching her mother's retreating back with an unhappy face.
"Shizu-chan, I suppose that's your name, right?" Ai came close to the little girl, asking in a soft, gentle voice.
Shizu nodded shyly.
"Here. Take it." Ai smiled endearingly and handed Shizu the Hello Kitty balloon.
"But, Oneechan, you only have one. If you give me yours…" Shizu chewed her bottom lips hesitantly.
"It's fine. I don't need it."
"But the clown told me that a balloon can bring happiness to people. Why do you give me your happiness, Oneechan?" Shizu asked curiously. Her innocent eyes bored to Ai's.
"I…" Ai paused. 'I don't have any happiness to begin with.'
The little girl tilted her head, thinking hard.
"Here, Oneechan." Shizu put her balloon into Ai's hand finally. "You can keep mine."
It was just a simple white smiley face balloon.
"Now both you and I can have happiness." Shizu smiled brilliantly.
Blinking her eyes, Ai looked blankly at the balloon in her hand.
"Thank you, Oneechan. I will go and show mommy!" Shizu waved her hands excitedly at Ai and quickly ran toward her mother.
Ai stood there alone, staring dubiously out an invisible space. She seemed so breakable in that instant.
'What is happiness? How can you define it? How can you feel it?
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For someone like me
Getting used to pain before even knowing what love is
Living to face isolation, doubt, and sadness
Having no one to hold on to and no place to turn to
Destroying innocent people's lives and families
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Do I have a right to ask for happiness?'
"It's rare to see you so nice, Haibara." Conan's sudden voice gave Ai a slight jump, but she recovered her composure right away.
"I am always nice to people who are nice to me." Mockingly, she raised her eyebrows at him.
"Aww, am I mean to you, Haibara?" Conan groaned, faking a hurt voice, his face slightly pouting.
Ai stared at him with an unfathomable expression.
"It's just a balloon, you know. When that little girl grows up, she will find out that there are many things in life you cannot get no matter how much you want it, how desperately you long for it." Her eyes darted to the dim solitary light reflected from the light gray water.
"Nevertheless, this world is treacherous; people can do many stupid things to have what they want. Using tricks, lying and cheating, hurting and deceiving, even killing each other, just to take what they desire, what they think it should belong to them. They don't understand that what is yours will always be yours. What isn't yours, it will never mean to be. " Ai said, nearly to a whisper.
"Haibara…" Conan muttered. His mouth slightly opened in unease.
"Don't worry. I am not the kind of person who will try to get what doesn't belong to me." Smirking, shrugging in an indifferent manner, she walked off to the three detective kids and Agasa.
Conan stared after her back, puzzled.
'She is a question that you can never find the right answer.'
x...x...X
The sun shone brightly over the trees, making everything glow. The milky clouds wandered aimlessly in the radiant sky. The birds still sang their beautiful melodies. The park was less crowded than in the morning. People were walking and jogging peacefully on the pebbly roads.
Agasa slept soundly under the shade of a maple tree. Genta, Mitsuhiko, and Ayumi ran around, joking and playing animatedly. Ai and Conan just sat comfortably on a swing, watching them in silence. Every now and then, Conan would glance idly at her, but she just kept her eyes straight forward and her face was emotionless like always. Even though she sat next to him, somehow she just seemed miles away from where they were. Then, a strong and cold wind gusted through them, swirling Ai's hair around her face, and without warning, snatching her balloon away.
"Ah, Ai's balloon…" The three children cried out. Mitsuhiko and Genta jumped to their feet, eagerly chasing after it.
"It doesn't matter, Mitsuhiko, Genta…" Ai tried to call them back, but they went too far away to hear her.
"Ai-chan, Conan-kun, if we don't run, we will lose it." Ayumi urged, pulling their hands.
Glancing at each other, they both sighed in unison and ran off with her.
When they finally caught up, Mitsuhiko and Genta were trying hard to reach the highest branch of a maple tree. Ai's balloon was stuck there. Its string swayed teasingly in the air.
"Ai-chan…" Ayumi turned to her with a worried look in her eyes.
"It's fine. I never wanted to run after it in the first place." Ai responded coolly.
"We followed it all the way up here, and you say you don't want it now?" Conan asked. It wasn't even a question.
"So? What do you want me to do? Climbing up the tree? I'm sorry, I'm not a monkey. Flying up there? I don't have wings." Scoffing, Ai crossed her arms over her chest.
"So? You give up?" He persisted, ignoring completely her heavy sarcasm.
"It isn't about 'giving up' or 'not giving up', Edogawa-kun." Ai rolled her eyes. A chilly breeze blew through her, making her shudder involuntarily.
"When the balloon was blown away, that means it didn't want to stay with me any more. When something wants me to let it go, I will let it go. I don't want to hold on to anything or try to keep anything back." Her voice was almost inaudible. "Moreover, that balloon isn't mine in the very first place."
Ai whirled around, walking back to the road they had come from. She felt so exhausted.
'Balloons, happiness, or…you, are all the same…'
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"Conan-kun!" Ayumi screamed.
"Be careful, Conan!" Genta shouted.
Ai spun around, astonished to see Conan on the maple tree. He was like a squirrel, moving very quickly in the canopy of leaves. He tried to grab the balloon's thin string. It just kept flying out of his reach though. It took him a difficult time to grasp the string in his hand, and he almost fell down the tree more than once.
'That idiot…' Ai raced to him, nearly panicked.
Conan jumped down the ground safely. Trying to catch his breath, he shot a victorious grin at Ayumi, Genta, and Mitsuhiko.
Ai sighed in relief.
He made his way towards her. And they stared at each other in tense silence.
"Here. Hold it tighter this time." He held out the white smiley balloon. "What is yours will always be yours. But if it is yours, and just because it flies out of your hand one time, you give up on retrieving it, you will lose it yourself." He looked away from her. "People who don't even try cannot get what they want and keep what belongs to them."
Ai's eyes never left him, something smoldering in them. Her expression was unreadable.
Reaching her hand out, Ai… held Conan's hand in hers.
"Haibara…" Slightly blushing, he turned swiftly, looking at her in pure surprise.
The winds danced between them. The sun scattered its glittering light on them.
Birds swiftly flapped their wings away. Time stood dead still in its track.
And she slowly unclenched his fingers.
"Haibara…"
And she opened his hand.
And the balloon flew out… to the sky…
She let go.
After an eternity, time seemed to start moving again…
"Balloons are meant to float in the sky." Seconds passed by and a vague smile graced her lips.
"If I take it now, bring it home, sooner or later, it will eventually lose gas to the outside and end up in the trash can. Don't you think it's much better to let it free, and disappear in the sky like that?" She gazed up, thoughtfully.
Feeling his eyes still on her, Ai said quietly. "I don't give up because I think I cannot get it… I give up because I want to see it fly happily with freedom."
And her gaze landed on him, she mouthed a silent thank you.
The three children looked at each other, nodding in agreement. Without any words, they released all the strings of their balloons at the same time.
Ai turned to them in surprise, her eyes questioning. They just grinned at her.
"It's better if you're not alone, isn't it?" Conan said simply, smiling at the five balloons floating up toward the sun.
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** When I let the balloon fly into the sky, I hoped that I also let my love go.
I hoped that it would vanish in the instant the balloon disappeared out of my sight.
I hoped that I could set myself forever free from these heartbreaking feelings…
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But when you turned to me, with your smiling face, I painfully asked the sky, why love still stayed? **
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