*** Love and Ambiguity ***
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** Love is like smoke, no certain shape and limited border. It reflects differently in everyone's eyes, changing constantly based on where they stand to look at it and how imaginative they are…
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Sometimes, it's almost invisible to your own eyes.
Unable to find any evidence of its existence
Neither going forward nor giving up can be done. **
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The strawberry blonde girl was walking alone in the corridor when she saw Kobayashi-sensei carrying a large pile of books around with obvious trouble. She almost hit the wall more than twice.
"Let me help you." The girl stepped toward her sensei quickly.
"Thank you so much, Haibara-san." Kobayashi-sensei smiled appreciatively, handing the strawberry blonde girl one-third of her books. "They're really heavy."
"Where are you going to put them?"
"In the library. They are books for next year." Kobayashi-sensei informed, walking with the little girl to the doorway. "Where are your detective friends?"
"They're in class." She replied simply, not really trying to make conversation.
Kobayashi-sensei glanced sideways at the little girl next to her; she was always quiet and hard to approach. 'Haibara and Edogawa have something really different from other students. It isn't just because they are so much smarter or more mature than the rest of the class. It's like they don't belong to this place…May be it's just my imagination or I am being over sensitive?'
"Sensei, if you don't pay attention to where you are going, you will bump into something again." The girl reminded her lightly, her voice tinged with amusement.
Kobayashi-sensei immediately looked straight forward, and therefore, she avoided hitting the door right in front of her.
They passed by the soccer field in comfortable silence. Suddenly, a ball flew toward their direction, smacking into the little girl's back. She dropped all the books and collapsed on the ground.
"Oh my god, Haibara-san, are you alright?" Putting down her books in hurry, Kobayashi-sensei asked worriedly, trying to help the young girl stand up. Then turning to the boys in the field, she yelled disapprovingly, "You should watch out before you kick anything!"
"I'm fine." Dusting her clothes, the little girl reassured with a smile and bent down to pick up the fallen books.
"Are you sure?" Kobayashi-sensei's face was skeptical.
"Yes, Sensei. We should get going. The bell will ring in ten more minutes." The girl answered casually, heading to the library.
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x...x...X
"What took you so long, Ai-chan?" Ayumi asked curiously after the strawberry blonde girl entered the classroom.
"Yeah, I don't think washing your hands can take half an hour." Genta commented. "I wash my hands in ten seconds."
"Eww… You're so dirty, Genta." Mitsuhiko wrinkled his nose in disgust.
"Shut up." Genta swung a fist at him, but he successfully dodged it.
"I helped sensei bring new books to the library." The little girl explained, returning to her seat as soon as the bell rang loudly.
Shrinking against her chair, her eyes flickered to the raven haired boy next to her. He was staring with a strange expression.
"What?" She said tensely.
He turned his attention back to his mystery book, as if he didn't hear anything.
"Sorry, I cannot go home with you guys now. I need to help Kobayashi-sensei arrange books in the library." The strawberry blonde girl announced aloofly, gathering her things.
"I will stay to help you, Ai-chan." Ayumi suggested with kindness.
'Don't you have to go shopping with your mom today?" Her face was full of false surprise.
"Oh, right." Ayumi recalled, deflated. "I'm sorry."
"How about us? Genta and I can give you a hand." The freckled boy asked eagerly.
"Sure. If you want to miss your Kamen Yaiba TV show." The little girl shrugged, stuffing her books into her schoolbag.
They looked at each other, hesitating.
"Don't worry. You guys should just go ahead and leave. Sensei doesn't need too many people to stay back." She smiled, her tone closing the subject without any further argument.
"Hurry up, you three." The boy wearing classes urged, standing at the entrance door, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. "I have to go to the supermarket with Ran-neechan."
Running to him like little birds, the three children turned to the strawberry blonde girl.
"Bye bye, Ai-chan." Ayumi waved her hands at her.
"Bye bye, Haibara-san. See you tomorrow." Mitsuhiko and Genta shot her a grin.
"Bye-bye." The little girl muttered half-heartedly, watching them disappear out the door.
She sat frozen in her seat, staring blankly at the closed door. The smile attached to her lips fell effortlessly.
'Sorry, I'm lying to you guys…'
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The rays of sunshine danced over her face, unable to light up the darkness behind those sad eyes. She glanced at the chair next to her with a doleful expression. Balling her hands into fists, the strawberry blonde girl moved to that seat, dropping her head against the desk tiredly.
'I can still feel your warmth from your seat…
I can even imagine how funny your face looks like every time you fall asleep during some boring lessons.
Every single trait of your face is engraved deep into this mind of mine as though I can easily draw them on paper…
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I wonder…
If someday…you don't come to this class any more
If someday…you return to your old world…
What should I do?
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What will I become?'
A strong wind rushed through the cherry blossoms, tearing them off their branches and scattering them into the sky, looking as if it was snowing. A silky cherry blossom petal flew to the room, brushing against the little girl's pale cheek, tingling…
'Perhaps I am just like those flower petals
Come alone and leave alone
Wait alone and suffer alone…
But it's okay...'
She didn't know how long she had sat there, in the dark and silent classroom, gloomily gazing out the open window.
'Sometimes I find myself empty as a blank wall.
Love or pain is just like the winds blowing past me…'
A few more minutes ticked by and the strawberry blonde girl got to her feet unsteadily. Her face grimaced in pain. She had twitched her ankle when she fell down at the soccer field. She tried to hold it in for the whole time so that no one would find out her injury.
The little girl pressed her lips tightly together, limping carefully to the doorway.
'I should be grateful to that organization…
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People cry when they get hurt.
People yell when they're angry.
People feel blue when they realize they're lonely.
People seek comfort when they're in pain.
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How about someone who has never been taught how to express her own emotions, freezing her feelings under the impassive mask, biting back harsh tears and locking her affection behind thousands of impenetrable walls?
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I should thank them for making me this poker-faced robot…'
The strawberry blonde girl hobbled down to the school ground with immense difficulty. She felt as if a sword was sliding through her foot. Panting heavily, she tried to control her balance.
"Do you always have to act cool?"
Her back stiffened as she turned her head slowly toward the owner of that low, intense voice.
He was standing a few feet away from her, arms folded, leaning against a cherry blossom tree. His face was hidden in the shadow, and so she couldn't read his expression.
"Kudo? Why are you still here?" Her voice was slightly hoarse, but her face gave nothing away. No surprise. No pain. Not even a shred of sadness. Like a frozen lake with its turbulence beneath.
'Why do you always appear in the wrong place and at the wrong time?
When I desperately want to push you away
When I hope I can just shut you out of my heart…'
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"You ask me? Shouldn't I be the one asking why you lied to us to stay back in class?" Turning to her, he scrutinized her face conspicuously, demanding an answer.
"How did you know?" She inhaled deeply, avoiding his question.
"I'm a detective after all, aren't I?" The raven haired boy raised one eye brow at her.
"Shouldn't you go somewhere with Ran?" The girl inquired tonelessly, changing the subject.
"I already called Ran to tell her to wait for me. It isn't something very urgent anyway." He explained simply as he strode up to her.
"Here. Hold it for me." He handed her his light schoolbag, bending down.
She stared at him with a confused look on her face. "What are you doing?"
"What do you think I am doing?" He threw it right back. Shaking his head incredulously, he gestured her. "Climb on my back."
"What?" Her eyes widened in disbelief. He should've been kidding.
Sparrows erupted noisily from the trees.
The gentle winds swept past them, sending cherry blossoms down like a red rain.
"Baka…Do you think you can go home with that sprained ankle?" He threw back another question, and before she opened her mouth to protest, he continued. "I saw the way you walk when you went out that door. It's better if I carry you, isn't it?"
They stared at each other for a long moment.
'Giving hope to someone and crushing it later is cruel, don't you know, Conan?'
"I appreciate your concern, Kudo-kun." The little girl kept her voice indifferent and her expression vacant. "But I can walk fine on my own. I don't need anybody to take care of me!"
"Are you sleep-talking?" He mocked, looking unconvinced at all.
"Just move out of my way. Don't patronize me." She snarled in a tense voice, hoping to disguise her pain as irritation.
Gritting her teeth, she took one step forward, wanting to show him that she could walk, but her leg hurt so much that she stumbled down and had to grasp his hand for support.
"See? Trying to play ok and continuing to walk just make your injury worse. C'mon, don't be so stubborn, Haibara." He gripped her elbow firmly, pulling her arm over his shoulder.
"…" The strawberry blonde girl bit her lip hard, hating herself for being so weak.
The boy gave her a warm smile as he read her hesitation. His cerulean eyes looked directly into hers, telling that he had no intention of leaving her alone. "Let's go home?"
'I hate your smile as much as I love it.
Every time I want to run away
Every time I feel angry at myself
You just smile at me
With your piercing eyes
And the darkness in my aching heart is no longer there.'
She turned her gaze away, torn between ambivalent emotions.
'How can you love someone without hurting someone else?'
"I guess I have no other choice." With a sigh of surrender, the little girl reluctantly let him help her sling onto his back. She wrapped her arms around him awkwardly, lowering her head to hide the blush slowly creeping onto her cheeks.
'I wish you weren't as warm as sunshine…so that my frozen heart would never be melt away by your radiant heat…'
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"Neh, Haibara…" The boy walked with deliberate steps, not wanting to hurt her leg more than it already was.
"What?"
"I remember the last time I carried you, you were very light. Why are you this heavy today? Seriously, you should go on a diet." He breathed out dramatically.
"Do you want to die, Kudo-kun?" She warned darkly, glaring at the side of his face.
"Oi, oi…I'm just kidding." His laugh was light-hearted. "But you're not adorable at all, Haibara."
"Yeah. 'Cause I'm already extremely attractive. You shouldn't ask too much for something, should you?" She retorted smugly.
He snorted, the corner of his lips lifting into an amused smile.
The whole sky looked golden, while orange and red-colored clouds were gliding lazily over them. A flock of birds flew swiftly towards the setting sun, looking like a white veil across the endless horizon.
"Tell me, how did you know I lied?" The strawberry blonde girl asked suddenly as her eyes followed the shadow of a lonely sparrow flapping away.
"When you came back to class after you went to wash your hand, the way you walk was kind of strange. There was also some garden soil on your socks, but we didn't play soccer today. Therefore, I thought you must have had tripped over something and twisted your leg as you helped sensei carry her books to the library." The boy turned to smirk at her. "There is nothing can escape my detective eyes."
"Why didn't you ask me or tell the kids about that earlier?" She probed coolly, ignoring the smug look on his face.
"With your cryptic personality, even if I had asked you, you wouldn't have given me a straight answer anyway. Moreover, I knew you did not want to make the kids worried, so I let it go."
"So… you said nothing and waited for me… I should be grateful to you for your unusual chivalry, shouldn't I? It was unexpected and a bit out of your character though …" The little girl remarked with sarcasm. Her voice sounded slightly choked with another emotion, but he didn't notice.
'That's right…
You seem to like to be a Knight in Shining Armor…
But if you have belonged to someone else
That chivalry of yours can easily break a girl's heart
Are you fully aware of that, Kudo?'
"Ha-ha, very funny, Haibara." He laughed wryly, before putting on a serious expression. "What else could I do? You're always so stubborn and secretive…Hiding your wounds and hurt, never uttering out a word even if you're in pain…You don't want to appear weak and worry other people, but that kind of thought just worries them even more. Do you really think pretending to be fine in front of us will make us feel better?"
His eyebrows pulled closer together. "Next time, if you get injured, please say out loud. Even yelling is ok to me. Just don't keep it to yourself. When people don't know, they just can't help you."
"Not everybody is as smart as me." He added, grinning cockily.
The little girl didn't say anything but stared down the street with a faint trace of sorrow in her emerald eyes.
'I don't want to depend on anybody…
I don't want to rely so much on…you…
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My heart is wireless
It should be attached to no one…
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We can have the same destiny
But our fates are totally different from each other
Someday you will come back to that light world of yours
With that angel patiently waiting for you
And I will remain here, in this dark world of mine.
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If you weren't so kind to me
If you just treated me like your enemy
Loathing me
Like someone did destroy your life
It would not hurt me this much…'
x...x...X
They walked in silence, oblivious to other pedestrians passing by. The sound of the boy's footsteps echoed quietly in the empty street.
A cold breeze whipped through her strawberry blonde hair, flicking some strands across her face. She subconsciously tightened her arms around his small shoulders, making him blush slightly.
'I want this…
I want that…
No matter how many times I cry out in despair, every word will merely vanish under the blue sky…
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It doesn't matter how many days and months I can stay with you, trying to hold your shoulders a little tighter like this moment, I can never keep you by my side.
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I just wish that I can let you go, like water flowing in the river, unthinking and uncaring…'
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"Ne, Edogawa-kun, do you want to know a secret?" The little girl mumbled quietly in a strange tone after a while.
"What kind of secret?" He asked warily, sneaking a look at her from the corner of his eyes.
"Promise me that you will not tell anyone?"
"Uh huh..." he nodded, his face holding some kind of interest.
The little girl smiled vaguely, closing her eyes for a few seconds as if she was struggling against some internal tempest.
Then, carefully covering his ears with her hands, she whispered in her softest voice, like the murmurs of the wind through the vast ocean.
"Aishiteru."
The raven haired boy stopped abruptly.
She let go of his ears, hugging his neck dejectedly, suffocating with sadness.
'Ne, Conan, do you know what the most painful moment in love is?
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It is when you find out who the most important person to you in this world is at the same time you realize he's never meant for you in the very first place.
And finally you have no choice but leave him.
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Silent love… I had never understood those words until I met you.
Silent love means giving everything you have to the one you love to get nothing in return.
It means staying in a shadow, watching that person from the sideline and wishing him happy even if the one he shares his happiness with can never be you.'
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"Did you just say something?" A faint frown creased his forehead.
"Yeah, I just told you my deepest secret." She responded, breathless.
'Saying I love you is good for nothing, God and I both understand that…
Love will push us further away than just being indifferent…'
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"Whattttt?" He raised his voice, not quite yelling.
"Couldn't you hear it?" She smirked. The boy could not see her face fully but he knew by heart that tone.
"You covered my ear! How could I hear it?" He rolled his eyes in exasperation.
'But I will pretend that I did confess to you
I will pretend that you did hear me
So that I will be able to smile the day we say farewell…'
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"Oh, too bad then. I will only say it one time." She chuckled quietly.
"You just wanted to tease me, Haibara. You didn't want to tell me from the beginning…" The boy grumbled sulkily, continuing walking.
The little girl said nothing for a long while. Then, she gazed up to the sky tinted with crimson and gold clouds, murmuring.
"A secret should always remain a secret."
A different smile blossomed on her lips. It's so innocent and somewhat vulnerable, as if her perfect mask could fall out and break to pieces at any minute.
'My love is like one of those things that should never be spoken and will be eternally deemed nonexistent in this desolating world.
These feelings that should be cherished and appreciated to other people can only deeply wound and separate us.
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That's why…
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Gomen ne, Conan
For loving you without your permission
For foolishly hoping that we could have a future together
Yet both of us know too well
Needless to say
You and I can never write out a happy ending.'
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** Love is like smoke, kissing your soul soundlessly.
Sometimes you think it isn't there but maybe it's always there.
Just because you cannot see it
You let it disappear unrecognized.
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That evening, under the setting sun, with your warmth and my sudden melancholy, has stayed in my memory like a formless, wavering dream.
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I truly wanted to tell you, in that sad dream, that 'I do love you.'
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