Alright guys, it's been a great ride and we're finally at the end of this story. I can't thank you all enough for coming on this journey with me. You're all awesome. So I'm posting this tonight, and then will have to head out to go finish another story before I can come back. At the end of this chapter I will have a poll regarding which of several stories I should post - so make sure to put in your vote.
I'm not usually one to brag, but I have to add another note because this is just too cool not to. For those of you Extreme Home Makeover fans (what can I say, I've got to watch something the other 6 days out of the week), Ty Treadway and the EHM team is about 20 minutes away from my house if Fairmont, WV working on another house. I'll be heading out there either tomorrow or Tuesday to help with the landscaping! And this episode will air sometime this season. So if any of you watch the show, think of me when it airs! Not that you'll know who I am, but I just may be one of the 1500 people you see on the screen!
Okay, now I'm done. Thanks so much for reading, and enjoy the epilogue...
Three days pass before Dean is finally breathing on his own well enough to warrant removing him from the ventilator. They take him back into surgery, leaving Sam behind to worry himself sick, and return him a few hours later. He's groggy and disoriented, but awake, and he smiles drunkenly at Sam while fingering the white square of gauze on his throat with uncoordinated fingers.
It is the first time Sam has seen Dean smile since Adam and Lori Ann were arrested and removed from their hospital room.
He is slowly recovering, physically. Every day more swelling subsides and more ability returns. At day three, on top of breathing on his own, he has gross movement pretty much down pat on his arms. And he can sit up on his own if he's propped up by pillows and the raised head of the hospital bed. Nothing yet in the legs, but the doctors and nurses assure them that they aren't far behind.
Fine motor skills are returning at a much slower pace. His hands don't want to grip anything tightly, and any attempts at feeding himself, so far, have resulted in spilled soup down his hospital gown and oatmeal on his cheek.
Sam seems to find a mantra in telling Dean "Don't get frustrated. You're getting better every day," but the words never seem to find a landing spot in Dean's thoughts. They float right past, make no dent in the steely armor Dean has erected around his emotions.
It's as though Dean used up all of his reserves fighting Adam and Lori Ann. The snideness and determination that typically make up the Dean Winchester persona are no longer there, having been replaced by an empty shell of a man. He hasn't tried to talk since his captors were hauled away. And he won't look Sam in the eye.
Sam knows some heavy shit went down with his brother. He knows that he's missing chunks of important information that might help him to pull his brother from his funk. But he also knows Dean doesn't want him to know all of that stuff, and there is a part of Sam that doesn't want to find out.
He's happy being sheltered and protected from his big brother. There is so much in their lives that he hasn't been protected from, so much that they know so that they can protect the rest of the world. And Sam doesn't want to open himself up to more hurt, more pain. He doesn't want to know that people can be just as evil as demons, that even though they exorcized the demon from Adam over six months ago his own twisted psyche was equally as brutal, if not more so.
But they have clearly broken something in his brother. Right now Dean is simply going through the motions, putting on a brave face to protect Sam from a truth too dark and disturbing even for their screwed up lives. And he's not even doing a very good job at that.
Sam knows without a doubt that he needs to get Dean to talk about what happened to him, but two days later, when Dean finally gets movement back in his feet and legs, they still haven't talked. It's not that Sam hasn't tried, just that Dean has tried harder to keep quiet.
Once Adam and Lori Ann have been arrested and all the craziness that accompanies being attacked in your hospital room by two kidnaping psychos has passed, Dean suddenly discovers that it's not so bad being stuck on a ventilator, unable to talk, unable to move. Once he gets past the obvious frustrations that come from being helpless, Dean discovers that his helplessness means Sam does all the talking. It means he isn't expected to bare his soul to his little brother. It means he can retreat into himself and try to forget all the indignities that have fallen upon him.
But then the swelling begins to subside and the ventilator comes out, and suddenly Sam goes all emo and psychotherapist on him. Suddenly Sam is at his side hour after hour, no longer talking his ear off about meaningless topics just to pass the time, but rather begging him to open up and share what happened to him.
At first it isn't too difficult to stonewall Sam. Dean's groggy from the anesthetic and the surgery, and it really hurts to talk. When he does try to say anything his voice comes out raspy and squeaky, and he can see the way the sound makes Sam wince. It's enough to keep Sam off his back for a couple of days, but soon even that isn't doing the trick.
Once Dean begins to get movement back in his legs and they start dragging him down to the physical therapy wing twice a day Sam seems to up his determination at getting Dean to talk. The younger hunter hounds him hour after hour, pleading that he tell Sam what is on his mind - what the hell happened to him.
And Dean is equally insistent not to say anything. How do you tell your little brother that you've been violated? That there's no worse feeling than being helpless and aware while someone messes with you and slices you open? He won't understand. He can't.
Dean comes to look forward to his PT sessions, if for no other reason than the fact that it's a reprieve from Sam. No obnoxious, emo-seeking little brother's allowed.
The thing is, he wants to talk to Sam. He wants to tell him how scared he was. How unbelievably terrifying a situation it was being held captive by an unknown assailant. Being tortured and violated. Not knowing if the same thing was happening to Sam.
But years have been spent carefully erecting a wall that nothing can penetrate, strategically teaching himself how to be strong and withdrawn so that he could protect what is most near and dear to his heart. Those barriers are not easily destroyed, even by the architect. And even more, Dean isn't sure he's capable of building them back up once he's torn them down. It's all or nothing right now. And Sam needs him. The world needs him. So he has to be strong.
Sam has the distinct privilege of being at the top of a very exclusive list of people who have ever seen Dean Winchester vulnerable, seen the wall begin to crumble. And even then, he knows that he has only breached the surface of the complexities that comprise his brother's innermost thoughts. He knows now that he's seeing more than he ever hoped to see, and yet it is still barely anything.
His brother is hurting, that much Sam can see. And he's putting far too much effort into hiding it from Sam and the doctors and the nurses, and not nearly enough effort into getting past it.
They send a counselor in to talk to Dean one day, but Dean refuses to say anything more than "I'm fine, please leave me be," over and over again in that airy, strained voice that now comes out because of the hole in his throat. The sound makes Sam shudder, forces him to remember the trach that had been so cruelly carved into his brother's throat.
And it isn't even so much what Dean is saying to the counselor as it is how he says it. Sam knows his brother well enough to distinguish between a weak voice and a weak heart. Dean's heart just isn't into the getting better. There is barely any emotion behind the request for the man to leave. Sam can see it in Dean's eyes, the indifference, the futility. He's given up.
Most of the time when they come to take Dean down to Physical Therapy Sam just sits in his chair beside Dean's bed and watches, frozen to the spot. The first several therapy efforts have been performed from within Dean's hospital bed, and five days pass before they feel that Dean is capable of leaving the room.
Dean still isn't physically up to doing much on his own, and certainly can't hold his own body weight yet. His legs are like cooked spaghetti, arms only slightly stronger, and the therapist does all the work to get Dean out of bed and into the waiting wheelchair while Dean watches Sam with haunted eyes that beg for a reprieve from himself, from Sam, from the world.
"Do you want me to come with you?" Sam asks on the third day of therapy. He looks pleadingly at his brother, settled into the chair, velcro straps around his chest and legs keeping him secure and upright.
Dean shakes his head 'no,' but refuses to make eye contact with his little brother. He still won't speak unless he has no other choice.
"I'll bet your brother is just waiting until the day he can walk to you on his own before he shows you his improvements," Hank, the burly PT, says to Sam in a jovial voice that makes the younger Winchester wonder if the man has any idea what Dean has been through.
Sam nods, thanks the man in a low whisper, and then tells Dean, "I'll be here waiting for you when you get back. You just focus on getting better." It's a loaded request, one that makes Dean noticeably flinch, and Sam feels instant regret at having said it. Dean is trying, he knows he is. But it's so hard to watch his brother simply going through the motions. There is so much more to Dean that is now lost, and Sam doesn't know how to get it back.
Curiosity gets the better of Sam as he watches Hank push his brother out the door. Dean won't talk to him, and Sam hasn't had a chance to talk to anyone without Dean being present, which means he doesn't know just how much progress his brother is making. But instead of continuing to remain in the dark, Sam waits just long enough for Dean and Hank to be out of sight before pushing himself up on his crutches and sneaking out of the room in search of the PT wing.
There is a room just before the main gym that is reserved for viewing the patients inside. The seats are on risers to ensure a good view for everyone, and there is a large glass window that separates the small room from the exercise facility. There is no one else in there, and Sam slips in and finds himself a seat that gives him full view of the room but where, he hopes, Dean won't be able to see him.
At first, Sam can't find Dean, and his heart jumps in his throat thinking maybe they turned around and are back in the hospital room trying to figure out where Sam got off too. But then he's there, being pushed out of another room by Hank.
There are metal braces on both legs, spanning from his thighs all the way down to the bottoms of his feet. And more braces on his wrists. Sam lets out a bit of a chuckle as he thinks about how much his brother looks like the bionic man in that get up, but then immediately gets serious again when he realizes Dean wouldn't find it very funny. Not right now, anyway.
Hank guides the wheelchair to one of the sets of parallel bars on the far side of the room and brings it to a stop at one end. Sam holds his breath, knee bouncing erratically, as he waits for what is to come next. He sees Hank brace himself in front of Dean, arms wrapped tightly around Dean's chest. He watches his brother nod with conviction as he brings his own toddler weak arms up to wrap around Hank's neck. And then Dean is up, wobbling on unsteady legs, as he fights to gain some semblance of balance.
Far too much time passes between Dean's rise to his feet and any show of stability. Sam doesn't breathe in that entire span, only exhaling once he sees his brother release his hold on Hank's neck, hands dropping to his side to grip the two bars on either side of his hips.
And then Sam's breath hitches for another reason as he watches a hint of a smile light up on his brother's face, clearly feeling a sense of accomplishment. That small bit of a smile is the first emotion he's seen on Dean's face since Adam and Lori Ann, and it launches a whole new set of emotions inside of Sam's already confused mind as he begins to doubt his own capabilities as a brother, as a confidant.
He's been nothing but patient with Dean, knowing it can't be easy to deal with what he's been through. Sam wants his brother to talk to him, now more than ever before, but he has purposely backed off on the number of times he's pleaded with Dean to open up. He's asked maybe once for every ten times he's wanted to do so, but Dean has made it more than clear that even that is far too many times to ask. He doesn't want to talk.
So where the hell does that buffoon of a therapist get off making Dean smile? What's he done that I can't do?
Sam knows the answer to his questions even as he asks them, but it's a truth that's hard to swallow. And even harder to achieve. Hank can get Dean to smile because he's not pushing him to relive a nightmare that no person should have to live in the first place. He's treating Dean as though nothing has happened, focusing only on getting the young hunter back on his feet and out doing what he does best. He's letting Dean be Dean.
And Sam isn't.
In all the years the Winchester's have traveled back and forth across the country, saving people, hunting things, the family business, there has always been one constant in Sam's life. Dean.
Dean watches out for Sam when no one else does. Dean protects his family above all else. Dean keeps his own emotions in check, repressing them to the farthest voids of his mind in order to focus whole-heartedly on everyone else around him. And he's trying desperately to do that now, too.
He's able to hide his emotions from Hank, and that is why the therapist is able to joke with Dean and bring him out of his shell. In private, without Sam, Dean can be as close to himself as is possible right now. He can let his guard down and stop trying to maintain the wall around such a raw and oozing emotion. It doesn't take the same effort to pretend things are OK, because Hank doesn't know any different. To Hank, Dean's only obstacle is a physical one. And that, they can conquer.
But Sam knows Dean too well to be able to ignore the subtle nuances to his otherwise stoic demeanor. There are far too many tells that Dean has to work to keep hidden, and it's clearly taking a toll on him trying to keep Sam in the dark.
Suddenly clarity overtakes Sam and he drags himself to his feet, balancing precariously on the crutches in his hurried attempt to escape the viewing room. He has no business spying on Dean, no right trying to seek out information that isn't his to know. Dean needs to overcome his problems just like anyone else, and Sam knows the ramifications of what happened to Dean will not go away quickly. But now he also realizes that for Dean, sharing with his little brother how Adam and Lori Ann violated him will be more of a detriment than a help.
Sharing only means placing an additional burden on Dean because, in doing so, he would not only feel the strain to get himself past his emotional problems, but also a pressure to help Sam through it. It's not only Dean's nature to protect his little brother from the nightmare's of the world - it's his job.
When Hank returns Dean to his hospital room Sam has done a complete about face. The only question he asks is how the therapy went, and then moves on immediately to lighter topics - the abnormal weather, the limited options on TV, and the lack of hot nurses on the floor. Dean still doesn't smile yet, clearly still on edge about Sam's intentions, but he seems to relax just a bit. For now, that is enough for Sam.
Milla, formerly the doctor zombon, waits over a week to come back and visit again. Once again, she taps hesitantly on the doorframe, unsure whether or not she's interrupting something. Dean is working on his walking and balance, holding onto the back of his wheelchair as he pushes it back and forth across the room while Sam pretends not to hover as closely as he is. And Dean pretends not to be annoyed.
Both boys look up at Milla's knocking and Sam motions her to come inside, before looking pointedly at Dean, facial expression telling the older hunter to sit down. Dean rolls his eyes, but grabs onto Sam's forearm and shuffles around from behind the wheelchair, easing himself gingerly into the open seat.
"What can we do for you, Milla?" Dean rasps. Immediately, his hand comes up to press against the still healing hole in his throat, and he winces. It is covered with gauze, but it doesn't make the pain any more tolerable, doesn't make the sound any stronger.
Beside Dean, Sam sits down on the bed and waits for the doctor to explain her presence. Together, the brothers watch as she purses her lips and looks down at her hands.
"I've uh...I've been thinking about what happened. About your reaction to it. Neither one of you seemed too surprised at the way Adam controlled us–" she hesitates, brushes a strand of hair behind her ear, and finally makes eye contact. "I think you two know more about what went on in that old school building than even I did - I was hoping we could figure some things out together."
Sam laughs nervously and catches his brother's eye. They hold a silent conversation as they debate on how much of their lives they want to divulge. Dean finally nods his head, offering Sam the go ahead and his trust to say what he feels is right.
"You know that wasn't the first time we had met Adam, right?" Sam asks, remembering that she was in the room when Adam broke the news of his past possession.
Milla nods hesitantly, and waits expectantly for Sam to continue.
"And you heard him mention demons? And being healed for a time?"
Another nod. Milla's eyes dart nervously from brother to brother, and Sam takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He's not sure this is the best decision. But he's also not sure how else to explain the situation.
"Well...it was true. All of it." Sam holds his breath, waiting for the timid doctor in front of him to freak out, or pass out, one or the other. When she doesn't, he continues.
"My brother and I, it's our job to hunt down and destroy all that crazy, supernatural stuff that no one seems to think exists. And I guess Adam got pissed off when we went and took away his ticket to freedom. Thing was, he wasn't really free - he was just a pawn to the demon. You see where I'm going with this?"
Surprisingly, Milla looks at Sam with a semblance of clarity and trust. Not only does she believe what he's saying, but she is accepting it. "So I wasn't just going crazy with the whole mind control thing he did to me and those two nurses. It was real?"
"It felt real, didn't it?"
And so, together, the three of them hash out scenario after scenario of how Adam managed what he did, and how Milla and the two nurses managed to free themselves when they did. With the right line of questioning and some of Sam's fancy fingerwork with the police database, they finally realize that the zombons breaking free was nothing more than sheer luck.
Sam spends a full minute snorting and chuckling at the karma that has fallen on Lori Ann and Adam before he is even able to breath enough to share his news with the other two. "So get this," he says, turning the laptop so it is more visible. "Turns out our friendly neighborhood kidnappers had a cat."
His finger spins around the page until he comes to the decisive line, a twinkle still lighting up his eyes. "They were keeping control over the 'zombons' by way of a simple ritual with candles and incense, some personal items from each of the three of you. And I guess, right around the time that they were forcing a decision out of Dean the cat jumps up on this table and knocks one of the burning candles on its side. The flame spreads over the entire table, igniting everything it touches, and rendering the spell useless."
"That's it?" Dean asks. Disappointment clouds his features as he ingests the anticlimactic ending to such a devastating ordeal. "All that shit they put me through? And it's a cat that ends this?"
Smacking Dean on the back, Sam wipes away a tear of laughter from the corner of his eye. "Dude, you were saved by a cat."
Milla seems uncomfortable by the brothers blase banter, and she plays with the hem of her blouse nervously while eyeing each of them in turn. "Just think if it hadn't have jumped up there just then," she scolds. "Where would we be right now? What would have happened to–"
"Not something I want to think of right now," Dean interrupts. "What's done is done - things worked out alright."
"Yeah, but–"
"But nothing," Dean insists, glaring at the woman and willing her to stop her line of thinking. She doesn't realize that the same thoughts are running though his mind at the same instant. If the cat hadn't done what it did, he would be a quadriplegic. He would be permanently trapped in his body, and Sammy might be... It's not something he wants to think about. Dean's method of dealing with this stuff is avoidance and she is clearly not buying into that logic.
"Yeah, well you might be able to forget everything that happened," she says, voice pitched and clearly anxious, "but I can't. This...this thing that happened–" Milla stops dead, looking at the suddenly steely gazes of both Winchester brothers, and realizes she has been dismissed. "I guess I should go then."
"I think that would be wise," Sam agrees. Suddenly he's feeling very sick to his stomach. He too is realizing all too well just how close Dean came to his life being permanently changed. It's not a pleasant feeling.
Milla stands to leave, and Sam stands with her. He hobbles painfully after her, knee still throbbing, and closes the door behind the woman before turning to face his brother.
A minute passes in silence where they both fight the urge to scream, and Dean breaks in with his usual sarcasm and makes everything all right.
"That woman has got some serious issues, dude. Getting all upset over a little cat." He laughs nervously, and Sam joins in a few seconds later, both using the laughter to suppress the heavy feelings of dread in the pits of their stomachs. They will never speak of this again, will never discuss the day that Dean's life nearly ended.
Another week passes before the doctor's give Dean the ok to be released. By that time he has nearly climbed every wall in the hospital in his quest to alleviate the boredom, and in the end it is Sam, practically down on his still healing knees, that convinces that doctor to allow Dean to finish out his therapy as an outpatient.
When the day comes, Dean happily hobbles back and forth across the room packing his bag. He doesn't even grouse or complain, doesn't even pull the 'injured hero card, in an attempt to get Sam to do his work for him - he is that happy to be getting out of the sterile environment.
Dean is nearly done with his packing when Sam limps back into the room, sporting a matching cane to the one Dean is relying heavily on. "You're sprung," he announces, waving the paperwork in front of Dean's face like a white flag.
"Thank God!" Dean gasps. He tosses the last of his clothes into the old duffle and quickly pulls the zipper closed. Flinging the bag over his shoulder, Dean closes his fingers tightly around the head of the cane and begins to shuffle his way to the door. "Let's blow this popsicle stand, little brother," he beams.
And then, "Oh hell no!" as his face drops at the sight of an orderly pushing a wheelchair into the room behind Sam. "No way, not on your fucking life."
Dean looks cornered, like a wild animal, as his gaze darts from Sam to the orderly. It's clear he's terrified of the prospect of getting back in the chair, even if it's just a temporary ride from his room to the front doors of the hospital. It is too close to a reality he doesn't want to relive.
"Sorry dude, hospital policy," the orderly says, inching closer to Dean.
For his part, Sam looks genuinely apologetic about the wheelchair, but that still doesn't change the fact that they're expecting the older Winchester to use it.
"I just spent the better part of this past month in one of those things. There is no way you are ever getting be back in one. Ever. Again. You just get some paper or something and I'll sign it. I fall, it's my fault. I won't sue the hospital. Promise."
"There's gotta be another way," Sam insists, putting himself between the orderly and Dean. Out of the corner of his eye he can see his older brother inching along the wall toward the door, and knows instinctively what is about to happen. He catches the gaze of the orderly and holds onto it as he pleads with the older man to let up on the policy just this once.
The guy holds steady. "I could lose my job over this. Sorry man, can't do it."
But Sam continues to argue, pressing insistently until he's certain that enough time has passed for Dean to make his escape. He's amazed at the fact that he's managed to distract the orderly to the point that Dean could actually walk out of the room, but Sam isn't one to look a gift horse in the mouth.
"Alright, well, when you can find my brother you go ahead and force his butt into that wheelchair there," Sam finally says, putting a stop to the conversation. He slaps the orderlies shoulder jovially, before grabbing the remaining bag and skirting out the door. Without even looking behind him Sam knows the guy is standing completely stupefied, mouth agape, and Sam laughs to himself as he makes his way down the hall to the elevators.
Dean is nowhere to be seen, and Sam can only assume that he is already on his way down to the front doors of the hospital. Arriving on the ground floor, Sam sees that he is right. Not only has Dean made it out of the hospital, but he's circling his car, rubbing his hands all over the newly refurbished Impala as though he's just found the holy grail.
"The car looks amazing, Sam." He beams at his brother, and then slowly lowers himself down so that he's face to face with the grill. Squinting, Dean scrutinizes every single detail of the body work that's been done to his baby, seemingly satisfied with the outcome.
Immediately, any residual doubt Sam might have had about having the car repaired flies out the window. Seeing Dean with his beloved car, Sam can't even believe he doubted a reunion for one second.
"Yeah, well, had to have some way of gettin' around," Sam says nonchalantly, shrugging. He takes the few steps to where Dean is now struggling to bring his legs back underneath him, face wrought in determination to get himself back to a stand without help. Sam respects his brother's need for independence, standing just close enough to help if Dean starts to fall, and swelling with pride as Dean manages to pull himself up on his own.
"You ready to go, or do you two need a few more minutes?"
Dean laughs, swats playfully at his little brother, and moves toward the passenger side of the car. "I'm ready."
Sam tries not to look too surprised that Dean doesn't even give a thought to driving, but sighs in relief at the same time for the averted argument. Although he's no more surprised at the proclamation Dean makes a few minutes later as they drive down the road toward a hotel at least a few hours away.
"Don't get too comfortable in the driver's seat," Dean announces, leaning over to swap out one of Sam's emo tapes for one from his own prized collection. "Soon as I got my sea legs back under me you're never gettin' your scrawny ass near that seat again. You got it?"
Sam can only nod, all too happy at the prospect of Dean being healthy enough to drive to argue semantics of Sam's 'never driving again.' It's enough just to have Dean back to being Dean again. "Whatever you say, bro. She's all yours."
Kay...hope that was satisfactory. I'm never happy with the ending, but there's only so many times you can write something before you just say screw it! Just post already. And now for the poll...I've got 4 different stories in the works and I've got to decide which one to focus on next. So let me know which of the 4 plot lines you want to see next, and the winner will be what I finish first.
A) is the follow on to Hanging On By A Thread
B) is a blind Dean story
C) is a deaf Dean story (by request from a wonderful reader)
D) is a 'mysterious illness' affecting Sam
Thanks again for sticking with me through this story. Hope to see you all again soon!